The extremes of emotions - Kieran

Kieran discovered that he can build a structure with lego that was as tall as he was. He was so proud, excited and overjoyed. He jumped around laughing! I could see twinkles in his eyes. He posted happily with his creation in this photo.

We brought the children to Changi Airport to see the Pokemon display. Earlier today, he told me in the morning that he dreamt of Pokemon show, and Ash and Pikachu were talking in Chinese instead of English which was the usual language he watched on tv. I showed him a Chinese version of Pokemon show on youtube and he was overjoyed. He drew these Pikachus while we were at the Airport. He has a wonderful memory. He was not looking at any Pikachu while he was drawing this. He simply drew by memory. I always thought he's more of a math and science kind of child. Now I feel slightly comforted that my artistic genes have been inherited by him as well.

Words cannot describe how much I love Kieran. Words cannot describe how much Kieran love us, and everything he love, and everything he knows and the entire World. For a HSC, they feel emotions  on the extreme. When they are happy, they are not simply happy but overjoyed, filled to the brim with pure joy. When they are sad, they feel despondent, depressed, utterly destroyed. That is why as parents, we must be careful how we might allow HSC to anticipate expectations from us.

I thought how amazing it is to see Kieran experiencing and expressing these extremes of emotions and feelings.

We had a very bad staycation experience where my hubby got sick and had to return home. That night at the hotel, Kieran sobbed silently. He told me he missed daddy badly. He's a sensible child and he don't fuss and fret but cry quietly.

When I felt angry with Kieran, I just had to think back to that night when he felt so sad and yet so much love for us. My anger will dissipate. He is a constant reminder to me that we must be kind to everyone. If there is someone as gentle and innocent and pure and lovable like Kieran in this world where we live in, human beings must not be too bad. If there is one Kieran, there must be many more.

Merry Christmas to the world. I feel the agony of those who live in despair and who suffers in war torn areas. Acutely aware of the sufferings, I cannot indulge in my joys. I pray and hope that those families will enjoy peace and love as I have, even for a short moment. I cannot imagine the agony a mother must feel if she was separated by her beloved child by death or otherwise. If Kieran was lost to me, the anguish I feel will be so intense that it will take my life away. But let God soothe your souls, mothers whose children were lost. There is no peace in asking Why. But do not let the pain numb your natural instincts to feel love and joy. The ache will never cease although it may grow to become a tiny ache at the depth of your heart, instead of a tormenting one that eats you away day and night. But that does not mean your love is forgotten. Your love will grow to encompass even more. I hope God's light brighten the path of every mothers for our journey is tough but our journey is worthwhile.

The two loves of my life

Kieran is the love of my life. 

We, as parents may experience unconditional love for our children the moment they are born. But children also give us unconditional love in more ways than we expect.

Today I felt sad for some reason. I guessed it was apparent that I looked sad. Kieran was playing his lego and I told him to come play the piano. He was reluctant. He paused as he considered and told me there are two "forces" in him, one said go and practice piano, one said continue to play. He said the force that said continue to play is stronger. I proceeded to explain to him the consequences of choosing to listen to either "force". I wanted to say if he choose the force that said practice piano, firstly, mummy will be happy, secondly, he will be gaining the knowledge and experience in his brain to play better. If he choose the force that said continue to play, firstly mummy will be sad and secondly, his brain will not learn anything substantial and will only learn playing with lego. But he did not need all these explanation. The moment he heard "mummy will be happy", he immediately ran over to the piano and get ready to practice. I was so touched. I told him all the reasons anyway n I taught him the starting notes for "Starwars main theme" after we practice the Yamaha JMC homework. I said thank you and hugged him afterwards. And allowed him to go back to his creative lego world.

Later, before we slept, Kieran saw that I was still unhappy (although I tried not to appear so, you really can't hide from a HSC), and he told me, mummy if you are feeling unhappy, take a deep breath- breathe in, breathe out. Try try! Now, do you feel better? I said yes and laughed and we asked who taught him that? He said his teacher did. So thankful that he learnt this in school.

Caitlin is the cutest little love of my life. She would talk in the cutest way. When she saw small adorable animals in the Zoo, she squealed and cock her head to a side, and said "I feel like pinching their chubby cheeks and say so cute!"

When she saw that I was sad, she won't say much. She will just give me a kiss on the cheek to drive the sadness away. I love her thoughtfulness and her sensitivity to my feelings.

What I like about her most is her orderliness and her independence. She would keep the toys in order and eat her meals eagerly.

