Book Review: Blink Once by Cylin Busby

I like this young adult novel. Good read for a teenager. It is engaging enough, not long winded, and the characters are seventeen year olds, pretty close to heart for teenage readers. I finished this book within two days.

Warning: Spoiler ahead

I like how the author keeps readers in suspense on who Olivia is. At some points, I thought she might be a ghost inhabiting the Hospital, and at other times I thought she might turn out to be a psychopath whose love will turn into hatred and she might smother West to death before he has his operation. I also like how the author weaves in short snippets of events that give us a sense of each character’s personality – the mother who believed in West until the end, the father who stayed away but who willingly return for his child, the crazy best friend who cared for West more than he showed, the teenage girlfriend who reacted to West’s coma like most any teenager would, the dedicated Nurse and the psychologist who is eager to prove the theory that she knows. The people in this story are people- not evil (except the psychopath who assaulted Oliver), not angels but normal people like you and I. I like how that story made them out to be so. West’s subtle and life-changing thoughts that gradually forms over time are clearly and vividly portrayed. I think West will grow up to be a fine young man, and he will grow old as a wise grandfatherly person. He might even volunteer or give inspirational speeches.

Someone make this book into a movie, please.

I really enjoy going to the library. As a working mother of two who takes full responsibility of the children once they are off the hands of the day-carers – their grandparents, I have a hectic schedule and limited time for self-care. Pursuing personal interests seemed like a thing of the past for me. 2011 is a life changing year for me. Ever since my first little one appeared, nothing is the same anymore. So when I walk into the library and pick up these books to read, it’s a lovely experience. I love the Zen kind of peace and calm when I walk into the library. There are information and knowledge and creativity everywhere, and the choice is mine. These books are there, calling out for me to pick them up to read. The library is a transient getaway from the home filled with chaos and noise of children – yes, I am amazed how two children can fill the house with so much chaos and noise. Unlike a bookstore, the books are free, the information and the creativity are free, which spares up so much worries for a financially tight mother. In short, I love the library.

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket – It does matter, also, what baskets you have

I read in a parenting book for parents/caregivers of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) written by psychologist Prof Elaine Aron, that children's brain are wired in childhood, mostly before 3 years old. They will be wired to categorise their experiences into “events” or into “good and bad”. People who are depressed often categorise things into “good” basket or “bad” basket. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised. They put “basketball” into the “bad basket” and they think “I am lousy because I fail at basketball.” People who are not depressed categorise experiences into “Sports”, “Academic”, “Family”, “Friends”,etc. In each category, there is good and there is bad. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised, they put “Basketball” under sports and they think “I don’t do well at basketball, maybe it’s not for me, but I have ‘academic’ and ‘family’ and ‘friends’ which I am good at in several ways.”

Most of these “wiring” happens in childhood but that does not mean it cannot happen in adulthood. It’s just that in adulthood, it is harder to change. That is why children learn new things and adapt to new environment faster than adults. If adults want to “rewire”, they have to put in more effort and in some cases, if they too emotionally affected by the childhood experiences (due to trauma or depression) they have to receive therapy to help themselves “rewire”.

The psychologist said she often see adult patients and she worked with them to re-wire their brain which requires long, dedicated therapy and of course comes with a hefty bill. She said if we, as parents, built up our children’s self-esteem and “wire their brain right” in the beginning, it can save them a lot of heartache and troubles going for therapy to get their life back in shape.

If they are regularly criticised or given a global label, eg: "You are a naughty girl!" or "You are stupid." or "Why are you always so clumsy?", these labels will encourage them to categorise all that they meet and do into the “bad” and “good” category. They will think “I am all bad because I cannot do this.” That’s why we have to change the way we say from “You are a naughty girl” to “This is a very naughty behaviour.” In this way we target the behaviour, not the person, and we can further set a target to change the behaviour.

I use this for my children and I can see the change in my daughter. My daughter is more stubborn and cannot control her temper. She often hit her brother when she’s moody or angry, even when her brother did not provoke her. I often made the mistake of saying “Mei, you are so naughty!” Now I have changed it to “Mei, hitting is a naughty behaviour. If people do naughty things, they go to naughty corner.” After making sure she understands, I’ll always hug her and explain to her. Yesterday she scratched Kieran and made him cry. She cried because I made her stand in the naughty corner. Kieran was sad but he, as kind as usual, told me to hug mei mei bcoz she was crying. I asked Kieran whether his cheek was still painful. He said, “No.” I asked whether his heart hurts. He said, “Yes.” I explained to Caitlin that if u hit people, people’s heart will hurt, even long after the physical wound stops hurting. I told her if you hit Gor gor, Gor gor will cry, I will also cry because I love Gor gor. She is better at control now. She will lose control when she’s over tired which was what happened yesterday. Caitlin may not undertand now although I hope one day, she will. But I’m sure Kieran understood that I understand him and I hope he felt understood enough to forgive and continue to love his sister.

