Sleepless nights

I couldn't sleep due to worries and more worries again.

I wonder whether sending Kieran to childcare is necessary and whether it is of best arrangement for us and best interest of his.

Kieran has been having fever these few days. We were worried that its virus but we finally put it down to teething as he had been complaining of painful and itchy gums at the same time and he's apparently growing the molars. We saw big ones popping out. He's now asleep but his body feels hot. We gave him some panadol before he slept and I sponged him and Yilin fanned him while he slept just now. His body is still feverish warm but not as hot as just now.

I have a lot of worries. Not sure whether I can be a good mummy when I have both Yun Xi and Yun Xuan to care for, and not sure whether I will be able to spend enough time with them when I start work next year, and not certain of whether they will respect and listen to me when I discipline them because of the lack of time I spent with them.

Its really so tiring to lie awake and couldn't sleep, and the endless stream of worries just appears in my mind. And little Caitlin kicking away in my tummy. Sometimes she kicked so hard and I could feel her so low in my tummy (she enjoys kicking my bladder), that I wonder whether she will kick herself out of my tummy any time!

Its difficult being a human being. Our capabilities are limited and our time are limited. And we have countless responsibilities to fulfil.

I'm very much looking forward to my mom moving in to stay with me in August. I'm due in August, and I hope that when she's here, I can get better rest and more help around the house. I like my mom to be around coz she listens to me and won't interfere much when I discipline Kieran or do stuff in my house. In a way, I am queen of the house. If its my dad, he will want things his way too, otherwise he will nag loudly, and my mother in law has her own views on things and she doesn't like to ask me how I like things to be done in the house, and just automatically does it her way which I dislike. The grandparents don't like certain ways I deal with Kieran like permitting him to feed himself, letting him go diaperless and pee all over, etc. Honestly, I don't like it too. I hate the mess and the extra effort on me, but Kieran is my precious son, my only son, and if I must sacrifice and get a bit of backache and frustration and headache because of him, it's still perfectly worth it. I die die also want to toilet train him myself and let him learn to self feed before he goes to childcare. I don't want him to be bullied by teachers or be trained by unkind teachers. Teachers like kids who are trained. After all, if its not your child, most likely, you won't feel happy sacrificing much for him or her and the easier to care for is the child, the better you like him or her.

Hubby gave me a massage on my lower back and shoulder before he slept. Very grateful and hope I will have it every night! Such a big relieve for me! Aching all over after carrying a tummy and walking around all day. But its much better than first pregnancy. I only gained 4kg and I'm 6 months pregnant, due in 3-4 month's time! I was 39+kg and now I'm 44+kg. LOL. Many women will be envious of my weight. I hope I don't put on too much so that there won't be much to lose later on after childbirth.

As I can't sleep, I shall just ramble on... I have decided to choose 4 bedded when I deliver Caitlin. Because
1. I am an experienced breastfeeding mother so if nurse push baby to me at night, I won't be as clueless as I was with Yun Xuan at that time... Reminiscing those moments... I love it the moment nurse bring baby to me. I wish I could keep him with me for as long as possible. He's so lovely. Even if I was woken up half way through my sleep to feed him, I still feel super delighted see him, and even if its not feeding time, I kept going to the nursery to see him.
2. If everything goes well, I can be discharged on second day, so no point to stay in luxury room...
3. If its only one night, I guess the rest can handle Kieran well. Although if money permits, I'd rather hubby and Kieran stays with me in the hospital and with our new baby.

Only if I experience great pains due to tear again or I need emergency caesarean, then hubby will request hospital to transfer me to the single room ward.