First Day of School for Kieran and Caitlin

2 January 2018 was an exciting and nerve-wrecking first day of school for Kieran and Caitlin - exciting for the children and nerve-wrecking for me. The night before, I could not sleep and it was very cold. In the morning, I snoozed the alarm clock and guess what, the next moment I opened my eyes, the sky was bright and I remembered lying in bed and wondering... "is the sky supposed to be so blue and bright?" Then I eyes wandered to the wall clock which read 7.25am... they lingered on for awhile before the word "Late!" screamed and resonated in every cells of my body. Yeah, it sounded rather dramatic but yes, that was exactly how I felt. So I jumped up, woke hubby who looked equally shocked, grabbed my groggy little Kieran, brushed his teeth, gave him milk, and hubby and Kieran were out the door in 5 minutes. Then I went to prepare Caitlin and called hubby to help send her to school after he sent Kieran. Fortunately, Kieran's Primary school is just across the road from our home and Caitlin's school is a short walk away. Phew... With some positive vibes and quick actions, the day went on pretty well. We even managed to gather lots of nice pictures of them!

Here's one of them together before they go into the school gate on the second day of school (because first day of school morning was too rush for a picture of them together).

On the second day of school, we received invitation to download the Class messenger and a welcome letter from his Form Teacher and Co-Form Teacher with their email addresses. We are glad that there are now more modes of communication between home and school compared to when I was a Primary school student. I also joined the parent chat group in Whatsapp and we shared lots of feedback to keep each other updated. Our wish for Kieran who has now entered formal schooling, is that he will enjoy going to school, develop strong friendship with his friends and teachers, and continue to hone his keenness and joy for learning and exploring new ideas. He has come so far from that reserved little creature hiding within his shells. My wish for myself is to be more chill, learn to relax and not get over-stressed about the children's well-being, always leave work on time so that I can reach home early and guide the children in their homework and have heart to heart chats with them, and of course to wake up in time for EVERY school morning.

Kieran has a no-tear beginning in his Kindergarten, and he did not cry at all in Primary school. Caitlin has a relatively tearless beginning as well. I believe starting the children late for school helps a lot. They both begin school when they are five years old. At this age, they are ready for healthy separation from caregivers and they have formed strong attachment with us and their day time caregivers, my parents. They are ready to explore beyond that safe home environment, curious about their surroundings, and eager to forge friendships and bonds with teachers and classmates. Against all odds, we made the decision to start education late for our children. Pretty unusual for Singaporeans. Academic is not the most important in our minds although I know my children will most likely be ardent readers and academically strong as their characters seem very close to my hubby and mine. Kieran, especially, if I'm not wrong, because he seems to have an unusual thinking process, very good memory, and he reads rather proficiently at this age. I remembered I brought the children to my friend's house for a playdate. The children were at the void deck, playing with a Roller Racer (ride on toy car) but he's more interested in the striking red, round fruits at the bottom of several wayside trees. He told me he wanted to step on one, squash it and see how it's like inside, and he's wondering whether it's edible, poisonous or whether the birds eat it (I told him that if birds eat the fruits, most likely humans can too). Then the children went up and all the girls took shower together. My girl squealed with delight at showering (and playing water) with the other girls. He stood at a corner, refused to take off his clothes, insisted to shower alone. Later, I asked Caitlin if it was fun and Kieran commented on the silliness of it all.

One problem I find myself having is I love my children so much that I tend to tell others we met about them without realising it. Today, I rambled on about Kieran to a friend and he was sitting beside me. I stopped myself in time and then I looked at Kieran, wondering if he's upset. It seemed like he's ok but I don't think I should do that at all. Somethings are meant to be between the child and mother and as parents, we do need to respect their privacy and share with others only what they agree should be shared. I shall be more mindful of that in future.

The first week of school has ended. Let's look forward to the second week, where formal lesson begins. Oh gosh... Where is that timetable? We need to start packing the bag according to timetable now...

The two loves of my life

Kieran is the love of my life. 

We, as parents may experience unconditional love for our children the moment they are born. But children also give us unconditional love in more ways than we expect.

