The extremes of emotions - Kieran

Kieran discovered that he can build a structure with lego that was as tall as he was. He was so proud, excited and overjoyed. He jumped around laughing! I could see twinkles in his eyes. He posted happily with his creation in this photo.

We brought the children to Changi Airport to see the Pokemon display. Earlier today, he told me in the morning that he dreamt of Pokemon show, and Ash and Pikachu were talking in Chinese instead of English which was the usual language he watched on tv. I showed him a Chinese version of Pokemon show on youtube and he was overjoyed. He drew these Pikachus while we were at the Airport. He has a wonderful memory. He was not looking at any Pikachu while he was drawing this. He simply drew by memory. I always thought he's more of a math and science kind of child. Now I feel slightly comforted that my artistic genes have been inherited by him as well.

Words cannot describe how much I love Kieran. Words cannot describe how much Kieran love us, and everything he love, and everything he knows and the entire World. For a HSC, they feel emotions  on the extreme. When they are happy, they are not simply happy but overjoyed, filled to the brim with pure joy. When they are sad, they feel despondent, depressed, utterly destroyed. That is why as parents, we must be careful how we might allow HSC to anticipate expectations from us.

I thought how amazing it is to see Kieran experiencing and expressing these extremes of emotions and feelings.

We had a very bad staycation experience where my hubby got sick and had to return home. That night at the hotel, Kieran sobbed silently. He told me he missed daddy badly. He's a sensible child and he don't fuss and fret but cry quietly.

When I felt angry with Kieran, I just had to think back to that night when he felt so sad and yet so much love for us. My anger will dissipate. He is a constant reminder to me that we must be kind to everyone. If there is someone as gentle and innocent and pure and lovable like Kieran in this world where we live in, human beings must not be too bad. If there is one Kieran, there must be many more.

Merry Christmas to the world. I feel the agony of those who live in despair and who suffers in war torn areas. Acutely aware of the sufferings, I cannot indulge in my joys. I pray and hope that those families will enjoy peace and love as I have, even for a short moment. I cannot imagine the agony a mother must feel if she was separated by her beloved child by death or otherwise. If Kieran was lost to me, the anguish I feel will be so intense that it will take my life away. But let God soothe your souls, mothers whose children were lost. There is no peace in asking Why. But do not let the pain numb your natural instincts to feel love and joy. The ache will never cease although it may grow to become a tiny ache at the depth of your heart, instead of a tormenting one that eats you away day and night. But that does not mean your love is forgotten. Your love will grow to encompass even more. I hope God's light brighten the path of every mothers for our journey is tough but our journey is worthwhile.

One day to Caitlin's 3 year old birthday

3 years ago, today, it was a day both hubby and I looked forward to. We were thrilled when we knew we were going to have a girl. We dreamt of dressing her up, tying her hair, hearing her sweet voice and cuddling her close. Caitlin was born on 2 August, morning. She completed our small family.

Caitlin was a feisty little one. She cried so loudly at the nursery that I was afraid the nurses would dislike her. Kieran meowed like a cat when he cried and he seemed easily satisfied (only in the beginning, I must clarify).

