Don’t put all your eggs into one basket – It does matter, also, what baskets you have

I read in a parenting book for parents/caregivers of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) written by psychologist Prof Elaine Aron, that children's brain are wired in childhood, mostly before 3 years old. They will be wired to categorise their experiences into “events” or into “good and bad”. People who are depressed often categorise things into “good” basket or “bad” basket. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised. They put “basketball” into the “bad basket” and they think “I am lousy because I fail at basketball.” People who are not depressed categorise experiences into “Sports”, “Academic”, “Family”, “Friends”,etc. In each category, there is good and there is bad. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised, they put “Basketball” under sports and they think “I don’t do well at basketball, maybe it’s not for me, but I have ‘academic’ and ‘family’ and ‘friends’ which I am good at in several ways.”

Most of these “wiring” happens in childhood but that does not mean it cannot happen in adulthood. It’s just that in adulthood, it is harder to change. That is why children learn new things and adapt to new environment faster than adults. If adults want to “rewire”, they have to put in more effort and in some cases, if they too emotionally affected by the childhood experiences (due to trauma or depression) they have to receive therapy to help themselves “rewire”.

The psychologist said she often see adult patients and she worked with them to re-wire their brain which requires long, dedicated therapy and of course comes with a hefty bill. She said if we, as parents, built up our children’s self-esteem and “wire their brain right” in the beginning, it can save them a lot of heartache and troubles going for therapy to get their life back in shape.

If they are regularly criticised or given a global label, eg: "You are a naughty girl!" or "You are stupid." or "Why are you always so clumsy?", these labels will encourage them to categorise all that they meet and do into the “bad” and “good” category. They will think “I am all bad because I cannot do this.” That’s why we have to change the way we say from “You are a naughty girl” to “This is a very naughty behaviour.” In this way we target the behaviour, not the person, and we can further set a target to change the behaviour.

I use this for my children and I can see the change in my daughter. My daughter is more stubborn and cannot control her temper. She often hit her brother when she’s moody or angry, even when her brother did not provoke her. I often made the mistake of saying “Mei, you are so naughty!” Now I have changed it to “Mei, hitting is a naughty behaviour. If people do naughty things, they go to naughty corner.” After making sure she understands, I’ll always hug her and explain to her. Yesterday she scratched Kieran and made him cry. She cried because I made her stand in the naughty corner. Kieran was sad but he, as kind as usual, told me to hug mei mei bcoz she was crying. I asked Kieran whether his cheek was still painful. He said, “No.” I asked whether his heart hurts. He said, “Yes.” I explained to Caitlin that if u hit people, people’s heart will hurt, even long after the physical wound stops hurting. I told her if you hit Gor gor, Gor gor will cry, I will also cry because I love Gor gor. She is better at control now. She will lose control when she’s over tired which was what happened yesterday. Caitlin may not undertand now although I hope one day, she will. But I’m sure Kieran understood that I understand him and I hope he felt understood enough to forgive and continue to love his sister.

Sorry, I neglected you

I felt guilty today.

These few days, hubby and I were very caught up in Kieran's issues. Whenever we do activity, like the "Bucket activity" and colouring and writing, I will focus on teaching and explaining to Kieran, while I just let Caitlin do some activity on her own without guidance. When she started to disturb Kieran, I asked hubby to take her away, regardless of her protest and her cries. She must have felt so unfair. She must want so much for me to show attention on her.

Kieran's high sensitivity means that we need to spend a lot of time to patiently guide him and clarify his queries. When Caitlin is around and also needing our attention, we don't seem to notice her. Kieran is like the centre of the attention while Caitlin is at the peripheral of our vision, we noticed her but we don't take much notice of her. I love her very much and I wished I could give her more of me.

More of me is what Caitlin wanted very much. She will do naughty things and make a fuss so that I would hold her and hug her. She wants to be loved by me. But even as I hold her, I wasn't focusing on her, I would be talking to Kieran and making sure he felt ok, and not overwhelmed, etc. It seemed that I was holding her to pacify her, so that she wouldn't fuss, but even as I was physically with her, I wasn't totally with her.

Caitlin has two types of cries- one is the angry cry and the other is sad cry. Today before bed time, she cried really sadly. It was heartbreaking. It was after I saw her crying that I realised that she cried because she was hurt, and she was hurt because she was being neglected. She hugged me tightly at bed time and pushed Kieran away. She said "I don't want Kieran!" Kieran asked me, "Why did mei mei say that she don't want me?" I know why. It is because our parental attention to both children were too unfair. I hugged Caitlin and kissed her and promised her that I will show more attention and love to her. She fell asleep soon. But I felt so guilty that she had to fall asleep feeling so lousy.