past and future

I had been thinking a lot about the future, and consequently, I began to think a lot about the past too. I thought about how hubby & I had come together, why we met, how we met, when we liked each other, why we like each other. When I see him today, I still feel a strange sense of I-cannot-describe feeling that one can only call "love". Its weird because we've been together for so long. People said when we have been married to our spouses for very long, the heart beating fast kind of feeling will fade and the relationship will develop from romantic to more of responsibility and commitment. For me, I can't tell the difference. There's as much romance in this as responsibility and commitment. Perhaps another 10 years down the road, we'll both feel differently about each other but that's in the future... and nobody can tell how the future will be like.

We met when I was in Year 2 in University so that was 10 years ago. I was about 19...

2002 - met
2004 - I graduated
2005 - Hubby graduated
2008 - Registered for marriage
2010 - Held traditional marriage
2011 - First child is born
2013 - Second child is coming

Well, it seems like a really long time. And when I look back at our photos, I'm amazed that we actually had looked like this before:

Perhaps God had predestined this to happen the way it happened. Thank God for although I did not exactly get what I wished for in life, life has given me a lot of things that I hadn't wished for, that I didn't believe would happen to me.

... like being married to this wonderful person, like having a son, like hearing my son say "peekaboo" to me and he's only 15 months, like being a mother and learning that I can actually really be a mother, like being a stay home mom, etc etc

Life has lots of lessons install for me, and none of these are truly what I had wished for but it happened anyway, and I was half glad and half sad that they did happen.

Hubby said I am a rubber band that had been stretched for too long, and if I carried on, I will snap. I must learn to let go. If you are letting go of something physical, it is pretty easy. If you are letting go of anger, hatred or love, it is also comparatively easy. If you are letting go of values you hold dear for most part of your life, that is something... and that is what I am learning to let go.

No confinement

Firstly, for this second birth, I will not do confinement.
Secondly, I will have my mom stay over to take care of baby and when I found a full time job, she'll either stay on to take care or bring baby or bring baby to her home n hubby n I will visit baby every evening n bring her home on weekends.

I'm at my wit's end.
I do not believe I can look after my toddler and a newborn myself effectively, even if u give me a maid.

If my mom can't manage, we'll probably have to find a nanny. And I hope we can find a trustworthy one. Or infant care. But there r no nearby infant cares n I prefer a good nanny to an infant care. Coz as I heard from a friend who worked there, they r encouraged not to hold baby often even when baby cry. It's mostly change diapers n bathing n feeding, and they r only to give attention at scheduled times. Most of them r pressured to feed baby more than they need as parents will question why baby did not finish their precious EBM. But then babies don't work this way. They feed when they like n they will refuse when they r done. She told me she witnessed some babies being forced so much that they have phobia of milk. And when baby r fussy, the more bad tempered care givers will beat them. Not to be discriminating but I was told these r usually China people. It's easy to understand. They are cheap foreign workers, they have to work long hours n they probably chose this line because they have no other choices. Not all of them r like that. There may be some gd ones but there r enough cases of black horses to warrant caution against them. Sigh. This whole infant care concept sounds pretty much like a farm to me :S but sigh... If I've no choice then I'll have to send her to an infant care.

How to cope with life like that? I'm already dreading the impeding doom. But yet I'm looking forward to seeing my daughter and hoping with ALL my might that this time, she will finally have my husband's eyes! Please have papa's eyes and papa's nose. It's ok if you have papa's curly hair too as little girls look cute with them, like angels. But if prefer mummy's straight black hair, that's fine too. Make sure you have more hair than your gor gor, otherwise I can't tie it n plait it nicely. And be more guai too, don't bully ah mah as ah mah will be taking care of you. And you be nice to mummy and come in natural birth ok? And don't take too long to arrive n made us worried ok? Try to come on 9 Aug. it'll be pretty cool to have a SG National Day baby. And who knows? We might appear on the Mount Alvernia hospital magazine! Isn't this cool? U r our pretty angel, babe :)

Seen baby for the first time

Dear baby, today, daddy and mummy see you for the first time. You are lying so snug and comfortable in mummy's womb. You look like you are sleeping, cuddling, quietly listening and growing. Daddy says he feels you are a girl. The moment I have you in me, I feel a gentle spirit, and I believe you must be a girl, or otherwise, a very mild tempered boy. The moment I see you, I do not feel so apprehensive about the pregnancy anymore. Thank you for giving me signs to tell me of your existence before I contracted stomach flu and had to be hospitalized  Otherwise, the doctors might have unknowingly injected medications that are harmful to you. You look so precious and so innocent, lying there quietly in my tummy that its hard to believe, in eight month's time, you'll be out screaming and crying and turning our lives upside down, just like what your mischievous brother did! Nevertheless, daddy and mummy will still love you and take care of you. And this time, granny said she'll take care of you when mummy goes to work, so you are very blessed. Your brother will be the poor thing who will be going to childcare when he's 18 months old, but he doesn't know it yet. Keep it a secret between you and me ok?

