First Day of School for Kieran and Caitlin

2 January 2018 was an exciting and nerve-wrecking first day of school for Kieran and Caitlin - exciting for the children and nerve-wrecking for me. The night before, I could not sleep and it was very cold. In the morning, I snoozed the alarm clock and guess what, the next moment I opened my eyes, the sky was bright and I remembered lying in bed and wondering... "is the sky supposed to be so blue and bright?" Then I eyes wandered to the wall clock which read 7.25am... they lingered on for awhile before the word "Late!" screamed and resonated in every cells of my body. Yeah, it sounded rather dramatic but yes, that was exactly how I felt. So I jumped up, woke hubby who looked equally shocked, grabbed my groggy little Kieran, brushed his teeth, gave him milk, and hubby and Kieran were out the door in 5 minutes. Then I went to prepare Caitlin and called hubby to help send her to school after he sent Kieran. Fortunately, Kieran's Primary school is just across the road from our home and Caitlin's school is a short walk away. Phew... With some positive vibes and quick actions, the day went on pretty well. We even managed to gather lots of nice pictures of them!

Here's one of them together before they go into the school gate on the second day of school (because first day of school morning was too rush for a picture of them together).

On the second day of school, we received invitation to download the Class messenger and a welcome letter from his Form Teacher and Co-Form Teacher with their email addresses. We are glad that there are now more modes of communication between home and school compared to when I was a Primary school student. I also joined the parent chat group in Whatsapp and we shared lots of feedback to keep each other updated. Our wish for Kieran who has now entered formal schooling, is that he will enjoy going to school, develop strong friendship with his friends and teachers, and continue to hone his keenness and joy for learning and exploring new ideas. He has come so far from that reserved little creature hiding within his shells. My wish for myself is to be more chill, learn to relax and not get over-stressed about the children's well-being, always leave work on time so that I can reach home early and guide the children in their homework and have heart to heart chats with them, and of course to wake up in time for EVERY school morning.

Kieran has a no-tear beginning in his Kindergarten, and he did not cry at all in Primary school. Caitlin has a relatively tearless beginning as well. I believe starting the children late for school helps a lot. They both begin school when they are five years old. At this age, they are ready for healthy separation from caregivers and they have formed strong attachment with us and their day time caregivers, my parents. They are ready to explore beyond that safe home environment, curious about their surroundings, and eager to forge friendships and bonds with teachers and classmates. Against all odds, we made the decision to start education late for our children. Pretty unusual for Singaporeans. Academic is not the most important in our minds although I know my children will most likely be ardent readers and academically strong as their characters seem very close to my hubby and mine. Kieran, especially, if I'm not wrong, because he seems to have an unusual thinking process, very good memory, and he reads rather proficiently at this age. I remembered I brought the children to my friend's house for a playdate. The children were at the void deck, playing with a Roller Racer (ride on toy car) but he's more interested in the striking red, round fruits at the bottom of several wayside trees. He told me he wanted to step on one, squash it and see how it's like inside, and he's wondering whether it's edible, poisonous or whether the birds eat it (I told him that if birds eat the fruits, most likely humans can too). Then the children went up and all the girls took shower together. My girl squealed with delight at showering (and playing water) with the other girls. He stood at a corner, refused to take off his clothes, insisted to shower alone. Later, I asked Caitlin if it was fun and Kieran commented on the silliness of it all.

One problem I find myself having is I love my children so much that I tend to tell others we met about them without realising it. Today, I rambled on about Kieran to a friend and he was sitting beside me. I stopped myself in time and then I looked at Kieran, wondering if he's upset. It seemed like he's ok but I don't think I should do that at all. Somethings are meant to be between the child and mother and as parents, we do need to respect their privacy and share with others only what they agree should be shared. I shall be more mindful of that in future.

The first week of school has ended. Let's look forward to the second week, where formal lesson begins. Oh gosh... Where is that timetable? We need to start packing the bag according to timetable now...

Parenting HSC and reflections

Parenting, with Kieran, is a soul-searching journey. Parenting my children is a great journey but parenting highly sensitive children is almost life-changing... if we acknowledge, appreciate and love them who who they are.

A few days ago, I wanted to teach Kieran something, and I told him to sit at his study desk. Caitlin was drawing at the desk, beside him and he wanted to draw something too, but I wanted to teach him number bonds. So I took out a book and pen and proceeded to teach. He made a frustrated sound and said he wanted to draw. So I looked frustrated as well and said, "Ok." while I walk away. He got afraid suddenly. He ran up to me and said, "I'll do number bonds! I'll do number bonds!" I told him, still sounding frustrated, that he should just go and do what he like. He said, "I like to do number bonds. Please, don't have a sad day!" 

That surprised me. In the past, I knew he was willing to do something he did not want to do to make me happy. But now, he is willing to like something he did not like to do to make me happy. It was good that he care so much for me but I thought nobody in this world should force themselves to do, and worse like something they did not like to do to please other people. That's not right. That's not a right character to cultivate. I asked him, "Why did you say you like to do number bonds?" He said yes, he really like to do them. I asked him, "Is it really true you like to do them?" He said he wanted me to have "happy day". He said he will have a sad day if I have sad day too. It is true. He looks extremely distressed whenever I look sad. So we got into a negotiation. He said he wanted to do number bonds to make me happy. I said I wanted him to do drawing and colouring to make him happy. He said it is important that I am happy because if I am not happy he is not happy. I told him it is important that he is happy because if he is not happy I am not happy too. So we compromised. I told him that I would really love it if he drew me a lovely picture for me to paste on my office cubicle wall. We could learn number bonds after he drew me that picture. He happily set out to draw a picture. He put lots of effort into it. There's a cute story to every component he drew. I was digging for dinosaur bones in the picture. There was a purple house with a red roof, that looked a little slanted to the left. Papa was hiding behind a tree, playing hide and seek with him and his sister. Caitlin was small and holding his hand. He was standing beside me. It was all lovely. It was more precious than the rarest jewel on Earth.

