6 weeks more to go!

I'm in my 34th week of pregnancy. Which means there's only 6 weeks more to go! Exciting! I'm looking forward to baby's arrival but I'm totally not looking forward to confinement. It's 1 month of pure torture to me. I'm sweating like crazy even in an aircon room now. I cannot imagine no fan and no bathing for 1 month. Whoever came up with such torturous tradition?! I'm not going to follow all the rules. It's crazy because we are staying in hot and humid Singapore. In the olden days, temperature in Singapore is much cooler, so it makes more sense to follow the rules. Not now when everyday is so hot. My mom said after she finished her confinement, she remembered it's Christmas Day and temperature is 20 deg celcius!!! Unless it's some kind of freak day, temp in Singapore will never drop to 20 deg celcius!

What have you, self centered ancestors done to our poor Earth since the industrial revolution? What have you done to make your pitiful descendants suffer so much? The unbearable heat and the pollution and all the cancer causing agents you released into our once clean atmosphere, just for your personal short term gain and comfort. I wish humankind had not been so greedy and had been a little bit more far-sighted and wiser.

I'm looking forward to taking bb home to Punggol new flat and spending time with him. There, where hubby and I spent so much time discussing, planning and decorating. Bringing baby home is the happiest. Of course I worry abt depression and housework when we go back because then, nobody will be there to help us but I think it's better than to stay at mother in law's place where I'll be doing confinement. I hate TV noises for one thing. They like to watch TV but at home, my TV was never on if I'm home. The radio and TV noises stresses me. I prefer quietness. Reading, surfing the net and other quiet activities made me happy. That's why I packed a pair of earplugs to go for my hospital stay and confinement.

I'll try out to see how this confinement goes. If it's really very stressful and there are a lot of conflicts and I got into depression or some unpleasant emotional moments, I'll not attempt confinement anymore for second baby. It's not worth it.

I find it sad too that there's social pressure for me to start work soon after baby's birth. I hope I don't have to do that. I want to spend as much time as possible with my baby, even until he's into his toddler years. Why can't you all let mothers just be mothers? Besides I'm not a person made to enjoy the stability of a 9 to 5 office job. I agree it's much better for family life but I really will get so jaded after a while of these stagnancy. I need excitement, adventures and something to stimulate my creativity every now and then. I remembered there were times I was so bored and frustrated that I plan holidays, and took up violin lessons, and thought of changing job. Everyone has a niche in this mosaic of our society and I really wish to be a creative arts industry. This has always been discouraged because I've potential to go university, I won't earn much if I study art, I'll become weird if I study too much art... All my parents' reasons. At this point, I do have a chance to right what was wrong with a tight budget of course, but it really depends on whether I can once again, take the society's demeaning glare, the disapproval of elders and the risks involved. What is a life really, if there are no dreams left to pursue and no challenges to overcome. If I just succumb to pressure now, there might never be another chance, and perhaps I will die with regrets and the message I will leave to my younger generations is that the world is a cruel and bitter place, and ambitions and dreams that do not fit into the social norms will not be encouraged. No, I do not want that to happen. I still, would like to embrace life and grow and learn, and lead my life the fulfilling way it was meant to be. I feel sorry for my parents, my husband and my future children that I am not the money-spinning career woman kind who would have benefitted them much more. But I have to make a choice to make them contented or to be true to myself. I think they would want the best for me, no matter how they dislike it. I'm sorry for being this defiant.

Today's post is more emotional than I wish it to be. I'll write about my hospital bag packing list and other baby stuff in my next post.

So long...

Postscript on 20 October, 2014 after being a mother for 3 years and having given birth to Kieran and Caitlin:
Looking back at my old post, I feel like a wiser woman reading the musings of a foolish, young and inexperienced lady. Oh, how I wish I could hug my former, anxious, immature self and tell her to relax and tell her that "look, I am your future, and your future, is beautiful is happy. No need for those opinionated musings and vengeful words. You will eventually grow wiser, and happier and you will see that happiness lies inside you and happiness lies in letting go, not in chasing dreams, not in the forms of the challenges, the adventures and the creativity that you once relentlessly seek."