First Day of School for Kieran and Caitlin

2 January 2018 was an exciting and nerve-wrecking first day of school for Kieran and Caitlin - exciting for the children and nerve-wrecking for me. The night before, I could not sleep and it was very cold. In the morning, I snoozed the alarm clock and guess what, the next moment I opened my eyes, the sky was bright and I remembered lying in bed and wondering... "is the sky supposed to be so blue and bright?" Then I eyes wandered to the wall clock which read 7.25am... they lingered on for awhile before the word "Late!" screamed and resonated in every cells of my body. Yeah, it sounded rather dramatic but yes, that was exactly how I felt. So I jumped up, woke hubby who looked equally shocked, grabbed my groggy little Kieran, brushed his teeth, gave him milk, and hubby and Kieran were out the door in 5 minutes. Then I went to prepare Caitlin and called hubby to help send her to school after he sent Kieran. Fortunately, Kieran's Primary school is just across the road from our home and Caitlin's school is a short walk away. Phew... With some positive vibes and quick actions, the day went on pretty well. We even managed to gather lots of nice pictures of them!

Here's one of them together before they go into the school gate on the second day of school (because first day of school morning was too rush for a picture of them together).

On the second day of school, we received invitation to download the Class messenger and a welcome letter from his Form Teacher and Co-Form Teacher with their email addresses. We are glad that there are now more modes of communication between home and school compared to when I was a Primary school student. I also joined the parent chat group in Whatsapp and we shared lots of feedback to keep each other updated. Our wish for Kieran who has now entered formal schooling, is that he will enjoy going to school, develop strong friendship with his friends and teachers, and continue to hone his keenness and joy for learning and exploring new ideas. He has come so far from that reserved little creature hiding within his shells. My wish for myself is to be more chill, learn to relax and not get over-stressed about the children's well-being, always leave work on time so that I can reach home early and guide the children in their homework and have heart to heart chats with them, and of course to wake up in time for EVERY school morning.

Kieran has a no-tear beginning in his Kindergarten, and he did not cry at all in Primary school. Caitlin has a relatively tearless beginning as well. I believe starting the children late for school helps a lot. They both begin school when they are five years old. At this age, they are ready for healthy separation from caregivers and they have formed strong attachment with us and their day time caregivers, my parents. They are ready to explore beyond that safe home environment, curious about their surroundings, and eager to forge friendships and bonds with teachers and classmates. Against all odds, we made the decision to start education late for our children. Pretty unusual for Singaporeans. Academic is not the most important in our minds although I know my children will most likely be ardent readers and academically strong as their characters seem very close to my hubby and mine. Kieran, especially, if I'm not wrong, because he seems to have an unusual thinking process, very good memory, and he reads rather proficiently at this age. I remembered I brought the children to my friend's house for a playdate. The children were at the void deck, playing with a Roller Racer (ride on toy car) but he's more interested in the striking red, round fruits at the bottom of several wayside trees. He told me he wanted to step on one, squash it and see how it's like inside, and he's wondering whether it's edible, poisonous or whether the birds eat it (I told him that if birds eat the fruits, most likely humans can too). Then the children went up and all the girls took shower together. My girl squealed with delight at showering (and playing water) with the other girls. He stood at a corner, refused to take off his clothes, insisted to shower alone. Later, I asked Caitlin if it was fun and Kieran commented on the silliness of it all.

One problem I find myself having is I love my children so much that I tend to tell others we met about them without realising it. Today, I rambled on about Kieran to a friend and he was sitting beside me. I stopped myself in time and then I looked at Kieran, wondering if he's upset. It seemed like he's ok but I don't think I should do that at all. Somethings are meant to be between the child and mother and as parents, we do need to respect their privacy and share with others only what they agree should be shared. I shall be more mindful of that in future.

The first week of school has ended. Let's look forward to the second week, where formal lesson begins. Oh gosh... Where is that timetable? We need to start packing the bag according to timetable now...

The two loves of my life

Kieran is the love of my life. 

We, as parents may experience unconditional love for our children the moment they are born. But children also give us unconditional love in more ways than we expect.

Today I felt sad for some reason. I guessed it was apparent that I looked sad. Kieran was playing his lego and I told him to come play the piano. He was reluctant. He paused as he considered and told me there are two "forces" in him, one said go and practice piano, one said continue to play. He said the force that said continue to play is stronger. I proceeded to explain to him the consequences of choosing to listen to either "force". I wanted to say if he choose the force that said practice piano, firstly, mummy will be happy, secondly, he will be gaining the knowledge and experience in his brain to play better. If he choose the force that said continue to play, firstly mummy will be sad and secondly, his brain will not learn anything substantial and will only learn playing with lego. But he did not need all these explanation. The moment he heard "mummy will be happy", he immediately ran over to the piano and get ready to practice. I was so touched. I told him all the reasons anyway n I taught him the starting notes for "Starwars main theme" after we practice the Yamaha JMC homework. I said thank you and hugged him afterwards. And allowed him to go back to his creative lego world.