I have never met anyone with a heart as kind as Kieran. Sometimes I wonder where he's from before he came into our arms as our lovely baby. Was he an angel? Was he someone even better than an angel? He seldom have a temper although when he is distressed by scenes of violence and blood on the TV, or by threats of violent discipline from adults who sometimes talk without using their brains (which includes me, unfortunately), he will get into a huge tantrum. It is not his fault. He has a very kind and generous heart and he is frightened. I've always thought that our world needs people like Kieran. He seldom thinks of himself first. He is always thinking of others. I am not afraid that he might stand on the losing end of deals. He is a smart person. He makes choices. He chooses me. When he is older, his understanding of the world will be re-calibrated. I am now that most important person to him. I protect him, love him, take care of him, I am his source of food, clothes, warmth and shelter, and also his source of joy, anger and sadness. But as he gain independence from me, this important role will shift from me to himself. He will learn that the respect, the awe and the reliance he had for me, will be shifted to himself. In other words, how I treat him now, will become how he treat himself in the future. How I talk to him now, will become his inner voice in the future. It is important I play this role well now, so that I set a positive note for him for the rest of his life.

This applies for all children, but for Kieran, because of his high sensitivity, we have to be even more careful. He is sharper especially on the emotional and the subconscious aspect.

Caitlin, on the other hand, is a person who knows what she wants. She goes for what she wants and she does not give in. Because, why should she? Kieran gets frustrated with her monopolising ways sometimes. He will come to me and complain that she grabs the toy and does not share. He is very willing to share, as long as they each get equal chances to play. With explanations and coaxing, she will still find it hard to let go of her new desire for a short while to share with others. It is not her fault because after all, she's only three years old. I find that at times, I have to help him snatch the toy over for fair play. I do not want them to think that the person who has a more passive disposition will always have to give in and the person who has a more aggressive disposition will always have the larger share. Kieran complained to me that my mom, who cares for them in the day while I work, made him keep the toys although it was his sister who tumbled them all over the floor, just because he is older and more willing to do the task than Caitlin, who is really stubborn. You can ask her to do something a hundred times and threaten her with all sorts of terrible punishment, but if she made up her mind not to do it, she won't, period. She'll scream at you and cry her lungs out rather than be forced to do something against her will.

Both of them have wonderful characters. Caitlin's character set her on the right foot for a world as callous as ours. She is tiny and fearful of many things. She would snuggle up to me if she needs protection and love and she'll jump and hide behind me if she's afraid. But I'm sure when she faces tough times in the future, she has that thing in her which will help her ride through it smoothly. It's like if a huge wave crashes in, she'll be the one emerging from the top and ride on the waves, looking all cool and steady like its really nothing. She's not like me at all, and I'm so glad she isn't. She could do so much more and in much better ways with the strength and willpower that she possesses. She's a mighty girl, at such a young age. Kieran is more like me. We are kind, we are gentle, we are afraid of and despises violence, and we sometimes do not feel like we belong in this world. 

I am in my mid thirties. It is hard to live life on my own terms at this age, when we, my husband and I, are responsible for so many things. We pay for the house, the car, the daily groceries, our parents' allowances, our children's needs, small luxuries in life like a family trip to the Zoo or a new rice cooker, and medical and insurance fees. I now find the ordinary everyday life is in itself, a gift. I used to believe we should all have dreams and ambitions and bucket lists. I did not have them anymore. It was a pleasant feeling to let go of them. I don't need these now because every breathe that I take is a gift. Every moment is a gift. I am not entitled to this life, to everything that I have now, my family, my husband, my lovely children, my parents, my home, my car, my job, my friends... and so on... I know of people who died young, who discovered they have a tumour and then, the next thing they know, they are planning for their surgeries, or worse, their palliative care, wills and funerals. I asked myself what if it was me? Why couldn't it be me? What if I step out and I was killed by a freak accident, even before I could say goodbye to everyone I love? So I told myself, that it won't matter, if I treasure each day, if I treat every moment as a gift, if in every moment of my heart, I am grateful and at peace.

Somewhere in another part of this world, another person, like me, who have family, children, parents and friends are suffering from war, famine and corruption. Their choices are much more limited and their lives are tougher and in much more danger. "What makes me privileged?" I sometimes ask myself. I can complain as much as I want, but not more than that person suffering in that part of the world.

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket – It does matter, also, what baskets you have

I read in a parenting book for parents/caregivers of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) written by psychologist Prof Elaine Aron, that children's brain are wired in childhood, mostly before 3 years old. They will be wired to categorise their experiences into “events” or into “good and bad”. People who are depressed often categorise things into “good” basket or “bad” basket. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised. They put “basketball” into the “bad basket” and they think “I am lousy because I fail at basketball.” People who are not depressed categorise experiences into “Sports”, “Academic”, “Family”, “Friends”,etc. In each category, there is good and there is bad. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised, they put “Basketball” under sports and they think “I don’t do well at basketball, maybe it’s not for me, but I have ‘academic’ and ‘family’ and ‘friends’ which I am good at in several ways.”