The Mount Alvernia hospital is a really caring place. Although I do not exactly like the A&E doctor who attended to me coz he never wait for me to complete my sentence and he didn't solve my problems. I had to go back to the hospital when the medicine did not make me feel better. I felt so terrible that I wished I could just die. And hubby too! I was obviously suffering and he didn't admit me during the first time I was there. If he had, my sufferings would be shortened by a good few hours and we need not pay that few hundred extra midnight charges. And he still ask me to take care of baby! I already felt like dying. If I could take care of baby, I'm not human. The Sister who did pastoral care came to talk to me during my stay and she's really warm and nice. The nurses are nice too and the whole place gave me a very warm feeling. It helps that the temporary chapel is nearby. I'm thankful that hubby stayed with me during my stay and my parents and in laws helped to take care of baby Kieran. But it sucks that we had to go through the New Year 2013 in a hospital. Once on drip, I finally felt relieved and I can sleep. The pain in my lower back was tremendously unbearable. Once that pain went away, I can sleep. I still vomit after drinking a tiny sip of water. I got better the next day but I heard that the virus had spread to almost everyone in my family who had contact with me. This was really strong strain of virus and we suspected it to be the Norovirus which claimed lives in Europe and the US and had caused hospitals and schools to be closed down. Lucky baby survived it all. I thought its  going to affect her adversely but Dr Ho said she's alright. She's 8 weeks 2 days old today and most probably EDD will be on 21 Aug although for second births, it will definitely be earlier. Hoping for the best now.

dealing with pregnancy and toddler

Well, you can't say Kieran is really a toddler yet... he can't toddle. He can only crawl and occasionally stand by himself.

Its good that the morning sickness this time round sets in in the evening so that I have energy to take care of Kieran when hubby goes to work and I am alone at home with him. He is demanding of attention. He wants milk milk, wants to play, wants to "um" everything I am eating and yet refuses his main food when I give it to him. He can talk and talks all the time. He can say lots of things and even repeat number one to ten in mandarin after me! His verbal ability develops really fast but not the walking ability.

This baby is considered more guai than Kieran when he was inside me last time. She doesn't make me feel terribly horrible, like I'm having some kind of terminal illness and going to die. If she had been the first child, I'd still be able to continue my work that time.

But then I still couldn't accept the fact that I'm going to have another one so soon. For the past few days, I sunk into depression and kept worrying and crying. My hubby told my parents about it and they came to see me. Our own parents who gave birth to us is the ones who love us unconditionally, and will make the most sacrifices for us. I told them I really thought of us giving up this pregnancy. My mom offered to stay with me from mondays to fridays until this one is old enough to go to childcare. I intend to go to work as soon as baby is about 3-4 months old.

Sigh I really hope I can survive this and that my parents and hubby and Kieran can survive this. God, this is a really major test you give us. A baby at THIS TIME? Gosh...

A surprise

The date is 29/12/2012. I had gastric problems, nausea and general weakness for 6 days, and had taken gastric medication for 3 days after testing negative for pregnancy. I did not recover at all. I still feel lousy although the gastric discomfort subsided a little. I started googling for symptoms of gastric cancer, intestinal cancer etc, and I sobbed as I repented to God and I thought I was most probably dying. Probably I won't survive until 2013. I won't see my son grow up. I started to think of how things will be managed after I have left this world. Well, my son will well taken care of by the grandparents, my husband can be free to choose another partner, he can travel the world without worrying, my loved ones will get on with life without me in time. Nobody is truly indispensable. I felt better. If one faces death, it's not the dying who suffers the most but the ones who are left behind. I have faith in God and I start to think of where I will go to after I pass on...

Then I think again, maybe it's not terminal illness... I have a feeling the symptoms are related to early pregnancy symptoms I had before, maybe the test I did sometime back isn't accurate? I did a test again on 29 dec and then, it came out obviously positive! I started shivering in disbelief and anxiety. How could it be? My gynae had told me, 2 months ago, that given the state of my uterus now, it is unlikely for me to get pregnant! I am still breastfeeding my older son who is 14 months now. I went to the clinic to test again and it's positive. The GP prescribed folio acid.

So I quickly SMS my hubby about the News. I was happy at first. I thought about receiving a little babe in my arms again... And then I became sad and worried immediately once I thought about all the complicated issues. Who will help to look after my son and my newborn? Will I have to send my son to full day childcare soon? Will I have to engage a maid? Will I break down taking care of two kids? How about the finances? Can hubby continue to support the family with single income? I had planned to work when I settle my older child in childcare next year but now all the plans will have to change.

I didn't feel happy about the pregnancy so I decided to tell no one until I discuss with hubby. I even wish it hadn't happened, or that it will go away... You know...

But hubby came back that night and told me he's super surprised and happy to hear the news. He laughed while I gave him a sad smile. The reassurance helped though. At least I knew he don't think that our baby will be a burden. I asked my mom whether she could quit her part time job and help me from Mondays to Fridays, staying over at my home as I do have to work next year after baby is born because we really need one more income coming in to support two kids.

The good news is, I sense that this baby is a girl. I am very sensitive in this aspect. For my first pregnancy, the moment I tested positive, I sensed that it's a boy, and it turns out true. For this one, it must be true too. My hubby would really love to have a girl, so do my mother in law who had been wishing for a girl but got two sons instead. If she's a girl, she'll be even more doted upon than my boy. I've even thought of a girl's name. Let's wish that me and my family can pull through and that this year will be alright for all of us. Oh baby baby, what a surprise and what a time to come!