She likes to pretend that she's still a baby and she will snuggle up to me and pretend to cry like a baby. I enjoy it. I want to snuggle and cuddle and coddle my lovely children for as long as possible. I tell them they were loved the moment they were conceived in my tummy.

Caitlin looked at my reproachfully and said I scolded her many times and she was sad when I scolded her. I hugged her and told her not to just remember those times that we scolded her but remember those sweet moments we enjoyed together, that mummy kissed and hugged and took care of her. She hugged me and smiled.

What sensible and beautiful children I have.

Bedtime Stories

Kieran loves stories about battles, monsters, spooky stuff and the bad guys winning (interestingly, because he empathise with the bad guys). Sometimes he conjures up exciting tales with them.

Caitlin would snuggle up to me and scream at her brother to stop because she’s scared of the monsters, spooky creatures and fighting in his stories. She particularly hates stories about people hurting or dying. 

There was once daddy told them a story about “The boy who cried wolf” and she sobbed sadly because she thought the baby lambs were eaten by the wolf. Kieran was unperturbed by the story and enjoyed the moral behind it.

I’ll tell Kieran to please not mention fighting or scary monsters and spooky things when Mei mei is around, listening. I’ll proceed to tell them a story about two adventurous children, a boy and a girl, who go around helping friends in need (who are usually cute and defenseless little forest animals) and save them from bullies (who are usually huge and fierce carnivores). Sometimes those huge animals are nice although they look big and fierce, like elephants, huge eagles or vegetarian tigers. Kieran find these stories very tasteless because the good guys always win and there’s not enough scary factor in them. Mei mei would squeal at the description of the cute forest animals and smile when they were saved, especially when they were reunited with their anxious mothers. She loves stories about babies going back to and snuggling with their mummies.

The thought of my little Kieran growing up and being gradually independent filled me with pride and loss at the same time. I love so much to hold that small hand in mine as we walk, and look at his cheeky grin and gleeful face when we were talking about something he loves.

I thought of my baby Caitlin, dressing like a ballerina and trying to pirouette. She has the loveliest smile ever. She is so small and cuddly, and her face is round and chubby. I want to hold her in my arms and snuggle her to sleep every night.

I love to take photos of them in our daily lives. I will flip through those photos while at work. I love reminiscing those lovely moments together.

Kieran’s 5th Birthday

Today is Kieran’s fifth birthday. As I am writing this, he must have given away the birthday goodie bags to his classmates and has met my mom who is bringing him home from school. We celebrated his birthday last weekend and he had a really great time enjoying the company, the ice cream cake, goodies and presents!

Kieran’s birthday is the most significant for me because it means that I am a mother for the fifth year. On this very day, five years ago, my perspective on life changed considerably.

How I wish I can fit work into my schedule instead of family life around my fixed working hours. Perhaps one day, the world will recognise the need for an all-rounded life for all workers. Perhaps one day, the world will glorify and empathise with the role of mothers.

It is unbelievable how long we have come on this journey. I wish the best of health and the most peaceful of mind to my loveliest children, and I wish blessings on the children of this world, who are the future of this world we love.

Reflections after sickness

I had a very bad Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) few days ago. I'm still on antibiotic today. At it's worst, the pain was so bad, I could hardly walk and when I collected urine sample at the General Practitioner's (GP) clinic, my urine is red - not pink but RED. It was so scary. The pain was awful. I never had UTI that hurts so much when I pee. I never had UTI that hurts so much that my lower abdomen aches when I walk. I was also running a fever.

I started to worry that it may be more than UTI. Maybe it's really something less benign than UTI - like bladder cancer. 

There are many things in life that we have no control over, like death - like when we die and how we die. My colleague who is a doctor asked me to do some test. I think I should. 

I started to think about God when I think about death. I hope that when I leave this body one day, I will be able to go back to where God is. I hope to think of death as a reborn into another world, where I become, once again, a little baby, snuggling in God's warm embrace. In the back of my mind, I seem to have memories of such warm, loving, unconditional love and care. Such memories often fill my eyes with tears. God's embrace is like telling me, "It's ok, I know what you are, who you are and I see your imperfections, but here, in my bosom, you are safe from the hurt and the troubles of the World. It is safe to be dependent. It is alright to be needy." Perhaps such warm memories stem from my infancy, when my mother held me and I felt her love unconditionally, like God's love. 

As a baby, we are dependent on our parents but as we grow older, we are exposed more and more to the harshness of the world and we depend more on ourselves. As we grow even older, we have to care for and be responsible for others. These burdens rest on our shoulders like weights. We have to adopt some grown up thoughts and behaviours, just so we can carry these burdens and move on. Sometimes we put down our weights and we become children again, praying and being with God.

