3 years ago, today, it was a day both hubby and I looked forward to. We were thrilled when we knew we were going to have a girl. We dreamt of dressing her up, tying her hair, hearing her sweet voice and cuddling her close. Caitlin was born on 2 August, morning. She completed our small family.
Caitlin was a feisty little one. She cried so loudly at the nursery that I was afraid the nurses would dislike her. Kieran meowed like a cat when he cried and he seemed easily satisfied (only in the beginning, I must clarify).
Today, Caitlin had runny nose and she was running a low grade fever. Today, was one of the saddest day in my life. I didn't know where to begin, and I didn't want to put too many negative things here so that I will continue to be reminded of the sad moments. I didn't know whether I was appreciated but I am always thinking of sacrificing myself so that my husband and/or my children will have a better and more comfortable life. It is so devastating to learn, from many months back, that no matter how much I sacrifice, my husband and my children can never have the perfect life that they ought to have. Today my husband was again, very frustrated with and got very firmed with Kieran. Kieran, being a HSP, was extremely hurt by his strict, cold and firm commands. Those words and tone of voice sounded extremely disrespectful to me. I asked him whether he would like it if I use those commanding tones and words on him every day, like what he did to our son. My husband would get physical problems almost daily and we did not know the cause after seeking advices from medical specialists. I guess he is simply not suitable to care for young children. I get exhausted with taking care of our young children, and I am appreciative of assistance from him. But now I am thinking whether it would be better if we alter our living arrangements so that he don't have to be in charge of our children's daily life. It might be better for his health and also, better for our children because then he won't be hurting them, especially Kieran who is more sensitive, more aware, more easily hurt, and whom I felt so much affinity with, because most likely, he is very like me - we feel the same way and so we hurt the same way. We are both highly sensitive. Unlike him, I have learnt to mask my high sensitivity, and found coping mechanisms to deal with the cruel and callous world. I had learnt to hate my sensitivity, and to believe that high sensitivity is weak, frail and incapable. My parents were not sensitive people and my father, the most important role model in my life, has taught me that to be sensitive is to be a weakling. Kieran is pure and innocent. He has the chance to appreciate his sensitive nature, and learn to love himself the way that I never had for myself. I recognise the importance of teaching him the ways of our world but at the same time, I do not want him to deny his uniqueness. I wish that he could learn to love his sensitivity and make use of his uniqueness to make our world a better place. "HSP are a gift to our world," Elaine Aron said. I am not sure. I wanted to say, "I wish my son would proof that statement for me." But I realised how wrong that would be. If I as a HSP, cannot proof that I am a gift to our world, how can I ask of my child to do that? I only feel like a shield now, always trying to protect my children from the harm that others unknowing project onto them.
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