Later, before we slept, Kieran saw that I was still unhappy (although I tried not to appear so, you really can't hide from a HSC), and he told me, mummy if you are feeling unhappy, take a deep breath- breathe in, breathe out. Try try! Now, do you feel better? I said yes and laughed and we asked who taught him that? He said his teacher did. So thankful that he learnt this in school.

Caitlin is the cutest little love of my life. She would talk in the cutest way. When she saw small adorable animals in the Zoo, she squealed and cock her head to a side, and said "I feel like pinching their chubby cheeks and say so cute!"

When she saw that I was sad, she won't say much. She will just give me a kiss on the cheek to drive the sadness away. I love her thoughtfulness and her sensitivity to my feelings.

What I like about her most is her orderliness and her independence. She would keep the toys in order and eat her meals eagerly.

She likes to pretend that she's still a baby and she will snuggle up to me and pretend to cry like a baby. I enjoy it. I want to snuggle and cuddle and coddle my lovely children for as long as possible. I tell them they were loved the moment they were conceived in my tummy.

Caitlin looked at my reproachfully and said I scolded her many times and she was sad when I scolded her. I hugged her and told her not to just remember those times that we scolded her but remember those sweet moments we enjoyed together, that mummy kissed and hugged and took care of her. She hugged me and smiled.

What sensible and beautiful children I have.

Kieran’s 5th Birthday

Today is Kieran’s fifth birthday. As I am writing this, he must have given away the birthday goodie bags to his classmates and has met my mom who is bringing him home from school. We celebrated his birthday last weekend and he had a really great time enjoying the company, the ice cream cake, goodies and presents!

Kieran’s birthday is the most significant for me because it means that I am a mother for the fifth year. On this very day, five years ago, my perspective on life changed considerably.

How I wish I can fit work into my schedule instead of family life around my fixed working hours. Perhaps one day, the world will recognise the need for an all-rounded life for all workers. Perhaps one day, the world will glorify and empathise with the role of mothers.

It is unbelievable how long we have come on this journey. I wish the best of health and the most peaceful of mind to my loveliest children, and I wish blessings on the children of this world, who are the future of this world we love.

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket – It does matter, also, what baskets you have

I read in a parenting book for parents/caregivers of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) written by psychologist Prof Elaine Aron, that children's brain are wired in childhood, mostly before 3 years old. They will be wired to categorise their experiences into “events” or into “good and bad”. People who are depressed often categorise things into “good” basket or “bad” basket. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised. They put “basketball” into the “bad basket” and they think “I am lousy because I fail at basketball.” People who are not depressed categorise experiences into “Sports”, “Academic”, “Family”, “Friends”,etc. In each category, there is good and there is bad. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised, they put “Basketball” under sports and they think “I don’t do well at basketball, maybe it’s not for me, but I have ‘academic’ and ‘family’ and ‘friends’ which I am good at in several ways.”

Most of these “wiring” happens in childhood but that does not mean it cannot happen in adulthood. It’s just that in adulthood, it is harder to change. That is why children learn new things and adapt to new environment faster than adults. If adults want to “rewire”, they have to put in more effort and in some cases, if they too emotionally affected by the childhood experiences (due to trauma or depression) they have to receive therapy to help themselves “rewire”.

The psychologist said she often see adult patients and she worked with them to re-wire their brain which requires long, dedicated therapy and of course comes with a hefty bill. She said if we, as parents, built up our children’s self-esteem and “wire their brain right” in the beginning, it can save them a lot of heartache and troubles going for therapy to get their life back in shape.

If they are regularly criticised or given a global label, eg: "You are a naughty girl!" or "You are stupid." or "Why are you always so clumsy?", these labels will encourage them to categorise all that they meet and do into the “bad” and “good” category. They will think “I am all bad because I cannot do this.” That’s why we have to change the way we say from “You are a naughty girl” to “This is a very naughty behaviour.” In this way we target the behaviour, not the person, and we can further set a target to change the behaviour.

I use this for my children and I can see the change in my daughter. My daughter is more stubborn and cannot control her temper. She often hit her brother when she’s moody or angry, even when her brother did not provoke her. I often made the mistake of saying “Mei, you are so naughty!” Now I have changed it to “Mei, hitting is a naughty behaviour. If people do naughty things, they go to naughty corner.” After making sure she understands, I’ll always hug her and explain to her. Yesterday she scratched Kieran and made him cry. She cried because I made her stand in the naughty corner. Kieran was sad but he, as kind as usual, told me to hug mei mei bcoz she was crying. I asked Kieran whether his cheek was still painful. He said, “No.” I asked whether his heart hurts. He said, “Yes.” I explained to Caitlin that if u hit people, people’s heart will hurt, even long after the physical wound stops hurting. I told her if you hit Gor gor, Gor gor will cry, I will also cry because I love Gor gor. She is better at control now. She will lose control when she’s over tired which was what happened yesterday. Caitlin may not undertand now although I hope one day, she will. But I’m sure Kieran understood that I understand him and I hope he felt understood enough to forgive and continue to love his sister.

Magical Bonding

Children have the power to weave magic into our souls. They may be mischievous and require some disciplining at times but none of their acts are done with malicious intent. In fact even the naughtiest act are done with the purest of heart. I treasure every bonding opportunity I have with them.

