Happy Birthday Caitlin and Kieran

This year's birthday celebration for both children are again simple yet warm affairs. We ordered their fav ice cream cake with their fav cartoon characters and we invited the grandparents as guests.

Caitlin is FOUR!

Kieran is SIX!

Our happy family, Kieran's Starwars ice cream cake and Lego Starwars fighter and mini figurines (which actually belongs to papa).

At around his birthday, he also graduated from the Yamaha Junior Music Course. We are not continuing him for the JXC course when the children will start to learn their lessons unaccompanied by their parents. However, we will continue to let him learn music and we are planning to buy a piano. This course has given him a great start in music education. When I flipped through the Primary One Music book, I can't help but feel how easy it is compared to the rigorous music training in Yamaha. 

Little Ballerina Caitlin

Nothing is as precious as creating memories with our loved ones.

I attended Caitlin's ballet Open House at Crestar School of Dance. Remember I signed her up for ballet about one plus year back? She was still such a tiny little girl in the bebe ballet class. She has progressed so much and is now doing actual ballet moves! She's following instructions and dancing quite well too! My heart swelled with pride when I see my little pink ballerina dancing happily with her teacher and friends. Recently, she kept saying that she don't want to go ballet but I saw that she actually enjoys it once she's in the class and she would do her ballet steps to show us at home. I would like her to continue enjoying dancing and music.

My pretty girl

Cheeky Princess 

Caitlin the ballerina

Doing a pretty curtsey

One can see from the pictures how adorable the little girls are! No wonder parents are signing up their daughters for ballet! For them to look cute in the outfit! Haha. I do realise that her leg muscles are stronger than her gor gor's. I think ballet does help improve her physique and poise.

Primary school placement confirmed

Kieran has gotten a place at the Primary school opposite our flat. Confirm plus chop.

I went to the school website and read that the children are learning so many things, and I bought some Primary One assessment books from the bookstore to see what a child is now required to know at Primary One. Gosh… the syllabus are so hard.

I’m really glad we sent Kieran for reading classes so that he can at least read independently before he starts formal school. We have not started anything much for Math and Chinese. We have very limited time since both hubby and I are working full time. I wish so much to have more time to spend with my children. Kieran now has weekly reading and spelling test and he has a music exam coming up in September. The music lesson is getting more demanding of our attention and time. We are going to stop his music lesson for a while and switch him to a private tutor to learn at his own pace later on. I now know why we should cut down on children’s tuition and academic enrichment lessons – they are more stressful for us, parents than they are for them.

Just a thought when I was chatting about handling children’s stress with my fellow mummy friends - We always tell ourselves or our children to "achieve the best result", but I think we should "achieve the optimal result". “Best” is comparative; you are comparing your achievement with someone else’s or with your past accomplishments. However, “optimal” means at this point, given the specific conditions and limitations, you are performing to the best of your ability. That, in itself, is enough, regardless of the outcome. What a comforting thought... but of course arguably, this kind of mindset wouldn’t do for a sportsperson or a performing artist. It does for me though… which explains why I always navigate away from life’s toughest challenges. Sigh. I can never successfully achieve the kiasu parent status. Well, let's chill and have a cuppa tea. :)

Parenting HSC and reflections

Parenting, with Kieran, is a soul-searching journey. Parenting my children is a great journey but parenting highly sensitive children is almost life-changing... if we acknowledge, appreciate and love them who who they are.

A few days ago, I wanted to teach Kieran something, and I told him to sit at his study desk. Caitlin was drawing at the desk, beside him and he wanted to draw something too, but I wanted to teach him number bonds. So I took out a book and pen and proceeded to teach. He made a frustrated sound and said he wanted to draw. So I looked frustrated as well and said, "Ok." while I walk away. He got afraid suddenly. He ran up to me and said, "I'll do number bonds! I'll do number bonds!" I told him, still sounding frustrated, that he should just go and do what he like. He said, "I like to do number bonds. Please, don't have a sad day!" 

