A few days ago, I wanted to teach Kieran something, and I told him to sit at his study desk. Caitlin was drawing at the desk, beside him and he wanted to draw something too, but I wanted to teach him number bonds. So I took out a book and pen and proceeded to teach. He made a frustrated sound and said he wanted to draw. So I looked frustrated as well and said, "Ok." while I walk away. He got afraid suddenly. He ran up to me and said, "I'll do number bonds! I'll do number bonds!" I told him, still sounding frustrated, that he should just go and do what he like. He said, "I like to do number bonds. Please, don't have a sad day!"
That surprised me. In the past, I knew he was willing to do something he did not want to do to make me happy. But now, he is willing to like something he did not like to do to make me happy. It was good that he care so much for me but I thought nobody in this world should force themselves to do, and worse like something they did not like to do to please other people. That's not right. That's not a right character to cultivate. I asked him, "Why did you say you like to do number bonds?" He said yes, he really like to do them. I asked him, "Is it really true you like to do them?" He said he wanted me to have "happy day". He said he will have a sad day if I have sad day too. It is true. He looks extremely distressed whenever I look sad. So we got into a negotiation. He said he wanted to do number bonds to make me happy. I said I wanted him to do drawing and colouring to make him happy. He said it is important that I am happy because if I am not happy he is not happy. I told him it is important that he is happy because if he is not happy I am not happy too. So we compromised. I told him that I would really love it if he drew me a lovely picture for me to paste on my office cubicle wall. We could learn number bonds after he drew me that picture. He happily set out to draw a picture. He put lots of effort into it. There's a cute story to every component he drew. I was digging for dinosaur bones in the picture. There was a purple house with a red roof, that looked a little slanted to the left. Papa was hiding behind a tree, playing hide and seek with him and his sister. Caitlin was small and holding his hand. He was standing beside me. It was all lovely. It was more precious than the rarest jewel on Earth.
I have never met anyone with a heart as kind as Kieran. Sometimes I wonder where he's from before he came into our arms as our lovely baby. Was he an angel? Was he someone even better than an angel? He seldom have a temper although when he is distressed by scenes of violence and blood on the TV, or by threats of violent discipline from adults who sometimes talk without using their brains (which includes me, unfortunately), he will get into a huge tantrum. It is not his fault. He has a very kind and generous heart and he is frightened. I've always thought that our world needs people like Kieran. He seldom thinks of himself first. He is always thinking of others. I am not afraid that he might stand on the losing end of deals. He is a smart person. He makes choices. He chooses me. When he is older, his understanding of the world will be re-calibrated. I am now that most important person to him. I protect him, love him, take care of him, I am his source of food, clothes, warmth and shelter, and also his source of joy, anger and sadness. But as he gain independence from me, this important role will shift from me to himself. He will learn that the respect, the awe and the reliance he had for me, will be shifted to himself. In other words, how I treat him now, will become how he treat himself in the future. How I talk to him now, will become his inner voice in the future. It is important I play this role well now, so that I set a positive note for him for the rest of his life.
This applies for all children, but for Kieran, because of his high sensitivity, we have to be even more careful. He is sharper especially on the emotional and the subconscious aspect.
Caitlin, on the other hand, is a person who knows what she wants. She goes for what she wants and she does not give in. Because, why should she? Kieran gets frustrated with her monopolising ways sometimes. He will come to me and complain that she grabs the toy and does not share. He is very willing to share, as long as they each get equal chances to play. With explanations and coaxing, she will still find it hard to let go of her new desire for a short while to share with others. It is not her fault because after all, she's only three years old. I find that at times, I have to help him snatch the toy over for fair play. I do not want them to think that the person who has a more passive disposition will always have to give in and the person who has a more aggressive disposition will always have the larger share. Kieran complained to me that my mom, who cares for them in the day while I work, made him keep the toys although it was his sister who tumbled them all over the floor, just because he is older and more willing to do the task than Caitlin, who is really stubborn. You can ask her to do something a hundred times and threaten her with all sorts of terrible punishment, but if she made up her mind not to do it, she won't, period. She'll scream at you and cry her lungs out rather than be forced to do something against her will.
Both of them have wonderful characters. Caitlin's character set her on the right foot for a world as callous as ours. She is tiny and fearful of many things. She would snuggle up to me if she needs protection and love and she'll jump and hide behind me if she's afraid. But I'm sure when she faces tough times in the future, she has that thing in her which will help her ride through it smoothly. It's like if a huge wave crashes in, she'll be the one emerging from the top and ride on the waves, looking all cool and steady like its really nothing. She's not like me at all, and I'm so glad she isn't. She could do so much more and in much better ways with the strength and willpower that she possesses. She's a mighty girl, at such a young age. Kieran is more like me. We are kind, we are gentle, we are afraid of and despises violence, and we sometimes do not feel like we belong in this world.
I am in my mid thirties. It is hard to live life on my own terms at this age, when we, my husband and I, are responsible for so many things. We pay for the house, the car, the daily groceries, our parents' allowances, our children's needs, small luxuries in life like a family trip to the Zoo or a new rice cooker, and medical and insurance fees. I now find the ordinary everyday life is in itself, a gift. I used to believe we should all have dreams and ambitions and bucket lists. I did not have them anymore. It was a pleasant feeling to let go of them. I don't need these now because every breathe that I take is a gift. Every moment is a gift. I am not entitled to this life, to everything that I have now, my family, my husband, my lovely children, my parents, my home, my car, my job, my friends... and so on... I know of people who died young, who discovered they have a tumour and then, the next thing they know, they are planning for their surgeries, or worse, their palliative care, wills and funerals. I asked myself what if it was me? Why couldn't it be me? What if I step out and I was killed by a freak accident, even before I could say goodbye to everyone I love? So I told myself, that it won't matter, if I treasure each day, if I treat every moment as a gift, if in every moment of my heart, I am grateful and at peace.
Somewhere in another part of this world, another person, like me, who have family, children, parents and friends are suffering from war, famine and corruption. Their choices are much more limited and their lives are tougher and in much more danger. "What makes me privileged?" I sometimes ask myself. I can complain as much as I want, but not more than that person suffering in that part of the world.