In my youth, I used to believe that being right is the most important. Now, I believe being kind is more important. There are many ways that people can prove that they are right. There are many rights in this world. But if I make the choice to be kind, my choice will be indisputably mine. Being kind does not mean I will be a pushover and I will not stand up for myself. On the contrary, being kind means that I will put others before myself, and if I have to say something or do something, it must be for their benefit, and not just to save guard my own benefit and pleasure. If I must stand up for myself for the other person's benefit, to show him that bullying is wrong, then it is an act of kindness. It matters how I do it and why I do it. I generally hate conflicts because I hate knowing people being hurt. Others cannot be hurt, I cannot be hurt too. A lesson has to be learnt and it is beautiful if the bully can learn it in a positive way. 

I wish before I die, I can do meaningful things. I hope the footprints that I leave behind will be one of significance and of positive influence.

Book Review: Blink Once by Cylin Busby

I like this young adult novel. Good read for a teenager. It is engaging enough, not long winded, and the characters are seventeen year olds, pretty close to heart for teenage readers. I finished this book within two days.

Warning: Spoiler ahead

I like how the author keeps readers in suspense on who Olivia is. At some points, I thought she might be a ghost inhabiting the Hospital, and at other times I thought she might turn out to be a psychopath whose love will turn into hatred and she might smother West to death before he has his operation. I also like how the author weaves in short snippets of events that give us a sense of each character’s personality – the mother who believed in West until the end, the father who stayed away but who willingly return for his child, the crazy best friend who cared for West more than he showed, the teenage girlfriend who reacted to West’s coma like most any teenager would, the dedicated Nurse and the psychologist who is eager to prove the theory that she knows. The people in this story are people- not evil (except the psychopath who assaulted Oliver), not angels but normal people like you and I. I like how that story made them out to be so. West’s subtle and life-changing thoughts that gradually forms over time are clearly and vividly portrayed. I think West will grow up to be a fine young man, and he will grow old as a wise grandfatherly person. He might even volunteer or give inspirational speeches.

Someone make this book into a movie, please.

I really enjoy going to the library. As a working mother of two who takes full responsibility of the children once they are off the hands of the day-carers – their grandparents, I have a hectic schedule and limited time for self-care. Pursuing personal interests seemed like a thing of the past for me. 2011 is a life changing year for me. Ever since my first little one appeared, nothing is the same anymore. So when I walk into the library and pick up these books to read, it’s a lovely experience. I love the Zen kind of peace and calm when I walk into the library. There are information and knowledge and creativity everywhere, and the choice is mine. These books are there, calling out for me to pick them up to read. The library is a transient getaway from the home filled with chaos and noise of children – yes, I am amazed how two children can fill the house with so much chaos and noise. Unlike a bookstore, the books are free, the information and the creativity are free, which spares up so much worries for a financially tight mother. In short, I love the library.

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket – It does matter, also, what baskets you have

I read in a parenting book for parents/caregivers of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) written by psychologist Prof Elaine Aron, that children's brain are wired in childhood, mostly before 3 years old. They will be wired to categorise their experiences into “events” or into “good and bad”. People who are depressed often categorise things into “good” basket or “bad” basket. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised. They put “basketball” into the “bad basket” and they think “I am lousy because I fail at basketball.” People who are not depressed categorise experiences into “Sports”, “Academic”, “Family”, “Friends”,etc. In each category, there is good and there is bad. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised, they put “Basketball” under sports and they think “I don’t do well at basketball, maybe it’s not for me, but I have ‘academic’ and ‘family’ and ‘friends’ which I am good at in several ways.”

Most of these “wiring” happens in childhood but that does not mean it cannot happen in adulthood. It’s just that in adulthood, it is harder to change. That is why children learn new things and adapt to new environment faster than adults. If adults want to “rewire”, they have to put in more effort and in some cases, if they too emotionally affected by the childhood experiences (due to trauma or depression) they have to receive therapy to help themselves “rewire”.

The psychologist said she often see adult patients and she worked with them to re-wire their brain which requires long, dedicated therapy and of course comes with a hefty bill. She said if we, as parents, built up our children’s self-esteem and “wire their brain right” in the beginning, it can save them a lot of heartache and troubles going for therapy to get their life back in shape.

If they are regularly criticised or given a global label, eg: "You are a naughty girl!" or "You are stupid." or "Why are you always so clumsy?", these labels will encourage them to categorise all that they meet and do into the “bad” and “good” category. They will think “I am all bad because I cannot do this.” That’s why we have to change the way we say from “You are a naughty girl” to “This is a very naughty behaviour.” In this way we target the behaviour, not the person, and we can further set a target to change the behaviour.

