The extremes of emotions - Kieran

Kieran discovered that he can build a structure with lego that was as tall as he was. He was so proud, excited and overjoyed. He jumped around laughing! I could see twinkles in his eyes. He posted happily with his creation in this photo.

We brought the children to Changi Airport to see the Pokemon display. Earlier today, he told me in the morning that he dreamt of Pokemon show, and Ash and Pikachu were talking in Chinese instead of English which was the usual language he watched on tv. I showed him a Chinese version of Pokemon show on youtube and he was overjoyed. He drew these Pikachus while we were at the Airport. He has a wonderful memory. He was not looking at any Pikachu while he was drawing this. He simply drew by memory. I always thought he's more of a math and science kind of child. Now I feel slightly comforted that my artistic genes have been inherited by him as well.

Words cannot describe how much I love Kieran. Words cannot describe how much Kieran love us, and everything he love, and everything he knows and the entire World. For a HSC, they feel emotions  on the extreme. When they are happy, they are not simply happy but overjoyed, filled to the brim with pure joy. When they are sad, they feel despondent, depressed, utterly destroyed. That is why as parents, we must be careful how we might allow HSC to anticipate expectations from us.

I thought how amazing it is to see Kieran experiencing and expressing these extremes of emotions and feelings.

We had a very bad staycation experience where my hubby got sick and had to return home. That night at the hotel, Kieran sobbed silently. He told me he missed daddy badly. He's a sensible child and he don't fuss and fret but cry quietly.

When I felt angry with Kieran, I just had to think back to that night when he felt so sad and yet so much love for us. My anger will dissipate. He is a constant reminder to me that we must be kind to everyone. If there is someone as gentle and innocent and pure and lovable like Kieran in this world where we live in, human beings must not be too bad. If there is one Kieran, there must be many more.

Merry Christmas to the world. I feel the agony of those who live in despair and who suffers in war torn areas. Acutely aware of the sufferings, I cannot indulge in my joys. I pray and hope that those families will enjoy peace and love as I have, even for a short moment. I cannot imagine the agony a mother must feel if she was separated by her beloved child by death or otherwise. If Kieran was lost to me, the anguish I feel will be so intense that it will take my life away. But let God soothe your souls, mothers whose children were lost. There is no peace in asking Why. But do not let the pain numb your natural instincts to feel love and joy. The ache will never cease although it may grow to become a tiny ache at the depth of your heart, instead of a tormenting one that eats you away day and night. But that does not mean your love is forgotten. Your love will grow to encompass even more. I hope God's light brighten the path of every mothers for our journey is tough but our journey is worthwhile.

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket – It does matter, also, what baskets you have

I read in a parenting book for parents/caregivers of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) written by psychologist Prof Elaine Aron, that children's brain are wired in childhood, mostly before 3 years old. They will be wired to categorise their experiences into “events” or into “good and bad”. People who are depressed often categorise things into “good” basket or “bad” basket. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised. They put “basketball” into the “bad basket” and they think “I am lousy because I fail at basketball.” People who are not depressed categorise experiences into “Sports”, “Academic”, “Family”, “Friends”,etc. In each category, there is good and there is bad. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised, they put “Basketball” under sports and they think “I don’t do well at basketball, maybe it’s not for me, but I have ‘academic’ and ‘family’ and ‘friends’ which I am good at in several ways.”

Most of these “wiring” happens in childhood but that does not mean it cannot happen in adulthood. It’s just that in adulthood, it is harder to change. That is why children learn new things and adapt to new environment faster than adults. If adults want to “rewire”, they have to put in more effort and in some cases, if they too emotionally affected by the childhood experiences (due to trauma or depression) they have to receive therapy to help themselves “rewire”.

The psychologist said she often see adult patients and she worked with them to re-wire their brain which requires long, dedicated therapy and of course comes with a hefty bill. She said if we, as parents, built up our children’s self-esteem and “wire their brain right” in the beginning, it can save them a lot of heartache and troubles going for therapy to get their life back in shape.

If they are regularly criticised or given a global label, eg: "You are a naughty girl!" or "You are stupid." or "Why are you always so clumsy?", these labels will encourage them to categorise all that they meet and do into the “bad” and “good” category. They will think “I am all bad because I cannot do this.” That’s why we have to change the way we say from “You are a naughty girl” to “This is a very naughty behaviour.” In this way we target the behaviour, not the person, and we can further set a target to change the behaviour.

I use this for my children and I can see the change in my daughter. My daughter is more stubborn and cannot control her temper. She often hit her brother when she’s moody or angry, even when her brother did not provoke her. I often made the mistake of saying “Mei, you are so naughty!” Now I have changed it to “Mei, hitting is a naughty behaviour. If people do naughty things, they go to naughty corner.” After making sure she understands, I’ll always hug her and explain to her. Yesterday she scratched Kieran and made him cry. She cried because I made her stand in the naughty corner. Kieran was sad but he, as kind as usual, told me to hug mei mei bcoz she was crying. I asked Kieran whether his cheek was still painful. He said, “No.” I asked whether his heart hurts. He said, “Yes.” I explained to Caitlin that if u hit people, people’s heart will hurt, even long after the physical wound stops hurting. I told her if you hit Gor gor, Gor gor will cry, I will also cry because I love Gor gor. She is better at control now. She will lose control when she’s over tired which was what happened yesterday. Caitlin may not undertand now although I hope one day, she will. But I’m sure Kieran understood that I understand him and I hope he felt understood enough to forgive and continue to love his sister.