On sunny Saturday, we went to give mooncakes to our relatives, visit my mother in law, and let the children enjoy playing sand and playground at park near her flat. We enjoyed our day thoroughly. My brother in law drove us home. Hubby showed brother in law his new curved computer monitor. I made a DIY lantern with Kieran. At night, I hugged both my little ones to sleep.

On Sunday, we went to watch Paw Patrol live at City Square Mall, ate ice cream waffle, drink Chamomile tea, bought Iron man shirt and pants for Kieran whose pee got onto his clothes when daddy brought him to pee (I’m going to be the one to bring him to the toilet, next time we go out), bought Frisbee and swimsuit and googles for the children at Decathlon, went home for recharge and dinner, then for lantern festival organized by RC (Residential Committee). Lanterns of all shapes and colours and music light up the way. Little Caitlin was frightened when we walked along the Waterway carrying lanterns. She said the water was black and the sky was black. I carried her and spoke to her as we walk. She needed me and my closeness reassured her. She threw a big tantrum when we stop by a café to rest. She was angry that the Milo was hot, angry that I drank her Milo and angry with basically everything. She was overtired. Daddy took her aside and spoke to her firmly. Kieran cried. He tried to cover daddy’s mouth when he was speaking firmly to Caitlin. I took him away and he cried, saying that he need to go and save his sister. So both stood and cried together. It was hilarious. Hubby and I laughed despite feeling hot and frustrated.

On the way home, Caitlin had fallen asleep and we tried to keep her asleep but she woke up as we wiped her down. She giggled and played with Kieran for a while before they finally become sleepy. Kieran said he was so tired, he felt giddy. He lay beside me in bed and talked to me tiredly. Caitlin has fallen asleep. I told him to go to sleep and he would feel better tomorrow morning. He turned around to hug his bolster. I kissed his cheek and said goodnight. He hugged me and fell asleep. That was an ordinarily magical night.

On cool and breezy Monday, which is a public holiday, we woke up late, and we went to visit the children’s grand aunt at her condominium. We went swimming with the new swim suit and googles that we bought. The children both love and fear the water. Caitlin accidentally fell into the water and I scooped her up almost immediately. I read up on silent drowning and dry drowning and I’m certainly not going to take chances. I am going to keep my eyes on both as much as I could. Their gleeful faces and surprise at the almost novel experience in the water were recorded as the most pleasant memory in my mind. The memory isn’t all pleasant for Caitlin who whispered to me at night that she does not want to go swimming. Right after we pulled them out of the water to go for lunch, she had happily announced that she want to come back swimming again. I told her, “That’s because you are sad now, so you remembered the sad things about swimming. You are sad because mummy scolded you for scratching gor gor, and this made you think about sad things like falling into the water and having water in your nose during the swim. Not all that happened are sad. I caught you quickly when you fell and I hugged you tight. Remember?” I saw her lips moved up slightly in a smile, and I imagined her remembering the fun and the hug. I kissed her goodnight.

She had scratched Kieran because he was talking beside her on the bed, and she was in a bad mood. I put her in the naughty corner and hugged poor Kieran. Kieran told me to go and hug Mei mei because she was crying. I asked him does it still hurt. He said no. I asked him whether his heart hurts. He said yes. I told Mei mei, “You should not hit people or scratch people even if you are very angry. You can can voice out that you are angry but you cannot hit. When the pain goes away, the heart will still hurt. The hurt in the heart don’t go away quickly.” Kieran understood that I understand and he felt much better. I don’t know whether Mei Mei understood but I hope one day she will, and she will learn to control her temper.

We do not deal violence with violence. We don’t act on impulses. Because we are adults, we are the role models. We manage violence with love and compassion. Children’s brains are constantly learning and wiring and re-wiring to learn the ropes of the world. They have to learn through us that kind words and actions are what heals, not enforcement, punishment and violence.

I hugged both children to sleep. Mei mei was woken up by frightening nightmares a few times. I held her in my arms and she fell asleep, reassured. The nights with my beloved children are the most treasured and important. Daddy and I stressed to complete our pre-bedtime routine – the oatmilk, the brushing of teeth, changing of PJs, the 5 min allowance to play, the pee and poo, etc. Then bedtime is the magical moment. We read stories, we conjured our own stories, we chatted, we sang, we whispered secrets to each other.

I see from their eyes that they need me, they want me, they are with me, and those are enough reasons to go on.

One day to Caitlin's 3 year old birthday

3 years ago, today, it was a day both hubby and I looked forward to. We were thrilled when we knew we were going to have a girl. We dreamt of dressing her up, tying her hair, hearing her sweet voice and cuddling her close. Caitlin was born on 2 August, morning. She completed our small family.

Caitlin was a feisty little one. She cried so loudly at the nursery that I was afraid the nurses would dislike her. Kieran meowed like a cat when he cried and he seemed easily satisfied (only in the beginning, I must clarify).