Today, Caitlin had runny nose and she was running a low grade fever. Today, was one of the saddest day in my life. I didn't know where to begin, and I didn't want to put too many negative things here so that I will continue to be reminded of the sad moments. I didn't know whether I was appreciated but I am always thinking of sacrificing myself so that my husband and/or my children will have a better and more comfortable life. It is so devastating to learn, from many months back, that no matter how much I sacrifice, my husband and my children can never have the perfect life that they ought to have. Today my husband was again, very frustrated with and got very firmed with Kieran. Kieran, being a HSP, was extremely hurt by his strict, cold and firm commands. Those words and tone of voice sounded extremely disrespectful to me. I asked him whether he would like it if I use those commanding tones and words on him every day, like what he did to our son. My husband would get physical problems almost daily and we did not know the cause after seeking advices from medical specialists. I guess he is simply not suitable to care for young children. I get exhausted with taking care of our young children, and I am appreciative of assistance from him. But now I am thinking whether it would be better if we alter our living arrangements so that he don't have to be in charge of our children's daily life. It might be better for his health and also, better for our children because then he won't be hurting them, especially Kieran who is more sensitive, more aware, more easily hurt, and whom I felt so much affinity with, because most likely, he is very like me - we feel the same way and so we hurt the same way. We are both highly sensitive. Unlike him, I have learnt to mask my high sensitivity, and found coping mechanisms to deal with the cruel and callous world. I had learnt to hate my sensitivity, and to believe that high sensitivity is weak, frail and incapable. My parents were not sensitive people and my father, the most important role model in my life, has taught me that to be sensitive is to be a weakling. Kieran is pure and innocent. He has the chance to appreciate his sensitive nature, and learn to love himself the way that I never had for myself. I recognise the importance of teaching him the ways of our world but at the same time, I do not want him to deny his uniqueness. I wish that he could learn to love his sensitivity and make use of his uniqueness to make our world a better place. "HSP are a gift to our world," Elaine Aron said. I am not sure. I wanted to say, "I wish my son would proof that statement for me." But I realised how wrong that would be. If I as a HSP, cannot proof that I am a gift to our world, how can I ask of my child to do that? I only feel like a shield now, always trying to protect my children from the harm that others unknowing project onto them.

Reflections July 2016

27 July 2016 Rainy Wednesday

Apologising is a defacto whenever mothers have to leave our children under the charge of other caretakers.

If I have to take a few hours off to run errands, for work, for personal reasons or simply for sanity’s sake, guilt is always among the top emotions running in my mind.

No matter how much fathers now share the responsibility of child-rearing, it seems that mothers are still perceived as the parent who shoulder the most responsibility in child-rearing. Even if the society does not judge us as such, mothers will naturally take a larger share of child-rearing responsibility, perhaps partially due to maternal instincts, and partially due to belief in traditional parental roles which was imbued throughout our childhood.

It sometimes seems unjust to me how husbands can leave the responsibility of child rearing to wives while they attend to other matters. How I wish I can easily leave the children to attend to other matters too. My do-to-list kept filling up - to visit the dental clinic for half yearly review, to visit the beauty salon for a long overdue facial, to start my daughter’s scrapbook which documents her growing journey from birth to one year old, to go for tea with my friends, to sort out the toys, to clean up the house, to take an afternoon off to drink tea and read a book, etc.

I used to plan for weekends. I used to get excited at events that the whole family can go. Nowadays I was too tired to think of weekend plans. When I see family event posters, I read the activity highlights and imagined how exhausting it will be to actually be involved in them. I cannot decide whether this is due to age or due to mental state. I believe most people will think the kind of life I’m leading now is tough. Whenever I felt life is tough, I will content myself with thinking that life would be tougher if I were not working - I would be physically and mentally exhausted with taking care of both children by myself, be cooking everyday, have even lesser autonomy on my time and life, and our family finances would be in trouble, having to pay for our parents’ monthly expenses, our flat mortgage, our children’s enrichment class fees, daily living expenses and transport fares. Without my work, I will be greatly deprived of intellectual stimulations, life challenges and conversations with fellow adults. In life, one can never get the best of worlds.

Not forgiving anytime soon

With a little baby, there are so many inconveniences to things that would have been simple in life.

Yesterday I was trying to discuss with hubby about the schedules for the coming weeks as I have several baby shower and wedding invitations to attend and I'm not sure baby is fit to attend them with us. For one, he fusses a lot in the evening and it'll be so embarrassing if he cries and cries if I try to feed him. And he still wails when we put him in the car seat for a long ride.

