The two loves of my life

Kieran is the love of my life. 

We, as parents may experience unconditional love for our children the moment they are born. But children also give us unconditional love in more ways than we expect.

Today I felt sad for some reason. I guessed it was apparent that I looked sad. Kieran was playing his lego and I told him to come play the piano. He was reluctant. He paused as he considered and told me there are two "forces" in him, one said go and practice piano, one said continue to play. He said the force that said continue to play is stronger. I proceeded to explain to him the consequences of choosing to listen to either "force". I wanted to say if he choose the force that said practice piano, firstly, mummy will be happy, secondly, he will be gaining the knowledge and experience in his brain to play better. If he choose the force that said continue to play, firstly mummy will be sad and secondly, his brain will not learn anything substantial and will only learn playing with lego. But he did not need all these explanation. The moment he heard "mummy will be happy", he immediately ran over to the piano and get ready to practice. I was so touched. I told him all the reasons anyway n I taught him the starting notes for "Starwars main theme" after we practice the Yamaha JMC homework. I said thank you and hugged him afterwards. And allowed him to go back to his creative lego world.

Later, before we slept, Kieran saw that I was still unhappy (although I tried not to appear so, you really can't hide from a HSC), and he told me, mummy if you are feeling unhappy, take a deep breath- breathe in, breathe out. Try try! Now, do you feel better? I said yes and laughed and we asked who taught him that? He said his teacher did. So thankful that he learnt this in school.

Caitlin is the cutest little love of my life. She would talk in the cutest way. When she saw small adorable animals in the Zoo, she squealed and cock her head to a side, and said "I feel like pinching their chubby cheeks and say so cute!"

When she saw that I was sad, she won't say much. She will just give me a kiss on the cheek to drive the sadness away. I love her thoughtfulness and her sensitivity to my feelings.

What I like about her most is her orderliness and her independence. She would keep the toys in order and eat her meals eagerly.

She likes to pretend that she's still a baby and she will snuggle up to me and pretend to cry like a baby. I enjoy it. I want to snuggle and cuddle and coddle my lovely children for as long as possible. I tell them they were loved the moment they were conceived in my tummy.

Caitlin looked at my reproachfully and said I scolded her many times and she was sad when I scolded her. I hugged her and told her not to just remember those times that we scolded her but remember those sweet moments we enjoyed together, that mummy kissed and hugged and took care of her. She hugged me and smiled.

What sensible and beautiful children I have.

Kieran’s 5th Birthday

Today is Kieran’s fifth birthday. As I am writing this, he must have given away the birthday goodie bags to his classmates and has met my mom who is bringing him home from school. We celebrated his birthday last weekend and he had a really great time enjoying the company, the ice cream cake, goodies and presents!

Kieran’s birthday is the most significant for me because it means that I am a mother for the fifth year. On this very day, five years ago, my perspective on life changed considerably.

How I wish I can fit work into my schedule instead of family life around my fixed working hours. Perhaps one day, the world will recognise the need for an all-rounded life for all workers. Perhaps one day, the world will glorify and empathise with the role of mothers.

It is unbelievable how long we have come on this journey. I wish the best of health and the most peaceful of mind to my loveliest children, and I wish blessings on the children of this world, who are the future of this world we love.

Magical Bonding

Children have the power to weave magic into our souls. They may be mischievous and require some disciplining at times but none of their acts are done with malicious intent. In fact even the naughtiest act are done with the purest of heart. I treasure every bonding opportunity I have with them.

On sunny Saturday, we went to give mooncakes to our relatives, visit my mother in law, and let the children enjoy playing sand and playground at park near her flat. We enjoyed our day thoroughly. My brother in law drove us home. Hubby showed brother in law his new curved computer monitor. I made a DIY lantern with Kieran. At night, I hugged both my little ones to sleep.

On Sunday, we went to watch Paw Patrol live at City Square Mall, ate ice cream waffle, drink Chamomile tea, bought Iron man shirt and pants for Kieran whose pee got onto his clothes when daddy brought him to pee (I’m going to be the one to bring him to the toilet, next time we go out), bought Frisbee and swimsuit and googles for the children at Decathlon, went home for recharge and dinner, then for lantern festival organized by RC (Residential Committee). Lanterns of all shapes and colours and music light up the way. Little Caitlin was frightened when we walked along the Waterway carrying lanterns. She said the water was black and the sky was black. I carried her and spoke to her as we walk. She needed me and my closeness reassured her. She threw a big tantrum when we stop by a café to rest. She was angry that the Milo was hot, angry that I drank her Milo and angry with basically everything. She was overtired. Daddy took her aside and spoke to her firmly. Kieran cried. He tried to cover daddy’s mouth when he was speaking firmly to Caitlin. I took him away and he cried, saying that he need to go and save his sister. So both stood and cried together. It was hilarious. Hubby and I laughed despite feeling hot and frustrated.