Today, Caitlin had runny nose and she was running a low grade fever. Today, was one of the saddest day in my life. I didn't know where to begin, and I didn't want to put too many negative things here so that I will continue to be reminded of the sad moments. I didn't know whether I was appreciated but I am always thinking of sacrificing myself so that my husband and/or my children will have a better and more comfortable life. It is so devastating to learn, from many months back, that no matter how much I sacrifice, my husband and my children can never have the perfect life that they ought to have. Today my husband was again, very frustrated with and got very firmed with Kieran. Kieran, being a HSP, was extremely hurt by his strict, cold and firm commands. Those words and tone of voice sounded extremely disrespectful to me. I asked him whether he would like it if I use those commanding tones and words on him every day, like what he did to our son. My husband would get physical problems almost daily and we did not know the cause after seeking advices from medical specialists. I guess he is simply not suitable to care for young children. I get exhausted with taking care of our young children, and I am appreciative of assistance from him. But now I am thinking whether it would be better if we alter our living arrangements so that he don't have to be in charge of our children's daily life. It might be better for his health and also, better for our children because then he won't be hurting them, especially Kieran who is more sensitive, more aware, more easily hurt, and whom I felt so much affinity with, because most likely, he is very like me - we feel the same way and so we hurt the same way. We are both highly sensitive. Unlike him, I have learnt to mask my high sensitivity, and found coping mechanisms to deal with the cruel and callous world. I had learnt to hate my sensitivity, and to believe that high sensitivity is weak, frail and incapable. My parents were not sensitive people and my father, the most important role model in my life, has taught me that to be sensitive is to be a weakling. Kieran is pure and innocent. He has the chance to appreciate his sensitive nature, and learn to love himself the way that I never had for myself. I recognise the importance of teaching him the ways of our world but at the same time, I do not want him to deny his uniqueness. I wish that he could learn to love his sensitivity and make use of his uniqueness to make our world a better place. "HSP are a gift to our world," Elaine Aron said. I am not sure. I wanted to say, "I wish my son would proof that statement for me." But I realised how wrong that would be. If I as a HSP, cannot proof that I am a gift to our world, how can I ask of my child to do that? I only feel like a shield now, always trying to protect my children from the harm that others unknowing project onto them.

Reflections July 2016

27 July 2016 Rainy Wednesday

Apologising is a defacto whenever mothers have to leave our children under the charge of other caretakers.

If I have to take a few hours off to run errands, for work, for personal reasons or simply for sanity’s sake, guilt is always among the top emotions running in my mind.

No matter how much fathers now share the responsibility of child-rearing, it seems that mothers are still perceived as the parent who shoulder the most responsibility in child-rearing. Even if the society does not judge us as such, mothers will naturally take a larger share of child-rearing responsibility, perhaps partially due to maternal instincts, and partially due to belief in traditional parental roles which was imbued throughout our childhood.

It sometimes seems unjust to me how husbands can leave the responsibility of child rearing to wives while they attend to other matters. How I wish I can easily leave the children to attend to other matters too. My do-to-list kept filling up - to visit the dental clinic for half yearly review, to visit the beauty salon for a long overdue facial, to start my daughter’s scrapbook which documents her growing journey from birth to one year old, to go for tea with my friends, to sort out the toys, to clean up the house, to take an afternoon off to drink tea and read a book, etc.

I used to plan for weekends. I used to get excited at events that the whole family can go. Nowadays I was too tired to think of weekend plans. When I see family event posters, I read the activity highlights and imagined how exhausting it will be to actually be involved in them. I cannot decide whether this is due to age or due to mental state. I believe most people will think the kind of life I’m leading now is tough. Whenever I felt life is tough, I will content myself with thinking that life would be tougher if I were not working - I would be physically and mentally exhausted with taking care of both children by myself, be cooking everyday, have even lesser autonomy on my time and life, and our family finances would be in trouble, having to pay for our parents’ monthly expenses, our flat mortgage, our children’s enrichment class fees, daily living expenses and transport fares. Without my work, I will be greatly deprived of intellectual stimulations, life challenges and conversations with fellow adults. In life, one can never get the best of worlds.

Mothering

The thing about being a mother is that we are always worrying about our children. I have been telling myself to relax but I really can't. If my child shows a slight indiction that he may be developing a fever, I will panic, and if my child gets a tooth cavity, I will see it as an indication that I am a bad mother, that I haven't been taking good care of the children. Care for the children is never enough. There's always more to be done, more to do, more to perfect, and so on.

Top items in my worry list are now Caitlin's front teeth cavity and Kieran's phonics. I'm trying to see if I can help her teeth remineralise by giving her the appropriate vitamins and starting her on fluoride and xylitol brushing since she now can spit out after gargling. Caitlin is a stubborn and fiery little one. Getting her to accept me brushing her teeth is like fighting a battle with her. I have found a way to get her to cooperate a little bit more, which is to let her watch an iPhone app of a cute panda brushing his teeth and then gargling. I can set the brushing timer to as long as I like. She finds it interesting and often laughs at the silly panda, so I place the phone with the app running in front of the wash basin and coax her into brushing. If she struggles, then well, I have to keep brushing despite her cries. It's sad to see her struggling twice or thrice (sometimes I brush her teeth in the afternoons if we are not outside) everyday during toothbrushing but that is better then seeing more cavities on her teeth. She has about 5 small but noticeable ones on the front teeth. The back molars look alright and all of her lower set of teeth are nice. I don't know how the decay only happens on the front ones.

