I felt guilty today.
These few days, hubby and I were very caught up in Kieran's issues. Whenever we do activity, like the "Bucket activity" and colouring and writing, I will focus on teaching and explaining to Kieran, while I just let Caitlin do some activity on her own without guidance. When she started to disturb Kieran, I asked hubby to take her away, regardless of her protest and her cries. She must have felt so unfair. She must want so much for me to show attention on her.
Kieran's high sensitivity means that we need to spend a lot of time to patiently guide him and clarify his queries. When Caitlin is around and also needing our attention, we don't seem to notice her. Kieran is like the centre of the attention while Caitlin is at the peripheral of our vision, we noticed her but we don't take much notice of her. I love her very much and I wished I could give her more of me.
More of me is what Caitlin wanted very much. She will do naughty things and make a fuss so that I would hold her and hug her. She wants to be loved by me. But even as I hold her, I wasn't focusing on her, I would be talking to Kieran and making sure he felt ok, and not overwhelmed, etc. It seemed that I was holding her to pacify her, so that she wouldn't fuss, but even as I was physically with her, I wasn't totally with her.
Caitlin has two types of cries- one is the angry cry and the other is sad cry. Today before bed time, she cried really sadly. It was heartbreaking. It was after I saw her crying that I realised that she cried because she was hurt, and she was hurt because she was being neglected. She hugged me tightly at bed time and pushed Kieran away. She said "I don't want Kieran!" Kieran asked me, "Why did mei mei say that she don't want me?" I know why. It is because our parental attention to both children were too unfair. I hugged Caitlin and kissed her and promised her that I will show more attention and love to her. She fell asleep soon. But I felt so guilty that she had to fall asleep feeling so lousy.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Friday, March 11, 2016
Our Highly Sensitive Child
My hubby and I have always known that Kieran isn’t a textbook baby. He was a high demand baby and it took a lot of time to get him to wind down and get ready for bed. Being first time parents, we are not entirely sure what we do is right or wrong. We just go with what we believe is best for our precious baby. My first maternal instinct is to go for attachment parenting. I realized I was practicing attachment parenting way before I knew there was a term for it. It goes so well with our breastfeeding-on-demand and co-sleeping routine. I was chided many times by well-meaning elders because of Kieran’s clinginess to me. Their comments had me questioning whether my parenting style created my child’s behavior or whether his behavior created my parenting style? I came across a lovely story that says every child was once an angel in Heaven, and before they came, they chose their mummies (and daddies too), because they love this mummy and only this woman will be the most perfect mother for them. I believe Kieran chose me for a reason. He knows I will be the most suitable mother, adapting the most suitable parenting style that agree with his needs to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually in a chaotic and confusing world like ours. So I stopped doubting and I went on with what goes best for Kieran and me even though our parenting style veered totally off the pragmatic and traditional Asian parenting style.
Looking back, the differences in my two children are obvious since their birth. Kieran’s speech developed way earlier than his peers. He started talking when he was 10 months old. I remembered clearly that his first word was “bus”. He couldn’t pronounce that “s” sound so it sounded something like “ba” but he was vehemently gesturing towards the buses that zoomed past to make sure that we know he was referring to them. His speech developed in leaps and bounds, and by the time he’s 17 months old, we could have a proper albeit simple conversation with him. However, we were worried about his physical development because even though he finger grasp was good, and he could walk with support, he didn’t take his first independent steps until he was 17 months old and even then, his steps were shaky and he was prone to falls. My daughter, on the other hand, was our perfect textbook baby. She slept when it’s time to sleep, eat when it’s time to eat, talk when it’s time to talk, and walk when it’s time to walk. I thank God for her! She is lovely, lively, feisty, and caring.
Every time we bring our children out, and we observe how our two children play and interact with their surroundings, it became clearer that Caitlin is behaving like how we believe normal children should behave. Kieran, on the other hand, makes us scratch our head and sometimes cry in despair, trying to unravel what’s eating him. By the time Kieran was four years old, my husband and I looked at each other and said, “Kieran is not like other children. Something isn’t right but it isn’t very wrong either.”
He’s happy, healthy, developing well, he’s even very smart. He’s very observant and talks like an adult. Then I came across this article on The Highly Sensitive Child and a checklist on Highly Sensitive Child (HSC). I could tick almost everything on the list. I started to read up more about the HSC. I read Dr Elaine Aron’s articles and Ted Zed’s book on parenting a Highly Sensitive Boy, and joined a parents’ support group online and read about how other people are dealing with their HSC. I shared this new knowledge with my husband and my parents and in laws. Everyone was surprised because the description of a HSC fits our darling Kieran to a Tee! Suddenly, every falls into place. I researched online for ways to creatively help a HSC cope in life. Quoting Dr Elaine Aron, “A highly sensitive child is one of the fifteen to twenty percent of children born with a nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react to everything. This makes them quick to grasp subtle changes, prefer to reflect deeply before acting, and generally behave conscientiously. They are also easily overwhelmed by high levels of stimulation, sudden changes, and the emotional distress of others.” I’m grateful to Dr Aron’s work. Being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) herself, and having done extensive research on HSP, she understands and feels deeply how it is like to be highly sensitive.
