Parenting HSC and reflections

Parenting, with Kieran, is a soul-searching journey. Parenting my children is a great journey but parenting highly sensitive children is almost life-changing... if we acknowledge, appreciate and love them who who they are.

A few days ago, I wanted to teach Kieran something, and I told him to sit at his study desk. Caitlin was drawing at the desk, beside him and he wanted to draw something too, but I wanted to teach him number bonds. So I took out a book and pen and proceeded to teach. He made a frustrated sound and said he wanted to draw. So I looked frustrated as well and said, "Ok." while I walk away. He got afraid suddenly. He ran up to me and said, "I'll do number bonds! I'll do number bonds!" I told him, still sounding frustrated, that he should just go and do what he like. He said, "I like to do number bonds. Please, don't have a sad day!" 

That surprised me. In the past, I knew he was willing to do something he did not want to do to make me happy. But now, he is willing to like something he did not like to do to make me happy. It was good that he care so much for me but I thought nobody in this world should force themselves to do, and worse like something they did not like to do to please other people. That's not right. That's not a right character to cultivate. I asked him, "Why did you say you like to do number bonds?" He said yes, he really like to do them. I asked him, "Is it really true you like to do them?" He said he wanted me to have "happy day". He said he will have a sad day if I have sad day too. It is true. He looks extremely distressed whenever I look sad. So we got into a negotiation. He said he wanted to do number bonds to make me happy. I said I wanted him to do drawing and colouring to make him happy. He said it is important that I am happy because if I am not happy he is not happy. I told him it is important that he is happy because if he is not happy I am not happy too. So we compromised. I told him that I would really love it if he drew me a lovely picture for me to paste on my office cubicle wall. We could learn number bonds after he drew me that picture. He happily set out to draw a picture. He put lots of effort into it. There's a cute story to every component he drew. I was digging for dinosaur bones in the picture. There was a purple house with a red roof, that looked a little slanted to the left. Papa was hiding behind a tree, playing hide and seek with him and his sister. Caitlin was small and holding his hand. He was standing beside me. It was all lovely. It was more precious than the rarest jewel on Earth.

I have never met anyone with a heart as kind as Kieran. Sometimes I wonder where he's from before he came into our arms as our lovely baby. Was he an angel? Was he someone even better than an angel? He seldom have a temper although when he is distressed by scenes of violence and blood on the TV, or by threats of violent discipline from adults who sometimes talk without using their brains (which includes me, unfortunately), he will get into a huge tantrum. It is not his fault. He has a very kind and generous heart and he is frightened. I've always thought that our world needs people like Kieran. He seldom thinks of himself first. He is always thinking of others. I am not afraid that he might stand on the losing end of deals. He is a smart person. He makes choices. He chooses me. When he is older, his understanding of the world will be re-calibrated. I am now that most important person to him. I protect him, love him, take care of him, I am his source of food, clothes, warmth and shelter, and also his source of joy, anger and sadness. But as he gain independence from me, this important role will shift from me to himself. He will learn that the respect, the awe and the reliance he had for me, will be shifted to himself. In other words, how I treat him now, will become how he treat himself in the future. How I talk to him now, will become his inner voice in the future. It is important I play this role well now, so that I set a positive note for him for the rest of his life.

This applies for all children, but for Kieran, because of his high sensitivity, we have to be even more careful. He is sharper especially on the emotional and the subconscious aspect.

Caitlin, on the other hand, is a person who knows what she wants. She goes for what she wants and she does not give in. Because, why should she? Kieran gets frustrated with her monopolising ways sometimes. He will come to me and complain that she grabs the toy and does not share. He is very willing to share, as long as they each get equal chances to play. With explanations and coaxing, she will still find it hard to let go of her new desire for a short while to share with others. It is not her fault because after all, she's only three years old. I find that at times, I have to help him snatch the toy over for fair play. I do not want them to think that the person who has a more passive disposition will always have to give in and the person who has a more aggressive disposition will always have the larger share. Kieran complained to me that my mom, who cares for them in the day while I work, made him keep the toys although it was his sister who tumbled them all over the floor, just because he is older and more willing to do the task than Caitlin, who is really stubborn. You can ask her to do something a hundred times and threaten her with all sorts of terrible punishment, but if she made up her mind not to do it, she won't, period. She'll scream at you and cry her lungs out rather than be forced to do something against her will.

Both of them have wonderful characters. Caitlin's character set her on the right foot for a world as callous as ours. She is tiny and fearful of many things. She would snuggle up to me if she needs protection and love and she'll jump and hide behind me if she's afraid. But I'm sure when she faces tough times in the future, she has that thing in her which will help her ride through it smoothly. It's like if a huge wave crashes in, she'll be the one emerging from the top and ride on the waves, looking all cool and steady like its really nothing. She's not like me at all, and I'm so glad she isn't. She could do so much more and in much better ways with the strength and willpower that she possesses. She's a mighty girl, at such a young age. Kieran is more like me. We are kind, we are gentle, we are afraid of and despises violence, and we sometimes do not feel like we belong in this world. 

I am in my mid thirties. It is hard to live life on my own terms at this age, when we, my husband and I, are responsible for so many things. We pay for the house, the car, the daily groceries, our parents' allowances, our children's needs, small luxuries in life like a family trip to the Zoo or a new rice cooker, and medical and insurance fees. I now find the ordinary everyday life is in itself, a gift. I used to believe we should all have dreams and ambitions and bucket lists. I did not have them anymore. It was a pleasant feeling to let go of them. I don't need these now because every breathe that I take is a gift. Every moment is a gift. I am not entitled to this life, to everything that I have now, my family, my husband, my lovely children, my parents, my home, my car, my job, my friends... and so on... I know of people who died young, who discovered they have a tumour and then, the next thing they know, they are planning for their surgeries, or worse, their palliative care, wills and funerals. I asked myself what if it was me? Why couldn't it be me? What if I step out and I was killed by a freak accident, even before I could say goodbye to everyone I love? So I told myself, that it won't matter, if I treasure each day, if I treat every moment as a gift, if in every moment of my heart, I am grateful and at peace.

Somewhere in another part of this world, another person, like me, who have family, children, parents and friends are suffering from war, famine and corruption. Their choices are much more limited and their lives are tougher and in much more danger. "What makes me privileged?" I sometimes ask myself. I can complain as much as I want, but not more than that person suffering in that part of the world.