That surprised me. In the past, I knew he was willing to do something he did not want to do to make me happy. But now, he is willing to like something he did not like to do to make me happy. It was good that he care so much for me but I thought nobody in this world should force themselves to do, and worse like something they did not like to do to please other people. That's not right. That's not a right character to cultivate. I asked him, "Why did you say you like to do number bonds?" He said yes, he really like to do them. I asked him, "Is it really true you like to do them?" He said he wanted me to have "happy day". He said he will have a sad day if I have sad day too. It is true. He looks extremely distressed whenever I look sad. So we got into a negotiation. He said he wanted to do number bonds to make me happy. I said I wanted him to do drawing and colouring to make him happy. He said it is important that I am happy because if I am not happy he is not happy. I told him it is important that he is happy because if he is not happy I am not happy too. So we compromised. I told him that I would really love it if he drew me a lovely picture for me to paste on my office cubicle wall. We could learn number bonds after he drew me that picture. He happily set out to draw a picture. He put lots of effort into it. There's a cute story to every component he drew. I was digging for dinosaur bones in the picture. There was a purple house with a red roof, that looked a little slanted to the left. Papa was hiding behind a tree, playing hide and seek with him and his sister. Caitlin was small and holding his hand. He was standing beside me. It was all lovely. It was more precious than the rarest jewel on Earth.

I have never met anyone with a heart as kind as Kieran. Sometimes I wonder where he's from before he came into our arms as our lovely baby. Was he an angel? Was he someone even better than an angel? He seldom have a temper although when he is distressed by scenes of violence and blood on the TV, or by threats of violent discipline from adults who sometimes talk without using their brains (which includes me, unfortunately), he will get into a huge tantrum. It is not his fault. He has a very kind and generous heart and he is frightened. I've always thought that our world needs people like Kieran. He seldom thinks of himself first. He is always thinking of others. I am not afraid that he might stand on the losing end of deals. He is a smart person. He makes choices. He chooses me. When he is older, his understanding of the world will be re-calibrated. I am now that most important person to him. I protect him, love him, take care of him, I am his source of food, clothes, warmth and shelter, and also his source of joy, anger and sadness. But as he gain independence from me, this important role will shift from me to himself. He will learn that the respect, the awe and the reliance he had for me, will be shifted to himself. In other words, how I treat him now, will become how he treat himself in the future. How I talk to him now, will become his inner voice in the future. It is important I play this role well now, so that I set a positive note for him for the rest of his life.

This applies for all children, but for Kieran, because of his high sensitivity, we have to be even more careful. He is sharper especially on the emotional and the subconscious aspect.

Caitlin, on the other hand, is a person who knows what she wants. She goes for what she wants and she does not give in. Because, why should she? Kieran gets frustrated with her monopolising ways sometimes. He will come to me and complain that she grabs the toy and does not share. He is very willing to share, as long as they each get equal chances to play. With explanations and coaxing, she will still find it hard to let go of her new desire for a short while to share with others. It is not her fault because after all, she's only three years old. I find that at times, I have to help him snatch the toy over for fair play. I do not want them to think that the person who has a more passive disposition will always have to give in and the person who has a more aggressive disposition will always have the larger share. Kieran complained to me that my mom, who cares for them in the day while I work, made him keep the toys although it was his sister who tumbled them all over the floor, just because he is older and more willing to do the task than Caitlin, who is really stubborn. You can ask her to do something a hundred times and threaten her with all sorts of terrible punishment, but if she made up her mind not to do it, she won't, period. She'll scream at you and cry her lungs out rather than be forced to do something against her will.

Both of them have wonderful characters. Caitlin's character set her on the right foot for a world as callous as ours. She is tiny and fearful of many things. She would snuggle up to me if she needs protection and love and she'll jump and hide behind me if she's afraid. But I'm sure when she faces tough times in the future, she has that thing in her which will help her ride through it smoothly. It's like if a huge wave crashes in, she'll be the one emerging from the top and ride on the waves, looking all cool and steady like its really nothing. She's not like me at all, and I'm so glad she isn't. She could do so much more and in much better ways with the strength and willpower that she possesses. She's a mighty girl, at such a young age. Kieran is more like me. We are kind, we are gentle, we are afraid of and despises violence, and we sometimes do not feel like we belong in this world. 

I am in my mid thirties. It is hard to live life on my own terms at this age, when we, my husband and I, are responsible for so many things. We pay for the house, the car, the daily groceries, our parents' allowances, our children's needs, small luxuries in life like a family trip to the Zoo or a new rice cooker, and medical and insurance fees. I now find the ordinary everyday life is in itself, a gift. I used to believe we should all have dreams and ambitions and bucket lists. I did not have them anymore. It was a pleasant feeling to let go of them. I don't need these now because every breathe that I take is a gift. Every moment is a gift. I am not entitled to this life, to everything that I have now, my family, my husband, my lovely children, my parents, my home, my car, my job, my friends... and so on... I know of people who died young, who discovered they have a tumour and then, the next thing they know, they are planning for their surgeries, or worse, their palliative care, wills and funerals. I asked myself what if it was me? Why couldn't it be me? What if I step out and I was killed by a freak accident, even before I could say goodbye to everyone I love? So I told myself, that it won't matter, if I treasure each day, if I treat every moment as a gift, if in every moment of my heart, I am grateful and at peace.

