Reflections after sickness

I had a very bad Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) few days ago. I'm still on antibiotic today. At it's worst, the pain was so bad, I could hardly walk and when I collected urine sample at the General Practitioner's (GP) clinic, my urine is red - not pink but RED. It was so scary. The pain was awful. I never had UTI that hurts so much when I pee. I never had UTI that hurts so much that my lower abdomen aches when I walk. I was also running a fever.

I started to worry that it may be more than UTI. Maybe it's really something less benign than UTI - like bladder cancer. 

There are many things in life that we have no control over, like death - like when we die and how we die. My colleague who is a doctor asked me to do some test. I think I should. 

I started to think about God when I think about death. I hope that when I leave this body one day, I will be able to go back to where God is. I hope to think of death as a reborn into another world, where I become, once again, a little baby, snuggling in God's warm embrace. In the back of my mind, I seem to have memories of such warm, loving, unconditional love and care. Such memories often fill my eyes with tears. God's embrace is like telling me, "It's ok, I know what you are, who you are and I see your imperfections, but here, in my bosom, you are safe from the hurt and the troubles of the World. It is safe to be dependent. It is alright to be needy." Perhaps such warm memories stem from my infancy, when my mother held me and I felt her love unconditionally, like God's love. 

As a baby, we are dependent on our parents but as we grow older, we are exposed more and more to the harshness of the world and we depend more on ourselves. As we grow even older, we have to care for and be responsible for others. These burdens rest on our shoulders like weights. We have to adopt some grown up thoughts and behaviours, just so we can carry these burdens and move on. Sometimes we put down our weights and we become children again, praying and being with God.

In my youth, I used to believe that being right is the most important. Now, I believe being kind is more important. There are many ways that people can prove that they are right. There are many rights in this world. But if I make the choice to be kind, my choice will be indisputably mine. Being kind does not mean I will be a pushover and I will not stand up for myself. On the contrary, being kind means that I will put others before myself, and if I have to say something or do something, it must be for their benefit, and not just to save guard my own benefit and pleasure. If I must stand up for myself for the other person's benefit, to show him that bullying is wrong, then it is an act of kindness. It matters how I do it and why I do it. I generally hate conflicts because I hate knowing people being hurt. Others cannot be hurt, I cannot be hurt too. A lesson has to be learnt and it is beautiful if the bully can learn it in a positive way. 

I wish before I die, I can do meaningful things. I hope the footprints that I leave behind will be one of significance and of positive influence.

Injured Nipple! - Nursing My Fierce Girl

I was dozing off while nursing my little girl when she suddenly got frustrated and gave me a vicious bite!

I have never had such a bad bite from nursing Kieran! She literally bit down and pulled! I screamed in pain while she cried in fright, and thereafter, I stopped nursing her on the injured breast. In fact I developed such a fear of latching her!

The nipple hurts terribly and I stopped latching her on that side, only latching her on the other, and hand expressing the injured breast when it got too engorged. At night, once, I latched her on the injured side as I did not want the supply to go down too badly, and that latch was excruciatingly painful! I took care to unlatch whenever I felt baby was fussy, or when I felt her teeth. Caitlin was definitely teething and very often, she would attempt to bite me.

I got so demoralised that I contemplated stop breastfeeding her altogether. Caitlin refused bottles since she was four or five months old, but I refused to nurse her and gave her a bottle, and she actually drank 30ml of breastmilk from it.

Later, I realised that Caitlin was not only teething but developing a fever. That explained her crankiness and her likeliness to bite while nursing.

Now, it is two weeks since she recovered from her high fever and roseola (fake measles) and she has resumed her lovely, nice, non-biting self, albeit a little fierce when she's refused the things she wants. Oh yes, she bites you when you snatch her toys. It's almost like a reflex action from her. She instinctively lunge forward and bite your arm if you snatch her toys. She reminds me of a puppy! Haha! But she has stopped biting me when she nurses. Thank goodness!

Last post of 2013

Goodbye 2013. In a few minutes, I'll be saying hello to 2014.

If there is two parts to my life, Part 1 was before the birth of my child Kieran, before I became a mother, and Part 2 begun in the evening of 10 Oct 2011 when I officially became a mother.

Why did I say that? Because this event drastically changed me - My outlook on life, my mindset about parenting, about babies, children, about my role in this world and in my family... I became hysterical, emotional, my mood swung on highs and lows like a roller coaster, and although I had once firmly believed I was damn prepared for parenthood with all the stuff I read, and all the knowledge I have in my brains, and all the determination I have in my heart... when the real things happened, it happened like a tsunami swarmed across the beach, sweeping away what little faith I have in myself, washing away whatever false confidence and wishful thinking I once had. And so I finally declare - I was not at all prepared for parenthood. For it is not something you could prepare for. It is not something you could imagine about before you actually experience it.