Magical Bonding

Children have the power to weave magic into our souls. They may be mischievous and require some disciplining at times but none of their acts are done with malicious intent. In fact even the naughtiest act are done with the purest of heart. I treasure every bonding opportunity I have with them.

On sunny Saturday, we went to give mooncakes to our relatives, visit my mother in law, and let the children enjoy playing sand and playground at park near her flat. We enjoyed our day thoroughly. My brother in law drove us home. Hubby showed brother in law his new curved computer monitor. I made a DIY lantern with Kieran. At night, I hugged both my little ones to sleep.

On Sunday, we went to watch Paw Patrol live at City Square Mall, ate ice cream waffle, drink Chamomile tea, bought Iron man shirt and pants for Kieran whose pee got onto his clothes when daddy brought him to pee (I’m going to be the one to bring him to the toilet, next time we go out), bought Frisbee and swimsuit and googles for the children at Decathlon, went home for recharge and dinner, then for lantern festival organized by RC (Residential Committee). Lanterns of all shapes and colours and music light up the way. Little Caitlin was frightened when we walked along the Waterway carrying lanterns. She said the water was black and the sky was black. I carried her and spoke to her as we walk. She needed me and my closeness reassured her. She threw a big tantrum when we stop by a café to rest. She was angry that the Milo was hot, angry that I drank her Milo and angry with basically everything. She was overtired. Daddy took her aside and spoke to her firmly. Kieran cried. He tried to cover daddy’s mouth when he was speaking firmly to Caitlin. I took him away and he cried, saying that he need to go and save his sister. So both stood and cried together. It was hilarious. Hubby and I laughed despite feeling hot and frustrated.

On the way home, Caitlin had fallen asleep and we tried to keep her asleep but she woke up as we wiped her down. She giggled and played with Kieran for a while before they finally become sleepy. Kieran said he was so tired, he felt giddy. He lay beside me in bed and talked to me tiredly. Caitlin has fallen asleep. I told him to go to sleep and he would feel better tomorrow morning. He turned around to hug his bolster. I kissed his cheek and said goodnight. He hugged me and fell asleep. That was an ordinarily magical night.

On cool and breezy Monday, which is a public holiday, we woke up late, and we went to visit the children’s grand aunt at her condominium. We went swimming with the new swim suit and googles that we bought. The children both love and fear the water. Caitlin accidentally fell into the water and I scooped her up almost immediately. I read up on silent drowning and dry drowning and I’m certainly not going to take chances. I am going to keep my eyes on both as much as I could. Their gleeful faces and surprise at the almost novel experience in the water were recorded as the most pleasant memory in my mind. The memory isn’t all pleasant for Caitlin who whispered to me at night that she does not want to go swimming. Right after we pulled them out of the water to go for lunch, she had happily announced that she want to come back swimming again. I told her, “That’s because you are sad now, so you remembered the sad things about swimming. You are sad because mummy scolded you for scratching gor gor, and this made you think about sad things like falling into the water and having water in your nose during the swim. Not all that happened are sad. I caught you quickly when you fell and I hugged you tight. Remember?” I saw her lips moved up slightly in a smile, and I imagined her remembering the fun and the hug. I kissed her goodnight.

She had scratched Kieran because he was talking beside her on the bed, and she was in a bad mood. I put her in the naughty corner and hugged poor Kieran. Kieran told me to go and hug Mei mei because she was crying. I asked him does it still hurt. He said no. I asked him whether his heart hurts. He said yes. I told Mei mei, “You should not hit people or scratch people even if you are very angry. You can can voice out that you are angry but you cannot hit. When the pain goes away, the heart will still hurt. The hurt in the heart don’t go away quickly.” Kieran understood that I understand and he felt much better. I don’t know whether Mei Mei understood but I hope one day she will, and she will learn to control her temper.

We do not deal violence with violence. We don’t act on impulses. Because we are adults, we are the role models. We manage violence with love and compassion. Children’s brains are constantly learning and wiring and re-wiring to learn the ropes of the world. They have to learn through us that kind words and actions are what heals, not enforcement, punishment and violence.

I hugged both children to sleep. Mei mei was woken up by frightening nightmares a few times. I held her in my arms and she fell asleep, reassured. The nights with my beloved children are the most treasured and important. Daddy and I stressed to complete our pre-bedtime routine – the oatmilk, the brushing of teeth, changing of PJs, the 5 min allowance to play, the pee and poo, etc. Then bedtime is the magical moment. We read stories, we conjured our own stories, we chatted, we sang, we whispered secrets to each other.

I see from their eyes that they need me, they want me, they are with me, and those are enough reasons to go on.