I use this for my children and I can see the change in my daughter. My daughter is more stubborn and cannot control her temper. She often hit her brother when she’s moody or angry, even when her brother did not provoke her. I often made the mistake of saying “Mei, you are so naughty!” Now I have changed it to “Mei, hitting is a naughty behaviour. If people do naughty things, they go to naughty corner.” After making sure she understands, I’ll always hug her and explain to her. Yesterday she scratched Kieran and made him cry. She cried because I made her stand in the naughty corner. Kieran was sad but he, as kind as usual, told me to hug mei mei bcoz she was crying. I asked Kieran whether his cheek was still painful. He said, “No.” I asked whether his heart hurts. He said, “Yes.” I explained to Caitlin that if u hit people, people’s heart will hurt, even long after the physical wound stops hurting. I told her if you hit Gor gor, Gor gor will cry, I will also cry because I love Gor gor. She is better at control now. She will lose control when she’s over tired which was what happened yesterday. Caitlin may not undertand now although I hope one day, she will. But I’m sure Kieran understood that I understand him and I hope he felt understood enough to forgive and continue to love his sister.

Magical Bonding

Children have the power to weave magic into our souls. They may be mischievous and require some disciplining at times but none of their acts are done with malicious intent. In fact even the naughtiest act are done with the purest of heart. I treasure every bonding opportunity I have with them.

On sunny Saturday, we went to give mooncakes to our relatives, visit my mother in law, and let the children enjoy playing sand and playground at park near her flat. We enjoyed our day thoroughly. My brother in law drove us home. Hubby showed brother in law his new curved computer monitor. I made a DIY lantern with Kieran. At night, I hugged both my little ones to sleep.

On Sunday, we went to watch Paw Patrol live at City Square Mall, ate ice cream waffle, drink Chamomile tea, bought Iron man shirt and pants for Kieran whose pee got onto his clothes when daddy brought him to pee (I’m going to be the one to bring him to the toilet, next time we go out), bought Frisbee and swimsuit and googles for the children at Decathlon, went home for recharge and dinner, then for lantern festival organized by RC (Residential Committee). Lanterns of all shapes and colours and music light up the way. Little Caitlin was frightened when we walked along the Waterway carrying lanterns. She said the water was black and the sky was black. I carried her and spoke to her as we walk. She needed me and my closeness reassured her. She threw a big tantrum when we stop by a café to rest. She was angry that the Milo was hot, angry that I drank her Milo and angry with basically everything. She was overtired. Daddy took her aside and spoke to her firmly. Kieran cried. He tried to cover daddy’s mouth when he was speaking firmly to Caitlin. I took him away and he cried, saying that he need to go and save his sister. So both stood and cried together. It was hilarious. Hubby and I laughed despite feeling hot and frustrated.

On the way home, Caitlin had fallen asleep and we tried to keep her asleep but she woke up as we wiped her down. She giggled and played with Kieran for a while before they finally become sleepy. Kieran said he was so tired, he felt giddy. He lay beside me in bed and talked to me tiredly. Caitlin has fallen asleep. I told him to go to sleep and he would feel better tomorrow morning. He turned around to hug his bolster. I kissed his cheek and said goodnight. He hugged me and fell asleep. That was an ordinarily magical night.

On cool and breezy Monday, which is a public holiday, we woke up late, and we went to visit the children’s grand aunt at her condominium. We went swimming with the new swim suit and googles that we bought. The children both love and fear the water. Caitlin accidentally fell into the water and I scooped her up almost immediately. I read up on silent drowning and dry drowning and I’m certainly not going to take chances. I am going to keep my eyes on both as much as I could. Their gleeful faces and surprise at the almost novel experience in the water were recorded as the most pleasant memory in my mind. The memory isn’t all pleasant for Caitlin who whispered to me at night that she does not want to go swimming. Right after we pulled them out of the water to go for lunch, she had happily announced that she want to come back swimming again. I told her, “That’s because you are sad now, so you remembered the sad things about swimming. You are sad because mummy scolded you for scratching gor gor, and this made you think about sad things like falling into the water and having water in your nose during the swim. Not all that happened are sad. I caught you quickly when you fell and I hugged you tight. Remember?” I saw her lips moved up slightly in a smile, and I imagined her remembering the fun and the hug. I kissed her goodnight.