Between 2011 and 2013, when I gave birth to two lovely babies, there's only one word to describe me and my hysterical, and fierce and sometimes irrational behaviour.

Lioness.

I'm like a lioness protecting her cubs. I act on instincts. I am gentle on my lovely cubs but I glare at anyone who dares come near. Every single person are potential threats to my babies, and I will not hesitate to rip off their throats if they dare lay a finger on my babies. Yeah man. And I'm so stupid to be like that.

I started off being very determined on being successful in breastfeeding. I lived in a society with a generation of elders who are clueless about breastfeeding, used to formula milk and bottle feeding, brain washed by marketers to use formula milk, and do not have any experiences in breastfeeding or even watched mothers breastfeed. But we are now told breast milk is the best gift any mothers could give their darling babies. So I closed my mind to all interferences with my breastfeeding attempt. I was extremely protective, both of my child and of my mind. If I allowed one doubt to seep through the barrier and caused my stand to waver, it could affect my determination, I may give up breastfeeding, or my milk supply may dwindle because what determines the supply is in our brain and not only our physical health. So this mindset is really useful and I really am super successful in breastfeeding.

But it is no longer useful now. Nobody questioned my ability or capability in breastfeeding now that I'm doing it the second time. Elders take for granted that I will breastfeed my second one successfully too, and I did. Problem is my older child is past the breastfeeding age. He has long weaned off breast milk (unfortunately) and he is no longer protected by the antibodies in my milk. Suddenly, I have to face a whole new set of problems. My poor precious Kieran was having influx of weaknesses, episodes of flu, etc... It was so much to bear that I locked myself in a state of denial. No, my child cannot be like that. Before he's 18 months old, he's such a healthy baby! Even if he had flu, his fever never lasted more than 2 days and he seldom had flu and stomach problems.

Many people advised ways to increase his immunity and prevent "heatiness" and ways to prevent him from catching viruses but I didn't quite bothered to listen. Because I had my own ways of parenting, and my own ways of caring for children, and if I had listened to those "rubbish" I would have doubted myself and my breastfeeding efforts would have failed, right? I was always right, right? I desperately needed to change my mindset and allow new information to change how I parent and care for the children, but I didn't know that I have to, and so I struggled a lot when I obstinately clung on to old ways of doing things.

My children and I suffered much. 2013 was a year of horror and I had multiple depressive moods. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I had great times and I had really horrible times. My son was hospitalised for high fever with seizure in early December and just before Christmas, he caught flu again. It was very sad for hubby and me as parents, the grandparents had tough time coming to help, especially my parents, and I felt like a total failure. My whole family fell sick. I had fever which I never had since I had Kieran. Now, my Caitlin is still having cough but we are all recovering. As I declared 2013 the worst year I've ever lived, I am apprehensive that 2014 will be another (more) tormenting year. No matter what, what will come, will come. And me... I just have to brace myself for any tsunamis coming my way.

Edited on 23 October 2014.
Postscript: It is now near the end of 2014, and nope, 2014 is NOT a more tormenting year, in fact it is rather good. Yeah! But still, a dark cloud looms over us in the form of Ebola threat. I hope we will not face another SARS. I still remember the horrible ordeal Singapore went through. Now that I can children myself, I care more about the world and our future. May God bless us!

Kieran's flu journey

Here's my son's flu journey. Hubby recorded this in great detail and he requested me to put this up on my blog.

Before I became a parent, I have totally no idea how tormenting it is to nurse a sick child back to health, AND to keep a healthy child HEALTHY, away from the virus and bacteria and bad stuff. I felt totally helpless when Kieran and Caitlin fell sick with flu because I could protect them from everything and kept them happy and safe, but I couldn't protect them from viruses.

Here's the journey. It started before Christmas and so of course, there's no Christmas, no gathering and no tasty tang yuan for us. Unfortunately, this flu episode started right after Kieran was discharged from the hospital for high fever with seizure and being treated with Tamiflu.

Journal of Yunxuan Flu Journey

20 Dec 2013 (Friday):

~8.00pm: First symptoms of flu

Midnight to Wee hours: Administered Nurofen and Paracetamol

Observations: High Fever (>39oC), clear & watery nasal mucus,no poo

21 Dec 2013 (Saturday)

9.00am: Proceed to see Dr. Ong

Observations: clear and watery nasal mucus, daytime with paracetamol maintain temp below 38.5oC, no poo, Administered pill though anus at wee hours to bring down fever, introduced large amount of fluids (~150ml of fluid per hr) can keep temperature in the range of 36.9oC to sub 38oC.

