Burnt out

The blocked duct problem is temporarily solved. I hope it won't come back.

Felt a bit burnt out today and I asked my mother in law to help look after baby while I rest. I couldn't sleep even though I was on the bed and could only sleep for 1 hour plus this afternoon. Felt happy to finally be able to sleep. Had a weird dream during my sleep though. My baby is now 4 months old and his needs are getting more and more intense. He is sleeping lesser, needs more play and stimulations, and starts to talk and cry and scream more. He is one big screamy babe!

Mother in law is very nice to baby. She is able to look after him well and play with him well when she's not so busy tidying up. I'm lucky to have a nice mother in law.

Today is valentine's day. No celebration but there's no need to anyway. Hubby bought bubble tea for me when he came home. Baby was asleep when he returned because he has army training and has to be back late. I see it as good opportunity for him to exercise and stay healthy.

I read that besides over supply, tiredness and stress can also cause blocked ducts. Now, the affected area is still painful but I have no mood to do self care... I want to have a good shower but I just sit here, think about things and type here in my blog. In the day, I'm always busy so I don't have a quiet moment to think about things. I think I'm a bit depressed.

Last weekend was my birthday weekend which I hope to get some rest but I couldn't as we brought baby out and having no vehicle, we travelled on public transport and that demanded a lot of effort and time. I really need rest. I took care of baby the whole day and being full time mother to a young baby is very challenging. I want to take care of baby's needs as well as his emotional needs, giving him cuddles and singing and talking to him when he is bored. And without much rest, its weekdays again and I'm left to care for baby myself. Lucky that mother in law comes to help. I have to be on 100% energy to care for baby but now my energy level is so low. There are so many things on my mind and so many things that I am unhappy about. A friend posted on her Facebook page that her hubby and her just got a new weekend car. I felt so jealous. It's great to have a car when you dun have a child yet but when you have a young baby, its a big relief to have a car! Hubby said no. We are already trying to make ends meet. If I had gone back to work, I reckon he'll say the same. I am affected because many of my friends are able to get a car which post so much conveniences for their babies and them. I really don't understand why we couldn't just manage to get a second hand one.

Unfortunately, hubby did a calculation and said we can't and if we have dual income, we might be able to afford one. If I had wanted a car, there will be no more taking care of baby. If I want to take care of baby at home, there will be no car. Very smart hubby. Very cruel reality.

As I sat here to think of things, I sometimes feel very upset that in life there are so many things that we have to give up. It must always be one thing or another. Never can we have the best of both worlds. I'm not complaining. I'm just stating a fact.

There are many things that I feel frustrated with. Perhaps it's time to calm down and think positive and not ruminating on the negatives too much.

When one is feeling down and out, it's so good to have someone to help out around the house. That is why tomorrow, I'm gonna make a trip to my parents' house and not cope up at home with baby and get even more depressed. Our happiness lies in our hands!

After talking to hubby tonight, I got even more depressed, feeling like there's no way things are gonna turn for the better.

I have my greed and I am a person who longs for adventure in life. I want to do everything when I'm still young and when I still have the health to. But hubby is a boring old man who wants to wait until everything is settled, wait oh wait oh wait... Wait until probably we are 70 years old and laments why we don't do the things we could when we could, oh wait, we probably won't even live to 70s. Maybe we'll die soon and die with regret that we never accomplish the things we set off to do when we were young. I wonder why he don't get to become a little bit more braver to walk the path less travelled? Perhaps a part of me too is also like that. I like to say I want adventures but a part of me, too, is stuck in the rut and afraid to move out.

I am a frog who likes my little well and thinks this little well is the best home for me for the world out there is threatening, so staying in my warm and nice little well for the rest of my life is the best. Oh poor little frog, I am. Poor little frog. Read about the wonderful things about the world beyond the well but oh poor little frog has tied herself to the cozy little well and decides that this is the best place to stay, warm and damp and dark but who knows, the world out there might be worse! Oh poor little frog. You useless little amphibian. You have failed yourself. You have failed yourself.