She had scratched Kieran because he was talking beside her on the bed, and she was in a bad mood. I put her in the naughty corner and hugged poor Kieran. Kieran told me to go and hug Mei mei because she was crying. I asked him does it still hurt. He said no. I asked him whether his heart hurts. He said yes. I told Mei mei, “You should not hit people or scratch people even if you are very angry. You can can voice out that you are angry but you cannot hit. When the pain goes away, the heart will still hurt. The hurt in the heart don’t go away quickly.” Kieran understood that I understand and he felt much better. I don’t know whether Mei Mei understood but I hope one day she will, and she will learn to control her temper.

We do not deal violence with violence. We don’t act on impulses. Because we are adults, we are the role models. We manage violence with love and compassion. Children’s brains are constantly learning and wiring and re-wiring to learn the ropes of the world. They have to learn through us that kind words and actions are what heals, not enforcement, punishment and violence.

I hugged both children to sleep. Mei mei was woken up by frightening nightmares a few times. I held her in my arms and she fell asleep, reassured. The nights with my beloved children are the most treasured and important. Daddy and I stressed to complete our pre-bedtime routine – the oatmilk, the brushing of teeth, changing of PJs, the 5 min allowance to play, the pee and poo, etc. Then bedtime is the magical moment. We read stories, we conjured our own stories, we chatted, we sang, we whispered secrets to each other.

I see from their eyes that they need me, they want me, they are with me, and those are enough reasons to go on.

About my preschoolers

Caitlin, my little princess is finally three. Kieran is coming to five. I've been a mother for five years. Motherhood has been a long roller coaster ride. Life is a journey of self discovery but motherhood kind of expedited the process.

A while ago, I went to Clark Quay and I had the fortune to sit by the river and watch the boats of tourists ride pass, and the colourful painted shophouses along the river banks. Life is good when there are small pockets of personal space and time here and there. Too much of it, and life will be a bore; too little of it, and life will be a chore. Hey, it rhymes! I can be a poet too. Haha!

This picture of my lovely girl smelling a rose, makes me smile. I love it when my family gets in touch with Nature. Nature brightens our hearts and lightens our loads.

Suddenly, my little boy seem such a grown up. We wouldn't be able to plan two hectic trips in a day when he was small. But now, it is much easier. He had been cooperative, even nice, and obliging throughout.

At night, when we sleep, Kieran would ensure that my head is on a pillow and that I am well settled before I sleep. He would look lovingly at his sister (although tonight, she reciprocated will a snarl and threatened to bite because she was in a cranky sleepy mood), and said "Goodnight" to his daddy. Elaine Aron said parenting a HSC has its ups and downs, and it all comes in a package, so we have got to accept it as a whole. I totally get it. I am going to embrace his uniqueness and his virtues, and work at encouraging him to overcome his fears. Hubby said if we coddle him, he won't be able to survive in the army (SG has compulsory enlistment for all SG boys, unless he wins Olympic Gold medal like J Schooling). I disagree. He's a preschooler. He has 14 years ahead of him to prepare himself for National Service (army enlistment). He will be loved and be treated as a preschooler for now. When he is ready to face the challenge, we will face it with him. We do not need to worry about him not being able to survive the harsh realities in army camps because we will be there to prepare him for it. We will be there to walk the journey with him. Let children be children, let men be men. When it is time to cuddle, we will not let the chance go by. When it is time to let go, we will do so with joy.

One day to Caitlin's 3 year old birthday

3 years ago, today, it was a day both hubby and I looked forward to. We were thrilled when we knew we were going to have a girl. We dreamt of dressing her up, tying her hair, hearing her sweet voice and cuddling her close. Caitlin was born on 2 August, morning. She completed our small family.

Caitlin was a feisty little one. She cried so loudly at the nursery that I was afraid the nurses would dislike her. Kieran meowed like a cat when he cried and he seemed easily satisfied (only in the beginning, I must clarify).

