Recently, a neighbour saw my children and commented that Kieran is very fair and good looking, and that Caitlin is darker.
Caitlin told my mother that, “No, I am fair. I look like mummy. I am pretty.”
I hope this meant that she has a healthy self-esteem and she was maintaining her view no matter what other people say. It also meant, as we all already know, that our darling girl is a very strong-willed child. She will have what she wants and she will not accept other inferior offers.
Girls are more sensitive to other people’s comments on appearances. I hug her everyday and tell her that she is pretty and cute, and she’s our darling princess. Some parents may frown at what we do, thinking these are indulgences that will spoil the child. I do not think so. Our children need to derive their self-esteem from somewhere and when they are at this age when what we do and say means the world to them, our words and actions affect their self-esteem greatly. I will tell her she is kind, she is generous, she is nice, she is pretty, she is like a princess, she is like a ballerina, she is like a baby, she is our darling and she will be who I say she is. If I were to tell her she is naughty, she is mischievous, she is hopeless, she is greedy, she is ugly, she is fat, she is cruel, she is unworthy, she will also be who I say she is. So I avoid those negative descriptions, especially “naughty” which sometimes come out of my mouth before I can stop myself.
Recently, when I practise piano with my son, he always displays an unwilling attitude which pisses me off very much. I was very stern with him and he cried badly yesterday. His lackadaisical attitude infuriated me and my stern attitude distressed him. He cried and protested which angered me more. He said he want “happy day”. He did not want the day to turn out to become “sad day” or “bad day”. I realised he must not be behaving in that way in purpose. Perhaps he had not gotten into the mood of practice and he had not understood the expectations of practising.
I spent a long time explaining to Kieran what is expected of him during piano practice and he cannot be just putting on a show, negotiate for playing just once for treats, and quickly run away back to his toys after a short practice which he did not even put in any effort for. As I spoke to him, I thought of the primary five boy who committed suicide and his distraught mother beside his dead body shouting, “I only ask for 70 marks, I don't expect you to get 80 marks.” In the News article here, the State Coroner urged parents and educators to remind children that "their efforts in study may not always yield a commensurate result, and also that such failures are transient or temporary events". This taught me a very important lesson. We have to understand the expectations and stresses imposed by our expectations from the perspectives of our children. We may feel that the expectation was manageable but in the eyes of our children, our well-meaning expectations may be a struggle or a distress. For piano, a main part of the stress to meet expectations come from the teacher and the group lesson. When the teacher stressed the importance of practice and when the other students can play much better than ours, we start to feel that perhaps there are something else I or my child could have done. Is this unlike the Primary school stresses? Studies are important and practice is important, and children, like all children since time immemorial, will choose play over studies and practice.
I will start to introduce warm up time and cool down time before piano practice - gentle encouragement to get him to mentally warm up to the practice mood, and hugs to end the practice session. I think that will make the session lighter and happier. It is sad that time is a factor we are lacking in. As busy working parents, we find it so hard to fit in homework and practice to the small window of time we have after dinner and before bed time. I wish so much that I can better balance work and parenting responsibilities.
Recently, while working I like to listen to a singer Yao Bei Na’s theme songs on Zhen Huan Zhuan. I liked the drama which has its story based on ancient Chinese Emperor’s harem. Another thing I like about listening to this song is that they teach me not to take things too hard. The singer Yao Bei Na is dead at 33 years old after losing battle to metastasis breast cancer that has invaded other organs. She was once so beautiful, famous and wealthy. She could have everything she wanted that many others could only dream of. If life is destined to end, nothing can buy us more time. Many people argue that money can buy you the best doctor and best treatment, and likely prolong life and quality of life. These people have probably not looked death and terminal illness in the face before. I work in a Hospital and I know that if the cancer is aggressive, the only care is palliative and the suffering and pain makes no difference whether you are a millionaire or a pauper. The drama which she sang the theme songs for is also on a story about people who have once lived and long gone from this place. The Earth is a place where people come and go. These emperors, empress, concubines and servants who once wield much power are now only history. In this long passage of history, one would wonder the purpose of being, and the purpose of life. A spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle once said, “You are the universe, expressing itself as a human for a little while.” Indeed, the only wealth we are entitled to in this lifetime is time which is limited and precious, and is to be used wisely before we once again, return to the embrace of the Universe - or God.