Most of these “wiring” happens in childhood but that does not mean it cannot happen in adulthood. It’s just that in adulthood, it is harder to change. That is why children learn new things and adapt to new environment faster than adults. If adults want to “rewire”, they have to put in more effort and in some cases, if they too emotionally affected by the childhood experiences (due to trauma or depression) they have to receive therapy to help themselves “rewire”.

The psychologist said she often see adult patients and she worked with them to re-wire their brain which requires long, dedicated therapy and of course comes with a hefty bill. She said if we, as parents, built up our children’s self-esteem and “wire their brain right” in the beginning, it can save them a lot of heartache and troubles going for therapy to get their life back in shape.

If they are regularly criticised or given a global label, eg: "You are a naughty girl!" or "You are stupid." or "Why are you always so clumsy?", these labels will encourage them to categorise all that they meet and do into the “bad” and “good” category. They will think “I am all bad because I cannot do this.” That’s why we have to change the way we say from “You are a naughty girl” to “This is a very naughty behaviour.” In this way we target the behaviour, not the person, and we can further set a target to change the behaviour.

I use this for my children and I can see the change in my daughter. My daughter is more stubborn and cannot control her temper. She often hit her brother when she’s moody or angry, even when her brother did not provoke her. I often made the mistake of saying “Mei, you are so naughty!” Now I have changed it to “Mei, hitting is a naughty behaviour. If people do naughty things, they go to naughty corner.” After making sure she understands, I’ll always hug her and explain to her. Yesterday she scratched Kieran and made him cry. She cried because I made her stand in the naughty corner. Kieran was sad but he, as kind as usual, told me to hug mei mei bcoz she was crying. I asked Kieran whether his cheek was still painful. He said, “No.” I asked whether his heart hurts. He said, “Yes.” I explained to Caitlin that if u hit people, people’s heart will hurt, even long after the physical wound stops hurting. I told her if you hit Gor gor, Gor gor will cry, I will also cry because I love Gor gor. She is better at control now. She will lose control when she’s over tired which was what happened yesterday. Caitlin may not undertand now although I hope one day, she will. But I’m sure Kieran understood that I understand him and I hope he felt understood enough to forgive and continue to love his sister.

Magical Bonding

Children have the power to weave magic into our souls. They may be mischievous and require some disciplining at times but none of their acts are done with malicious intent. In fact even the naughtiest act are done with the purest of heart. I treasure every bonding opportunity I have with them.

On sunny Saturday, we went to give mooncakes to our relatives, visit my mother in law, and let the children enjoy playing sand and playground at park near her flat. We enjoyed our day thoroughly. My brother in law drove us home. Hubby showed brother in law his new curved computer monitor. I made a DIY lantern with Kieran. At night, I hugged both my little ones to sleep.

On Sunday, we went to watch Paw Patrol live at City Square Mall, ate ice cream waffle, drink Chamomile tea, bought Iron man shirt and pants for Kieran whose pee got onto his clothes when daddy brought him to pee (I’m going to be the one to bring him to the toilet, next time we go out), bought Frisbee and swimsuit and googles for the children at Decathlon, went home for recharge and dinner, then for lantern festival organized by RC (Residential Committee). Lanterns of all shapes and colours and music light up the way. Little Caitlin was frightened when we walked along the Waterway carrying lanterns. She said the water was black and the sky was black. I carried her and spoke to her as we walk. She needed me and my closeness reassured her. She threw a big tantrum when we stop by a café to rest. She was angry that the Milo was hot, angry that I drank her Milo and angry with basically everything. She was overtired. Daddy took her aside and spoke to her firmly. Kieran cried. He tried to cover daddy’s mouth when he was speaking firmly to Caitlin. I took him away and he cried, saying that he need to go and save his sister. So both stood and cried together. It was hilarious. Hubby and I laughed despite feeling hot and frustrated.

On the way home, Caitlin had fallen asleep and we tried to keep her asleep but she woke up as we wiped her down. She giggled and played with Kieran for a while before they finally become sleepy. Kieran said he was so tired, he felt giddy. He lay beside me in bed and talked to me tiredly. Caitlin has fallen asleep. I told him to go to sleep and he would feel better tomorrow morning. He turned around to hug his bolster. I kissed his cheek and said goodnight. He hugged me and fell asleep. That was an ordinarily magical night.

On cool and breezy Monday, which is a public holiday, we woke up late, and we went to visit the children’s grand aunt at her condominium. We went swimming with the new swim suit and googles that we bought. The children both love and fear the water. Caitlin accidentally fell into the water and I scooped her up almost immediately. I read up on silent drowning and dry drowning and I’m certainly not going to take chances. I am going to keep my eyes on both as much as I could. Their gleeful faces and surprise at the almost novel experience in the water were recorded as the most pleasant memory in my mind. The memory isn’t all pleasant for Caitlin who whispered to me at night that she does not want to go swimming. Right after we pulled them out of the water to go for lunch, she had happily announced that she want to come back swimming again. I told her, “That’s because you are sad now, so you remembered the sad things about swimming. You are sad because mummy scolded you for scratching gor gor, and this made you think about sad things like falling into the water and having water in your nose during the swim. Not all that happened are sad. I caught you quickly when you fell and I hugged you tight. Remember?” I saw her lips moved up slightly in a smile, and I imagined her remembering the fun and the hug. I kissed her goodnight.