Today, Caitlin had runny nose and she was running a low grade fever. Today, was one of the saddest day in my life. I didn't know where to begin, and I didn't want to put too many negative things here so that I will continue to be reminded of the sad moments. I didn't know whether I was appreciated but I am always thinking of sacrificing myself so that my husband and/or my children will have a better and more comfortable life. It is so devastating to learn, from many months back, that no matter how much I sacrifice, my husband and my children can never have the perfect life that they ought to have. Today my husband was again, very frustrated with and got very firmed with Kieran. Kieran, being a HSP, was extremely hurt by his strict, cold and firm commands. Those words and tone of voice sounded extremely disrespectful to me. I asked him whether he would like it if I use those commanding tones and words on him every day, like what he did to our son. My husband would get physical problems almost daily and we did not know the cause after seeking advices from medical specialists. I guess he is simply not suitable to care for young children. I get exhausted with taking care of our young children, and I am appreciative of assistance from him. But now I am thinking whether it would be better if we alter our living arrangements so that he don't have to be in charge of our children's daily life. It might be better for his health and also, better for our children because then he won't be hurting them, especially Kieran who is more sensitive, more aware, more easily hurt, and whom I felt so much affinity with, because most likely, he is very like me - we feel the same way and so we hurt the same way. We are both highly sensitive. Unlike him, I have learnt to mask my high sensitivity, and found coping mechanisms to deal with the cruel and callous world. I had learnt to hate my sensitivity, and to believe that high sensitivity is weak, frail and incapable. My parents were not sensitive people and my father, the most important role model in my life, has taught me that to be sensitive is to be a weakling. Kieran is pure and innocent. He has the chance to appreciate his sensitive nature, and learn to love himself the way that I never had for myself. I recognise the importance of teaching him the ways of our world but at the same time, I do not want him to deny his uniqueness. I wish that he could learn to love his sensitivity and make use of his uniqueness to make our world a better place. "HSP are a gift to our world," Elaine Aron said. I am not sure. I wanted to say, "I wish my son would proof that statement for me." But I realised how wrong that would be. If I as a HSP, cannot proof that I am a gift to our world, how can I ask of my child to do that? I only feel like a shield now, always trying to protect my children from the harm that others unknowing project onto them.

Reflections July 2016

27 July 2016 Rainy Wednesday

Apologising is a defacto whenever mothers have to leave our children under the charge of other caretakers.

If I have to take a few hours off to run errands, for work, for personal reasons or simply for sanity’s sake, guilt is always among the top emotions running in my mind.

No matter how much fathers now share the responsibility of child-rearing, it seems that mothers are still perceived as the parent who shoulder the most responsibility in child-rearing. Even if the society does not judge us as such, mothers will naturally take a larger share of child-rearing responsibility, perhaps partially due to maternal instincts, and partially due to belief in traditional parental roles which was imbued throughout our childhood.

It sometimes seems unjust to me how husbands can leave the responsibility of child rearing to wives while they attend to other matters. How I wish I can easily leave the children to attend to other matters too. My do-to-list kept filling up - to visit the dental clinic for half yearly review, to visit the beauty salon for a long overdue facial, to start my daughter’s scrapbook which documents her growing journey from birth to one year old, to go for tea with my friends, to sort out the toys, to clean up the house, to take an afternoon off to drink tea and read a book, etc.

I used to plan for weekends. I used to get excited at events that the whole family can go. Nowadays I was too tired to think of weekend plans. When I see family event posters, I read the activity highlights and imagined how exhausting it will be to actually be involved in them. I cannot decide whether this is due to age or due to mental state. I believe most people will think the kind of life I’m leading now is tough. Whenever I felt life is tough, I will content myself with thinking that life would be tougher if I were not working - I would be physically and mentally exhausted with taking care of both children by myself, be cooking everyday, have even lesser autonomy on my time and life, and our family finances would be in trouble, having to pay for our parents’ monthly expenses, our flat mortgage, our children’s enrichment class fees, daily living expenses and transport fares. Without my work, I will be greatly deprived of intellectual stimulations, life challenges and conversations with fellow adults. In life, one can never get the best of worlds.

Love and advices

I was reading some sci fi stories of time travel. I wonder what an older me will advise the now-me. I wonder what I will advise my then-me if I could travel back in time. At this point, I do not wish to change anything about the past because my present is so lovely.

I will probably tell my then-me to save more money, don't splurge on those pretty and "feel-good" spendings that will end up as accumulations of materials in my home, and which "feel-good" factor doesn't last for more than a day at most. I will tell my then-me to try to really understand my parents instead of judging them as always being critical of myself. I will tell my then-me to persevere and that the worst and the best days in life will always be over, but the present is always the most important. I will tell my then-me that in future, I will realise that when I thought I understood and treasure life, I had in fact not understood anything about life, and not deeply felt the need to treasure it until I have my own children. Life is precious because of them. I learn to think deeply before I do because I do not think of only myself now. I think for my husband, my family, my son, my daughter, our future and our destiny together. A mother always put herself and her needs as the lowest priority. Before I become a mother, I glorified the sacrifices of a mother. After I become one, I no longer think in this way. To put my loved ones before myself is not a sacrifice, it is the most natural thing to do. If it is most natural, there is nothing to glorify. As children we accept it and we pass it on to elsewhere in the world, and we do greater things with the love that was given.