This Sunday I have to attend a wedding in the morning, a baby shower in the evening, Monday, another wedding in the evening, then during the weekend, I was hoping to put money in baby's CDA account for use when we need it. Next Sat, we have to attend a relative's house warming and baby must go for this one, then the following week is another good friend's baby shower.

But I am very sad. Yesterday when Hubby and I had a chance to talk over dinner, all he was concerned about was Groupon discounts and surfing the net. I haven't completed my sentence and he was already calling someone over the phone about something he read online. I had appalled by his lack of interest in what I was saying. I am interested in planning a schedule but he was more interested in commenting on other people's choice of baby shower timings. Irritated max. It got to the extend that I snatch his handphone from him in an attempt to make him listen but I guess that attempt failed too. I felt like smashing the idiot phone against the wall although I returned it to him. Later, I went in to look after baby and he knew I was unhappy but that's too late. If he doesn't care, then why should I bother? I will just make the arrangements myself and he doesn't need to be in the picture since he doesn't care.

Sometimes it pains me to see how less effort hubby is investing in baby's care. I understand he has to work. But the most he did is to hold baby awhile in the evening. He doesn't need to wake up in the middle of the night to care for baby, change diaper or feed baby. I try to let him sleep as much as possible and be as stress free as possible by doing everything myself but I dun want him to take things for granted. Does he know that other dads wake up in the middle of the night to rock baby to sleep when they wake up crying? Does he know that other dads come home to play with baby, change nappy, cook dinner etc instead of checking mails, reading news and watching tv like he does?

I refused to talk to him much in the morning. He doesn't realized his mistake. Guys will not reaslise their mistake if you tell them how wrong they are in the face. Guys will never learn. Even after he sensed that something is wrong, he doesn't know how he can make it right. He just sleeps at the time he sleeps everyday. Even though he knows my love language is "quality time", he doesn't give me the attention that I require. These few nights, it is always dinner, feeding baby and then I will entertain baby until he sleeps, and wake up in the middle of the night to care for baby while he continue on his usual lifestyle of sleeping before 11pm and wakes up for work. Its not that I am complaining about the unfairness. I just want him to realise all these doesn't come easy. He comes home to marvel at baby's cuteness while I do all the work and the pacifying.

Yes, I'm feeling very bitter, and no, I am not ready to forgive him. Especially since he isn't even doing anything to ask for forgiveness too. Taking too much for granted... taking too much for granted... :(

Baby feeds

I was so depressed yesterday evening that I called hubby and cried, telling him how our darling babe refused to wake up for feeds and drink so little when I put him to my breast.

When hubby came home, I was in tears and I cried as I ate my dinner. MIL and others saw and were concerned but they cannot be of any help. I need hubby to be there with me, sharing the pain and the worries.

Luckily, baby suddenly came alive in the evening. After changing diaper, baby fed 35min! He totally drained out the milk on one of my breasts! I gave him the other breast. He suckled for 5min and decided to call it a day. Hubby played with baby and I joined in the play, feeling so happy. I'm jealous of hubby. He loves his daddy and only behaves when daddy comes home. Yesterday, he was smiling and gaggling to hubby before he goes to work! But in the day when I try to wake him up, he just sleeps and sleeps like a koala.

As for night feeds, he had a good sleep after a hearty meal and woke me up at 2.30 with his cries. I can sense his impatience. I quickly pump out some milk to keep the aerola soft, picked up Yun Xuan and fed him. He's enjoying his feed very much. He drank a lot and then fell asleep. I'm so happy! After Yun Xuan went back to sleep in his cot, I kneeled down and gave my thanks to God. God blessed my little baby!

I'm happy when he feeds more and depressed when he feeds less or reject feeds. Sigh. My emotions are controlled by this little baby.

This morning, he woke up at 7am for his sun bath to prevent jaundice, and at 8am he is crying so hungrily for his feeds, he cannot play with his Papa before he goes to work. I fed him quite a lot too until he seems satisfied and then let him rest until his bath time.