Today I felt sad for some reason. I guessed it was apparent that I looked sad. Kieran was playing his lego and I told him to come play the piano. He was reluctant. He paused as he considered and told me there are two "forces" in him, one said go and practice piano, one said continue to play. He said the force that said continue to play is stronger. I proceeded to explain to him the consequences of choosing to listen to either "force". I wanted to say if he choose the force that said practice piano, firstly, mummy will be happy, secondly, he will be gaining the knowledge and experience in his brain to play better. If he choose the force that said continue to play, firstly mummy will be sad and secondly, his brain will not learn anything substantial and will only learn playing with lego. But he did not need all these explanation. The moment he heard "mummy will be happy", he immediately ran over to the piano and get ready to practice. I was so touched. I told him all the reasons anyway n I taught him the starting notes for "Starwars main theme" after we practice the Yamaha JMC homework. I said thank you and hugged him afterwards. And allowed him to go back to his creative lego world.

Later, before we slept, Kieran saw that I was still unhappy (although I tried not to appear so, you really can't hide from a HSC), and he told me, mummy if you are feeling unhappy, take a deep breath- breathe in, breathe out. Try try! Now, do you feel better? I said yes and laughed and we asked who taught him that? He said his teacher did. So thankful that he learnt this in school.

Caitlin is the cutest little love of my life. She would talk in the cutest way. When she saw small adorable animals in the Zoo, she squealed and cock her head to a side, and said "I feel like pinching their chubby cheeks and say so cute!"

When she saw that I was sad, she won't say much. She will just give me a kiss on the cheek to drive the sadness away. I love her thoughtfulness and her sensitivity to my feelings.

What I like about her most is her orderliness and her independence. She would keep the toys in order and eat her meals eagerly.

She likes to pretend that she's still a baby and she will snuggle up to me and pretend to cry like a baby. I enjoy it. I want to snuggle and cuddle and coddle my lovely children for as long as possible. I tell them they were loved the moment they were conceived in my tummy.

Caitlin looked at my reproachfully and said I scolded her many times and she was sad when I scolded her. I hugged her and told her not to just remember those times that we scolded her but remember those sweet moments we enjoyed together, that mummy kissed and hugged and took care of her. She hugged me and smiled.

What sensible and beautiful children I have.

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket – It does matter, also, what baskets you have

I read in a parenting book for parents/caregivers of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) written by psychologist Prof Elaine Aron, that children's brain are wired in childhood, mostly before 3 years old. They will be wired to categorise their experiences into “events” or into “good and bad”. People who are depressed often categorise things into “good” basket or “bad” basket. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised. They put “basketball” into the “bad basket” and they think “I am lousy because I fail at basketball.” People who are not depressed categorise experiences into “Sports”, “Academic”, “Family”, “Friends”,etc. In each category, there is good and there is bad. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised, they put “Basketball” under sports and they think “I don’t do well at basketball, maybe it’s not for me, but I have ‘academic’ and ‘family’ and ‘friends’ which I am good at in several ways.”

Most of these “wiring” happens in childhood but that does not mean it cannot happen in adulthood. It’s just that in adulthood, it is harder to change. That is why children learn new things and adapt to new environment faster than adults. If adults want to “rewire”, they have to put in more effort and in some cases, if they too emotionally affected by the childhood experiences (due to trauma or depression) they have to receive therapy to help themselves “rewire”.

The psychologist said she often see adult patients and she worked with them to re-wire their brain which requires long, dedicated therapy and of course comes with a hefty bill. She said if we, as parents, built up our children’s self-esteem and “wire their brain right” in the beginning, it can save them a lot of heartache and troubles going for therapy to get their life back in shape.

If they are regularly criticised or given a global label, eg: "You are a naughty girl!" or "You are stupid." or "Why are you always so clumsy?", these labels will encourage them to categorise all that they meet and do into the “bad” and “good” category. They will think “I am all bad because I cannot do this.” That’s why we have to change the way we say from “You are a naughty girl” to “This is a very naughty behaviour.” In this way we target the behaviour, not the person, and we can further set a target to change the behaviour.

I use this for my children and I can see the change in my daughter. My daughter is more stubborn and cannot control her temper. She often hit her brother when she’s moody or angry, even when her brother did not provoke her. I often made the mistake of saying “Mei, you are so naughty!” Now I have changed it to “Mei, hitting is a naughty behaviour. If people do naughty things, they go to naughty corner.” After making sure she understands, I’ll always hug her and explain to her. Yesterday she scratched Kieran and made him cry. She cried because I made her stand in the naughty corner. Kieran was sad but he, as kind as usual, told me to hug mei mei bcoz she was crying. I asked Kieran whether his cheek was still painful. He said, “No.” I asked whether his heart hurts. He said, “Yes.” I explained to Caitlin that if u hit people, people’s heart will hurt, even long after the physical wound stops hurting. I told her if you hit Gor gor, Gor gor will cry, I will also cry because I love Gor gor. She is better at control now. She will lose control when she’s over tired which was what happened yesterday. Caitlin may not undertand now although I hope one day, she will. But I’m sure Kieran understood that I understand him and I hope he felt understood enough to forgive and continue to love his sister.

