惊喜

 一晃眼，六年过去了。。。

我无意间找到了自己年轻时写的 blog. 如果说一个人生有几个转捩点，那我的第一个转捩点就在当妈妈的那一刻。新的责任，负担和辛苦，真的让我苦得几乎每日以泪洗脸。回想过去，那是一段苦涩带甘的心酸史。虽然有很多欢乐和美好的时光，但是我当时的心里隐隐藏着淡淡的忧伤。说不出是为什么。

现在的我和我的家庭算是苦尽甘来了！孩子已经进入了青春期。虽然在课业上，还是会让我操心，可是不像以前那样，天天害怕他们生病，担心他们受伤。先生和我也有稳定的事业和收入。我们没有锦衣玉食，但是不缺饱暖；没有金银财宝，但是有安稳的生活。小人物也有小人物的小幸福。

在辛苦经营着小家庭的年轻家长们，你们也会走到这一天，继续坚持！

最近，这首歌让我格外上心。它歌颂着我们祖先刻苦耐劳，不屈不挠的精神。送给我努力备考的孩子们，和在生活中努力奋斗的人们。加油！

我吃得起苦

Today is week 7 of the school year 2018.

Caitlin was ok for the 1st week and then she has been crying consistently every morning when we drop her off at school. She started to refuse to go to ballet classes and refuse swimming, which we later really had to withdraw because she's so traumatised, she has been crying EVERYDAY whenever "swimming" was mentioned. I am very reluctant to take her off ballet because she has been rather happy in class until she begins Kindergarten. Maybe her anxiety was related to the starting of school, and a very new change in routine? I think we should hang on for awhile. Although she cries a lot when we drop her off, her teachers said she's alright once lesson begins and my mom said she looks happy when she fetch her from the school gate. I thought starting school late would prevent such crying episodes. I guess things do not go so easily for our headstrong girl.

Kieran has been enjoying weekly swimming. Progress seems to be slow but steady. I am hoping he will be able to swim very well soon. He has been scoring rather well for school spellings. Today he has a Math test. Not sure how he will do for that. Yesterday, I went through the revisions with him and he got all the questions correct. Last night he showed me a shaky front lower tooth. Yippee! Finally he is going to have adult teeth. Many of my group of "Rabbit babies" are experiencing the change and he's the last among them to have shaky baby teeth. My baby is growing up!

The children are sleeping on their own beds, and in their own room now. We got a low bunk bed for them from Palette Box. In the middle of the night, I will sometimes hear a soft "mummy" and will pull a tiny little girl up and settle her in my bed, between hubby and me. Kieran loves his bed and he has never woken up to look for us in the middle of the night. I hope, in a few months' time, we will get peace and quiet in the night.

First Day of School for Kieran and Caitlin

2 January 2018 was an exciting and nerve-wrecking first day of school for Kieran and Caitlin - exciting for the children and nerve-wrecking for me. The night before, I could not sleep and it was very cold. In the morning, I snoozed the alarm clock and guess what, the next moment I opened my eyes, the sky was bright and I remembered lying in bed and wondering... "is the sky supposed to be so blue and bright?" Then I eyes wandered to the wall clock which read 7.25am... they lingered on for awhile before the word "Late!" screamed and resonated in every cells of my body. Yeah, it sounded rather dramatic but yes, that was exactly how I felt. So I jumped up, woke hubby who looked equally shocked, grabbed my groggy little Kieran, brushed his teeth, gave him milk, and hubby and Kieran were out the door in 5 minutes. Then I went to prepare Caitlin and called hubby to help send her to school after he sent Kieran. Fortunately, Kieran's Primary school is just across the road from our home and Caitlin's school is a short walk away. Phew... With some positive vibes and quick actions, the day went on pretty well. We even managed to gather lots of nice pictures of them!

Here's one of them together before they go into the school gate on the second day of school (because first day of school morning was too rush for a picture of them together).

On the second day of school, we received invitation to download the Class messenger and a welcome letter from his Form Teacher and Co-Form Teacher with their email addresses. We are glad that there are now more modes of communication between home and school compared to when I was a Primary school student. I also joined the parent chat group in Whatsapp and we shared lots of feedback to keep each other updated. Our wish for Kieran who has now entered formal schooling, is that he will enjoy going to school, develop strong friendship with his friends and teachers, and continue to hone his keenness and joy for learning and exploring new ideas. He has come so far from that reserved little creature hiding within his shells. My wish for myself is to be more chill, learn to relax and not get over-stressed about the children's well-being, always leave work on time so that I can reach home early and guide the children in their homework and have heart to heart chats with them, and of course to wake up in time for EVERY school morning.