Now baby Yun Xuan is lying down, and resting, fully awake after a good bath. But not hungry so I can't feed him. I had wanted to feed him after bath but he's too hungry before bath so I had to feed him before bath.

Hugs my dearest Yun Xuan baby. Everyday, we wait for daddy to come home to accompany us. It's really a torture doing confinement. The food is great coz my mother in law cooks very well but I can't shower and drink cold drinks in such hot weather. This is horrible. I switch on air con time and again to cool myself down. My MIL likes to swaddle Yun Xuan up and he's very red and hot after awhile because there isn't even fan blowing at him or air con! Back at our own home, I will keep baby cool with air con. If babies are swaddled too hot, they are at risk of Sudden Infant Death (SID).

20 more days to baby's full month! 2 more weeks and my confinement will be over. I can go wherever I want provided I can feed baby when he demands. Hugs dearest hubby and Yun Xuan. They are the most precious to me.

Jaundice fear

We were so afraid that baby's jaundice will persists and his bilirubin level will go up because lately, he still looks so yellowish. You can see his skin is yellowish and his eye whites are yellowish. I was so worried that I cried and cried. My hubby too was very very worried. We consulted our friends, anyone we could think of who can give advices, read online articles, forums etc, and looked for another pediatrician to seek a second opinion. The previous one whom we saw kept asking me to feed baby water in the day and infant formula at night so I am very unhappy with her.

Hubby's aunt told us about a pediatrician that her ex-colleague recommended. I read online that he's good and highly recommended by many mothers in the forum. Sure enough, Dr Ong EK of International Child and Adolescent Clinic is experienced and patiently explained to me about jaundice and other baby issues like baby acne, white spots in baby's mouth, etc. He is very detailed and even noticed that baby's umbilical cord is not so well cleaned and clean the sides for us with alcohol swipe. Very nice doctor. Kinderclinic initially arranged for baby to do blood test again this friday. I asked whether we could change the blood test to his clinic instead. But the nurse misunderstood that I requested for baby to have a blood test done. Lucky another nurse saw that the bilirubin level is 12.6, not that high and said my baby should not be required to do another test. She went to check with Dr Ong again and he said it is not necessary. Lucky! Coz I dun want my baby to undergo another poke and drawing of blood again unnecessarily. So heart pain.

My dearest baby still is very sleepy and won't wake up for feeds every 2-3 hourly. He also falls asleep very easily 5-10min into the feed. If I'm lucky and he's very hungry, he can feed for 25min-30min with some intermittent stopping to burb or when he accidentally unlatch. My happiest is when he feed 35-40min at one feed! But that is rare. He usual pattern is feed 5min, sleep, wake him up, burb, feed 10min, sleep, wake him up, change diaper, feed 5min sleep. Sigh. When can my darling baby feed longer and wake up more?

I think I don't really want to worry about the night feeds anymore. Just let him sleep through the night since he is so sleepy. Coz last 2 nights I worried so much that I had nightmare and hallucination. Couldn't sleep well at all.

I am so concerned about his feeding because he needs to feed well and poo mustard yellow colored poo often in order to clear his jaundice. Every time I explained his situation to pediatrician, they say its normal for baby this young to sleep often but make sure he feeds well. But sleep so often and so easily how to feed well?! Sigh, the problem is my own to face. I told my hubby to not be stressed and worried like me, and instead be my support and pillar and keep me positive when I am stressed up. When both parents go crazy, its difficult to make good decisions. I'm so emotional lately that I'll cry so easily. I was so desperate for my baby to stay awake and feed just now, that I prayed to God to let him feed longer. Please God, bless my little baby and keep him healthy and glowing.

Baby Kieran Sia Yun Xuan is born on 10 Oct 2010!

My dearest baby Sia Yun Xuan Kieran is born on 10 Oct 2011. A wonderful date, isn't it?!

Haha.