Magical Bonding

Children have the power to weave magic into our souls. They may be mischievous and require some disciplining at times but none of their acts are done with malicious intent. In fact even the naughtiest act are done with the purest of heart. I treasure every bonding opportunity I have with them.

On sunny Saturday, we went to give mooncakes to our relatives, visit my mother in law, and let the children enjoy playing sand and playground at park near her flat. We enjoyed our day thoroughly. My brother in law drove us home. Hubby showed brother in law his new curved computer monitor. I made a DIY lantern with Kieran. At night, I hugged both my little ones to sleep.

On Sunday, we went to watch Paw Patrol live at City Square Mall, ate ice cream waffle, drink Chamomile tea, bought Iron man shirt and pants for Kieran whose pee got onto his clothes when daddy brought him to pee (I’m going to be the one to bring him to the toilet, next time we go out), bought Frisbee and swimsuit and googles for the children at Decathlon, went home for recharge and dinner, then for lantern festival organized by RC (Residential Committee). Lanterns of all shapes and colours and music light up the way. Little Caitlin was frightened when we walked along the Waterway carrying lanterns. She said the water was black and the sky was black. I carried her and spoke to her as we walk. She needed me and my closeness reassured her. She threw a big tantrum when we stop by a café to rest. She was angry that the Milo was hot, angry that I drank her Milo and angry with basically everything. She was overtired. Daddy took her aside and spoke to her firmly. Kieran cried. He tried to cover daddy’s mouth when he was speaking firmly to Caitlin. I took him away and he cried, saying that he need to go and save his sister. So both stood and cried together. It was hilarious. Hubby and I laughed despite feeling hot and frustrated.

On the way home, Caitlin had fallen asleep and we tried to keep her asleep but she woke up as we wiped her down. She giggled and played with Kieran for a while before they finally become sleepy. Kieran said he was so tired, he felt giddy. He lay beside me in bed and talked to me tiredly. Caitlin has fallen asleep. I told him to go to sleep and he would feel better tomorrow morning. He turned around to hug his bolster. I kissed his cheek and said goodnight. He hugged me and fell asleep. That was an ordinarily magical night.

On cool and breezy Monday, which is a public holiday, we woke up late, and we went to visit the children’s grand aunt at her condominium. We went swimming with the new swim suit and googles that we bought. The children both love and fear the water. Caitlin accidentally fell into the water and I scooped her up almost immediately. I read up on silent drowning and dry drowning and I’m certainly not going to take chances. I am going to keep my eyes on both as much as I could. Their gleeful faces and surprise at the almost novel experience in the water were recorded as the most pleasant memory in my mind. The memory isn’t all pleasant for Caitlin who whispered to me at night that she does not want to go swimming. Right after we pulled them out of the water to go for lunch, she had happily announced that she want to come back swimming again. I told her, “That’s because you are sad now, so you remembered the sad things about swimming. You are sad because mummy scolded you for scratching gor gor, and this made you think about sad things like falling into the water and having water in your nose during the swim. Not all that happened are sad. I caught you quickly when you fell and I hugged you tight. Remember?” I saw her lips moved up slightly in a smile, and I imagined her remembering the fun and the hug. I kissed her goodnight.

She had scratched Kieran because he was talking beside her on the bed, and she was in a bad mood. I put her in the naughty corner and hugged poor Kieran. Kieran told me to go and hug Mei mei because she was crying. I asked him does it still hurt. He said no. I asked him whether his heart hurts. He said yes. I told Mei mei, “You should not hit people or scratch people even if you are very angry. You can can voice out that you are angry but you cannot hit. When the pain goes away, the heart will still hurt. The hurt in the heart don’t go away quickly.” Kieran understood that I understand and he felt much better. I don’t know whether Mei Mei understood but I hope one day she will, and she will learn to control her temper.

We do not deal violence with violence. We don’t act on impulses. Because we are adults, we are the role models. We manage violence with love and compassion. Children’s brains are constantly learning and wiring and re-wiring to learn the ropes of the world. They have to learn through us that kind words and actions are what heals, not enforcement, punishment and violence.