Somewhere in another part of this world, another person, like me, who have family, children, parents and friends are suffering from war, famine and corruption. Their choices are much more limited and their lives are tougher and in much more danger. "What makes me privileged?" I sometimes ask myself. I can complain as much as I want, but not more than that person suffering in that part of the world.

Exciting field trip for Kieran

Today, Kieran's kindergarten arranged for the K2 children to go for an excursion to Little India. A few days prior to this, Kieran was very excited and told me that his teacher gave him some questions to ask the shopkeeper at the shops in Little India and there is going to be some activity. He asked me repeatedly when I said I'm going to the school to sign the consent form, whether I'll choose "yes" or "no". He's very concerned because he really wanted to go!

This morning, I gave him his breakfast, a cupcake to eat while he walked to school. He asked whether he can eat that after the trip because he was afraid that he might be late if he spent time eating breakfast. I assured him that we won't be late. He wore his water bottle strap, his small bag and Ninja turtle cap and looked very ready for the trip. When I said goodbye to him, he was smiling and he bounced happily up the stairs to his classroom.

When I walked away from the school and headed to work, I felt a sense of pride in my heart. Kieran has grown up. He was excited about a school trip, away from home and family, and together with his teacher and friends. He had not been so excited before. During the previous school excursions, he seemed to be more worried and anxious than excited.

I called home at 12.30pm today and Kieran told me very proudly and happily that he had a secret to tell me. His secret was that he finally was brave enough to use the school toilet. Last night, he told me he was concerned that he might pee in his pants during the trip because he's so excited. Today he made a wise choice to go to the toilet before he got on the bus! He told me he drank a packet of strawberry milk too. He had not wanted to touch school food before that. Recently, he has accepted some school provided snacks like butter sugar buns and cereal.

In the past, he refused to use school toilet and refused to eat school food... I could not put a foot down on why too. I guessed some children have their own weird habits and beliefs and my boy, being a HSC, may require longer time than usual to warm up to some activities.

Kieran in K2

This year, Kieran begin Kindergarten 2. We will be balloting for a space in Primary school this year. Kindergarten 2 is a preparatory stage for Primary One. I hope to prepare Kieran in the social aspects of Primary school. He has to know what is expected of him in Primary One – following rules, following timetable, buying drinks and food from the canteen, making friends, using the toilet by himself and raising his concerns to teachers. He has to learn to be brave and independent.

Academic is important but I think it isn’t the main issue in Primary One. I do not believe that giving children a “head start” by making them go through preparatory lessons to learn everything that they are supposed to learn in Primary One makes much of a difference in academic performance later on in their school life. In fact, that might make them bored in the beginning of Primary school and would erroneously give them an impression that they are gifted, only to feel disappointed when the rest of the students catch up with them by the later part of Primary school. I hope that Kieran can at least learn to read basic sentences and common words by the end of Kindergarten 2. I hope that he can learn and internalise all the good moral virtues we teach him as he develops social relationships with the people he meets in school.

The first question I ask Kieran when I call him is “Are you happy today at school?” and he asked me the same thing, “Is today a happy day, mummy?” Happiness, mental wellness and peace are more important than performances and achievements. I seldom ask him what he learnt in school. These are easily tested in word games that we play and when we read books together. If he knows the words and numbers, he must have learnt them in school. I asked him what he ate in school, whether he was brave enough to play with his friends, use the toilet, help the teacher, etc and which teacher taught him, which friends play with him, and whether he went outdoor to play. Basically, I want to know how his day went and what made him happy or sad or angry.

Self esteem and piano practice

Recently, a neighbour saw my children and commented that Kieran is very fair and good looking, and that Caitlin is darker.

Caitlin told my mother that, “No, I am fair. I look like mummy. I am pretty.”

I hope this meant that she has a healthy self-esteem and she was maintaining her view no matter what other people say. It also meant, as we all already know, that our darling girl is a very strong-willed child. She will have what she wants and she will not accept other inferior offers.