Kieran is now learning very fast and to help him absorb the good stuff, I'm reading a lot to him, teaching him to recognise simple Chinese words, and to learn to write simple letters and strokes. He's progressing at a snail speed but at least there's progress and he won't go to Kindergarten next year not knowing anything. I'm also teaching him phonics myself using this teaching tool: The ordinary parent's guide to teaching reading. There's an audio companion which I borrowed from the library. While teaching, I also learn valuable lessons on phonics. I'm convinced that phonics help young children read better, and he has to read, otherwise he can't even understand math problems at Primary One. If he don't finish learning phonics by K1, he will confuse it with Han Yu Pin Yin that he will learn in K2.

So being a mother, we have no time to relax. My favourite way to "relax" is sipping hot, bitter-sweet black tea in a cooling air conditioned room, away from the suffocating heat in the rest of the house, and temporarily away from that forever "Mama! Mama!". Sweet black tea works wonder for my soul. 苦中作樂，因為人生就是甜中帶苦，苦中帶甜。

If...

I was discussing with hubby, a few days ago, if we did not have the children, what would we be doing?

I will be still obsessed with The Sims.

In the morning, I will struggle to get up to go to work.

In the office, I will do my work, drink tea and eat cakes while I work, I will check Facebook and chat on whatsapp and gossips about stuff and complain about stuff and talk about dreams and the next holiday destination.

During lunch, I will eat with colleagues or ex colleagues and chat and discuss about life and work.

After lunch, I will battle with Z monster and whatsapp hubby to ask him what's the plan for the coming weekend. I may get into debates and quarrels with hubby over why he's not spending enough time on me.

Then there's some tea time and biscuits and cakes, when I gorge myself with sweet food to ease the stress and the boredom, and worry about becoming fat.

After knock off time, I may stay back a bit to finish up a bit of stuff and then tidy up, and then go out to meet hubby for dinner, or go home to cook some stuff and eat with hubby, or go to either his parents or my parents' place for dinner.

We chat about work stuff and gossips while at dinner. We talk to our family members about work stuff.

We make plans for holidays and check up on latest promotion.

We may do grocery shopping at 24 hour NTUC Fairprice after dinner, before taking a cab home.

We may grab a late night movie at NEX or AMK Hub because its Friday night and the night is still young!

We may spend some time chilling out at a cafe nearby and do some reading.

We may do some window shopping after work, after dinner, if we eat out, before we head home to shower and sleep.

I will buy lots of fashionable dress and work blouses and pants and skirts.

I will be able to afford luxurious skin care and facial and spa packages, and the salesgirls will know I'm their target customer.

I will buy and buy because, well, I can afford a little of pleasure and gifts for myself. I will also buy gifts for friends, and family and hubby.

After midnight, like now, I won't be trying to finish up work. I'd be playing The Sims, or Sims City or some other time management/ city management games.

Well, that's not going to happen.

Because...

Anything late night is pure luxury.

Anything that's not home cooked is not healthy (for the dear children especially)

Movie? Wait 10 years later or until we have a really good one that we are dying to watch, and the nearby cinema shows it, and the kids are not sick or cranky, and the grandparents agree to watch over them while we watch the movie, and we are lucky that the grandparents won't complain of us enjoying while they help us. Too many conditions to fulfil. I might as well not watch lah.

Shopping? No money. In the past, $10 seems cheap. Now $10 item, I need to consider thrice before deciding to buy.

Gifts for people? When I really really can afford to spare and there's sale. Other working parents buy lots of clothes for the children, but me? I just buy the on sale ones and the necessary ones.

Facial? Skin care? I put that as lowest priority.

Holiday? Dream on. I plan on stay cations for the next few years. Heck, even visiting a mall in town requires hours of careful planning.

After work, if I do work in an office, is rushing home to feed the kids, bathe the kids, make sure they are well, read them books, play and then sleep together.

I guess we'll all be too dead beat to do anything else.

Reflections

Sometimes, in the midst of all the business of daily routine, which includes crying and screaming baby wanting milk, wanting to be carried and held and hugged instead of sitting down to explore the toys, and toddler rolling on the floor crying for attention at the same time, and the spilt drink on the floor needing to be cleaned before the ants smell it and come, and the sweltering hot weather that makes my t-shirt and stray hair stick to my perspiring back and neck, and the vegetables which need to be cut and the rice which needs to be washed for lunch and the clothes to be washed before it fills the laundry basket to the brim... I wonder why in the world, when I was still young and ignorant about the life of a married housewife, didn't my parents warn me against having children?

That is just sometimes. Definitely.

Sometimes, Kieran makes me laugh, and sometimes, I get a minute or two to enjoy a shower or a cup of tea while I watch my latest craze, Downton Abbey, or read a book. I just finished Longbourne and I realised, after reading it, that I should be reading Pride and Prejudice too.

I'm glad my hubby is helpful. Unfortunately as working parent in Singapore, its difficult to spend much time with the family. I wonder if I start full time work too, would I start to be distant from my children?

I'm feeling a little jittery today. Maybe its because of the tea this morning. Maybe I'm just not feeling quite right.