I hugged both children to sleep. Mei mei was woken up by frightening nightmares a few times. I held her in my arms and she fell asleep, reassured. The nights with my beloved children are the most treasured and important. Daddy and I stressed to complete our pre-bedtime routine – the oatmilk, the brushing of teeth, changing of PJs, the 5 min allowance to play, the pee and poo, etc. Then bedtime is the magical moment. We read stories, we conjured our own stories, we chatted, we sang, we whispered secrets to each other.

I see from their eyes that they need me, they want me, they are with me, and those are enough reasons to go on.

Our Highly Sensitive Child

My hubby and I have always known that Kieran isn’t a textbook baby. He was a high demand baby and it took a lot of time to get him to wind down and get ready for bed. Being first time parents, we are not entirely sure what we do is right or wrong. We just go with what we believe is best for our precious baby. My first maternal instinct is to go for attachment parenting. I realized I was practicing attachment parenting way before I knew there was a term for it. It goes so well with our breastfeeding-on-demand and co-sleeping routine. I was chided many times by well-meaning elders because of Kieran’s clinginess to me. Their comments had me questioning whether my parenting style created my child’s behavior or whether his behavior created my parenting style? I came across a lovely story that says every child was once an angel in Heaven, and before they came, they chose their mummies (and daddies too), because they love this mummy and only this woman will be the most perfect mother for them. I believe Kieran chose me for a reason. He knows I will be the most suitable mother, adapting the most suitable parenting style that agree with his needs to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually in a chaotic and confusing world like ours. So I stopped doubting and I went on with what goes best for Kieran and me even though our parenting style veered totally off the pragmatic and traditional Asian parenting style.

1. When Kieran began school at the age of four, he was more than ready to experience a world without mummy and daddy constantly by his side. His character became more defined, and we started to realise that he reacts to situation differently from other children. We have a daughter, two years younger than Kieran so it is natural that we compare their developmental milestones. 
2. When we bring him to the playground, Kieran will stand at the side to watch and consider before he climbs up the safest structure. When he reacted this way as a two year old, I thought when he’s older and physically stronger, he will change. But he didn’t as a four year old. My daughter squeals with delight when she sees a playground and immediately rushes up the ladder or slide, never mind whether it’s safe or not. 
3. Kieran gets overwhelmed easily in crowded places and he starts to throw tantrums when something does not go his way. His tantrums are intense and shows that he is really experiencing a lot of pain inside. My daughter is less easily overwhelmed although she’s clingy to me too. Her tantrums are shorter and more related to unhappiness with unmet demands than to internal struggles.

Looking back, the differences in my two children are obvious since their birth. Kieran’s speech developed way earlier than his peers. He started talking when he was 10 months old. I remembered clearly that his first word was “bus”. He couldn’t pronounce that “s” sound so it sounded something like “ba” but he was vehemently gesturing towards the buses that zoomed past to make sure that we know he was referring to them. His speech developed in leaps and bounds, and by the time he’s 17 months old, we could have a proper albeit simple conversation with him. However, we were worried about his physical development because even though he finger grasp was good, and he could walk with support, he didn’t take his first independent steps until he was 17 months old and even then, his steps were shaky and he was prone to falls. My daughter, on the other hand, was our perfect textbook baby. She slept when it’s time to sleep, eat when it’s time to eat, talk when it’s time to talk, and walk when it’s time to walk. I thank God for her! She is lovely, lively, feisty, and caring.

Every time we bring our children out, and we observe how our two children play and interact with their surroundings, it became clearer that Caitlin is behaving like how we believe normal children should behave. Kieran, on the other hand, makes us scratch our head and sometimes cry in despair, trying to unravel what’s eating him. By the time Kieran was four years old, my husband and I looked at each other and said, “Kieran is not like other children. Something isn’t right but it isn’t very wrong either.”

He’s happy, healthy, developing well, he’s even very smart. He’s very observant and talks like an adult. Then I came across this article on The Highly Sensitive Child and a checklist on Highly Sensitive Child (HSC). I could tick almost everything on the list. I started to read up more about the HSC. I read Dr Elaine Aron’s articles and Ted Zed’s book on parenting a Highly Sensitive Boy, and joined a parents’ support group online and read about how other people are dealing with their HSC. I shared this new knowledge with my husband and my parents and in laws. Everyone was surprised because the description of a HSC fits our darling Kieran to a Tee! Suddenly, every falls into place. I researched online for ways to creatively help a HSC cope in life. Quoting Dr Elaine Aron, “A highly sensitive child is one of the fifteen to twenty percent of children born with a nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react to everything. This makes them quick to grasp subtle changes, prefer to reflect deeply before acting, and generally behave conscientiously. They are also easily overwhelmed by high levels of stimulation, sudden changes, and the emotional distress of others.” I’m grateful to Dr Aron’s work. Being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) herself, and having done extensive research on HSP, she understands and feels deeply how it is like to be highly sensitive.