She had scratched Kieran because he was talking beside her on the bed, and she was in a bad mood. I put her in the naughty corner and hugged poor Kieran. Kieran told me to go and hug Mei mei because she was crying. I asked him does it still hurt. He said no. I asked him whether his heart hurts. He said yes. I told Mei mei, “You should not hit people or scratch people even if you are very angry. You can can voice out that you are angry but you cannot hit. When the pain goes away, the heart will still hurt. The hurt in the heart don’t go away quickly.” Kieran understood that I understand and he felt much better. I don’t know whether Mei Mei understood but I hope one day she will, and she will learn to control her temper.

We do not deal violence with violence. We don’t act on impulses. Because we are adults, we are the role models. We manage violence with love and compassion. Children’s brains are constantly learning and wiring and re-wiring to learn the ropes of the world. They have to learn through us that kind words and actions are what heals, not enforcement, punishment and violence.

I hugged both children to sleep. Mei mei was woken up by frightening nightmares a few times. I held her in my arms and she fell asleep, reassured. The nights with my beloved children are the most treasured and important. Daddy and I stressed to complete our pre-bedtime routine – the oatmilk, the brushing of teeth, changing of PJs, the 5 min allowance to play, the pee and poo, etc. Then bedtime is the magical moment. We read stories, we conjured our own stories, we chatted, we sang, we whispered secrets to each other.

I see from their eyes that they need me, they want me, they are with me, and those are enough reasons to go on.

Mothering

The thing about being a mother is that we are always worrying about our children. I have been telling myself to relax but I really can't. If my child shows a slight indiction that he may be developing a fever, I will panic, and if my child gets a tooth cavity, I will see it as an indication that I am a bad mother, that I haven't been taking good care of the children. Care for the children is never enough. There's always more to be done, more to do, more to perfect, and so on.

Top items in my worry list are now Caitlin's front teeth cavity and Kieran's phonics. I'm trying to see if I can help her teeth remineralise by giving her the appropriate vitamins and starting her on fluoride and xylitol brushing since she now can spit out after gargling. Caitlin is a stubborn and fiery little one. Getting her to accept me brushing her teeth is like fighting a battle with her. I have found a way to get her to cooperate a little bit more, which is to let her watch an iPhone app of a cute panda brushing his teeth and then gargling. I can set the brushing timer to as long as I like. She finds it interesting and often laughs at the silly panda, so I place the phone with the app running in front of the wash basin and coax her into brushing. If she struggles, then well, I have to keep brushing despite her cries. It's sad to see her struggling twice or thrice (sometimes I brush her teeth in the afternoons if we are not outside) everyday during toothbrushing but that is better then seeing more cavities on her teeth. She has about 5 small but noticeable ones on the front teeth. The back molars look alright and all of her lower set of teeth are nice. I don't know how the decay only happens on the front ones.

Kieran is now learning very fast and to help him absorb the good stuff, I'm reading a lot to him, teaching him to recognise simple Chinese words, and to learn to write simple letters and strokes. He's progressing at a snail speed but at least there's progress and he won't go to Kindergarten next year not knowing anything. I'm also teaching him phonics myself using this teaching tool: The ordinary parent's guide to teaching reading. There's an audio companion which I borrowed from the library. While teaching, I also learn valuable lessons on phonics. I'm convinced that phonics help young children read better, and he has to read, otherwise he can't even understand math problems at Primary One. If he don't finish learning phonics by K1, he will confuse it with Han Yu Pin Yin that he will learn in K2.

So being a mother, we have no time to relax. My favourite way to "relax" is sipping hot, bitter-sweet black tea in a cooling air conditioned room, away from the suffocating heat in the rest of the house, and temporarily away from that forever "Mama! Mama!". Sweet black tea works wonder for my soul. 苦中作樂，因為人生就是甜中帶苦，苦中帶甜。

If...

I was discussing with hubby, a few days ago, if we did not have the children, what would we be doing?

I will be still obsessed with The Sims.

In the morning, I will struggle to get up to go to work.

In the office, I will do my work, drink tea and eat cakes while I work, I will check Facebook and chat on whatsapp and gossips about stuff and complain about stuff and talk about dreams and the next holiday destination.

During lunch, I will eat with colleagues or ex colleagues and chat and discuss about life and work.

After lunch, I will battle with Z monster and whatsapp hubby to ask him what's the plan for the coming weekend. I may get into debates and quarrels with hubby over why he's not spending enough time on me.

Then there's some tea time and biscuits and cakes, when I gorge myself with sweet food to ease the stress and the boredom, and worry about becoming fat.

After knock off time, I may stay back a bit to finish up a bit of stuff and then tidy up, and then go out to meet hubby for dinner, or go home to cook some stuff and eat with hubby, or go to either his parents or my parents' place for dinner.

We chat about work stuff and gossips while at dinner. We talk to our family members about work stuff.

We make plans for holidays and check up on latest promotion.

We may do grocery shopping at 24 hour NTUC Fairprice after dinner, before taking a cab home.