Kieran has a no-tear beginning in his Kindergarten, and he did not cry at all in Primary school. Caitlin has a relatively tearless beginning as well. I believe starting the children late for school helps a lot. They both begin school when they are five years old. At this age, they are ready for healthy separation from caregivers and they have formed strong attachment with us and their day time caregivers, my parents. They are ready to explore beyond that safe home environment, curious about their surroundings, and eager to forge friendships and bonds with teachers and classmates. Against all odds, we made the decision to start education late for our children. Pretty unusual for Singaporeans. Academic is not the most important in our minds although I know my children will most likely be ardent readers and academically strong as their characters seem very close to my hubby and mine. Kieran, especially, if I'm not wrong, because he seems to have an unusual thinking process, very good memory, and he reads rather proficiently at this age. I remembered I brought the children to my friend's house for a playdate. The children were at the void deck, playing with a Roller Racer (ride on toy car) but he's more interested in the striking red, round fruits at the bottom of several wayside trees. He told me he wanted to step on one, squash it and see how it's like inside, and he's wondering whether it's edible, poisonous or whether the birds eat it (I told him that if birds eat the fruits, most likely humans can too). Then the children went up and all the girls took shower together. My girl squealed with delight at showering (and playing water) with the other girls. He stood at a corner, refused to take off his clothes, insisted to shower alone. Later, I asked Caitlin if it was fun and Kieran commented on the silliness of it all.

One problem I find myself having is I love my children so much that I tend to tell others we met about them without realising it. Today, I rambled on about Kieran to a friend and he was sitting beside me. I stopped myself in time and then I looked at Kieran, wondering if he's upset. It seemed like he's ok but I don't think I should do that at all. Somethings are meant to be between the child and mother and as parents, we do need to respect their privacy and share with others only what they agree should be shared. I shall be more mindful of that in future.

The first week of school has ended. Let's look forward to the second week, where formal lesson begins. Oh gosh... Where is that timetable? We need to start packing the bag according to timetable now...

Happy Birthday Caitlin and Kieran

This year's birthday celebration for both children are again simple yet warm affairs. We ordered their fav ice cream cake with their fav cartoon characters and we invited the grandparents as guests.

Caitlin is FOUR!

Kieran is SIX!

Our happy family, Kieran's Starwars ice cream cake and Lego Starwars fighter and mini figurines (which actually belongs to papa).

At around his birthday, he also graduated from the Yamaha Junior Music Course. We are not continuing him for the JXC course when the children will start to learn their lessons unaccompanied by their parents. However, we will continue to let him learn music and we are planning to buy a piano. This course has given him a great start in music education. When I flipped through the Primary One Music book, I can't help but feel how easy it is compared to the rigorous music training in Yamaha. 

Little Ballerina Caitlin

Nothing is as precious as creating memories with our loved ones.

I attended Caitlin's ballet Open House at Crestar School of Dance. Remember I signed her up for ballet about one plus year back? She was still such a tiny little girl in the bebe ballet class. She has progressed so much and is now doing actual ballet moves! She's following instructions and dancing quite well too! My heart swelled with pride when I see my little pink ballerina dancing happily with her teacher and friends. Recently, she kept saying that she don't want to go ballet but I saw that she actually enjoys it once she's in the class and she would do her ballet steps to show us at home. I would like her to continue enjoying dancing and music.

My pretty girl

Cheeky Princess 

Caitlin the ballerina

Doing a pretty curtsey

One can see from the pictures how adorable the little girls are! No wonder parents are signing up their daughters for ballet! For them to look cute in the outfit! Haha. I do realise that her leg muscles are stronger than her gor gor's. I think ballet does help improve her physique and poise.

Primary school placement confirmed

Kieran has gotten a place at the Primary school opposite our flat. Confirm plus chop.

I went to the school website and read that the children are learning so many things, and I bought some Primary One assessment books from the bookstore to see what a child is now required to know at Primary One. Gosh… the syllabus are so hard.

I’m really glad we sent Kieran for reading classes so that he can at least read independently before he starts formal school. We have not started anything much for Math and Chinese. We have very limited time since both hubby and I are working full time. I wish so much to have more time to spend with my children. Kieran now has weekly reading and spelling test and he has a music exam coming up in September. The music lesson is getting more demanding of our attention and time. We are going to stop his music lesson for a while and switch him to a private tutor to learn at his own pace later on. I now know why we should cut down on children’s tuition and academic enrichment lessons – they are more stressful for us, parents than they are for them.

Just a thought when I was chatting about handling children’s stress with my fellow mummy friends - We always tell ourselves or our children to "achieve the best result", but I think we should "achieve the optimal result". “Best” is comparative; you are comparing your achievement with someone else’s or with your past accomplishments. However, “optimal” means at this point, given the specific conditions and limitations, you are performing to the best of your ability. That, in itself, is enough, regardless of the outcome. What a comforting thought... but of course arguably, this kind of mindset wouldn’t do for a sportsperson or a performing artist. It does for me though… which explains why I always navigate away from life’s toughest challenges. Sigh. I can never successfully achieve the kiasu parent status. Well, let's chill and have a cuppa tea. :)

Parenting HSC and reflections

Parenting, with Kieran, is a soul-searching journey. Parenting my children is a great journey but parenting highly sensitive children is almost life-changing... if we acknowledge, appreciate and love them who who they are.

