A surprise

The date is 29/12/2012. I had gastric problems, nausea and general weakness for 6 days, and had taken gastric medication for 3 days after testing negative for pregnancy. I did not recover at all. I still feel lousy although the gastric discomfort subsided a little. I started googling for symptoms of gastric cancer, intestinal cancer etc, and I sobbed as I repented to God and I thought I was most probably dying. Probably I won't survive until 2013. I won't see my son grow up. I started to think of how things will be managed after I have left this world. Well, my son will well taken care of by the grandparents, my husband can be free to choose another partner, he can travel the world without worrying, my loved ones will get on with life without me in time. Nobody is truly indispensable. I felt better. If one faces death, it's not the dying who suffers the most but the ones who are left behind. I have faith in God and I start to think of where I will go to after I pass on...

Then I think again, maybe it's not terminal illness... I have a feeling the symptoms are related to early pregnancy symptoms I had before, maybe the test I did sometime back isn't accurate? I did a test again on 29 dec and then, it came out obviously positive! I started shivering in disbelief and anxiety. How could it be? My gynae had told me, 2 months ago, that given the state of my uterus now, it is unlikely for me to get pregnant! I am still breastfeeding my older son who is 14 months now. I went to the clinic to test again and it's positive. The GP prescribed folio acid.

So I quickly SMS my hubby about the News. I was happy at first. I thought about receiving a little babe in my arms again... And then I became sad and worried immediately once I thought about all the complicated issues. Who will help to look after my son and my newborn? Will I have to send my son to full day childcare soon? Will I have to engage a maid? Will I break down taking care of two kids? How about the finances? Can hubby continue to support the family with single income? I had planned to work when I settle my older child in childcare next year but now all the plans will have to change.

I didn't feel happy about the pregnancy so I decided to tell no one until I discuss with hubby. I even wish it hadn't happened, or that it will go away... You know...

But hubby came back that night and told me he's super surprised and happy to hear the news. He laughed while I gave him a sad smile. The reassurance helped though. At least I knew he don't think that our baby will be a burden. I asked my mom whether she could quit her part time job and help me from Mondays to Fridays, staying over at my home as I do have to work next year after baby is born because we really need one more income coming in to support two kids.

The good news is, I sense that this baby is a girl. I am very sensitive in this aspect. For my first pregnancy, the moment I tested positive, I sensed that it's a boy, and it turns out true. For this one, it must be true too. My hubby would really love to have a girl, so do my mother in law who had been wishing for a girl but got two sons instead. If she's a girl, she'll be even more doted upon than my boy. I've even thought of a girl's name. Let's wish that me and my family can pull through and that this year will be alright for all of us. Oh baby baby, what a surprise and what a time to come!