Self esteem and piano practice

Recently, a neighbour saw my children and commented that Kieran is very fair and good looking, and that Caitlin is darker.

Caitlin told my mother that, “No, I am fair. I look like mummy. I am pretty.”

I hope this meant that she has a healthy self-esteem and she was maintaining her view no matter what other people say. It also meant, as we all already know, that our darling girl is a very strong-willed child. She will have what she wants and she will not accept other inferior offers.

Girls are more sensitive to other people’s comments on appearances. I hug her everyday and tell her that she is pretty and cute, and she’s our darling princess. Some parents may frown at what we do, thinking these are indulgences that will spoil the child. I do not think so. Our children need to derive their self-esteem from somewhere and when they are at this age when what we do and say means the world to them, our words and actions affect their self-esteem greatly. I will tell her she is kind, she is generous, she is nice, she is pretty, she is like a princess, she is like a ballerina, she is like a baby, she is our darling and she will be who I say she is. If I were to tell her she is naughty, she is mischievous, she is hopeless, she is greedy, she is ugly, she is fat, she is cruel, she is unworthy, she will also be who I say she is. So I avoid those negative descriptions, especially “naughty” which sometimes come out of my mouth before I can stop myself.

Recently, when I practise piano with my son, he always displays an unwilling attitude which pisses me off very much. I was very stern with him and he cried badly yesterday. His lackadaisical attitude infuriated me and my stern attitude distressed him. He cried and protested which angered me more. He said he want “happy day”. He did not want the day to turn out to become “sad day” or “bad day”.  I realised he must not be behaving in that way in purpose. Perhaps he had not gotten into the mood of practice and he had not understood the expectations of practising.

I spent a long time explaining to Kieran what is expected of him during piano practice and he cannot be just putting on a show, negotiate for playing just once for treats, and quickly run away back to his toys after a short practice which he did not even put in any effort for. As I spoke to him, I thought of the primary five boy who committed suicide and his distraught mother beside his dead body shouting, “I only ask for 70 marks, I don't expect you to get 80 marks.” In the News article here, the State Coroner urged parents and educators to remind children that "their efforts in study may not always yield a commensurate result, and also that such failures are transient or temporary events". This taught me a very important lesson. We have to understand the expectations and stresses imposed by our expectations from the perspectives of our children. We may feel that the expectation was manageable but in the eyes of our children, our well-meaning expectations may be a struggle or a distress. For piano, a main part of the stress to meet expectations come from the teacher and the group lesson. When the teacher stressed the importance of practice and when the other students can play much better than ours, we start to feel that perhaps there are something else I or my child could have done. Is this unlike the Primary school stresses? Studies are important and practice is important, and children, like all children since time immemorial, will choose play over studies and practice.

I will start to introduce warm up time and cool down time before piano practice - gentle encouragement to get him to mentally warm up to the practice mood, and hugs to end the practice session. I think that will make the session lighter and happier. It is sad that time is a factor we are lacking in. As busy working parents, we find it so hard to fit in homework and practice to the small window of time we have after dinner and before bed time. I wish so much that I can better balance work and parenting responsibilities.

Recently, while working I like to listen to a singer Yao Bei Na’s theme songs on Zhen Huan Zhuan. I liked the drama which has its story based on ancient Chinese Emperor’s harem. Another thing I like about listening to this song is that they teach me not to take things too hard. The singer Yao Bei Na is dead at 33 years old after losing battle to metastasis breast cancer that has invaded other organs. She was once so beautiful, famous and wealthy. She could have everything she wanted that many others could only dream of. If life is destined to end, nothing can buy us more time. Many people argue that money can buy you the best doctor and best treatment, and likely prolong life and quality of life. These people have probably not looked death and terminal illness in the face before. I work in a Hospital and I know that if the cancer is aggressive, the only care is palliative and the suffering and pain makes no difference whether you are a millionaire or a pauper. The drama which she sang the theme songs for is also on a story about people who have once lived and long gone from this place. The Earth is a place where people come and go. These emperors, empress, concubines and servants who once wield much power are now only history. In this long passage of history, one would wonder the purpose of being, and the purpose of life. A spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle once said, “You are the universe, expressing itself as a human for a little while.” Indeed, the only wealth we are entitled to in this lifetime is time which is limited and precious, and is to be used wisely before we once again, return to the embrace of the Universe - or God.

Kieran’s 5th Birthday

Today is Kieran’s fifth birthday. As I am writing this, he must have given away the birthday goodie bags to his classmates and has met my mom who is bringing him home from school. We celebrated his birthday last weekend and he had a really great time enjoying the company, the ice cream cake, goodies and presents!

Kieran’s birthday is the most significant for me because it means that I am a mother for the fifth year. On this very day, five years ago, my perspective on life changed considerably.

How I wish I can fit work into my schedule instead of family life around my fixed working hours. Perhaps one day, the world will recognise the need for an all-rounded life for all workers. Perhaps one day, the world will glorify and empathise with the role of mothers.

It is unbelievable how long we have come on this journey. I wish the best of health and the most peaceful of mind to my loveliest children, and I wish blessings on the children of this world, who are the future of this world we love.

Reflections after sickness

I had a very bad Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) few days ago. I'm still on antibiotic today. At it's worst, the pain was so bad, I could hardly walk and when I collected urine sample at the General Practitioner's (GP) clinic, my urine is red - not pink but RED. It was so scary. The pain was awful. I never had UTI that hurts so much when I pee. I never had UTI that hurts so much that my lower abdomen aches when I walk. I was also running a fever.

I started to worry that it may be more than UTI. Maybe it's really something less benign than UTI - like bladder cancer. 

There are many things in life that we have no control over, like death - like when we die and how we die. My colleague who is a doctor asked me to do some test. I think I should. 

I started to think about God when I think about death. I hope that when I leave this body one day, I will be able to go back to where God is. I hope to think of death as a reborn into another world, where I become, once again, a little baby, snuggling in God's warm embrace. In the back of my mind, I seem to have memories of such warm, loving, unconditional love and care. Such memories often fill my eyes with tears. God's embrace is like telling me, "It's ok, I know what you are, who you are and I see your imperfections, but here, in my bosom, you are safe from the hurt and the troubles of the World. It is safe to be dependent. It is alright to be needy." Perhaps such warm memories stem from my infancy, when my mother held me and I felt her love unconditionally, like God's love. 

