Not forgiving anytime soon

With a little baby, there are so many inconveniences to things that would have been simple in life.

Yesterday I was trying to discuss with hubby about the schedules for the coming weeks as I have several baby shower and wedding invitations to attend and I'm not sure baby is fit to attend them with us. For one, he fusses a lot in the evening and it'll be so embarrassing if he cries and cries if I try to feed him. And he still wails when we put him in the car seat for a long ride.

This Sunday I have to attend a wedding in the morning, a baby shower in the evening, Monday, another wedding in the evening, then during the weekend, I was hoping to put money in baby's CDA account for use when we need it. Next Sat, we have to attend a relative's house warming and baby must go for this one, then the following week is another good friend's baby shower.

But I am very sad. Yesterday when Hubby and I had a chance to talk over dinner, all he was concerned about was Groupon discounts and surfing the net. I haven't completed my sentence and he was already calling someone over the phone about something he read online. I had appalled by his lack of interest in what I was saying. I am interested in planning a schedule but he was more interested in commenting on other people's choice of baby shower timings. Irritated max. It got to the extend that I snatch his handphone from him in an attempt to make him listen but I guess that attempt failed too. I felt like smashing the idiot phone against the wall although I returned it to him. Later, I went in to look after baby and he knew I was unhappy but that's too late. If he doesn't care, then why should I bother? I will just make the arrangements myself and he doesn't need to be in the picture since he doesn't care.

Sometimes it pains me to see how less effort hubby is investing in baby's care. I understand he has to work. But the most he did is to hold baby awhile in the evening. He doesn't need to wake up in the middle of the night to care for baby, change diaper or feed baby. I try to let him sleep as much as possible and be as stress free as possible by doing everything myself but I dun want him to take things for granted. Does he know that other dads wake up in the middle of the night to rock baby to sleep when they wake up crying? Does he know that other dads come home to play with baby, change nappy, cook dinner etc instead of checking mails, reading news and watching tv like he does?

I refused to talk to him much in the morning. He doesn't realized his mistake. Guys will not reaslise their mistake if you tell them how wrong they are in the face. Guys will never learn. Even after he sensed that something is wrong, he doesn't know how he can make it right. He just sleeps at the time he sleeps everyday. Even though he knows my love language is "quality time", he doesn't give me the attention that I require. These few nights, it is always dinner, feeding baby and then I will entertain baby until he sleeps, and wake up in the middle of the night to care for baby while he continue on his usual lifestyle of sleeping before 11pm and wakes up for work. Its not that I am complaining about the unfairness. I just want him to realise all these doesn't come easy. He comes home to marvel at baby's cuteness while I do all the work and the pacifying.

Yes, I'm feeling very bitter, and no, I am not ready to forgive him. Especially since he isn't even doing anything to ask for forgiveness too. Taking too much for granted... taking too much for granted... :(

settling down with baby

Settling down in my new home. Its cool to be here in Punggol. The weather is almost always cool, and at night, when there's a storm, the wind raged up a cool howling sound, like wolves' howls. Isn't it great? Its like sleeping in a tent in the wild. I've always always love nature!

The cool weather is great for my baby. He's really scared of heat. It pains me to see him sweaty all over after a nap. Oh yes, baby fusses every evening but the change is that I've already got used to it and am prepared to handle his fusses even though he still tires me out every time. Hubby came home late usually, and after dinner and unpacking some stuff, he needs to sleep earlier to prepare for tomorrow's work, and boy, he really can sleep over baby's cries -.-" So its up to me alone to entertain this little tyke until he got tired and finally sleep.

Our house is in a mess coz there r just so many things to unpack and tidy up. So many things to do everyday. Feeding baby, bathing baby etc, all these are routine chores. So when I get some free time, I'll do the unpacking and sorting.

I'm extremely grateful to my parents and parents in law for coming over to help with household chores and cooking. I really cannot imagine doing all these alone with a small baby to care for. I dun mind it if I have full night's sleep but this little one has been waking me up 3 times over the night, and demands to be held and played with in the early morning. Which machine has this much energy?