On the way home, Caitlin had fallen asleep and we tried to keep her asleep but she woke up as we wiped her down. She giggled and played with Kieran for a while before they finally become sleepy. Kieran said he was so tired, he felt giddy. He lay beside me in bed and talked to me tiredly. Caitlin has fallen asleep. I told him to go to sleep and he would feel better tomorrow morning. He turned around to hug his bolster. I kissed his cheek and said goodnight. He hugged me and fell asleep. That was an ordinarily magical night.

On cool and breezy Monday, which is a public holiday, we woke up late, and we went to visit the children’s grand aunt at her condominium. We went swimming with the new swim suit and googles that we bought. The children both love and fear the water. Caitlin accidentally fell into the water and I scooped her up almost immediately. I read up on silent drowning and dry drowning and I’m certainly not going to take chances. I am going to keep my eyes on both as much as I could. Their gleeful faces and surprise at the almost novel experience in the water were recorded as the most pleasant memory in my mind. The memory isn’t all pleasant for Caitlin who whispered to me at night that she does not want to go swimming. Right after we pulled them out of the water to go for lunch, she had happily announced that she want to come back swimming again. I told her, “That’s because you are sad now, so you remembered the sad things about swimming. You are sad because mummy scolded you for scratching gor gor, and this made you think about sad things like falling into the water and having water in your nose during the swim. Not all that happened are sad. I caught you quickly when you fell and I hugged you tight. Remember?” I saw her lips moved up slightly in a smile, and I imagined her remembering the fun and the hug. I kissed her goodnight.

She had scratched Kieran because he was talking beside her on the bed, and she was in a bad mood. I put her in the naughty corner and hugged poor Kieran. Kieran told me to go and hug Mei mei because she was crying. I asked him does it still hurt. He said no. I asked him whether his heart hurts. He said yes. I told Mei mei, “You should not hit people or scratch people even if you are very angry. You can can voice out that you are angry but you cannot hit. When the pain goes away, the heart will still hurt. The hurt in the heart don’t go away quickly.” Kieran understood that I understand and he felt much better. I don’t know whether Mei Mei understood but I hope one day she will, and she will learn to control her temper.

We do not deal violence with violence. We don’t act on impulses. Because we are adults, we are the role models. We manage violence with love and compassion. Children’s brains are constantly learning and wiring and re-wiring to learn the ropes of the world. They have to learn through us that kind words and actions are what heals, not enforcement, punishment and violence.

I hugged both children to sleep. Mei mei was woken up by frightening nightmares a few times. I held her in my arms and she fell asleep, reassured. The nights with my beloved children are the most treasured and important. Daddy and I stressed to complete our pre-bedtime routine – the oatmilk, the brushing of teeth, changing of PJs, the 5 min allowance to play, the pee and poo, etc. Then bedtime is the magical moment. We read stories, we conjured our own stories, we chatted, we sang, we whispered secrets to each other.

I see from their eyes that they need me, they want me, they are with me, and those are enough reasons to go on.

One day to Caitlin's 3 year old birthday

3 years ago, today, it was a day both hubby and I looked forward to. We were thrilled when we knew we were going to have a girl. We dreamt of dressing her up, tying her hair, hearing her sweet voice and cuddling her close. Caitlin was born on 2 August, morning. She completed our small family.

Caitlin was a feisty little one. She cried so loudly at the nursery that I was afraid the nurses would dislike her. Kieran meowed like a cat when he cried and he seemed easily satisfied (only in the beginning, I must clarify).