As a baby, we are dependent on our parents but as we grow older, we are exposed more and more to the harshness of the world and we depend more on ourselves. As we grow even older, we have to care for and be responsible for others. These burdens rest on our shoulders like weights. We have to adopt some grown up thoughts and behaviours, just so we can carry these burdens and move on. Sometimes we put down our weights and we become children again, praying and being with God.

In my youth, I used to believe that being right is the most important. Now, I believe being kind is more important. There are many ways that people can prove that they are right. There are many rights in this world. But if I make the choice to be kind, my choice will be indisputably mine. Being kind does not mean I will be a pushover and I will not stand up for myself. On the contrary, being kind means that I will put others before myself, and if I have to say something or do something, it must be for their benefit, and not just to save guard my own benefit and pleasure. If I must stand up for myself for the other person's benefit, to show him that bullying is wrong, then it is an act of kindness. It matters how I do it and why I do it. I generally hate conflicts because I hate knowing people being hurt. Others cannot be hurt, I cannot be hurt too. A lesson has to be learnt and it is beautiful if the bully can learn it in a positive way. 

I wish before I die, I can do meaningful things. I hope the footprints that I leave behind will be one of significance and of positive influence.

Book Review: Blink Once by Cylin Busby

I like this young adult novel. Good read for a teenager. It is engaging enough, not long winded, and the characters are seventeen year olds, pretty close to heart for teenage readers. I finished this book within two days.

Warning: Spoiler ahead

I like how the author keeps readers in suspense on who Olivia is. At some points, I thought she might be a ghost inhabiting the Hospital, and at other times I thought she might turn out to be a psychopath whose love will turn into hatred and she might smother West to death before he has his operation. I also like how the author weaves in short snippets of events that give us a sense of each character’s personality – the mother who believed in West until the end, the father who stayed away but who willingly return for his child, the crazy best friend who cared for West more than he showed, the teenage girlfriend who reacted to West’s coma like most any teenager would, the dedicated Nurse and the psychologist who is eager to prove the theory that she knows. The people in this story are people- not evil (except the psychopath who assaulted Oliver), not angels but normal people like you and I. I like how that story made them out to be so. West’s subtle and life-changing thoughts that gradually forms over time are clearly and vividly portrayed. I think West will grow up to be a fine young man, and he will grow old as a wise grandfatherly person. He might even volunteer or give inspirational speeches.

Someone make this book into a movie, please.

I really enjoy going to the library. As a working mother of two who takes full responsibility of the children once they are off the hands of the day-carers – their grandparents, I have a hectic schedule and limited time for self-care. Pursuing personal interests seemed like a thing of the past for me. 2011 is a life changing year for me. Ever since my first little one appeared, nothing is the same anymore. So when I walk into the library and pick up these books to read, it’s a lovely experience. I love the Zen kind of peace and calm when I walk into the library. There are information and knowledge and creativity everywhere, and the choice is mine. These books are there, calling out for me to pick them up to read. The library is a transient getaway from the home filled with chaos and noise of children – yes, I am amazed how two children can fill the house with so much chaos and noise. Unlike a bookstore, the books are free, the information and the creativity are free, which spares up so much worries for a financially tight mother. In short, I love the library.

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket – It does matter, also, what baskets you have

I read in a parenting book for parents/caregivers of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) written by psychologist Prof Elaine Aron, that children's brain are wired in childhood, mostly before 3 years old. They will be wired to categorise their experiences into “events” or into “good and bad”. People who are depressed often categorise things into “good” basket or “bad” basket. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised. They put “basketball” into the “bad basket” and they think “I am lousy because I fail at basketball.” People who are not depressed categorise experiences into “Sports”, “Academic”, “Family”, “Friends”,etc. In each category, there is good and there is bad. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised, they put “Basketball” under sports and they think “I don’t do well at basketball, maybe it’s not for me, but I have ‘academic’ and ‘family’ and ‘friends’ which I am good at in several ways.”

Most of these “wiring” happens in childhood but that does not mean it cannot happen in adulthood. It’s just that in adulthood, it is harder to change. That is why children learn new things and adapt to new environment faster than adults. If adults want to “rewire”, they have to put in more effort and in some cases, if they too emotionally affected by the childhood experiences (due to trauma or depression) they have to receive therapy to help themselves “rewire”.

The psychologist said she often see adult patients and she worked with them to re-wire their brain which requires long, dedicated therapy and of course comes with a hefty bill. She said if we, as parents, built up our children’s self-esteem and “wire their brain right” in the beginning, it can save them a lot of heartache and troubles going for therapy to get their life back in shape.

If they are regularly criticised or given a global label, eg: "You are a naughty girl!" or "You are stupid." or "Why are you always so clumsy?", these labels will encourage them to categorise all that they meet and do into the “bad” and “good” category. They will think “I am all bad because I cannot do this.” That’s why we have to change the way we say from “You are a naughty girl” to “This is a very naughty behaviour.” In this way we target the behaviour, not the person, and we can further set a target to change the behaviour.

I use this for my children and I can see the change in my daughter. My daughter is more stubborn and cannot control her temper. She often hit her brother when she’s moody or angry, even when her brother did not provoke her. I often made the mistake of saying “Mei, you are so naughty!” Now I have changed it to “Mei, hitting is a naughty behaviour. If people do naughty things, they go to naughty corner.” After making sure she understands, I’ll always hug her and explain to her. Yesterday she scratched Kieran and made him cry. She cried because I made her stand in the naughty corner. Kieran was sad but he, as kind as usual, told me to hug mei mei bcoz she was crying. I asked Kieran whether his cheek was still painful. He said, “No.” I asked whether his heart hurts. He said, “Yes.” I explained to Caitlin that if u hit people, people’s heart will hurt, even long after the physical wound stops hurting. I told her if you hit Gor gor, Gor gor will cry, I will also cry because I love Gor gor. She is better at control now. She will lose control when she’s over tired which was what happened yesterday. Caitlin may not undertand now although I hope one day, she will. But I’m sure Kieran understood that I understand him and I hope he felt understood enough to forgive and continue to love his sister.

Magical Bonding

Children have the power to weave magic into our souls. They may be mischievous and require some disciplining at times but none of their acts are done with malicious intent. In fact even the naughtiest act are done with the purest of heart. I treasure every bonding opportunity I have with them.