Girls are more sensitive to other people’s comments on appearances. I hug her everyday and tell her that she is pretty and cute, and she’s our darling princess. Some parents may frown at what we do, thinking these are indulgences that will spoil the child. I do not think so. Our children need to derive their self-esteem from somewhere and when they are at this age when what we do and say means the world to them, our words and actions affect their self-esteem greatly. I will tell her she is kind, she is generous, she is nice, she is pretty, she is like a princess, she is like a ballerina, she is like a baby, she is our darling and she will be who I say she is. If I were to tell her she is naughty, she is mischievous, she is hopeless, she is greedy, she is ugly, she is fat, she is cruel, she is unworthy, she will also be who I say she is. So I avoid those negative descriptions, especially “naughty” which sometimes come out of my mouth before I can stop myself.

Recently, when I practise piano with my son, he always displays an unwilling attitude which pisses me off very much. I was very stern with him and he cried badly yesterday. His lackadaisical attitude infuriated me and my stern attitude distressed him. He cried and protested which angered me more. He said he want “happy day”. He did not want the day to turn out to become “sad day” or “bad day”.  I realised he must not be behaving in that way in purpose. Perhaps he had not gotten into the mood of practice and he had not understood the expectations of practising.

I spent a long time explaining to Kieran what is expected of him during piano practice and he cannot be just putting on a show, negotiate for playing just once for treats, and quickly run away back to his toys after a short practice which he did not even put in any effort for. As I spoke to him, I thought of the primary five boy who committed suicide and his distraught mother beside his dead body shouting, “I only ask for 70 marks, I don't expect you to get 80 marks.” In the News article here, the State Coroner urged parents and educators to remind children that "their efforts in study may not always yield a commensurate result, and also that such failures are transient or temporary events". This taught me a very important lesson. We have to understand the expectations and stresses imposed by our expectations from the perspectives of our children. We may feel that the expectation was manageable but in the eyes of our children, our well-meaning expectations may be a struggle or a distress. For piano, a main part of the stress to meet expectations come from the teacher and the group lesson. When the teacher stressed the importance of practice and when the other students can play much better than ours, we start to feel that perhaps there are something else I or my child could have done. Is this unlike the Primary school stresses? Studies are important and practice is important, and children, like all children since time immemorial, will choose play over studies and practice.

I will start to introduce warm up time and cool down time before piano practice - gentle encouragement to get him to mentally warm up to the practice mood, and hugs to end the practice session. I think that will make the session lighter and happier. It is sad that time is a factor we are lacking in. As busy working parents, we find it so hard to fit in homework and practice to the small window of time we have after dinner and before bed time. I wish so much that I can better balance work and parenting responsibilities.

Recently, while working I like to listen to a singer Yao Bei Na’s theme songs on Zhen Huan Zhuan. I liked the drama which has its story based on ancient Chinese Emperor’s harem. Another thing I like about listening to this song is that they teach me not to take things too hard. The singer Yao Bei Na is dead at 33 years old after losing battle to metastasis breast cancer that has invaded other organs. She was once so beautiful, famous and wealthy. She could have everything she wanted that many others could only dream of. If life is destined to end, nothing can buy us more time. Many people argue that money can buy you the best doctor and best treatment, and likely prolong life and quality of life. These people have probably not looked death and terminal illness in the face before. I work in a Hospital and I know that if the cancer is aggressive, the only care is palliative and the suffering and pain makes no difference whether you are a millionaire or a pauper. The drama which she sang the theme songs for is also on a story about people who have once lived and long gone from this place. The Earth is a place where people come and go. These emperors, empress, concubines and servants who once wield much power are now only history. In this long passage of history, one would wonder the purpose of being, and the purpose of life. A spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle once said, “You are the universe, expressing itself as a human for a little while.” Indeed, the only wealth we are entitled to in this lifetime is time which is limited and precious, and is to be used wisely before we once again, return to the embrace of the Universe - or God.

Ballet for my Bebe

6 January 2017 is the day I see my little girl bounce happily into her ballet class, listen attentively to her teacher and follow her teacher’s movements. She did not wonder off and she did not cry. She bravely went through the class. The class was a mix of 8 three-to-four-year-old little girls and she was the only black swam among the pink tutus. She bounced longingly to me after the class and she was smiling shyly. How I wish I could accompany her for all ballet classes but too bad it fell on a working day so I have to rely on trusty grandparents to bring her for classes.

Caitlin has been nagging at us to send her for ballet lesson since last year. This year, we finally made the decision to start her on bebe ballet at Crestar.

This is her first school experience and I’m sure she’ll love it. She has been craving for school and same age friends ever since she saw her brother go to Kindergarten last year.