Our Highly Sensitive Child

My hubby and I have always known that Kieran isn’t a textbook baby. He was a high demand baby and it took a lot of time to get him to wind down and get ready for bed. Being first time parents, we are not entirely sure what we do is right or wrong. We just go with what we believe is best for our precious baby. My first maternal instinct is to go for attachment parenting. I realized I was practicing attachment parenting way before I knew there was a term for it. It goes so well with our breastfeeding-on-demand and co-sleeping routine. I was chided many times by well-meaning elders because of Kieran’s clinginess to me. Their comments had me questioning whether my parenting style created my child’s behavior or whether his behavior created my parenting style? I came across a lovely story that says every child was once an angel in Heaven, and before they came, they chose their mummies (and daddies too), because they love this mummy and only this woman will be the most perfect mother for them. I believe Kieran chose me for a reason. He knows I will be the most suitable mother, adapting the most suitable parenting style that agree with his needs to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually in a chaotic and confusing world like ours. So I stopped doubting and I went on with what goes best for Kieran and me even though our parenting style veered totally off the pragmatic and traditional Asian parenting style.

1. When Kieran began school at the age of four, he was more than ready to experience a world without mummy and daddy constantly by his side. His character became more defined, and we started to realise that he reacts to situation differently from other children. We have a daughter, two years younger than Kieran so it is natural that we compare their developmental milestones. 
2. When we bring him to the playground, Kieran will stand at the side to watch and consider before he climbs up the safest structure. When he reacted this way as a two year old, I thought when he’s older and physically stronger, he will change. But he didn’t as a four year old. My daughter squeals with delight when she sees a playground and immediately rushes up the ladder or slide, never mind whether it’s safe or not. 
3. Kieran gets overwhelmed easily in crowded places and he starts to throw tantrums when something does not go his way. His tantrums are intense and shows that he is really experiencing a lot of pain inside. My daughter is less easily overwhelmed although she’s clingy to me too. Her tantrums are shorter and more related to unhappiness with unmet demands than to internal struggles.

Looking back, the differences in my two children are obvious since their birth. Kieran’s speech developed way earlier than his peers. He started talking when he was 10 months old. I remembered clearly that his first word was “bus”. He couldn’t pronounce that “s” sound so it sounded something like “ba” but he was vehemently gesturing towards the buses that zoomed past to make sure that we know he was referring to them. His speech developed in leaps and bounds, and by the time he’s 17 months old, we could have a proper albeit simple conversation with him. However, we were worried about his physical development because even though he finger grasp was good, and he could walk with support, he didn’t take his first independent steps until he was 17 months old and even then, his steps were shaky and he was prone to falls. My daughter, on the other hand, was our perfect textbook baby. She slept when it’s time to sleep, eat when it’s time to eat, talk when it’s time to talk, and walk when it’s time to walk. I thank God for her! She is lovely, lively, feisty, and caring.

Every time we bring our children out, and we observe how our two children play and interact with their surroundings, it became clearer that Caitlin is behaving like how we believe normal children should behave. Kieran, on the other hand, makes us scratch our head and sometimes cry in despair, trying to unravel what’s eating him. By the time Kieran was four years old, my husband and I looked at each other and said, “Kieran is not like other children. Something isn’t right but it isn’t very wrong either.”

He’s happy, healthy, developing well, he’s even very smart. He’s very observant and talks like an adult. Then I came across this article on The Highly Sensitive Child and a checklist on Highly Sensitive Child (HSC). I could tick almost everything on the list. I started to read up more about the HSC. I read Dr Elaine Aron’s articles and Ted Zed’s book on parenting a Highly Sensitive Boy, and joined a parents’ support group online and read about how other people are dealing with their HSC. I shared this new knowledge with my husband and my parents and in laws. Everyone was surprised because the description of a HSC fits our darling Kieran to a Tee! Suddenly, every falls into place. I researched online for ways to creatively help a HSC cope in life. Quoting Dr Elaine Aron, “A highly sensitive child is one of the fifteen to twenty percent of children born with a nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react to everything. This makes them quick to grasp subtle changes, prefer to reflect deeply before acting, and generally behave conscientiously. They are also easily overwhelmed by high levels of stimulation, sudden changes, and the emotional distress of others.” I’m grateful to Dr Aron’s work. Being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) herself, and having done extensive research on HSP, she understands and feels deeply how it is like to be highly sensitive.

Ted Zed said in his book that HSB’s compassionate and sensitive nature should be nurtured because they may become part of the next generation of men to take the helm of our world’s leadership, and they have a rippling effect on the decision-making process of traditional non-sensitive leaders who are responsible for implementations with dire effects on the environment and humanity, for instance destroying large areas of primary forest for urban development, raging wars, and using hard-handed measures during conflicts. However, when I look at my son timidly considering before participating in a group activity yesterday, I couldn’t help but wonder how a shy, sensitive, easily hurt and affected boy can raise up against those stronger, louder, scarier people in larger numbers. Highly sensitive people are, after all, statistically few in our population. That is why I will continue to gently encourage, support and groom my boy, so that he gradually but surely gains confidence to face his own fears, and in future, when we as parents, cannot be physically guiding him anymore, he will fall back on these positive experiences to face, counter, and overcome his fears, and will emerge, amidst adversities, as a better, stronger, more enlightened soul.