The whole delivery process goes like this:

Early morning, hubby and I woke up for breakfast as usual. Rainy day and Hubby said rainy days are usually lucky days for him. He has a feeling something good will be happening today!

Hubby received call from the company he went for interview at and he was informed that he is offered a placement. He called me to talk about handing in his resignation and asked if there's any sign of labour yet. I said no. No bloody show, no nothing. I'm still at 38 weeks 4 days pregnant.

I went to take a short nap.

10.30am, while lying down on bed, resting, I heard, or rather felt a "pop" sound below, somewhere at my lower tummy. A few minutes later, I felt warm gush of fluid there, much like period coming.

Heart pounding, I rushed to the bathroom and saw my pantyliner stained with pinkish liquid. Washed and saw clear liquid with some blood stains flowing up continuously.

Called hubby and asked him whether he has tendered. He said yes. I told him water bag burst. He was shocked. I told him I was very frightened and nervous. He asked me not to be afraid and asked me to call my doctor and my dad immediately. Dad will come to drive me to hospital.

Dr Ho's clinic nurse asked me whether the flow of liquid is a lot. Its trickling but not a big gush. So I was advised to go to the clinic first. We did a fetal heartbeat test and Dr Ho checked the dilation. I was already 3cm dilated! I was like huh, 3cm and I felt no contraction?

He sent me to the labour ward. I didn't have anything except breakfast at 8am in the morning. Dr Ho said it's better not to eat anything in case an emergency surgery is necessary. When I'm in labour, I won't feel like eating anyway. A nurse in his office is so kind to give me a pack of biscuits. My parents, and hubby are with me. My parents in law are on their way. I couldn't believe it. My water bag broke at 10 Oct 2011, exactly the date I wish he will be born. My little angel!

I was so nervous when I went to the delivery ward. I was told to change into the hospital gown but leave the back unbuttoned in case I need epidural which needs to be injected to my spine. The nurses are so friendly and kindly answered my questions. Their calmness made me less nervous and afraid.

I'm so glad hubby is with me throughout the whole process. I am lucky to have such a loving and supportive husband.

The contraction was really painful. It started soon after I lie down on the bed with IVF inserted. I am relieved the anasthesist finally came and injected epidural. One painful insertion of the needle and one rather painful insertion of the catheter and then there's no more pain. I used the laughing gas because I thought it can help me alleviate the pain but the gas doesn't have much use. Gripping hard on the handle of the laughing gas pump helps though.

Then we waited another few more hours. Dr Ho came to check and said its still 3cm. My contraction isn't strong enough to dilate the cervix. He ordered the IVF medicine to be increased and within 1 hour, my cervix was dilated another 4 cm. Soon, the nurses came and said they want to prepare for delivery. Lucky that I used epidural. Hubby said the scale went really high up during peak of the contraction.

Then, I was 10cm dilated. Dr Ho came and told me he is going to deliver the baby now. He will use a vacuum but he still need me to push. I couldn't feel anything there after the epidural but the nurses and dearest hubby encouraged me to push when I should. I pushed not so hard at first. Then with their encouragement, I pushed harder and harder.

We heard baby's cry and there! My darling little angel Yun Xuan is born!

I immediately felt my stomach went "down" and the nurse put a crying little baby on the cloth on my chest. I was amazed and I really am not sure whether I should touch baby or hug him or what... My hubby is so brave! He watched the whole delivery process and see baby's head emerge from my vagina. He said baby came out facing side ways.

Then we watched and took photos of little Yun Xuan while doctor stitched me up. After that, Dr Ho informed me that I will feel pain a few hours later when the epidural wears off. Little did I know that the pain would be so intense that I couldn't sleep at all on day 1! Dr Ho came to check the stitches on the 2nd day and told me that besides the episiotomy, I also suffered a larger tear on the right side because my skin was too delicate. That explained the long time he took to stitch me up.