Today, Caitlin had runny nose and she was running a low grade fever. Today, was one of the saddest day in my life. I didn't know where to begin, and I didn't want to put too many negative things here so that I will continue to be reminded of the sad moments. I didn't know whether I was appreciated but I am always thinking of sacrificing myself so that my husband and/or my children will have a better and more comfortable life. It is so devastating to learn, from many months back, that no matter how much I sacrifice, my husband and my children can never have the perfect life that they ought to have. Today my husband was again, very frustrated with and got very firmed with Kieran. Kieran, being a HSP, was extremely hurt by his strict, cold and firm commands. Those words and tone of voice sounded extremely disrespectful to me. I asked him whether he would like it if I use those commanding tones and words on him every day, like what he did to our son. My husband would get physical problems almost daily and we did not know the cause after seeking advices from medical specialists. I guess he is simply not suitable to care for young children. I get exhausted with taking care of our young children, and I am appreciative of assistance from him. But now I am thinking whether it would be better if we alter our living arrangements so that he don't have to be in charge of our children's daily life. It might be better for his health and also, better for our children because then he won't be hurting them, especially Kieran who is more sensitive, more aware, more easily hurt, and whom I felt so much affinity with, because most likely, he is very like me - we feel the same way and so we hurt the same way. We are both highly sensitive. Unlike him, I have learnt to mask my high sensitivity, and found coping mechanisms to deal with the cruel and callous world. I had learnt to hate my sensitivity, and to believe that high sensitivity is weak, frail and incapable. My parents were not sensitive people and my father, the most important role model in my life, has taught me that to be sensitive is to be a weakling. Kieran is pure and innocent. He has the chance to appreciate his sensitive nature, and learn to love himself the way that I never had for myself. I recognise the importance of teaching him the ways of our world but at the same time, I do not want him to deny his uniqueness. I wish that he could learn to love his sensitivity and make use of his uniqueness to make our world a better place. "HSP are a gift to our world," Elaine Aron said. I am not sure. I wanted to say, "I wish my son would proof that statement for me." But I realised how wrong that would be. If I as a HSP, cannot proof that I am a gift to our world, how can I ask of my child to do that? I only feel like a shield now, always trying to protect my children from the harm that others unknowing project onto them.

Reflections July 2016

27 July 2016 Rainy Wednesday

Apologising is a defacto whenever mothers have to leave our children under the charge of other caretakers.

If I have to take a few hours off to run errands, for work, for personal reasons or simply for sanity’s sake, guilt is always among the top emotions running in my mind.

No matter how much fathers now share the responsibility of child-rearing, it seems that mothers are still perceived as the parent who shoulder the most responsibility in child-rearing. Even if the society does not judge us as such, mothers will naturally take a larger share of child-rearing responsibility, perhaps partially due to maternal instincts, and partially due to belief in traditional parental roles which was imbued throughout our childhood.

It sometimes seems unjust to me how husbands can leave the responsibility of child rearing to wives while they attend to other matters. How I wish I can easily leave the children to attend to other matters too. My do-to-list kept filling up - to visit the dental clinic for half yearly review, to visit the beauty salon for a long overdue facial, to start my daughter’s scrapbook which documents her growing journey from birth to one year old, to go for tea with my friends, to sort out the toys, to clean up the house, to take an afternoon off to drink tea and read a book, etc.

I used to plan for weekends. I used to get excited at events that the whole family can go. Nowadays I was too tired to think of weekend plans. When I see family event posters, I read the activity highlights and imagined how exhausting it will be to actually be involved in them. I cannot decide whether this is due to age or due to mental state. I believe most people will think the kind of life I’m leading now is tough. Whenever I felt life is tough, I will content myself with thinking that life would be tougher if I were not working - I would be physically and mentally exhausted with taking care of both children by myself, be cooking everyday, have even lesser autonomy on my time and life, and our family finances would be in trouble, having to pay for our parents’ monthly expenses, our flat mortgage, our children’s enrichment class fees, daily living expenses and transport fares. Without my work, I will be greatly deprived of intellectual stimulations, life challenges and conversations with fellow adults. In life, one can never get the best of worlds.

Mothering

The thing about being a mother is that we are always worrying about our children. I have been telling myself to relax but I really can't. If my child shows a slight indiction that he may be developing a fever, I will panic, and if my child gets a tooth cavity, I will see it as an indication that I am a bad mother, that I haven't been taking good care of the children. Care for the children is never enough. There's always more to be done, more to do, more to perfect, and so on.