We may grab a late night movie at NEX or AMK Hub because its Friday night and the night is still young!

We may spend some time chilling out at a cafe nearby and do some reading.

We may do some window shopping after work, after dinner, if we eat out, before we head home to shower and sleep.

I will buy lots of fashionable dress and work blouses and pants and skirts.

I will be able to afford luxurious skin care and facial and spa packages, and the salesgirls will know I'm their target customer.

I will buy and buy because, well, I can afford a little of pleasure and gifts for myself. I will also buy gifts for friends, and family and hubby.

After midnight, like now, I won't be trying to finish up work. I'd be playing The Sims, or Sims City or some other time management/ city management games.

Well, that's not going to happen.

Because...

Anything late night is pure luxury.

Anything that's not home cooked is not healthy (for the dear children especially)

Movie? Wait 10 years later or until we have a really good one that we are dying to watch, and the nearby cinema shows it, and the kids are not sick or cranky, and the grandparents agree to watch over them while we watch the movie, and we are lucky that the grandparents won't complain of us enjoying while they help us. Too many conditions to fulfil. I might as well not watch lah.

Shopping? No money. In the past, $10 seems cheap. Now $10 item, I need to consider thrice before deciding to buy.

Gifts for people? When I really really can afford to spare and there's sale. Other working parents buy lots of clothes for the children, but me? I just buy the on sale ones and the necessary ones.

Facial? Skin care? I put that as lowest priority.

Holiday? Dream on. I plan on stay cations for the next few years. Heck, even visiting a mall in town requires hours of careful planning.

After work, if I do work in an office, is rushing home to feed the kids, bathe the kids, make sure they are well, read them books, play and then sleep together.

I guess we'll all be too dead beat to do anything else.

Reflections

Sometimes, in the midst of all the business of daily routine, which includes crying and screaming baby wanting milk, wanting to be carried and held and hugged instead of sitting down to explore the toys, and toddler rolling on the floor crying for attention at the same time, and the spilt drink on the floor needing to be cleaned before the ants smell it and come, and the sweltering hot weather that makes my t-shirt and stray hair stick to my perspiring back and neck, and the vegetables which need to be cut and the rice which needs to be washed for lunch and the clothes to be washed before it fills the laundry basket to the brim... I wonder why in the world, when I was still young and ignorant about the life of a married housewife, didn't my parents warn me against having children?

That is just sometimes. Definitely.

Sometimes, Kieran makes me laugh, and sometimes, I get a minute or two to enjoy a shower or a cup of tea while I watch my latest craze, Downton Abbey, or read a book. I just finished Longbourne and I realised, after reading it, that I should be reading Pride and Prejudice too.

I'm glad my hubby is helpful. Unfortunately as working parent in Singapore, its difficult to spend much time with the family. I wonder if I start full time work too, would I start to be distant from my children?

I'm feeling a little jittery today. Maybe its because of the tea this morning. Maybe I'm just not feeling quite right.

Last post of 2013

Goodbye 2013. In a few minutes, I'll be saying hello to 2014.

If there is two parts to my life, Part 1 was before the birth of my child Kieran, before I became a mother, and Part 2 begun in the evening of 10 Oct 2011 when I officially became a mother.

Why did I say that? Because this event drastically changed me - My outlook on life, my mindset about parenting, about babies, children, about my role in this world and in my family... I became hysterical, emotional, my mood swung on highs and lows like a roller coaster, and although I had once firmly believed I was damn prepared for parenthood with all the stuff I read, and all the knowledge I have in my brains, and all the determination I have in my heart... when the real things happened, it happened like a tsunami swarmed across the beach, sweeping away what little faith I have in myself, washing away whatever false confidence and wishful thinking I once had. And so I finally declare - I was not at all prepared for parenthood. For it is not something you could prepare for. It is not something you could imagine about before you actually experience it.

Between 2011 and 2013, when I gave birth to two lovely babies, there's only one word to describe me and my hysterical, and fierce and sometimes irrational behaviour.

Lioness.

I'm like a lioness protecting her cubs. I act on instincts. I am gentle on my lovely cubs but I glare at anyone who dares come near. Every single person are potential threats to my babies, and I will not hesitate to rip off their throats if they dare lay a finger on my babies. Yeah man. And I'm so stupid to be like that.

I started off being very determined on being successful in breastfeeding. I lived in a society with a generation of elders who are clueless about breastfeeding, used to formula milk and bottle feeding, brain washed by marketers to use formula milk, and do not have any experiences in breastfeeding or even watched mothers breastfeed. But we are now told breast milk is the best gift any mothers could give their darling babies. So I closed my mind to all interferences with my breastfeeding attempt. I was extremely protective, both of my child and of my mind. If I allowed one doubt to seep through the barrier and caused my stand to waver, it could affect my determination, I may give up breastfeeding, or my milk supply may dwindle because what determines the supply is in our brain and not only our physical health. So this mindset is really useful and I really am super successful in breastfeeding.

But it is no longer useful now. Nobody questioned my ability or capability in breastfeeding now that I'm doing it the second time. Elders take for granted that I will breastfeed my second one successfully too, and I did. Problem is my older child is past the breastfeeding age. He has long weaned off breast milk (unfortunately) and he is no longer protected by the antibodies in my milk. Suddenly, I have to face a whole new set of problems. My poor precious Kieran was having influx of weaknesses, episodes of flu, etc... It was so much to bear that I locked myself in a state of denial. No, my child cannot be like that. Before he's 18 months old, he's such a healthy baby! Even if he had flu, his fever never lasted more than 2 days and he seldom had flu and stomach problems.