On sunny Saturday, we went to give mooncakes to our relatives, visit my mother in law, and let the children enjoy playing sand and playground at park near her flat. We enjoyed our day thoroughly. My brother in law drove us home. Hubby showed brother in law his new curved computer monitor. I made a DIY lantern with Kieran. At night, I hugged both my little ones to sleep.

On Sunday, we went to watch Paw Patrol live at City Square Mall, ate ice cream waffle, drink Chamomile tea, bought Iron man shirt and pants for Kieran whose pee got onto his clothes when daddy brought him to pee (I’m going to be the one to bring him to the toilet, next time we go out), bought Frisbee and swimsuit and googles for the children at Decathlon, went home for recharge and dinner, then for lantern festival organized by RC (Residential Committee). Lanterns of all shapes and colours and music light up the way. Little Caitlin was frightened when we walked along the Waterway carrying lanterns. She said the water was black and the sky was black. I carried her and spoke to her as we walk. She needed me and my closeness reassured her. She threw a big tantrum when we stop by a café to rest. She was angry that the Milo was hot, angry that I drank her Milo and angry with basically everything. She was overtired. Daddy took her aside and spoke to her firmly. Kieran cried. He tried to cover daddy’s mouth when he was speaking firmly to Caitlin. I took him away and he cried, saying that he need to go and save his sister. So both stood and cried together. It was hilarious. Hubby and I laughed despite feeling hot and frustrated.

On the way home, Caitlin had fallen asleep and we tried to keep her asleep but she woke up as we wiped her down. She giggled and played with Kieran for a while before they finally become sleepy. Kieran said he was so tired, he felt giddy. He lay beside me in bed and talked to me tiredly. Caitlin has fallen asleep. I told him to go to sleep and he would feel better tomorrow morning. He turned around to hug his bolster. I kissed his cheek and said goodnight. He hugged me and fell asleep. That was an ordinarily magical night.

On cool and breezy Monday, which is a public holiday, we woke up late, and we went to visit the children’s grand aunt at her condominium. We went swimming with the new swim suit and googles that we bought. The children both love and fear the water. Caitlin accidentally fell into the water and I scooped her up almost immediately. I read up on silent drowning and dry drowning and I’m certainly not going to take chances. I am going to keep my eyes on both as much as I could. Their gleeful faces and surprise at the almost novel experience in the water were recorded as the most pleasant memory in my mind. The memory isn’t all pleasant for Caitlin who whispered to me at night that she does not want to go swimming. Right after we pulled them out of the water to go for lunch, she had happily announced that she want to come back swimming again. I told her, “That’s because you are sad now, so you remembered the sad things about swimming. You are sad because mummy scolded you for scratching gor gor, and this made you think about sad things like falling into the water and having water in your nose during the swim. Not all that happened are sad. I caught you quickly when you fell and I hugged you tight. Remember?” I saw her lips moved up slightly in a smile, and I imagined her remembering the fun and the hug. I kissed her goodnight.

She had scratched Kieran because he was talking beside her on the bed, and she was in a bad mood. I put her in the naughty corner and hugged poor Kieran. Kieran told me to go and hug Mei mei because she was crying. I asked him does it still hurt. He said no. I asked him whether his heart hurts. He said yes. I told Mei mei, “You should not hit people or scratch people even if you are very angry. You can can voice out that you are angry but you cannot hit. When the pain goes away, the heart will still hurt. The hurt in the heart don’t go away quickly.” Kieran understood that I understand and he felt much better. I don’t know whether Mei Mei understood but I hope one day she will, and she will learn to control her temper.

We do not deal violence with violence. We don’t act on impulses. Because we are adults, we are the role models. We manage violence with love and compassion. Children’s brains are constantly learning and wiring and re-wiring to learn the ropes of the world. They have to learn through us that kind words and actions are what heals, not enforcement, punishment and violence.

I hugged both children to sleep. Mei mei was woken up by frightening nightmares a few times. I held her in my arms and she fell asleep, reassured. The nights with my beloved children are the most treasured and important. Daddy and I stressed to complete our pre-bedtime routine – the oatmilk, the brushing of teeth, changing of PJs, the 5 min allowance to play, the pee and poo, etc. Then bedtime is the magical moment. We read stories, we conjured our own stories, we chatted, we sang, we whispered secrets to each other.

I see from their eyes that they need me, they want me, they are with me, and those are enough reasons to go on.

About my preschoolers

Caitlin, my little princess is finally three. Kieran is coming to five. I've been a mother for five years. Motherhood has been a long roller coaster ride. Life is a journey of self discovery but motherhood kind of expedited the process.

A while ago, I went to Clark Quay and I had the fortune to sit by the river and watch the boats of tourists ride pass, and the colourful painted shophouses along the river banks. Life is good when there are small pockets of personal space and time here and there. Too much of it, and life will be a bore; too little of it, and life will be a chore. Hey, it rhymes! I can be a poet too. Haha!

This picture of my lovely girl smelling a rose, makes me smile. I love it when my family gets in touch with Nature. Nature brightens our hearts and lightens our loads.

Suddenly, my little boy seem such a grown up. We wouldn't be able to plan two hectic trips in a day when he was small. But now, it is much easier. He had been cooperative, even nice, and obliging throughout.

At night, when we sleep, Kieran would ensure that my head is on a pillow and that I am well settled before I sleep. He would look lovingly at his sister (although tonight, she reciprocated will a snarl and threatened to bite because she was in a cranky sleepy mood), and said "Goodnight" to his daddy. Elaine Aron said parenting a HSC has its ups and downs, and it all comes in a package, so we have got to accept it as a whole. I totally get it. I am going to embrace his uniqueness and his virtues, and work at encouraging him to overcome his fears. Hubby said if we coddle him, he won't be able to survive in the army (SG has compulsory enlistment for all SG boys, unless he wins Olympic Gold medal like J Schooling). I disagree. He's a preschooler. He has 14 years ahead of him to prepare himself for National Service (army enlistment). He will be loved and be treated as a preschooler for now. When he is ready to face the challenge, we will face it with him. We do not need to worry about him not being able to survive the harsh realities in army camps because we will be there to prepare him for it. We will be there to walk the journey with him. Let children be children, let men be men. When it is time to cuddle, we will not let the chance go by. When it is time to let go, we will do so with joy.