The lactation consultant came on the day after delivery to teach me breastfeeding but I couldn't do it well because the wound hurts so much! Most of my energy is gone to bearing the pain of the wound. I called hubby early on the day after the delivery to ask him to came to hospital quickly, I need him as I was feeling so extremely painful.

I love my little darling. He had jaundice on day 3 and his bilirubin level went up to level 14. So I stayed one more day to accompany him. I tried to breastfeed him as best as I can and to relieve his agony of taking off all his clothes and going under the phototherapy, I asked the nurses to feed him formula milk if he cried too hard. Then the next day, he level is 11.5 and the doctor said he can go home. Babies can go home if they are below level 10 but the doctor said he can go home but we must feed him well, make sure he passes urine and stool well and he has some sun bathing in the morning between 8-10am.

I really love my darling baby. Now, he is suffering because his bilirubin level is still high, he keeps sleeping and sleeping, not waking up every 2-3 hourly for feeds. My breasts are engoarged and I really really want to feed my little darling like I did in the hospital. I don't know what I should do. I'm at such a lost. I just want my little darling to get well as soon as possible. If he don't get enough breast milk, his bilirubin level will go up, and I can't bear my darling baby doing back to hospital again. If he needs to be admitted, what should I do?

He's not feeding well like other babies. He just kept sleeping. I'm useless at waking him up.

I was miserable that I was crying since this afternoon. Thinking of my little baby suffering makes me cry more and more. Other people around me showing concern made me cry even more! I just hope they would just leave me alone so that I can spend time with just me and my baby and I don't have to feel terrible with people disturbing me when I feed him and I don't have to bother with unwelcomed advices. I just want my hubby to be beside me, talking to me, reassuring me, caring for me and telling me baby and I are just going to be fine.

I hope everything goes well for my beloved and we can be happy again.

Love of a leopard

Watched Nat Geo Wild's Big Cat Odessey. Touched by a part of the film where the researchers observe a young leopard killed a baboon and dragged it up to the trees. At the foot of the tree, something dropped out when he was dragging the baboon - a tiny one day old baboon baby.

The researchers expected the hungry leopard to eat the baby but to their surprise, it didn't and even protected it, taking it to higher grounds when another smaller predator tried to get close. It nursed the baby roughly but tenderly. It had a very motherly feel even though it was not a mother itself yet. It used it's nose to touch the baby baboon, stay close to keep it warm and protected. Even though the baby will eventually die without it's mother's milk and care, the love of the leopard towards it's natural prey seem to be a love on a higher level than the love it will show towards it's own young.

Big Cats in Africa are under danger of extinction. This is due to human's fear of them and thus the mass persecution, and the killing of these cats for their skin to show off power and beauty. From 50k, the population dropped to 20k. The lesser number of hunters made it difficult for them to hunt preys like buffalos and elephants. Strangely, this leads to competition and killings within a pride of lions. Sisters lionesses are killing each other's cubs and this pride lost 96 cubs since records due to this killings. The pride was destroyed, the lions no longer the strong hunters as they were before. Lioness eat their own cubs after they were killed. A natural instinct to survive, I guess. A very cruel truth for the mother lioness.

It is tough to be a predator in the wilderness. You've got to work hard to earn your meal, and each hunt is difficult. You've only got your body to work for you and each hunt is putting your life at risk. My heart goes out to the predators as much as to the preys. Nobody wants to be cruel, only for survival.

6 weeks more to go!

I'm in my 34th week of pregnancy. Which means there's only 6 weeks more to go! Exciting! I'm looking forward to baby's arrival but I'm totally not looking forward to confinement. It's 1 month of pure torture to me. I'm sweating like crazy even in an aircon room now. I cannot imagine no fan and no bathing for 1 month. Whoever came up with such torturous tradition?! I'm not going to follow all the rules. It's crazy because we are staying in hot and humid Singapore. In the olden days, temperature in Singapore is much cooler, so it makes more sense to follow the rules. Not now when everyday is so hot. My mom said after she finished her confinement, she remembered it's Christmas Day and temperature is 20 deg celcius!!! Unless it's some kind of freak day, temp in Singapore will never drop to 20 deg celcius!