Top items in my worry list are now Caitlin's front teeth cavity and Kieran's phonics. I'm trying to see if I can help her teeth remineralise by giving her the appropriate vitamins and starting her on fluoride and xylitol brushing since she now can spit out after gargling. Caitlin is a stubborn and fiery little one. Getting her to accept me brushing her teeth is like fighting a battle with her. I have found a way to get her to cooperate a little bit more, which is to let her watch an iPhone app of a cute panda brushing his teeth and then gargling. I can set the brushing timer to as long as I like. She finds it interesting and often laughs at the silly panda, so I place the phone with the app running in front of the wash basin and coax her into brushing. If she struggles, then well, I have to keep brushing despite her cries. It's sad to see her struggling twice or thrice (sometimes I brush her teeth in the afternoons if we are not outside) everyday during toothbrushing but that is better then seeing more cavities on her teeth. She has about 5 small but noticeable ones on the front teeth. The back molars look alright and all of her lower set of teeth are nice. I don't know how the decay only happens on the front ones.

Kieran is now learning very fast and to help him absorb the good stuff, I'm reading a lot to him, teaching him to recognise simple Chinese words, and to learn to write simple letters and strokes. He's progressing at a snail speed but at least there's progress and he won't go to Kindergarten next year not knowing anything. I'm also teaching him phonics myself using this teaching tool: The ordinary parent's guide to teaching reading. There's an audio companion which I borrowed from the library. While teaching, I also learn valuable lessons on phonics. I'm convinced that phonics help young children read better, and he has to read, otherwise he can't even understand math problems at Primary One. If he don't finish learning phonics by K1, he will confuse it with Han Yu Pin Yin that he will learn in K2.

So being a mother, we have no time to relax. My favourite way to "relax" is sipping hot, bitter-sweet black tea in a cooling air conditioned room, away from the suffocating heat in the rest of the house, and temporarily away from that forever "Mama! Mama!". Sweet black tea works wonder for my soul. 苦中作樂，因為人生就是甜中帶苦，苦中帶甜。

Rabbit Babies Gathering

The Rabbit Babies had a gathering at my friend Leevin's house last Sunday. We had a gathering whenever our friend Sharon and Jerry are back from Poland. The Rabbit Babies are called "Rabbit Babies" because they are all born in the year of the Rabbit (Chinese Astrology). They are Jasper, Kieran, Xin Ning and Jodi, children of Sharon, Leevin, Yan Ping and me. Because we were pregnant at around the same time and will give birth at around the same time, we formed a close knitted support group that see each other through our breastfeeding struggles, relationship stresses and parenting woos. This friendship will last a long time!

The Babies and the Mummies

(from left to right) Yan Ping hugging Xin Ning, Leevin carrying Jovan and Jodi on her lap, Sharon holding Jasper and Jeanette (our latest member!), and Suqi hugging Kieran and Caitlin.

Missing in the picture is pretty little Xin Yi (Xin Ning's 5 year old sister) who is present but doesn't want to be in the picture.

The children had lots of fun indeed and the parents enjoyed a lot too. We look forward to every gathering!

If...

I was discussing with hubby, a few days ago, if we did not have the children, what would we be doing?

I will be still obsessed with The Sims.

In the morning, I will struggle to get up to go to work.

In the office, I will do my work, drink tea and eat cakes while I work, I will check Facebook and chat on whatsapp and gossips about stuff and complain about stuff and talk about dreams and the next holiday destination.

During lunch, I will eat with colleagues or ex colleagues and chat and discuss about life and work.

After lunch, I will battle with Z monster and whatsapp hubby to ask him what's the plan for the coming weekend. I may get into debates and quarrels with hubby over why he's not spending enough time on me.

Then there's some tea time and biscuits and cakes, when I gorge myself with sweet food to ease the stress and the boredom, and worry about becoming fat.

After knock off time, I may stay back a bit to finish up a bit of stuff and then tidy up, and then go out to meet hubby for dinner, or go home to cook some stuff and eat with hubby, or go to either his parents or my parents' place for dinner.

We chat about work stuff and gossips while at dinner. We talk to our family members about work stuff.

We make plans for holidays and check up on latest promotion.

We may do grocery shopping at 24 hour NTUC Fairprice after dinner, before taking a cab home.

We may grab a late night movie at NEX or AMK Hub because its Friday night and the night is still young!

We may spend some time chilling out at a cafe nearby and do some reading.

We may do some window shopping after work, after dinner, if we eat out, before we head home to shower and sleep.