Ted Zed said in his book that HSB’s compassionate and sensitive nature should be nurtured because they may become part of the next generation of men to take the helm of our world’s leadership, and they have a rippling effect on the decision-making process of traditional non-sensitive leaders who are responsible for implementations with dire effects on the environment and humanity, for instance destroying large areas of primary forest for urban development, raging wars, and using hard-handed measures during conflicts. However, when I look at my son timidly considering before participating in a group activity yesterday, I couldn’t help but wonder how a shy, sensitive, easily hurt and affected boy can raise up against those stronger, louder, scarier people in larger numbers. Highly sensitive people are, after all, statistically few in our population. That is why I will continue to gently encourage, support and groom my boy, so that he gradually but surely gains confidence to face his own fears, and in future, when we as parents, cannot be physically guiding him anymore, he will fall back on these positive experiences to face, counter, and overcome his fears, and will emerge, amidst adversities, as a better, stronger, more enlightened soul.
- When Kieran began school at the age of four, he was more than ready to experience a world without mummy and daddy constantly by his side. His character became more defined, and we started to realise that he reacts to situation differently from other children. We have a daughter, two years younger than Kieran so it is natural that we compare their developmental milestones.
- When we bring him to the playground, Kieran will stand at the side to watch and consider before he climbs up the safest structure. When he reacted this way as a two year old, I thought when he’s older and physically stronger, he will change. But he didn’t as a four year old. My daughter squeals with delight when she sees a playground and immediately rushes up the ladder or slide, never mind whether it’s safe or not.
- Kieran gets overwhelmed easily in crowded places and he starts to throw tantrums when something does not go his way. His tantrums are intense and shows that he is really experiencing a lot of pain inside. My daughter is less easily overwhelmed although she’s clingy to me too. Her tantrums are shorter and more related to unhappiness with unmet demands than to internal struggles.
Looking back, the differences in my two children are obvious since their birth. Kieran’s speech developed way earlier than his peers. He started talking when he was 10 months old. I remembered clearly that his first word was “bus”. He couldn’t pronounce that “s” sound so it sounded something like “ba” but he was vehemently gesturing towards the buses that zoomed past to make sure that we know he was referring to them. His speech developed in leaps and bounds, and by the time he’s 17 months old, we could have a proper albeit simple conversation with him. However, we were worried about his physical development because even though he finger grasp was good, and he could walk with support, he didn’t take his first independent steps until he was 17 months old and even then, his steps were shaky and he was prone to falls. My daughter, on the other hand, was our perfect textbook baby. She slept when it’s time to sleep, eat when it’s time to eat, talk when it’s time to talk, and walk when it’s time to walk. I thank God for her! She is lovely, lively, feisty, and caring.
Every time we bring our children out, and we observe how our two children play and interact with their surroundings, it became clearer that Caitlin is behaving like how we believe normal children should behave. Kieran, on the other hand, makes us scratch our head and sometimes cry in despair, trying to unravel what’s eating him. By the time Kieran was four years old, my husband and I looked at each other and said, “Kieran is not like other children. Something isn’t right but it isn’t very wrong either.”
He’s happy, healthy, developing well, he’s even very smart. He’s very observant and talks like an adult. Then I came across this article on The Highly Sensitive Child and a checklist on Highly Sensitive Child (HSC). I could tick almost everything on the list. I started to read up more about the HSC. I read Dr Elaine Aron’s articles and Ted Zed’s book on parenting a Highly Sensitive Boy, and joined a parents’ support group online and read about how other people are dealing with their HSC. I shared this new knowledge with my husband and my parents and in laws. Everyone was surprised because the description of a HSC fits our darling Kieran to a Tee! Suddenly, every falls into place. I researched online for ways to creatively help a HSC cope in life. Quoting Dr Elaine Aron, “A highly sensitive child is one of the fifteen to twenty percent of children born with a nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react to everything. This makes them quick to grasp subtle changes, prefer to reflect deeply before acting, and generally behave conscientiously. They are also easily overwhelmed by high levels of stimulation, sudden changes, and the emotional distress of others.” I’m grateful to Dr Aron’s work. Being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) herself, and having done extensive research on HSP, she understands and feels deeply how it is like to be highly sensitive.
Ted Zed said in his book that HSB’s compassionate and sensitive nature should be nurtured because they may become part of the next generation of men to take the helm of our world’s leadership, and they have a rippling effect on the decision-making process of traditional non-sensitive leaders who are responsible for implementations with dire effects on the environment and humanity, for instance destroying large areas of primary forest for urban development, raging wars, and using hard-handed measures during conflicts. However, when I look at my son timidly considering before participating in a group activity yesterday, I couldn’t help but wonder how a shy, sensitive, easily hurt and affected boy can raise up against those stronger, louder, scarier people in larger numbers. Highly sensitive people are, after all, statistically few in our population. That is why I will continue to gently encourage, support and groom my boy, so that he gradually but surely gains confidence to face his own fears, and in future, when we as parents, cannot be physically guiding him anymore, he will fall back on these positive experiences to face, counter, and overcome his fears, and will emerge, amidst adversities, as a better, stronger, more enlightened soul.
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