One day to Caitlin's 3 year old birthday

3 years ago, today, it was a day both hubby and I looked forward to. We were thrilled when we knew we were going to have a girl. We dreamt of dressing her up, tying her hair, hearing her sweet voice and cuddling her close. Caitlin was born on 2 August, morning. She completed our small family.

Caitlin was a feisty little one. She cried so loudly at the nursery that I was afraid the nurses would dislike her. Kieran meowed like a cat when he cried and he seemed easily satisfied (only in the beginning, I must clarify).

Today, Caitlin had runny nose and she was running a low grade fever. Today, was one of the saddest day in my life. I didn't know where to begin, and I didn't want to put too many negative things here so that I will continue to be reminded of the sad moments. I didn't know whether I was appreciated but I am always thinking of sacrificing myself so that my husband and/or my children will have a better and more comfortable life. It is so devastating to learn, from many months back, that no matter how much I sacrifice, my husband and my children can never have the perfect life that they ought to have. Today my husband was again, very frustrated with and got very firmed with Kieran. Kieran, being a HSP, was extremely hurt by his strict, cold and firm commands. Those words and tone of voice sounded extremely disrespectful to me. I asked him whether he would like it if I use those commanding tones and words on him every day, like what he did to our son. My husband would get physical problems almost daily and we did not know the cause after seeking advices from medical specialists. I guess he is simply not suitable to care for young children. I get exhausted with taking care of our young children, and I am appreciative of assistance from him. But now I am thinking whether it would be better if we alter our living arrangements so that he don't have to be in charge of our children's daily life. It might be better for his health and also, better for our children because then he won't be hurting them, especially Kieran who is more sensitive, more aware, more easily hurt, and whom I felt so much affinity with, because most likely, he is very like me - we feel the same way and so we hurt the same way. We are both highly sensitive. Unlike him, I have learnt to mask my high sensitivity, and found coping mechanisms to deal with the cruel and callous world. I had learnt to hate my sensitivity, and to believe that high sensitivity is weak, frail and incapable. My parents were not sensitive people and my father, the most important role model in my life, has taught me that to be sensitive is to be a weakling. Kieran is pure and innocent. He has the chance to appreciate his sensitive nature, and learn to love himself the way that I never had for myself. I recognise the importance of teaching him the ways of our world but at the same time, I do not want him to deny his uniqueness. I wish that he could learn to love his sensitivity and make use of his uniqueness to make our world a better place. "HSP are a gift to our world," Elaine Aron said. I am not sure. I wanted to say, "I wish my son would proof that statement for me." But I realised how wrong that would be. If I as a HSP, cannot proof that I am a gift to our world, how can I ask of my child to do that? I only feel like a shield now, always trying to protect my children from the harm that others unknowing project onto them.

Reflections July 2016

27 July 2016 Rainy Wednesday

Apologising is a defacto whenever mothers have to leave our children under the charge of other caretakers.

If I have to take a few hours off to run errands, for work, for personal reasons or simply for sanity’s sake, guilt is always among the top emotions running in my mind.

No matter how much fathers now share the responsibility of child-rearing, it seems that mothers are still perceived as the parent who shoulder the most responsibility in child-rearing. Even if the society does not judge us as such, mothers will naturally take a larger share of child-rearing responsibility, perhaps partially due to maternal instincts, and partially due to belief in traditional parental roles which was imbued throughout our childhood.

It sometimes seems unjust to me how husbands can leave the responsibility of child rearing to wives while they attend to other matters. How I wish I can easily leave the children to attend to other matters too. My do-to-list kept filling up - to visit the dental clinic for half yearly review, to visit the beauty salon for a long overdue facial, to start my daughter’s scrapbook which documents her growing journey from birth to one year old, to go for tea with my friends, to sort out the toys, to clean up the house, to take an afternoon off to drink tea and read a book, etc.

I used to plan for weekends. I used to get excited at events that the whole family can go. Nowadays I was too tired to think of weekend plans. When I see family event posters, I read the activity highlights and imagined how exhausting it will be to actually be involved in them. I cannot decide whether this is due to age or due to mental state. I believe most people will think the kind of life I’m leading now is tough. Whenever I felt life is tough, I will content myself with thinking that life would be tougher if I were not working - I would be physically and mentally exhausted with taking care of both children by myself, be cooking everyday, have even lesser autonomy on my time and life, and our family finances would be in trouble, having to pay for our parents’ monthly expenses, our flat mortgage, our children’s enrichment class fees, daily living expenses and transport fares. Without my work, I will be greatly deprived of intellectual stimulations, life challenges and conversations with fellow adults. In life, one can never get the best of worlds.

Love and advices

I was reading some sci fi stories of time travel. I wonder what an older me will advise the now-me. I wonder what I will advise my then-me if I could travel back in time. At this point, I do not wish to change anything about the past because my present is so lovely.

I will probably tell my then-me to save more money, don't splurge on those pretty and "feel-good" spendings that will end up as accumulations of materials in my home, and which "feel-good" factor doesn't last for more than a day at most. I will tell my then-me to try to really understand my parents instead of judging them as always being critical of myself. I will tell my then-me to persevere and that the worst and the best days in life will always be over, but the present is always the most important. I will tell my then-me that in future, I will realise that when I thought I understood and treasure life, I had in fact not understood anything about life, and not deeply felt the need to treasure it until I have my own children. Life is precious because of them. I learn to think deeply before I do because I do not think of only myself now. I think for my husband, my family, my son, my daughter, our future and our destiny together. A mother always put herself and her needs as the lowest priority. Before I become a mother, I glorified the sacrifices of a mother. After I become one, I no longer think in this way. To put my loved ones before myself is not a sacrifice, it is the most natural thing to do. If it is most natural, there is nothing to glorify. As children we accept it and we pass it on to elsewhere in the world, and we do greater things with the love that was given.

Life has a lesson. To be loved and to love. Although each of us learn it through a different way, the essence of love remains the same.

Mummy's Personal Time

Sat, 13 Feb afternoon, I went for a 3 hour break, away from the kids, and have a nice although short catch up with my close friends.

Before I left, my children said goodbye to me happily at the door. My husband was very willing to help look after our two angels while I go for a time off. It was a lovely feeling. I am eternally grateful to my husband. That was the first time I take a mummy's personal time away from the children.

Of course I would love to go on a date with hubby only, given that today is actually Valentine's Day. But I can't leave my children with my parents who are already taking care of them while husband and I go to work on weekdays. I guess we will just have to bid our time until that final day comes when we can both go on dates together again.