Many people advised ways to increase his immunity and prevent "heatiness" and ways to prevent him from catching viruses but I didn't quite bothered to listen. Because I had my own ways of parenting, and my own ways of caring for children, and if I had listened to those "rubbish" I would have doubted myself and my breastfeeding efforts would have failed, right? I was always right, right? I desperately needed to change my mindset and allow new information to change how I parent and care for the children, but I didn't know that I have to, and so I struggled a lot when I obstinately clung on to old ways of doing things.

My children and I suffered much. 2013 was a year of horror and I had multiple depressive moods. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I had great times and I had really horrible times. My son was hospitalised for high fever with seizure in early December and just before Christmas, he caught flu again. It was very sad for hubby and me as parents, the grandparents had tough time coming to help, especially my parents, and I felt like a total failure. My whole family fell sick. I had fever which I never had since I had Kieran. Now, my Caitlin is still having cough but we are all recovering. As I declared 2013 the worst year I've ever lived, I am apprehensive that 2014 will be another (more) tormenting year. No matter what, what will come, will come. And me... I just have to brace myself for any tsunamis coming my way.

Edited on 23 October 2014.
Postscript: It is now near the end of 2014, and nope, 2014 is NOT a more tormenting year, in fact it is rather good. Yeah! But still, a dark cloud looms over us in the form of Ebola threat. I hope we will not face another SARS. I still remember the horrible ordeal Singapore went through. Now that I can children myself, I care more about the world and our future. May God bless us!

Quiet happiness

Weekends are chaotic. My mom stays over but she goes home on Friday and comes to help out on Sunday night. So on weekends, hubby & I are left on our own to cope with an attention seeking toddler and a demanding little babe. Wow. You can imagine the mess the house is in. Today I took the chance to quickly sweep the floor while hubby brought Kieran out to buy breakfast and Caitlin was napping. That's about the only chance we get to clean the house on weekends! After that, its challenges after challenges to overcome. Non stop busying around until sleeping time... which is now.

Finally Yilin has patted Kieran to sleep and I've nursed Caitlin to sleep, and I have just a few minutes to do some stuff like washing the kitchen and surfing net and type this blog post here before I go to accompany Caitlin. 

Bringing Caitlin out is a big challenge and through trial and error, I've realised what works and what don't. She's easily disturbed by loud noises, flashing and bright lights and cold air. So shopping malls are bad. Crowded places are bad. This cinderella needs to be home before 8pm. After 8pm, her fussy time starts to get worse and she'll scream her head off in public. So I nurse or rock her to sleep first and place her snugly in my sling carrier, hidden from the lights and shielded from the cold, and as I walk, the walking motion rock her gently in her slumber and she's nice and quiet as we bring Kieran out for dinner and walks. Today that's what we did. We went out for early dinner before 6pm. We had nice fried kway teow and laksa. And bought breakfast for the next day. Later we walked pass a playground in the neighbourhood. Kieran was attracted to the playground and we let him play. He went up and down the slide and played with the "gears" at the playground. And he also tried to interact with the older kids there. These kids are nice kids. I've met really rough ones who went tumbling all over without regards for other kids' safety. We all had fun although it was tiring. Luckily, we reached home before 8pm, and Caitlin was very cooperative. She opened her eyes when we opened the door. Perhaps she smelt "home"? Then the "concert" began. Oh well. We showered Kieran, bathed Caitlin, showered ourselves, had some time to watch the tv, talk a bit, brush Kieran's teeth, and then its sleeping time.

I hope to post pictures of Kieran celebrating birthdays of rabbit babies together at NEX. He had fun eating ice cream, playing with dogs and with his friends that day. I don't have time to upload photos on weekends. Weekdays maybe. Next week.

Looking forward to the baby fair on next Friday, and celebrating Kieran's 2 year old birthday with loved ones on next Sunday. He's going to enjoy it a lot. All the people he loves and adores are going to be there and giving him blessings and presents.

Life as a parent of two is damn tough! But at the end of the day, when the sweet babies sleep, I do feel a sense of quiet happiness. I think of the smiles and laughter that goes on in the day, and I know I will have sweet dreams of those memories at night.

Good night.

Parenting toddler

Kieran has started to show his character and temper.

He's a very active child who's interested to learn every single thing he sees or hears. You only need to say it once and he gets it into his brain, and even very long after, he'll repeat it back to you. His inference skills are great too. He's also bilingual in Chinese and English, and he could show me he knows "open" and "kai" means the same thing. Although he is active, his attention span is good. He could concentrate on learning for a long time and has a great thirst to learn everything around him. It's quite easy to teach him things like names of objects, description of objects, and explain to him concepts which sounds rather difficult for a toddler. It may seem complicated but it seems that he understood the concepts. He would say or show in simple ways that he understood what we are trying to tell him.

But he can be really aggressive. He shows his anger by scratching your face or biting you. He said he wants milk milk but my mother told him "No no." and immediately, his face shows a determined look, and he reached out to scratch her face. Few days ago, I also refused to give him something he wants and he quickly held my arm and bite it. If he couldn't reach me and I refused to give him what he wants, he'll lie flat, face down on the floor and beat the floor with his hands, kick his legs and cry angrily. This is what we call throwing tantrums isn't it?! How do we guide him to release his anger and frustration in a constructive manner? How do we encourage good habits in him?