What have you, self centered ancestors done to our poor Earth since the industrial revolution? What have you done to make your pitiful descendants suffer so much? The unbearable heat and the pollution and all the cancer causing agents you released into our once clean atmosphere, just for your personal short term gain and comfort. I wish humankind had not been so greedy and had been a little bit more far-sighted and wiser.

I'm looking forward to taking bb home to Punggol new flat and spending time with him. There, where hubby and I spent so much time discussing, planning and decorating. Bringing baby home is the happiest. Of course I worry abt depression and housework when we go back because then, nobody will be there to help us but I think it's better than to stay at mother in law's place where I'll be doing confinement. I hate TV noises for one thing. They like to watch TV but at home, my TV was never on if I'm home. The radio and TV noises stresses me. I prefer quietness. Reading, surfing the net and other quiet activities made me happy. That's why I packed a pair of earplugs to go for my hospital stay and confinement.

I'll try out to see how this confinement goes. If it's really very stressful and there are a lot of conflicts and I got into depression or some unpleasant emotional moments, I'll not attempt confinement anymore for second baby. It's not worth it.

I find it sad too that there's social pressure for me to start work soon after baby's birth. I hope I don't have to do that. I want to spend as much time as possible with my baby, even until he's into his toddler years. Why can't you all let mothers just be mothers? Besides I'm not a person made to enjoy the stability of a 9 to 5 office job. I agree it's much better for family life but I really will get so jaded after a while of these stagnancy. I need excitement, adventures and something to stimulate my creativity every now and then. I remembered there were times I was so bored and frustrated that I plan holidays, and took up violin lessons, and thought of changing job. Everyone has a niche in this mosaic of our society and I really wish to be a creative arts industry. This has always been discouraged because I've potential to go university, I won't earn much if I study art, I'll become weird if I study too much art... All my parents' reasons. At this point, I do have a chance to right what was wrong with a tight budget of course, but it really depends on whether I can once again, take the society's demeaning glare, the disapproval of elders and the risks involved. What is a life really, if there are no dreams left to pursue and no challenges to overcome. If I just succumb to pressure now, there might never be another chance, and perhaps I will die with regrets and the message I will leave to my younger generations is that the world is a cruel and bitter place, and ambitions and dreams that do not fit into the social norms will not be encouraged. No, I do not want that to happen. I still, would like to embrace life and grow and learn, and lead my life the fulfilling way it was meant to be. I feel sorry for my parents, my husband and my future children that I am not the money-spinning career woman kind who would have benefitted them much more. But I have to make a choice to make them contented or to be true to myself. I think they would want the best for me, no matter how they dislike it. I'm sorry for being this defiant.

Today's post is more emotional than I wish it to be. I'll write about my hospital bag packing list and other baby stuff in my next post.

So long...

Postscript on 20 October, 2014 after being a mother for 3 years and having given birth to Kieran and Caitlin:
Looking back at my old post, I feel like a wiser woman reading the musings of a foolish, young and inexperienced lady. Oh, how I wish I could hug my former, anxious, immature self and tell her to relax and tell her that "look, I am your future, and your future, is beautiful is happy. No need for those opinionated musings and vengeful words. You will eventually grow wiser, and happier and you will see that happiness lies inside you and happiness lies in letting go, not in chasing dreams, not in the forms of the challenges, the adventures and the creativity that you once relentlessly seek."

Busy preparation

Baby is 25 weeks today. 6 months old.
Dr Ho say he is about 683g. I wonder how they calculate with just the ultrasound scan machine alone.
So far I only gain 2kg for the entire 6 months. But lucky baby's weight is normal. That means I've slimmed down a lot.