Now, we just count our blessings and be thankful that our parents are willing to help us care of the little angels while we work so that they do not have to go to a childcare centre for the whole day, and they enjoy the care and love from loving grandparents. I feel very comfortable leaving them in grandparents' care.

Life is not a bed of roses. However, amidst the hard times, I am glad that I always have hubby by my side. His presence is so reassuring, giving me a great sense of security, safety and love. After a tiring day at work, I brought the children home from my parents' place, and I see him at our house, doing his part to tidy up the house as I did my part to bring home our children. We were exhausted but we do not raise our voice at each other. Sometimes I was so tired that I questioned what is life really about, other than this daily torture. But at the end of the day, I lie in bed hugging my two small teddy bears, with my husband safe beside me, and I thought that is the happiest thing that could ever happen to me. Life is hard, but it is worth living, all because there is a purpose.

Love, self-sacrificing, unconditional love, add life to years.

一家人在一起才幸福

Very emo today because hubby isn't around these few days.

I'm used to having us together as a family. Like Kieran said, "一家人在一起才幸福."

I will take this chance to clean up the house and make sure everything is neat before hubby return home.

The happiest moment of my day is at night, when I have gotten the kids ready for bed, teeth brushed, clothes changed, and we tumble around together on our big family bed. Two days ago, I stayed over at my parents' place and it just didn't feel right. I refused to stay over tonight at my parents' house after a relative's wedding dinner banquet. Here at home, our cozy bedroom is our paradise, our natural habitat, and I'd love to cuddle the children, nurse my little Mei mei, throw bolster missiles at Kieran, tell them bedtime stories and give them more cuddles before it's lights out and kiss good night. They snuggle in close to me as they drift off to sleep. Sounds like a mother bear snuggling in a den with her baby cubs?

That is what 幸福 is about.

Founding Father of Singapore passed away

Today, the founding father of Singapore Lee Kuan Yew passed away.

Just want to mark this day in my blog. It will be a day to remember - 23 March 2015.

Too bad he could not see the SG50 celebration this National Day. But I think it is good that a person leave without suffering too many years of confinement in bed, pain and discomfort. My paternal grandmother left one day suddenly without being confined in bed for long. My maternal grandmother lived a longer life but she was bedridden for many years. I guess less suffering is good for both the deceased and the family members. I wonder whether the government will mark this day as a National mourning day every year?

Managing Finances

How do we manage finances in our family? My hubby works full time and I work part time. As a middle income family on a (almost) single income , managing the finances is a very important part in keeping the household happy and well run.

No Retail Therapy

Well, I'm not a fan of retail therapy, fortunately for our family, so usually when I shop, I think thrice (or more times) before I buy an item. I make a shopping list, then I buy only the necessary things. If a very pretty dress caught my eye and I would really love my daughter to have it, usually my first thoughts will be "So lovely! $29.90 is cheap!" But I will tell myself "No, think about it." After walking one round around the shopping mall, when the initial excitement wears off, the price tag does seem a bit steep for a simple dress. A few days later, if I do pass by and see the dress and I still like it, and it's on sale, maybe I'll buy it. Or maybe I'll find a cheaper and similar one elsewhere. That's how I shop. NEVER buy on impulse. And only buy what I NEED. 

Buy on iHerb

I'm a great supporter of household products that does not use animal ingredients, does not test on animals and are earth friendly. I also love to give my children organic snacks. So iHerb has a lot of such items! I basically accumulate my shopping list and buy all on one go, and sometimes Singpost has free delivery too. If you buy these items over the counter in Singapore, they are going to cost twice as much as they could have cost you on iHerb! I've bought laundry detergents, baby food, baby yogurt bites, baby biscuits, shampoos, body washes, sun blocks and diaper creams from iHerb. I read the reviews and decide on which items to get. Some are great, some not so, and I write the reviews to help other buyers too.

Buy online during Sales

I joined sprees and buy from websites like Carters during Black Friday and Christmas sales. Carters clothes cost almost half the price as they could have cost in shopping malls in Singapore. Hubby also buy things like running shoes and mobile phone covers from Amazon and Taobao. These save us a lot of money!

Buy during Sales at market stalls or hyper marts  like Giant (Tampines) and Fairprice Extra

I went Giant recently and bought boy's t shirts, pretty girl's blouses, woman's pants all at under $6 each! These places do have lots of cheap clothes with very nice designs.

Eat Home Cook

I'm a SAHM and working part time as a freelance writer so one benefit about this is I get to cook and eat home cooked food. Home cooked food is cheaper! Our family only eat organic food if we eat at home. If we were to buy organic meals outside, they will be very expensive. What comes out of this is healthier bodies for the children and for us adults, and less medical bills to pay.

Family Outing to Places with Free Entries

Places like botanical gardens have lovely sceneries, a large pond with black swans and ducks, and kid's playground, and don't change entry fees. Since we don't drive, we go by MRT or Taxi so the only cost incurred with will be transport fees. Botanical Gardens is very accessible by MRT now. Other kid friendly and free entry places are East Coast Park, Punggol WaterWay Park where there is a water play area and huge sand pit, Bishan Park where there is also water play and sand pit, and free playgrounds like the ones at NEX shopping mall and Marina Square shopping mall.

Don't save on Children's Education, Health, and Parents' welfare 

When we decided to have a family of our own, we already subconsciously gave up many of the luxuries we could enjoy when we were still single. Hubby's love of gadgets, photography and travels my love of violin, beautiful clothes and cafe hopping... all these will have to be second or third or fourth in priority. While we are stingy on ourselves, we don't save on several things. We gladly spend on children's education. As I embraced the Waldorf philosophy of no academic teachings before seven years old (or at least no pressure on children to perform in academic area before seven), we don't give in to marketing tactics of enrichment classes like Berries or I Can Read or Phonics classes etc. But we take Kieran to Yamaha's music lesson which he enjoys and which is blessed with a very engaging and passionate music teacher, and I buy many picture books and pre-writing books and colouring and painting materials for us to play with at home. Books are things we don't save on.