Its amazing how his character and habit resemble my husband's when he was young. My hubby told me he used to throw tantrums this way - in shopping malls. He also is pretty smart in that he knew his mother's weakness and used it against her. In this case, she was afraid of embarrassment and would give in to him if he throw tantrums in public. For my Kieran, he knew I was soft-hearted, so if said no to milk milk, he would change a softer strategy and said "walk walk" and held my hand to ask me to walk with him to the bedroom, where he would pull me to the bed, lie down, give me a cute hopefully and happy look and request for milk milk, please! Sigh... And the worse is, when I tried to put him to bed, he would suddenly say "poo poo" and wants me to bring him to his potty. He knew after several trials that if we are putting him to sleep, the lights are off and there's no chance for him to play, but if he says he wants to poo, we will immediately bring him to the potty and switch on the lights and he could look around and then play in the play room (which is where the potty is) after that. I found out the poo poos are fake because once he got to his playroom, he would roam around excitedly and forgot he wants to poo, and when we keep introducing the potty to him, he'll say "no no." and went on to play his favourite toys. These smart people knows how to manipulate the situation to their advantages! In terms of diet too, Kieran loves good food, and he likes green stems of vegetables, like my hubby did when he was a kid. Kieran would insist on having the stems and spit out if we attempt to feed him the leaves. But I'm glad at least he accepts vegetables. He's a super fussy eater.

Parenting... parenting... It is really not easy, and with a second one inside me, making tired and nauseous at times, it's even more difficult.

Last night at 3am, I felt a tiny but obvious little jab at my palm when I placed it on my tummy. I thought it must be Caitlin! But I can't be sure because after all, she's only 3 months (13 weeks) now. Could I start feeling her movements so early? I tried to feel it again and press down on my tummy but no more. I hope to feel her again soon :)

Not forgiving anytime soon

With a little baby, there are so many inconveniences to things that would have been simple in life.

Yesterday I was trying to discuss with hubby about the schedules for the coming weeks as I have several baby shower and wedding invitations to attend and I'm not sure baby is fit to attend them with us. For one, he fusses a lot in the evening and it'll be so embarrassing if he cries and cries if I try to feed him. And he still wails when we put him in the car seat for a long ride.

This Sunday I have to attend a wedding in the morning, a baby shower in the evening, Monday, another wedding in the evening, then during the weekend, I was hoping to put money in baby's CDA account for use when we need it. Next Sat, we have to attend a relative's house warming and baby must go for this one, then the following week is another good friend's baby shower.

But I am very sad. Yesterday when Hubby and I had a chance to talk over dinner, all he was concerned about was Groupon discounts and surfing the net. I haven't completed my sentence and he was already calling someone over the phone about something he read online. I had appalled by his lack of interest in what I was saying. I am interested in planning a schedule but he was more interested in commenting on other people's choice of baby shower timings. Irritated max. It got to the extend that I snatch his handphone from him in an attempt to make him listen but I guess that attempt failed too. I felt like smashing the idiot phone against the wall although I returned it to him. Later, I went in to look after baby and he knew I was unhappy but that's too late. If he doesn't care, then why should I bother? I will just make the arrangements myself and he doesn't need to be in the picture since he doesn't care.

Sometimes it pains me to see how less effort hubby is investing in baby's care. I understand he has to work. But the most he did is to hold baby awhile in the evening. He doesn't need to wake up in the middle of the night to care for baby, change diaper or feed baby. I try to let him sleep as much as possible and be as stress free as possible by doing everything myself but I dun want him to take things for granted. Does he know that other dads wake up in the middle of the night to rock baby to sleep when they wake up crying? Does he know that other dads come home to play with baby, change nappy, cook dinner etc instead of checking mails, reading news and watching tv like he does?

I refused to talk to him much in the morning. He doesn't realized his mistake. Guys will not reaslise their mistake if you tell them how wrong they are in the face. Guys will never learn. Even after he sensed that something is wrong, he doesn't know how he can make it right. He just sleeps at the time he sleeps everyday. Even though he knows my love language is "quality time", he doesn't give me the attention that I require. These few nights, it is always dinner, feeding baby and then I will entertain baby until he sleeps, and wake up in the middle of the night to care for baby while he continue on his usual lifestyle of sleeping before 11pm and wakes up for work. Its not that I am complaining about the unfairness. I just want him to realise all these doesn't come easy. He comes home to marvel at baby's cuteness while I do all the work and the pacifying.

Yes, I'm feeling very bitter, and no, I am not ready to forgive him. Especially since he isn't even doing anything to ask for forgiveness too. Taking too much for granted... taking too much for granted... :(

settling down with baby

Settling down in my new home. Its cool to be here in Punggol. The weather is almost always cool, and at night, when there's a storm, the wind raged up a cool howling sound, like wolves' howls. Isn't it great? Its like sleeping in a tent in the wild. I've always always love nature!

The cool weather is great for my baby. He's really scared of heat. It pains me to see him sweaty all over after a nap. Oh yes, baby fusses every evening but the change is that I've already got used to it and am prepared to handle his fusses even though he still tires me out every time. Hubby came home late usually, and after dinner and unpacking some stuff, he needs to sleep earlier to prepare for tomorrow's work, and boy, he really can sleep over baby's cries -.-" So its up to me alone to entertain this little tyke until he got tired and finally sleep.