Last post of 2013

Goodbye 2013. In a few minutes, I'll be saying hello to 2014.

If there is two parts to my life, Part 1 was before the birth of my child Kieran, before I became a mother, and Part 2 begun in the evening of 10 Oct 2011 when I officially became a mother.

Why did I say that? Because this event drastically changed me - My outlook on life, my mindset about parenting, about babies, children, about my role in this world and in my family... I became hysterical, emotional, my mood swung on highs and lows like a roller coaster, and although I had once firmly believed I was damn prepared for parenthood with all the stuff I read, and all the knowledge I have in my brains, and all the determination I have in my heart... when the real things happened, it happened like a tsunami swarmed across the beach, sweeping away what little faith I have in myself, washing away whatever false confidence and wishful thinking I once had. And so I finally declare - I was not at all prepared for parenthood. For it is not something you could prepare for. It is not something you could imagine about before you actually experience it.

Between 2011 and 2013, when I gave birth to two lovely babies, there's only one word to describe me and my hysterical, and fierce and sometimes irrational behaviour.

Lioness.

I'm like a lioness protecting her cubs. I act on instincts. I am gentle on my lovely cubs but I glare at anyone who dares come near. Every single person are potential threats to my babies, and I will not hesitate to rip off their throats if they dare lay a finger on my babies. Yeah man. And I'm so stupid to be like that.

I started off being very determined on being successful in breastfeeding. I lived in a society with a generation of elders who are clueless about breastfeeding, used to formula milk and bottle feeding, brain washed by marketers to use formula milk, and do not have any experiences in breastfeeding or even watched mothers breastfeed. But we are now told breast milk is the best gift any mothers could give their darling babies. So I closed my mind to all interferences with my breastfeeding attempt. I was extremely protective, both of my child and of my mind. If I allowed one doubt to seep through the barrier and caused my stand to waver, it could affect my determination, I may give up breastfeeding, or my milk supply may dwindle because what determines the supply is in our brain and not only our physical health. So this mindset is really useful and I really am super successful in breastfeeding.

But it is no longer useful now. Nobody questioned my ability or capability in breastfeeding now that I'm doing it the second time. Elders take for granted that I will breastfeed my second one successfully too, and I did. Problem is my older child is past the breastfeeding age. He has long weaned off breast milk (unfortunately) and he is no longer protected by the antibodies in my milk. Suddenly, I have to face a whole new set of problems. My poor precious Kieran was having influx of weaknesses, episodes of flu, etc... It was so much to bear that I locked myself in a state of denial. No, my child cannot be like that. Before he's 18 months old, he's such a healthy baby! Even if he had flu, his fever never lasted more than 2 days and he seldom had flu and stomach problems.

Many people advised ways to increase his immunity and prevent "heatiness" and ways to prevent him from catching viruses but I didn't quite bothered to listen. Because I had my own ways of parenting, and my own ways of caring for children, and if I had listened to those "rubbish" I would have doubted myself and my breastfeeding efforts would have failed, right? I was always right, right? I desperately needed to change my mindset and allow new information to change how I parent and care for the children, but I didn't know that I have to, and so I struggled a lot when I obstinately clung on to old ways of doing things.

My children and I suffered much. 2013 was a year of horror and I had multiple depressive moods. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I had great times and I had really horrible times. My son was hospitalised for high fever with seizure in early December and just before Christmas, he caught flu again. It was very sad for hubby and me as parents, the grandparents had tough time coming to help, especially my parents, and I felt like a total failure. My whole family fell sick. I had fever which I never had since I had Kieran. Now, my Caitlin is still having cough but we are all recovering. As I declared 2013 the worst year I've ever lived, I am apprehensive that 2014 will be another (more) tormenting year. No matter what, what will come, will come. And me... I just have to brace myself for any tsunamis coming my way.

Edited on 23 October 2014.
Postscript: It is now near the end of 2014, and nope, 2014 is NOT a more tormenting year, in fact it is rather good. Yeah! But still, a dark cloud looms over us in the form of Ebola threat. I hope we will not face another SARS. I still remember the horrible ordeal Singapore went through. Now that I can children myself, I care more about the world and our future. May God bless us!

Quiet happiness

Weekends are chaotic. My mom stays over but she goes home on Friday and comes to help out on Sunday night. So on weekends, hubby & I are left on our own to cope with an attention seeking toddler and a demanding little babe. Wow. You can imagine the mess the house is in. Today I took the chance to quickly sweep the floor while hubby brought Kieran out to buy breakfast and Caitlin was napping. That's about the only chance we get to clean the house on weekends! After that, its challenges after challenges to overcome. Non stop busying around until sleeping time... which is now.

Finally Yilin has patted Kieran to sleep and I've nursed Caitlin to sleep, and I have just a few minutes to do some stuff like washing the kitchen and surfing net and type this blog post here before I go to accompany Caitlin. 