Health is important so we believe that if the children need to see TCM to get them back to good health, we will see a practitioner no matter how expensive it cost, and we must not save on good, whole food. Organic food is expensive and cooking at home can be tiring but it must never be replaced with unhealthy and easier alternatives, although we do eat out at times. In Singapore where eating out is so easily available, it can be a very attractive alternative. But we try to make eating at home at habit. We also cook healthy soup for the whole family. Soup therapy is very important for good health. One thing we are against in is supplementing. At least I am against it. If we eat healthily, there's no need for supplementing. I do take supplements when I am pregnant and breastfeeding for the first year, but now, I reduce supplementing to just calcium pills and vegetarian DHA, and I don't think I will buy them anymore after I'm done with the current bottles. I never buy into the pushy marketing tactics of expensive supplement companies, especially MLMs.

I won't spend on many things like dining at Yakun Kaya if I'm alone, and I won't buy certain things for myself but if they are for my parents or parents in law, I will buy them. Parents' welfare some times mean their mental wellbeing and its good for them to know their children are willing to spend a bit more for them.

If...

I was discussing with hubby, a few days ago, if we did not have the children, what would we be doing?

I will be still obsessed with The Sims.

In the morning, I will struggle to get up to go to work.

In the office, I will do my work, drink tea and eat cakes while I work, I will check Facebook and chat on whatsapp and gossips about stuff and complain about stuff and talk about dreams and the next holiday destination.

During lunch, I will eat with colleagues or ex colleagues and chat and discuss about life and work.

After lunch, I will battle with Z monster and whatsapp hubby to ask him what's the plan for the coming weekend. I may get into debates and quarrels with hubby over why he's not spending enough time on me.

Then there's some tea time and biscuits and cakes, when I gorge myself with sweet food to ease the stress and the boredom, and worry about becoming fat.

After knock off time, I may stay back a bit to finish up a bit of stuff and then tidy up, and then go out to meet hubby for dinner, or go home to cook some stuff and eat with hubby, or go to either his parents or my parents' place for dinner.

We chat about work stuff and gossips while at dinner. We talk to our family members about work stuff.

We make plans for holidays and check up on latest promotion.

We may do grocery shopping at 24 hour NTUC Fairprice after dinner, before taking a cab home.

We may grab a late night movie at NEX or AMK Hub because its Friday night and the night is still young!

We may spend some time chilling out at a cafe nearby and do some reading.

We may do some window shopping after work, after dinner, if we eat out, before we head home to shower and sleep.

I will buy lots of fashionable dress and work blouses and pants and skirts.

I will be able to afford luxurious skin care and facial and spa packages, and the salesgirls will know I'm their target customer.

I will buy and buy because, well, I can afford a little of pleasure and gifts for myself. I will also buy gifts for friends, and family and hubby.

After midnight, like now, I won't be trying to finish up work. I'd be playing The Sims, or Sims City or some other time management/ city management games.

Well, that's not going to happen.

Because...

Anything late night is pure luxury.

Anything that's not home cooked is not healthy (for the dear children especially)

Movie? Wait 10 years later or until we have a really good one that we are dying to watch, and the nearby cinema shows it, and the kids are not sick or cranky, and the grandparents agree to watch over them while we watch the movie, and we are lucky that the grandparents won't complain of us enjoying while they help us. Too many conditions to fulfil. I might as well not watch lah.

Shopping? No money. In the past, $10 seems cheap. Now $10 item, I need to consider thrice before deciding to buy.

Gifts for people? When I really really can afford to spare and there's sale. Other working parents buy lots of clothes for the children, but me? I just buy the on sale ones and the necessary ones.

Facial? Skin care? I put that as lowest priority.

Holiday? Dream on. I plan on stay cations for the next few years. Heck, even visiting a mall in town requires hours of careful planning.

After work, if I do work in an office, is rushing home to feed the kids, bathe the kids, make sure they are well, read them books, play and then sleep together.

I guess we'll all be too dead beat to do anything else.

Slow...

The days pass by exceedingly slow.

I'm pretty stuck on the romances and drama of my favourite genre, stories in the 19th century England. I watch Downton Abbey, read Longbourne and Pride and Prejudice, and I've discovered a list of this genre of books to read.

Sometimes I wonder how it is like to be in the shoes of those elegant young ladies in those days, whose mere purpose in life is to marry a man who will provide her with wealthy, or if not, sufficient establishment. How it is like to be having nothing much to do all day but to dress up and travel from country to London and back and to spend months at a place on holidays and then spend the next few months at another visiting friends or relatives, and to spend the days at tea parties, dinner parties, and so on. Life will then really be incredulously slow. Even if they have babies, like I do now, they won't be so confined and busy and tired, as the housemaids and nannies will do all the job, and they just have to rest and lament the lost figure and the perceived fatigue and the whatever stuff they have to lament about.

Oh and I'm so looking forward to the birthday celebration of darling hubby. He has been a great daddy and hubby and he deserves a day of niceties. We plan to go for lunch and ice cream, and we'll have to bring Caitlin along because after her serious fall when we left her at mother in law's place for a few minutes, I won't trust her to be left anywhere. Not the fault of anyone, but caring for a baby and an active toddler will be too much for anyone. Anyone except me, actually, because well, I gave birth to them so they are essentially my problems, so if no one else can care for them together with me, I'll have to do it, and if I can't cope, hubby have to take leave. That's part and parcel of parenthood.

Sometimes when I watch cartoons, Postman Fred with that silly black cat, Mia the Bee, Noddy in Toyland, etc with my son, I enjoy it so much and hope so much that our world is like theirs- so pure, so innocent, people don't die, don't get old, don't get sick, seldom get irritated and if there are any disputes, people usually resolve it within an episode, with a hug and a kiss and a sorry and a smile.

Reflections

Sometimes, in the midst of all the business of daily routine, which includes crying and screaming baby wanting milk, wanting to be carried and held and hugged instead of sitting down to explore the toys, and toddler rolling on the floor crying for attention at the same time, and the spilt drink on the floor needing to be cleaned before the ants smell it and come, and the sweltering hot weather that makes my t-shirt and stray hair stick to my perspiring back and neck, and the vegetables which need to be cut and the rice which needs to be washed for lunch and the clothes to be washed before it fills the laundry basket to the brim... I wonder why in the world, when I was still young and ignorant about the life of a married housewife, didn't my parents warn me against having children?

That is just sometimes. Definitely.

Sometimes, Kieran makes me laugh, and sometimes, I get a minute or two to enjoy a shower or a cup of tea while I watch my latest craze, Downton Abbey, or read a book. I just finished Longbourne and I realised, after reading it, that I should be reading Pride and Prejudice too.