Life has a lesson. To be loved and to love. Although each of us learn it through a different way, the essence of love remains the same.

Sorry, I neglected you

I felt guilty today.

These few days, hubby and I were very caught up in Kieran's issues. Whenever we do activity, like the "Bucket activity" and colouring and writing, I will focus on teaching and explaining to Kieran, while I just let Caitlin do some activity on her own without guidance. When she started to disturb Kieran, I asked hubby to take her away, regardless of her protest and her cries. She must have felt so unfair. She must want so much for me to show attention on her.

Kieran's high sensitivity means that we need to spend a lot of time to patiently guide him and clarify his queries. When Caitlin is around and also needing our attention, we don't seem to notice her. Kieran is like the centre of the attention while Caitlin is at the peripheral of our vision, we noticed her but we don't take much notice of her. I love her very much and I wished I could give her more of me.

More of me is what Caitlin wanted very much. She will do naughty things and make a fuss so that I would hold her and hug her. She wants to be loved by me. But even as I hold her, I wasn't focusing on her, I would be talking to Kieran and making sure he felt ok, and not overwhelmed, etc. It seemed that I was holding her to pacify her, so that she wouldn't fuss, but even as I was physically with her, I wasn't totally with her.

Caitlin has two types of cries- one is the angry cry and the other is sad cry. Today before bed time, she cried really sadly. It was heartbreaking. It was after I saw her crying that I realised that she cried because she was hurt, and she was hurt because she was being neglected. She hugged me tightly at bed time and pushed Kieran away. She said "I don't want Kieran!" Kieran asked me, "Why did mei mei say that she don't want me?" I know why. It is because our parental attention to both children were too unfair. I hugged Caitlin and kissed her and promised her that I will show more attention and love to her. She fell asleep soon. But I felt so guilty that she had to fall asleep feeling so lousy.

Our Highly Sensitive Child

My hubby and I have always known that Kieran isn’t a textbook baby. He was a high demand baby and it took a lot of time to get him to wind down and get ready for bed. Being first time parents, we are not entirely sure what we do is right or wrong. We just go with what we believe is best for our precious baby. My first maternal instinct is to go for attachment parenting. I realized I was practicing attachment parenting way before I knew there was a term for it. It goes so well with our breastfeeding-on-demand and co-sleeping routine. I was chided many times by well-meaning elders because of Kieran’s clinginess to me. Their comments had me questioning whether my parenting style created my child’s behavior or whether his behavior created my parenting style? I came across a lovely story that says every child was once an angel in Heaven, and before they came, they chose their mummies (and daddies too), because they love this mummy and only this woman will be the most perfect mother for them. I believe Kieran chose me for a reason. He knows I will be the most suitable mother, adapting the most suitable parenting style that agree with his needs to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually in a chaotic and confusing world like ours. So I stopped doubting and I went on with what goes best for Kieran and me even though our parenting style veered totally off the pragmatic and traditional Asian parenting style.

1. When Kieran began school at the age of four, he was more than ready to experience a world without mummy and daddy constantly by his side. His character became more defined, and we started to realise that he reacts to situation differently from other children. We have a daughter, two years younger than Kieran so it is natural that we compare their developmental milestones. 
2. When we bring him to the playground, Kieran will stand at the side to watch and consider before he climbs up the safest structure. When he reacted this way as a two year old, I thought when he’s older and physically stronger, he will change. But he didn’t as a four year old. My daughter squeals with delight when she sees a playground and immediately rushes up the ladder or slide, never mind whether it’s safe or not. 
3. Kieran gets overwhelmed easily in crowded places and he starts to throw tantrums when something does not go his way. His tantrums are intense and shows that he is really experiencing a lot of pain inside. My daughter is less easily overwhelmed although she’s clingy to me too. Her tantrums are shorter and more related to unhappiness with unmet demands than to internal struggles.

Looking back, the differences in my two children are obvious since their birth. Kieran’s speech developed way earlier than his peers. He started talking when he was 10 months old. I remembered clearly that his first word was “bus”. He couldn’t pronounce that “s” sound so it sounded something like “ba” but he was vehemently gesturing towards the buses that zoomed past to make sure that we know he was referring to them. His speech developed in leaps and bounds, and by the time he’s 17 months old, we could have a proper albeit simple conversation with him. However, we were worried about his physical development because even though he finger grasp was good, and he could walk with support, he didn’t take his first independent steps until he was 17 months old and even then, his steps were shaky and he was prone to falls. My daughter, on the other hand, was our perfect textbook baby. She slept when it’s time to sleep, eat when it’s time to eat, talk when it’s time to talk, and walk when it’s time to walk. I thank God for her! She is lovely, lively, feisty, and caring.