Bringing Caitlin out is a big challenge and through trial and error, I've realised what works and what don't. She's easily disturbed by loud noises, flashing and bright lights and cold air. So shopping malls are bad. Crowded places are bad. This cinderella needs to be home before 8pm. After 8pm, her fussy time starts to get worse and she'll scream her head off in public. So I nurse or rock her to sleep first and place her snugly in my sling carrier, hidden from the lights and shielded from the cold, and as I walk, the walking motion rock her gently in her slumber and she's nice and quiet as we bring Kieran out for dinner and walks. Today that's what we did. We went out for early dinner before 6pm. We had nice fried kway teow and laksa. And bought breakfast for the next day. Later we walked pass a playground in the neighbourhood. Kieran was attracted to the playground and we let him play. He went up and down the slide and played with the "gears" at the playground. And he also tried to interact with the older kids there. These kids are nice kids. I've met really rough ones who went tumbling all over without regards for other kids' safety. We all had fun although it was tiring. Luckily, we reached home before 8pm, and Caitlin was very cooperative. She opened her eyes when we opened the door. Perhaps she smelt "home"? Then the "concert" began. Oh well. We showered Kieran, bathed Caitlin, showered ourselves, had some time to watch the tv, talk a bit, brush Kieran's teeth, and then its sleeping time.

I hope to post pictures of Kieran celebrating birthdays of rabbit babies together at NEX. He had fun eating ice cream, playing with dogs and with his friends that day. I don't have time to upload photos on weekends. Weekdays maybe. Next week.

Looking forward to the baby fair on next Friday, and celebrating Kieran's 2 year old birthday with loved ones on next Sunday. He's going to enjoy it a lot. All the people he loves and adores are going to be there and giving him blessings and presents.

Life as a parent of two is damn tough! But at the end of the day, when the sweet babies sleep, I do feel a sense of quiet happiness. I think of the smiles and laughter that goes on in the day, and I know I will have sweet dreams of those memories at night.

Good night.

Not forgiving anytime soon

With a little baby, there are so many inconveniences to things that would have been simple in life.

Yesterday I was trying to discuss with hubby about the schedules for the coming weeks as I have several baby shower and wedding invitations to attend and I'm not sure baby is fit to attend them with us. For one, he fusses a lot in the evening and it'll be so embarrassing if he cries and cries if I try to feed him. And he still wails when we put him in the car seat for a long ride.

This Sunday I have to attend a wedding in the morning, a baby shower in the evening, Monday, another wedding in the evening, then during the weekend, I was hoping to put money in baby's CDA account for use when we need it. Next Sat, we have to attend a relative's house warming and baby must go for this one, then the following week is another good friend's baby shower.

But I am very sad. Yesterday when Hubby and I had a chance to talk over dinner, all he was concerned about was Groupon discounts and surfing the net. I haven't completed my sentence and he was already calling someone over the phone about something he read online. I had appalled by his lack of interest in what I was saying. I am interested in planning a schedule but he was more interested in commenting on other people's choice of baby shower timings. Irritated max. It got to the extend that I snatch his handphone from him in an attempt to make him listen but I guess that attempt failed too. I felt like smashing the idiot phone against the wall although I returned it to him. Later, I went in to look after baby and he knew I was unhappy but that's too late. If he doesn't care, then why should I bother? I will just make the arrangements myself and he doesn't need to be in the picture since he doesn't care.

Sometimes it pains me to see how less effort hubby is investing in baby's care. I understand he has to work. But the most he did is to hold baby awhile in the evening. He doesn't need to wake up in the middle of the night to care for baby, change diaper or feed baby. I try to let him sleep as much as possible and be as stress free as possible by doing everything myself but I dun want him to take things for granted. Does he know that other dads wake up in the middle of the night to rock baby to sleep when they wake up crying? Does he know that other dads come home to play with baby, change nappy, cook dinner etc instead of checking mails, reading news and watching tv like he does?

I refused to talk to him much in the morning. He doesn't realized his mistake. Guys will not reaslise their mistake if you tell them how wrong they are in the face. Guys will never learn. Even after he sensed that something is wrong, he doesn't know how he can make it right. He just sleeps at the time he sleeps everyday. Even though he knows my love language is "quality time", he doesn't give me the attention that I require. These few nights, it is always dinner, feeding baby and then I will entertain baby until he sleeps, and wake up in the middle of the night to care for baby while he continue on his usual lifestyle of sleeping before 11pm and wakes up for work. Its not that I am complaining about the unfairness. I just want him to realise all these doesn't come easy. He comes home to marvel at baby's cuteness while I do all the work and the pacifying.

Yes, I'm feeling very bitter, and no, I am not ready to forgive him. Especially since he isn't even doing anything to ask for forgiveness too. Taking too much for granted... taking too much for granted... :(

settling down with baby

Settling down in my new home. Its cool to be here in Punggol. The weather is almost always cool, and at night, when there's a storm, the wind raged up a cool howling sound, like wolves' howls. Isn't it great? Its like sleeping in a tent in the wild. I've always always love nature!

The cool weather is great for my baby. He's really scared of heat. It pains me to see him sweaty all over after a nap. Oh yes, baby fusses every evening but the change is that I've already got used to it and am prepared to handle his fusses even though he still tires me out every time. Hubby came home late usually, and after dinner and unpacking some stuff, he needs to sleep earlier to prepare for tomorrow's work, and boy, he really can sleep over baby's cries -.-" So its up to me alone to entertain this little tyke until he got tired and finally sleep.