I'm glad my hubby is helpful. Unfortunately as working parent in Singapore, its difficult to spend much time with the family. I wonder if I start full time work too, would I start to be distant from my children?

I'm feeling a little jittery today. Maybe its because of the tea this morning. Maybe I'm just not feeling quite right.

Last post of 2013

Goodbye 2013. In a few minutes, I'll be saying hello to 2014.

If there is two parts to my life, Part 1 was before the birth of my child Kieran, before I became a mother, and Part 2 begun in the evening of 10 Oct 2011 when I officially became a mother.

Why did I say that? Because this event drastically changed me - My outlook on life, my mindset about parenting, about babies, children, about my role in this world and in my family... I became hysterical, emotional, my mood swung on highs and lows like a roller coaster, and although I had once firmly believed I was damn prepared for parenthood with all the stuff I read, and all the knowledge I have in my brains, and all the determination I have in my heart... when the real things happened, it happened like a tsunami swarmed across the beach, sweeping away what little faith I have in myself, washing away whatever false confidence and wishful thinking I once had. And so I finally declare - I was not at all prepared for parenthood. For it is not something you could prepare for. It is not something you could imagine about before you actually experience it.

Between 2011 and 2013, when I gave birth to two lovely babies, there's only one word to describe me and my hysterical, and fierce and sometimes irrational behaviour.

Lioness.

I'm like a lioness protecting her cubs. I act on instincts. I am gentle on my lovely cubs but I glare at anyone who dares come near. Every single person are potential threats to my babies, and I will not hesitate to rip off their throats if they dare lay a finger on my babies. Yeah man. And I'm so stupid to be like that.

I started off being very determined on being successful in breastfeeding. I lived in a society with a generation of elders who are clueless about breastfeeding, used to formula milk and bottle feeding, brain washed by marketers to use formula milk, and do not have any experiences in breastfeeding or even watched mothers breastfeed. But we are now told breast milk is the best gift any mothers could give their darling babies. So I closed my mind to all interferences with my breastfeeding attempt. I was extremely protective, both of my child and of my mind. If I allowed one doubt to seep through the barrier and caused my stand to waver, it could affect my determination, I may give up breastfeeding, or my milk supply may dwindle because what determines the supply is in our brain and not only our physical health. So this mindset is really useful and I really am super successful in breastfeeding.

But it is no longer useful now. Nobody questioned my ability or capability in breastfeeding now that I'm doing it the second time. Elders take for granted that I will breastfeed my second one successfully too, and I did. Problem is my older child is past the breastfeeding age. He has long weaned off breast milk (unfortunately) and he is no longer protected by the antibodies in my milk. Suddenly, I have to face a whole new set of problems. My poor precious Kieran was having influx of weaknesses, episodes of flu, etc... It was so much to bear that I locked myself in a state of denial. No, my child cannot be like that. Before he's 18 months old, he's such a healthy baby! Even if he had flu, his fever never lasted more than 2 days and he seldom had flu and stomach problems.

Many people advised ways to increase his immunity and prevent "heatiness" and ways to prevent him from catching viruses but I didn't quite bothered to listen. Because I had my own ways of parenting, and my own ways of caring for children, and if I had listened to those "rubbish" I would have doubted myself and my breastfeeding efforts would have failed, right? I was always right, right? I desperately needed to change my mindset and allow new information to change how I parent and care for the children, but I didn't know that I have to, and so I struggled a lot when I obstinately clung on to old ways of doing things.

My children and I suffered much. 2013 was a year of horror and I had multiple depressive moods. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I had great times and I had really horrible times. My son was hospitalised for high fever with seizure in early December and just before Christmas, he caught flu again. It was very sad for hubby and me as parents, the grandparents had tough time coming to help, especially my parents, and I felt like a total failure. My whole family fell sick. I had fever which I never had since I had Kieran. Now, my Caitlin is still having cough but we are all recovering. As I declared 2013 the worst year I've ever lived, I am apprehensive that 2014 will be another (more) tormenting year. No matter what, what will come, will come. And me... I just have to brace myself for any tsunamis coming my way.

Edited on 23 October 2014.
Postscript: It is now near the end of 2014, and nope, 2014 is NOT a more tormenting year, in fact it is rather good. Yeah! But still, a dark cloud looms over us in the form of Ebola threat. I hope we will not face another SARS. I still remember the horrible ordeal Singapore went through. Now that I can children myself, I care more about the world and our future. May God bless us!

no time

I would like to blog about breastfeeding for the second time.

I would like to blog about handling a toddler and a baby.

But no time... no time...

I have so many things on my mind but when I look at my blog, I dunno which to write first really.

Sigh.

Caitlin is 3 months 24 days now and starting to hold her head up during tummy time. Stronger neck muscles. And these 2 weeks, she has been trying to talk to us all the time when we talk to her. I love her sweet little voice talking and talking and looking as if she really is communicating with me. She also attempted to flip over.

Kieran is 25 months and 16 days old. He's a darling. He's naughty like all toddler is. But his smile light up my day and he's activeness keeps my energy high. In other words, he makes me exhausted too. Toilet training fails. I wonder how I can train this little boy to pee in the toilet. Another sigh. He loves to do everything by himself now - Feeding, wearing shoes, washing his fruits, even when singing, he will tell us not to sing with him but let him sing himself. This mischievous but adorable and huggable little monkey! My dear love.

Oh and I'm constantly at fear of being pregnant with a number 3. I think if I kanna pregnancy again, I'm so gonna kill myself! Babies are darlings but the pregnancy journey is horrendously tiring and uncomfortable, and once they are born, they will be burden to everyone around us. Yes, I'm sorry I think that way but they definitely will become a burden. Imagine my parents and my mother in law can enjoy free time by themselves but they couldn't because they will have to help out when I have a newborn (coz there are 2 other kids around already and my hands will be full). And poor hubby will have to help out carrying baby, feeding baby, changing diaper, at night after a day of work. When I saw him yawning and taking care of baby number 2, I felt so sorry for him, but I couldn't help him because I was exhausted too. No no... this possibility is scary. Twice, I woke up with nightmares that I have a number 3 and once, I thought its real and my heart was pounding with fear. It took awhile for me to realise that it's a dream. Now I have some bloated feeling and sharp pain at lower abdomen and this makes me fear that its pregnancy signs. I just bought a pack of pregnancy test kit online. I'm gonna test regularly, just to be sure.