Our house is in a mess coz there r just so many things to unpack and tidy up. So many things to do everyday. Feeding baby, bathing baby etc, all these are routine chores. So when I get some free time, I'll do the unpacking and sorting.

I'm extremely grateful to my parents and parents in law for coming over to help with household chores and cooking. I really cannot imagine doing all these alone with a small baby to care for. I dun mind it if I have full night's sleep but this little one has been waking me up 3 times over the night, and demands to be held and played with in the early morning. Which machine has this much energy?

Today, we bring baby out. He's getting very used to the car seat and does not fusses as much as the first time we put him in it. Dad drove us to visit my aunts. One of my aunts is handicapped so she couldn't come to visit baby. She's so happy to see my baby just now. Then we went out for lunch at Greenland Vegetarian Restaurant. Very tasty food. I will rate it 8/10. As we ate, baby too, had his "lunch" over the breastfeeding cover. Haha. He's so guai, not making too much noises and not fussing. Otherwise, I'll have to entertain him and walk around, which isn't so convenient in a restaurant. I love it when he unlatches after he's had his fill and sleep soundly at my chest. He looks so contented and so snugly warm.

He's now sleeping on my parents' bed. At my parents home now after lunch. Hubby is coming for dinner, and then we'll go home together with baby. I'm enjoying the day :)

Refusing to nap

Baby was super active yesterday. He refused to nap and fussed at my breast since afternoon.

The night before, he skipped his evening fussiness and kept sleeping after feeds. I thought it's a wonderful break for hubby and me. Little did I know that he will pay it back double the next day. Lol...

I was so tired by evening that I handed baby to mother in law and took naps. Actually I was hoping hubby would come home to help but he suddenly felt weakness in his body and usually that is the first sign of cold or flu for him. So he kept a distance from baby, wore a mask and slept outside. I can only depend on myself. I told him it's alright, I'm independent. But in the end, I gave up and handed baby to mother in law to be coaxed to sleep after I fed him. I tried to ignore his cries and whimpers which melted my heart and tried to catch some sleep myself.

I was glad that the next time I heard baby crying for milk, it's 3am already. Mother in law had put baby to sleep in the cot beside me. I'm amazed she managed to rock baby to sleep. It must have been very difficult. Baby is extremely naughty during his fussy period and he'll demand for so much attention and threaten to be rocked in his favourite way or else face his loud and endless cry.

Now baby is stretching and grunting in the cot. Not yet in deep deep sleep yet. Boy, his grunts are super loud! He just had his milk and I've pumped out the rest of the milk to relieve engorgement. I really should have sterilized the pump so as to pump and keep the milk. I pumped out one full bottle. Such a waste to throw it away but I was too tired and didn't think clearly. I usually try to keep the milk I pump out during night feeds because milk flow is faster between midnight to 6am and I really can pump out a lot to store at a short time. Never mind, I shall do that for the second feed.

Baby picks up routine very quickly. When he wakes up in the morning, he needs to have milk. After morning bath, he needs to have milk, even if he'd had milk shortly before, he'll still demand for it. If he's not hungry, he'll drink only a few minutes but at least he suckled and that's good enough for him. This tells me that I have to train him sleeping routine as soon as he begin to want to sleep longer. I read that babies will develop sleep wake cycle at 6-8weeks old, so at this time, it's best time to develop a good sleeping routine that will help baby sleep better and be less fussy during sleeping time.

Time for bed before baby wakes up for second night feed. Good night... I mean... Morning... Yawn...

Preconceptions vs Reality of parenthood

Before having my baby, I thought babies... :
Sleep like sweet angels at night :)
Reality:
Babies grunt and groan when they stretch. Mine is super loud and makes lots of noises.

Before having my baby, I thought babies... :
Will be peaceful and lovely all day and night.
Reality:
There is such thing as evening fussiness when babies cry and fuss and is just very naughty and won't sleep... And there's nothing we can do but to entertain him until he sleeps.

Before having my baby, I thought... :
The biggest challenge is breastfeeding - having enough milk, correct latching, baby drinking well etc. Follow the book and I'll be ok...
Reality
Throw away the book. Every baby is different. Ok, the book on breastfeeding does help to understand basic concepts but breastfeeding isn't about following everything the book says. Following my baby's character and demands is more important.

Before having my baby, I thought... :
I'll still have lots of time to rest and enjoy doing craft and art.
Reality:
Feeing baby every 2-3hr and waking up at night to feed him 2-3 times? No more time and energy to do other stuff. Maybe until he's a little older...

Before having my baby, I thought... :
I'll still be the same me whatever happens.
Reality:
Never have I felt such intense love and desire to protect someone other than myself. I will brave storms, face monsters, ghosts, evils and even fierce dogs and cockroaches for the sake of my little one. I guess I'm not the same anymore.

There are still more realisation to come. Being a mother makes me understand with deeper meaning when my parents tell me how sick I fell when I was a child and how worried they were, how concerned they are when I refused to eat, and the problems they faced when I was a baby. They seemed easy before I faced them myself but now, I can understand the feelings of being a parent. "Being a parent" these simple words encompasses more than you could think of.