Every time we bring our children out, and we observe how our two children play and interact with their surroundings, it became clearer that Caitlin is behaving like how we believe normal children should behave. Kieran, on the other hand, makes us scratch our head and sometimes cry in despair, trying to unravel what’s eating him. By the time Kieran was four years old, my husband and I looked at each other and said, “Kieran is not like other children. Something isn’t right but it isn’t very wrong either.”

He’s happy, healthy, developing well, he’s even very smart. He’s very observant and talks like an adult. Then I came across this article on The Highly Sensitive Child and a checklist on Highly Sensitive Child (HSC). I could tick almost everything on the list. I started to read up more about the HSC. I read Dr Elaine Aron’s articles and Ted Zed’s book on parenting a Highly Sensitive Boy, and joined a parents’ support group online and read about how other people are dealing with their HSC. I shared this new knowledge with my husband and my parents and in laws. Everyone was surprised because the description of a HSC fits our darling Kieran to a Tee! Suddenly, every falls into place. I researched online for ways to creatively help a HSC cope in life. Quoting Dr Elaine Aron, “A highly sensitive child is one of the fifteen to twenty percent of children born with a nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react to everything. This makes them quick to grasp subtle changes, prefer to reflect deeply before acting, and generally behave conscientiously. They are also easily overwhelmed by high levels of stimulation, sudden changes, and the emotional distress of others.” I’m grateful to Dr Aron’s work. Being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) herself, and having done extensive research on HSP, she understands and feels deeply how it is like to be highly sensitive.

Ted Zed said in his book that HSB’s compassionate and sensitive nature should be nurtured because they may become part of the next generation of men to take the helm of our world’s leadership, and they have a rippling effect on the decision-making process of traditional non-sensitive leaders who are responsible for implementations with dire effects on the environment and humanity, for instance destroying large areas of primary forest for urban development, raging wars, and using hard-handed measures during conflicts. However, when I look at my son timidly considering before participating in a group activity yesterday, I couldn’t help but wonder how a shy, sensitive, easily hurt and affected boy can raise up against those stronger, louder, scarier people in larger numbers. Highly sensitive people are, after all, statistically few in our population. That is why I will continue to gently encourage, support and groom my boy, so that he gradually but surely gains confidence to face his own fears, and in future, when we as parents, cannot be physically guiding him anymore, he will fall back on these positive experiences to face, counter, and overcome his fears, and will emerge, amidst adversities, as a better, stronger, more enlightened soul.

Mummy's Personal Time

Sat, 13 Feb afternoon, I went for a 3 hour break, away from the kids, and have a nice although short catch up with my close friends.

Before I left, my children said goodbye to me happily at the door. My husband was very willing to help look after our two angels while I go for a time off. It was a lovely feeling. I am eternally grateful to my husband. That was the first time I take a mummy's personal time away from the children.

Of course I would love to go on a date with hubby only, given that today is actually Valentine's Day. But I can't leave my children with my parents who are already taking care of them while husband and I go to work on weekdays. I guess we will just have to bid our time until that final day comes when we can both go on dates together again.

Now, we just count our blessings and be thankful that our parents are willing to help us care of the little angels while we work so that they do not have to go to a childcare centre for the whole day, and they enjoy the care and love from loving grandparents. I feel very comfortable leaving them in grandparents' care.

Life is not a bed of roses. However, amidst the hard times, I am glad that I always have hubby by my side. His presence is so reassuring, giving me a great sense of security, safety and love. After a tiring day at work, I brought the children home from my parents' place, and I see him at our house, doing his part to tidy up the house as I did my part to bring home our children. We were exhausted but we do not raise our voice at each other. Sometimes I was so tired that I questioned what is life really about, other than this daily torture. But at the end of the day, I lie in bed hugging my two small teddy bears, with my husband safe beside me, and I thought that is the happiest thing that could ever happen to me. Life is hard, but it is worth living, all because there is a purpose.

Love, self-sacrificing, unconditional love, add life to years.

Birthday

I'm officially 33 years old today. I don't feel like being 33!

I have two lovely kids (who sometimes aren't very lovely), a great husband who's also a doting father to our kids, a job with nice boss and colleagues, a relatively secure future, parents who are willing to sacrifice themselves to look after my kids while I work, a messy house and a loving home. That's more than what I hope for.

Thank you hubby for the lovely Chef Icon New York Cheese cake. My favourite birthday cake which I request for every year!