Today, we bring baby out. He's getting very used to the car seat and does not fusses as much as the first time we put him in it. Dad drove us to visit my aunts. One of my aunts is handicapped so she couldn't come to visit baby. She's so happy to see my baby just now. Then we went out for lunch at Greenland Vegetarian Restaurant. Very tasty food. I will rate it 8/10. As we ate, baby too, had his "lunch" over the breastfeeding cover. Haha. He's so guai, not making too much noises and not fussing. Otherwise, I'll have to entertain him and walk around, which isn't so convenient in a restaurant. I love it when he unlatches after he's had his fill and sleep soundly at my chest. He looks so contented and so snugly warm.

He's now sleeping on my parents' bed. At my parents home now after lunch. Hubby is coming for dinner, and then we'll go home together with baby. I'm enjoying the day :)

Moving out finally!

We are moving to our new flat at Punggol tomorrow. A month long's confinement has ended. And this will be the last time I'm doing confinement, man. Last time. I'm absolutely certain about that.

I'm a free spirited person and to have people telling you can't do this, you can't do that based on the beliefs of some ancestors is a torture. I wonder why I agree to do it in the first place, really. I told hubby when I die, I'm going to search for those ancestors who came up with the confinement rules and give them a piece of my mind.

I also can't stand not showering. Irritated me to the max.

I also hate the lack of privacy when staying here at parents in laws' place. Can't wait to move to my new home. There's no place like home really when I can be free from unsolicited comments, advices and restrictions. But I really am not sure whether I can handle baby well alone. I mean baby has been waking me up for feeds 3 times at night recently. He also need diaper change at least once at night. He is also very demanding in that he'll ask for attention and refused to sleep. In the morning, I am so beaten that I'll enlist mother in law's help and take well deserved naps. I only managed to be more awake in the afternoons. I wonder how I can cope when such help isn't available. But at times, I really wish for more private moments with darling baby so that whenever he wants, I can just take off my shirt and breastfeed in the living room, at the sofa, on the beanbag, anywhere... and I can hold baby while I nap like what i did previously on the beanbag... and I can do anything my way and go anywhere I like without anyone interfering.

Refusing to nap

Baby was super active yesterday. He refused to nap and fussed at my breast since afternoon.

The night before, he skipped his evening fussiness and kept sleeping after feeds. I thought it's a wonderful break for hubby and me. Little did I know that he will pay it back double the next day. Lol...

I was so tired by evening that I handed baby to mother in law and took naps. Actually I was hoping hubby would come home to help but he suddenly felt weakness in his body and usually that is the first sign of cold or flu for him. So he kept a distance from baby, wore a mask and slept outside. I can only depend on myself. I told him it's alright, I'm independent. But in the end, I gave up and handed baby to mother in law to be coaxed to sleep after I fed him. I tried to ignore his cries and whimpers which melted my heart and tried to catch some sleep myself.

I was glad that the next time I heard baby crying for milk, it's 3am already. Mother in law had put baby to sleep in the cot beside me. I'm amazed she managed to rock baby to sleep. It must have been very difficult. Baby is extremely naughty during his fussy period and he'll demand for so much attention and threaten to be rocked in his favourite way or else face his loud and endless cry.

Now baby is stretching and grunting in the cot. Not yet in deep deep sleep yet. Boy, his grunts are super loud! He just had his milk and I've pumped out the rest of the milk to relieve engorgement. I really should have sterilized the pump so as to pump and keep the milk. I pumped out one full bottle. Such a waste to throw it away but I was too tired and didn't think clearly. I usually try to keep the milk I pump out during night feeds because milk flow is faster between midnight to 6am and I really can pump out a lot to store at a short time. Never mind, I shall do that for the second feed.

Baby picks up routine very quickly. When he wakes up in the morning, he needs to have milk. After morning bath, he needs to have milk, even if he'd had milk shortly before, he'll still demand for it. If he's not hungry, he'll drink only a few minutes but at least he suckled and that's good enough for him. This tells me that I have to train him sleeping routine as soon as he begin to want to sleep longer. I read that babies will develop sleep wake cycle at 6-8weeks old, so at this time, it's best time to develop a good sleeping routine that will help baby sleep better and be less fussy during sleeping time.

Time for bed before baby wakes up for second night feed. Good night... I mean... Morning... Yawn...