Today, I don't feel very good at all. Yesterday morning, I'm able to wake up early, prepare breakfast for hubby and walk long distance for my tao huay and da bao vegetarian bee hoon for lunch.

But today, I could only lie on bed and feel really groggy. Couldn't prepare breakfast. Lucky we bought swissroll and it doesn't need much preparation.

I was really stressed up today, feeling bouts of frustration ever since morning, but for no good reason. Perhaps because of the hot weather, perhaps because I called up to book the breastfeeding lesson and learned that I've missed the previous 2 lessons last week. Anyway, I wasn't free last week. Then I have to reschedule meeting up with friends, and reschedule meeting with contractor for my new home just to attend the breastfeeding lesson.

I booked the lesson through this Breastfeeding mothers' support group website but after calling and emailing them, they have yet to give me a confirmation yet. Haiz.

I also found that the yoga lesson at Motherandchild has no vacancy this Fri so I scheduled one on next Fri. There is only 1 vacancy but I'm going with a friend so they changed it to the following Fri but they'll call me up if there's enough vacancy for me and my friend on next Fri.

I also booked my post-natal Malay massage lady. $70 per session for 7 days... She's recommended as reliable and nice in mummysg forum so hopefully she's good. I'm still considering whether to engage her for pre-natal massage for $75 per session too. Maybe later on.

Time is a precious scarcity and everyday, there are so much things to do and so little time.

I really would like to enjoy swimming and to go shopping for my mummy and baby essentials. I have a list to buy... Friend gave me a list of must-buy or must-prepare stuff to pack into bags before baby's arrival.

It seems that time flies and I'm already left with 4 months to Baby's arrival!

Its now time for me to bath and get something to eat, and go to parents' place. I always believe happiness is a choice and we are in charge of our own happiness, and now that perhaps hormonal changes or whatever it is is making me feel frustrated, I have to do something to cheer myself up :)

Suddenly emo

It's been an emotional roller coaster ride recently. Perhaps it's the hormones due to pregnancy, perhaps it's the physical discomfort (baby kicking hard, frequent hunger pangs and sudden hot flushes), perhaps the recent stressors, perhaps because hubby has been busy and neglecting time with me. Or perhaps it is a combi of different factors at different times. These 2 weeks, I'm feeling very down. I raised my voice at dad, mom n hubby several times and I suddenly feel very irritated and angry, and I cried several times too.

I've been requesting for hubby to spend more time with me so that at least that can help me feel a bit better but it has not yet been realized. Sometimes I wish I will be sick with morning sickness again so that he will spend more time with me. Now that I am well, almost every night, he has something to do, somewhere to go and if he's at home, he has some task to complete.

I'm now pregnant so I really do not and cannot bother so much about renovation stuff. I hope hubby can take the lead and do most of the liaising and running around to do things. I can discuss design and ideas and prices but I do not want to bother about calling ppl and negotiating etc. I do not have high requirements when it comes to renovation. I'm more into buying furnitures n deco to beauty up the house. I really want to look at baby stuff and really buy some if those important things before baby's arrival. But all these things are so difficult to relate to hubby. After RT, he's tired, he couldn't think about me and he didn't even cook things for me when I suddenly became hungry at night. I was so disappointed today that I have packed my stuff and wanted to move back to my parents' place. At least if I'm hungry at night, they will care for me. When I'm so hungry, I really do not have energy to cook things myself but most people do not understand. It's also very sad that I have to do it myself because hubby does not want to. So I went to sleep despite the hunger, couldn't sleep well n had to wake up at 4.30am to toast bread to eat. I felt thoroughly miserable.

Apologies that this post is full of complains. When I told hubby about how I feel, he called to show his concern but I'm uncertain that things will change. It is a recurring problem that he frequently neglects me and baby in future when he's caught up in his busy schedule. Sigh. I wish we can develop a better and happier family life and not give up family time so easily  when busy with individual commitments.