Ted Zed said in his book that HSB’s compassionate and sensitive nature should be nurtured because they may become part of the next generation of men to take the helm of our world’s leadership, and they have a rippling effect on the decision-making process of traditional non-sensitive leaders who are responsible for implementations with dire effects on the environment and humanity, for instance destroying large areas of primary forest for urban development, raging wars, and using hard-handed measures during conflicts. However, when I look at my son timidly considering before participating in a group activity yesterday, I couldn’t help but wonder how a shy, sensitive, easily hurt and affected boy can raise up against those stronger, louder, scarier people in larger numbers. Highly sensitive people are, after all, statistically few in our population. That is why I will continue to gently encourage, support and groom my boy, so that he gradually but surely gains confidence to face his own fears, and in future, when we as parents, cannot be physically guiding him anymore, he will fall back on these positive experiences to face, counter, and overcome his fears, and will emerge, amidst adversities, as a better, stronger, more enlightened soul.

一家人在一起才幸福

Very emo today because hubby isn't around these few days.

I'm used to having us together as a family. Like Kieran said, "一家人在一起才幸福."

I will take this chance to clean up the house and make sure everything is neat before hubby return home.

The happiest moment of my day is at night, when I have gotten the kids ready for bed, teeth brushed, clothes changed, and we tumble around together on our big family bed. Two days ago, I stayed over at my parents' place and it just didn't feel right. I refused to stay over tonight at my parents' house after a relative's wedding dinner banquet. Here at home, our cozy bedroom is our paradise, our natural habitat, and I'd love to cuddle the children, nurse my little Mei mei, throw bolster missiles at Kieran, tell them bedtime stories and give them more cuddles before it's lights out and kiss good night. They snuggle in close to me as they drift off to sleep. Sounds like a mother bear snuggling in a den with her baby cubs?

That is what 幸福 is about.

Caitlin's First Step!

As of today, Caitlin is 15 months and 24 days old. Today, she just took her first step! She has been trying to stand and walk by herself since last month and today, she has finally done it! Hurray! Baby steps but our guess is that before the end of the week, she'll be toddling around the house!

We went to Changi Airport Terminal 3 to see the Disney installations. Here's Caitlin at the T3 Kopitiam (where there's vegetarian food stall! Yeah!) drinking from her sippy cup by herself.

Caitlin looking cute!

Kieran looking cute!

Enjoying home cooked kway teow and mee, cooked with love by daddy. Even when going out, we make sure the children have healthy home cooked meals. We bought a good tumbler (保温壶) to keep the food warm.

Little Caitlin is also developing well speech wise. 

Here's some of the milestones reached.

Motor skills:

• Great hand eye coordination. She picks up tiny objects from the ground with great expertise. We just have to make sure she don't put them into her mouth.
• Can cruise around the house.
• Crawls well and now learning to walk. Can take a few steps unaided!

Speech skills:

• Calls mama, ah mah, papa, gor gor (calls him da da)
• Tries to vocalise "ah gong" but can't say out.
• Recognise and says bear as "Bah"
• Recognise many objects like apple (she makes a eating gesture), rabbit (she jumps), lion (she roars), cow (she moos), goat (she says baa!), fish and bird (she makes kiss gesture to shows she loves them), flowers (she says "hua"), stars (makes twinkle twinkle gestures with hands), sun (sings ah ah ah because I sing 太阳公公 whenever I point to the sun), moon (she tries to say "moon").

Although Caitlin's speech development isn't as fast as her gor gor's, she's quite on par with children at her age. Jia you, Caitlin! It's such a joy to hug this little angel close to me everyday, smell her pleasant scent, kiss her soft cheek and feel her soft hair everyday! And she's so loving. She will kiss my cheek and daddy's cheek. She's not as milk milk addict as Kieran was before but she definitely loves her milk milk. She still nurses a few times a day and every time to sleep. She wakes up several times at night to nurse. But I'm not complaining. Co-sleeping helps very much in getting enough sleep for me, and she soothes back to sleep easily with nursing. Her favourite person is mummy! Who else can provide food (milk), comfort, fun all in one?

One thing I notice about play in Caitlin that is very different from Kieran, is that when she is given an object like a ring, she will put it over her arm and wear it like a bangle. Kieran will never attempt that! It's a girl thing, I guess? Haha. Children never cease to amaze me :)