Preconceptions vs Reality of parenthood

Before having my baby, I thought babies... :
Sleep like sweet angels at night :)
Reality:
Babies grunt and groan when they stretch. Mine is super loud and makes lots of noises.

Before having my baby, I thought babies... :
Will be peaceful and lovely all day and night.
Reality:
There is such thing as evening fussiness when babies cry and fuss and is just very naughty and won't sleep... And there's nothing we can do but to entertain him until he sleeps.

Before having my baby, I thought... :
The biggest challenge is breastfeeding - having enough milk, correct latching, baby drinking well etc. Follow the book and I'll be ok...
Reality
Throw away the book. Every baby is different. Ok, the book on breastfeeding does help to understand basic concepts but breastfeeding isn't about following everything the book says. Following my baby's character and demands is more important.

Before having my baby, I thought... :
I'll still have lots of time to rest and enjoy doing craft and art.
Reality:
Feeing baby every 2-3hr and waking up at night to feed him 2-3 times? No more time and energy to do other stuff. Maybe until he's a little older...

Before having my baby, I thought... :
I'll still be the same me whatever happens.
Reality:
Never have I felt such intense love and desire to protect someone other than myself. I will brave storms, face monsters, ghosts, evils and even fierce dogs and cockroaches for the sake of my little one. I guess I'm not the same anymore.

There are still more realisation to come. Being a mother makes me understand with deeper meaning when my parents tell me how sick I fell when I was a child and how worried they were, how concerned they are when I refused to eat, and the problems they faced when I was a baby. They seemed easy before I faced them myself but now, I can understand the feelings of being a parent. "Being a parent" these simple words encompasses more than you could think of.

Baby cold

Oh no, we are so sad. Baby was only 23 day old when he suddenly developed cold symptoms. Yesterday 3am, baby woke up for milk but after drinking, he still woke up at 4am, 5am and 6am, crying but not drinking a lot of milk when I offered him nipple. He started coughing a lot and making weird noises with his nose. We realized that its not normal and wanted to take him to polyclinic as we had planned to bring him for his jaundice check up. But in the morning, hubby and I decided its better to bring him to pediatrician instead. He seemed to be feeling really terrible.

Dr Ong saw him and explained to us some coughing and sneezing is normal but checked and said baby has a lot mucous. But he dun recommend babies this young taking medicine. He said there are babies who stopped breathing altogether and turned blue after taking medicine that cause drowsiness. He told me us to use a saline spray to spray into baby's nostrils to let the mucous come out. He said baby will sneeze it out or it will come out as runny substance.

We used it once yesterday and baby was crying and crying. We had to hold his head. Poor thing! We used it again this morning and afternoon. He seemed more relieve after using the spray. We'll use it again this evening a few min before his feed and then let him sleep. Hopefully he'll be fine. My poor baby. I hope he will get well soon. In the day he's ok. The worst usually happened at night, usually when he wakes up for night feeds... and that will be my problem alone coz at that time, nobody can help me :(

What's worse is that mother in law had cold and its probably her who passed the virus to baby even though she already took good precaution like wearing a mask. So its more tiring because we dun dare to let her carry baby. We have to care for baby on our own and hubby has to learn how to bathe baby. Sigh. Its all so tormenting... but I shall survive this, and baby will get stronger!

10 more days to go

Boy! Time flies! Its only 10 more days to baby's 1st month!

Baby Yun Xuan has changed so much since his discharge from hospital. He's hungrier, less sleepy, chubbier, making much more noises, likes to play with papa and mummy and hear our voices, and he's getting super fussy in the evenings!

I try to think of his fussiness as needing our attention and love, then I'll not feel so frustrated and negative. When he's fussy, he can be satisfied with nothing. I told Aunty (Yilin's aunt) that in the evenings, he's fussy. She dun seem to believe. She asked whether we didn't feed him on time, causing the fussiness. I told her, no, its just like that, no matter what we do, he's just fussy. So last night, she was holding him and he gave her the full power of his fussiness. She promptly passed him back to me. LOL. Yun Xuan would cry and stretch and fret and won't be soothed by the usual cuddling.

So hubby and I sing to him, hold him in his fav position and feed him milk when he's less fussy.