Medication and temperature

12.30pm

Nurofen

39.2

22 Dec 2013 (Sunday)

Observations: clear and watery nasal mucus, daytime with paracetamol maintain temp below 38.5oC, very cranky mood, slept around 7pm, Administered pill through anus for fever at 7pm. No poo

Medication and temperature

12.30am	Paracetamol	38.4
2.30am	Pill through anus	39.3
12.00pm	Paracetamol	37.6
7.00pm	Pill through anus	38.8

23 Dec 2013 (Monday)

Observations: woke up at 2am to play. Started to have thick greenish nasal mucus. Started to cough badly. temperature on the rise at 2am so given paracetamol. went back to sleep at 4.00am. between 2.00am to 4.00am given 220ml of fluids (150ml of prune juice 70ml of nutrifresh). temperature on rise at 7.10am. administer paracetamol. given lots of fluids and paracetamol managed to keep temperature in sub 38oC range.  Pill through anus given at 8pm. Paracetamol at 11.15pm. Got poo a few times

Medication and temperature

2.00am	Paracetamol	?
7.10am	Paracetamol	37.8
11.30am	-	37.1
1.25pm	Paracetamol	37.5
3.00pm	-	37.5 (drank 40ml)
4.22pm	-	37.0 (drank 70ml)
5.34pm	-	37.6
8.00pm	Insert pill though anus	38.8
11.15pm	Paracetamol	37.0 (Drank 150ml of fluid per hr)

24 Dec 2013

Observation: Temperature rise at 6.00am. 38.7oC, given Nerofen at 6.00am. 3.00am Poo in diaper. Lousy appetite whole day. Only gotten better in evening. Went to see TCM and is diagnosed with 毛丹.

Medication and temperature

1.30am – 2.30am	-	Sub 37.0
6.00am	Nurofen	38.7
10.55am	Paracetamol	38.1
11.39am	-	38.0
1.25pm	-	36.9 (drank 150ml honey water)
3.30pm	Nurofen	39.0
6.30pm	TCM medicine	36.9
9.00pm	Insert pill through anus	39.4 (drank occasional sips of fluid)

25 Dec 2013

Observation: woke up at 3.30am to play. Slept at 4.30am. Morning started to sweat a little, body temp maintained normal the whole morning. Still have greenish yellowish nasal mucus, seems to have signs of reduced fluidity. Pooed one small piece in morning. Pooed a lot in afternoon 3.00pm and a bit at 9.30pm. Appetite much better, eaten one full bowl of porriage and drank 100+ml of fluids between 7.00pm and 10.30pm. Very sleepy the whole day.

Medication and temperature

12.30am	TCM medicine	36.2 (drank occasional sips and 140ml of Nutrifresh)
3.30am	Paracetamol	38.0
4.30am	-	38.2 (drank 70ml plain water)
6.30am	-	37.2
8.15am	TCM Medicine	36.7
11.20am	TCM medicine	37.1 (drank 140ml of honey)
2.45pm	TCM Medicine	36.9
5.00pm	Paracetamol	37.9
8.30pm	TCM Medicine	36.9
11.30pm	TCM Medicine	36.9

26 Dec 2013

Observation: Assumed yunxuan recovered. End of journal.

Medication and temperature

3.00am	TCM Medicine	36.9
7.00am	-	36.6
10.30am	TCM Medicine	36.9
4.00pm	TCM Medicine	36.9

End of journal.

To add on, on Sunday morning, we decided to visit Thomson Chinese Medicine at United Square and get TCM medicine for the whole family. The main reason is my poor Caitlin had cough and she coughed until her voice turns hoarse, vomited milk and phlegm and woke up every two hours even in the middle of the night due to terrible cough and mucous blocking her nose. For 2 days we had been administering Nuelin 1.5ml and Rhinatiol 1ml to her, given by Dr Ong. And her condition worsened. When we went online to check, I found that Rhinatiol is UNSUITABLE for children below 2 years old, and it worsened airway congestion!!! Darn! So that's why we stopped the medication on Saturday night, and phew, she slept soundly through the night. That's why we gave up on western medication and think we might as well go to see TCM. One of the mummies in the breastfeeding facebook page I joined recommended Sinseh Siah from Thomson Chinese Medicine, so we went. After 2 days of medicine, we've seen some improvement. Will update again if there are more changes.

Update on 23 Oct 2014: Our family have been visiting Traditional Chinese medicine sin seh and our health is getting better! We have almost monthly trips to Thomson Chinese Medicine at United Square, and Kieran will have paediatric tui na and herbal medicine prescribed to suit his condition. This helps to improve his digestion and strengthen immunity. Caitlin has tui na if she's not feeling well. We don't get TCM herbs for her because she screams and kicks even before the spoon reaches her mouth. Feisty girl! My hubby sees Sin seh Teng for TCM medicine and I do too occasionally. We seldom fall sick now. A healthy family is a happy family! Oh, and we all switched to organic food. Sometimes we can't get organic groceries for some items but if we could, we will definitely eat organic.