I will buy lots of fashionable dress and work blouses and pants and skirts.

I will be able to afford luxurious skin care and facial and spa packages, and the salesgirls will know I'm their target customer.

I will buy and buy because, well, I can afford a little of pleasure and gifts for myself. I will also buy gifts for friends, and family and hubby.

After midnight, like now, I won't be trying to finish up work. I'd be playing The Sims, or Sims City or some other time management/ city management games.

Well, that's not going to happen.

Because...

Anything late night is pure luxury.

Anything that's not home cooked is not healthy (for the dear children especially)

Movie? Wait 10 years later or until we have a really good one that we are dying to watch, and the nearby cinema shows it, and the kids are not sick or cranky, and the grandparents agree to watch over them while we watch the movie, and we are lucky that the grandparents won't complain of us enjoying while they help us. Too many conditions to fulfil. I might as well not watch lah.

Shopping? No money. In the past, $10 seems cheap. Now $10 item, I need to consider thrice before deciding to buy.

Gifts for people? When I really really can afford to spare and there's sale. Other working parents buy lots of clothes for the children, but me? I just buy the on sale ones and the necessary ones.

Facial? Skin care? I put that as lowest priority.

Holiday? Dream on. I plan on stay cations for the next few years. Heck, even visiting a mall in town requires hours of careful planning.

After work, if I do work in an office, is rushing home to feed the kids, bathe the kids, make sure they are well, read them books, play and then sleep together.

I guess we'll all be too dead beat to do anything else.

Not forgiving anytime soon

With a little baby, there are so many inconveniences to things that would have been simple in life.

Yesterday I was trying to discuss with hubby about the schedules for the coming weeks as I have several baby shower and wedding invitations to attend and I'm not sure baby is fit to attend them with us. For one, he fusses a lot in the evening and it'll be so embarrassing if he cries and cries if I try to feed him. And he still wails when we put him in the car seat for a long ride.

This Sunday I have to attend a wedding in the morning, a baby shower in the evening, Monday, another wedding in the evening, then during the weekend, I was hoping to put money in baby's CDA account for use when we need it. Next Sat, we have to attend a relative's house warming and baby must go for this one, then the following week is another good friend's baby shower.

But I am very sad. Yesterday when Hubby and I had a chance to talk over dinner, all he was concerned about was Groupon discounts and surfing the net. I haven't completed my sentence and he was already calling someone over the phone about something he read online. I had appalled by his lack of interest in what I was saying. I am interested in planning a schedule but he was more interested in commenting on other people's choice of baby shower timings. Irritated max. It got to the extend that I snatch his handphone from him in an attempt to make him listen but I guess that attempt failed too. I felt like smashing the idiot phone against the wall although I returned it to him. Later, I went in to look after baby and he knew I was unhappy but that's too late. If he doesn't care, then why should I bother? I will just make the arrangements myself and he doesn't need to be in the picture since he doesn't care.

Sometimes it pains me to see how less effort hubby is investing in baby's care. I understand he has to work. But the most he did is to hold baby awhile in the evening. He doesn't need to wake up in the middle of the night to care for baby, change diaper or feed baby. I try to let him sleep as much as possible and be as stress free as possible by doing everything myself but I dun want him to take things for granted. Does he know that other dads wake up in the middle of the night to rock baby to sleep when they wake up crying? Does he know that other dads come home to play with baby, change nappy, cook dinner etc instead of checking mails, reading news and watching tv like he does?

I refused to talk to him much in the morning. He doesn't realized his mistake. Guys will not reaslise their mistake if you tell them how wrong they are in the face. Guys will never learn. Even after he sensed that something is wrong, he doesn't know how he can make it right. He just sleeps at the time he sleeps everyday. Even though he knows my love language is "quality time", he doesn't give me the attention that I require. These few nights, it is always dinner, feeding baby and then I will entertain baby until he sleeps, and wake up in the middle of the night to care for baby while he continue on his usual lifestyle of sleeping before 11pm and wakes up for work. Its not that I am complaining about the unfairness. I just want him to realise all these doesn't come easy. He comes home to marvel at baby's cuteness while I do all the work and the pacifying.

Yes, I'm feeling very bitter, and no, I am not ready to forgive him. Especially since he isn't even doing anything to ask for forgiveness too. Taking too much for granted... taking too much for granted... :(