Our house is in a mess coz there r just so many things to unpack and tidy up. So many things to do everyday. Feeding baby, bathing baby etc, all these are routine chores. So when I get some free time, I'll do the unpacking and sorting.

I'm extremely grateful to my parents and parents in law for coming over to help with household chores and cooking. I really cannot imagine doing all these alone with a small baby to care for. I dun mind it if I have full night's sleep but this little one has been waking me up 3 times over the night, and demands to be held and played with in the early morning. Which machine has this much energy?

Today, we bring baby out. He's getting very used to the car seat and does not fusses as much as the first time we put him in it. Dad drove us to visit my aunts. One of my aunts is handicapped so she couldn't come to visit baby. She's so happy to see my baby just now. Then we went out for lunch at Greenland Vegetarian Restaurant. Very tasty food. I will rate it 8/10. As we ate, baby too, had his "lunch" over the breastfeeding cover. Haha. He's so guai, not making too much noises and not fussing. Otherwise, I'll have to entertain him and walk around, which isn't so convenient in a restaurant. I love it when he unlatches after he's had his fill and sleep soundly at my chest. He looks so contented and so snugly warm.

He's now sleeping on my parents' bed. At my parents home now after lunch. Hubby is coming for dinner, and then we'll go home together with baby. I'm enjoying the day :)

Refusing to nap

Baby was super active yesterday. He refused to nap and fussed at my breast since afternoon.

The night before, he skipped his evening fussiness and kept sleeping after feeds. I thought it's a wonderful break for hubby and me. Little did I know that he will pay it back double the next day. Lol...

I was so tired by evening that I handed baby to mother in law and took naps. Actually I was hoping hubby would come home to help but he suddenly felt weakness in his body and usually that is the first sign of cold or flu for him. So he kept a distance from baby, wore a mask and slept outside. I can only depend on myself. I told him it's alright, I'm independent. But in the end, I gave up and handed baby to mother in law to be coaxed to sleep after I fed him. I tried to ignore his cries and whimpers which melted my heart and tried to catch some sleep myself.

I was glad that the next time I heard baby crying for milk, it's 3am already. Mother in law had put baby to sleep in the cot beside me. I'm amazed she managed to rock baby to sleep. It must have been very difficult. Baby is extremely naughty during his fussy period and he'll demand for so much attention and threaten to be rocked in his favourite way or else face his loud and endless cry.

Now baby is stretching and grunting in the cot. Not yet in deep deep sleep yet. Boy, his grunts are super loud! He just had his milk and I've pumped out the rest of the milk to relieve engorgement. I really should have sterilized the pump so as to pump and keep the milk. I pumped out one full bottle. Such a waste to throw it away but I was too tired and didn't think clearly. I usually try to keep the milk I pump out during night feeds because milk flow is faster between midnight to 6am and I really can pump out a lot to store at a short time. Never mind, I shall do that for the second feed.

Baby picks up routine very quickly. When he wakes up in the morning, he needs to have milk. After morning bath, he needs to have milk, even if he'd had milk shortly before, he'll still demand for it. If he's not hungry, he'll drink only a few minutes but at least he suckled and that's good enough for him. This tells me that I have to train him sleeping routine as soon as he begin to want to sleep longer. I read that babies will develop sleep wake cycle at 6-8weeks old, so at this time, it's best time to develop a good sleeping routine that will help baby sleep better and be less fussy during sleeping time.

Time for bed before baby wakes up for second night feed. Good night... I mean... Morning... Yawn...

Preconceptions vs Reality of parenthood

Before having my baby, I thought babies... :
Sleep like sweet angels at night :)
Reality:
Babies grunt and groan when they stretch. Mine is super loud and makes lots of noises.

Before having my baby, I thought babies... :
Will be peaceful and lovely all day and night.
Reality:
There is such thing as evening fussiness when babies cry and fuss and is just very naughty and won't sleep... And there's nothing we can do but to entertain him until he sleeps.

Before having my baby, I thought... :
The biggest challenge is breastfeeding - having enough milk, correct latching, baby drinking well etc. Follow the book and I'll be ok...
Reality
Throw away the book. Every baby is different. Ok, the book on breastfeeding does help to understand basic concepts but breastfeeding isn't about following everything the book says. Following my baby's character and demands is more important.

Before having my baby, I thought... :
I'll still have lots of time to rest and enjoy doing craft and art.
Reality:
Feeing baby every 2-3hr and waking up at night to feed him 2-3 times? No more time and energy to do other stuff. Maybe until he's a little older...

Before having my baby, I thought... :
I'll still be the same me whatever happens.
Reality:
Never have I felt such intense love and desire to protect someone other than myself. I will brave storms, face monsters, ghosts, evils and even fierce dogs and cockroaches for the sake of my little one. I guess I'm not the same anymore.

There are still more realisation to come. Being a mother makes me understand with deeper meaning when my parents tell me how sick I fell when I was a child and how worried they were, how concerned they are when I refused to eat, and the problems they faced when I was a baby. They seemed easy before I faced them myself but now, I can understand the feelings of being a parent. "Being a parent" these simple words encompasses more than you could think of.