If there is two parts to my life, Part 1 was before the birth of my child Kieran, before I became a mother, and Part 2 begun in the evening of 10 Oct 2011 when I officially became a mother.
Why did I say that? Because this event drastically changed me - My outlook on life, my mindset about parenting, about babies, children, about my role in this world and in my family... I became hysterical, emotional, my mood swung on highs and lows like a roller coaster, and although I had once firmly believed I was damn prepared for parenthood with all the stuff I read, and all the knowledge I have in my brains, and all the determination I have in my heart... when the real things happened, it happened like a tsunami swarmed across the beach, sweeping away what little faith I have in myself, washing away whatever false confidence and wishful thinking I once had. And so I finally declare - I was not at all prepared for parenthood. For it is not something you could prepare for. It is not something you could imagine about before you actually experience it.
Between 2011 and 2013, when I gave birth to two lovely babies, there's only one word to describe me and my hysterical, and fierce and sometimes irrational behaviour.
Lioness.
I'm like a lioness protecting her cubs. I act on instincts. I am gentle on my lovely cubs but I glare at anyone who dares come near. Every single person are potential threats to my babies, and I will not hesitate to rip off their throats if they dare lay a finger on my babies. Yeah man. And I'm so stupid to be like that.
I started off being very determined on being successful in breastfeeding. I lived in a society with a generation of elders who are clueless about breastfeeding, used to formula milk and bottle feeding, brain washed by marketers to use formula milk, and do not have any experiences in breastfeeding or even watched mothers breastfeed. But we are now told breast milk is the best gift any mothers could give their darling babies. So I closed my mind to all interferences with my breastfeeding attempt. I was extremely protective, both of my child and of my mind. If I allowed one doubt to seep through the barrier and caused my stand to waver, it could affect my determination, I may give up breastfeeding, or my milk supply may dwindle because what determines the supply is in our brain and not only our physical health. So this mindset is really useful and I really am super successful in breastfeeding.
But it is no longer useful now. Nobody questioned my ability or capability in breastfeeding now that I'm doing it the second time. Elders take for granted that I will breastfeed my second one successfully too, and I did. Problem is my older child is past the breastfeeding age. He has long weaned off breast milk (unfortunately) and he is no longer protected by the antibodies in my milk. Suddenly, I have to face a whole new set of problems. My poor precious Kieran was having influx of weaknesses, episodes of flu, etc... It was so much to bear that I locked myself in a state of denial. No, my child cannot be like that. Before he's 18 months old, he's such a healthy baby! Even if he had flu, his fever never lasted more than 2 days and he seldom had flu and stomach problems.
Many people advised ways to increase his immunity and prevent "heatiness" and ways to prevent him from catching viruses but I didn't quite bothered to listen. Because I had my own ways of parenting, and my own ways of caring for children, and if I had listened to those "rubbish" I would have doubted myself and my breastfeeding efforts would have failed, right? I was always right, right? I desperately needed to change my mindset and allow new information to change how I parent and care for the children, but I didn't know that I have to, and so I struggled a lot when I obstinately clung on to old ways of doing things.
My children and I suffered much. 2013 was a year of horror and I had multiple depressive moods. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I had great times and I had really horrible times. My son was hospitalised for high fever with seizure in early December and just before Christmas, he caught flu again. It was very sad for hubby and me as parents, the grandparents had tough time coming to help, especially my parents, and I felt like a total failure. My whole family fell sick. I had fever which I never had since I had Kieran. Now, my Caitlin is still having cough but we are all recovering. As I declared 2013 the worst year I've ever lived, I am apprehensive that 2014 will be another (more) tormenting year. No matter what, what will come, will come. And me... I just have to brace myself for any tsunamis coming my way.
Edited on 23 October 2014.
Postscript: It is now near the end of 2014, and nope, 2014 is NOT a more tormenting year, in fact it is rather good. Yeah! But still, a dark cloud looms over us in the form of Ebola threat. I hope we will not face another SARS. I still remember the horrible ordeal Singapore went through. Now that I can children myself, I care more about the world and our future. May God bless us!
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