A few days ago, I wanted to teach Kieran something, and I told him to sit at his study desk. Caitlin was drawing at the desk, beside him and he wanted to draw something too, but I wanted to teach him number bonds. So I took out a book and pen and proceeded to teach. He made a frustrated sound and said he wanted to draw. So I looked frustrated as well and said, "Ok." while I walk away. He got afraid suddenly. He ran up to me and said, "I'll do number bonds! I'll do number bonds!" I told him, still sounding frustrated, that he should just go and do what he like. He said, "I like to do number bonds. Please, don't have a sad day!" 

That surprised me. In the past, I knew he was willing to do something he did not want to do to make me happy. But now, he is willing to like something he did not like to do to make me happy. It was good that he care so much for me but I thought nobody in this world should force themselves to do, and worse like something they did not like to do to please other people. That's not right. That's not a right character to cultivate. I asked him, "Why did you say you like to do number bonds?" He said yes, he really like to do them. I asked him, "Is it really true you like to do them?" He said he wanted me to have "happy day". He said he will have a sad day if I have sad day too. It is true. He looks extremely distressed whenever I look sad. So we got into a negotiation. He said he wanted to do number bonds to make me happy. I said I wanted him to do drawing and colouring to make him happy. He said it is important that I am happy because if I am not happy he is not happy. I told him it is important that he is happy because if he is not happy I am not happy too. So we compromised. I told him that I would really love it if he drew me a lovely picture for me to paste on my office cubicle wall. We could learn number bonds after he drew me that picture. He happily set out to draw a picture. He put lots of effort into it. There's a cute story to every component he drew. I was digging for dinosaur bones in the picture. There was a purple house with a red roof, that looked a little slanted to the left. Papa was hiding behind a tree, playing hide and seek with him and his sister. Caitlin was small and holding his hand. He was standing beside me. It was all lovely. It was more precious than the rarest jewel on Earth.

I have never met anyone with a heart as kind as Kieran. Sometimes I wonder where he's from before he came into our arms as our lovely baby. Was he an angel? Was he someone even better than an angel? He seldom have a temper although when he is distressed by scenes of violence and blood on the TV, or by threats of violent discipline from adults who sometimes talk without using their brains (which includes me, unfortunately), he will get into a huge tantrum. It is not his fault. He has a very kind and generous heart and he is frightened. I've always thought that our world needs people like Kieran. He seldom thinks of himself first. He is always thinking of others. I am not afraid that he might stand on the losing end of deals. He is a smart person. He makes choices. He chooses me. When he is older, his understanding of the world will be re-calibrated. I am now that most important person to him. I protect him, love him, take care of him, I am his source of food, clothes, warmth and shelter, and also his source of joy, anger and sadness. But as he gain independence from me, this important role will shift from me to himself. He will learn that the respect, the awe and the reliance he had for me, will be shifted to himself. In other words, how I treat him now, will become how he treat himself in the future. How I talk to him now, will become his inner voice in the future. It is important I play this role well now, so that I set a positive note for him for the rest of his life.

This applies for all children, but for Kieran, because of his high sensitivity, we have to be even more careful. He is sharper especially on the emotional and the subconscious aspect.

Caitlin, on the other hand, is a person who knows what she wants. She goes for what she wants and she does not give in. Because, why should she? Kieran gets frustrated with her monopolising ways sometimes. He will come to me and complain that she grabs the toy and does not share. He is very willing to share, as long as they each get equal chances to play. With explanations and coaxing, she will still find it hard to let go of her new desire for a short while to share with others. It is not her fault because after all, she's only three years old. I find that at times, I have to help him snatch the toy over for fair play. I do not want them to think that the person who has a more passive disposition will always have to give in and the person who has a more aggressive disposition will always have the larger share. Kieran complained to me that my mom, who cares for them in the day while I work, made him keep the toys although it was his sister who tumbled them all over the floor, just because he is older and more willing to do the task than Caitlin, who is really stubborn. You can ask her to do something a hundred times and threaten her with all sorts of terrible punishment, but if she made up her mind not to do it, she won't, period. She'll scream at you and cry her lungs out rather than be forced to do something against her will.

Both of them have wonderful characters. Caitlin's character set her on the right foot for a world as callous as ours. She is tiny and fearful of many things. She would snuggle up to me if she needs protection and love and she'll jump and hide behind me if she's afraid. But I'm sure when she faces tough times in the future, she has that thing in her which will help her ride through it smoothly. It's like if a huge wave crashes in, she'll be the one emerging from the top and ride on the waves, looking all cool and steady like its really nothing. She's not like me at all, and I'm so glad she isn't. She could do so much more and in much better ways with the strength and willpower that she possesses. She's a mighty girl, at such a young age. Kieran is more like me. We are kind, we are gentle, we are afraid of and despises violence, and we sometimes do not feel like we belong in this world. 

I am in my mid thirties. It is hard to live life on my own terms at this age, when we, my husband and I, are responsible for so many things. We pay for the house, the car, the daily groceries, our parents' allowances, our children's needs, small luxuries in life like a family trip to the Zoo or a new rice cooker, and medical and insurance fees. I now find the ordinary everyday life is in itself, a gift. I used to believe we should all have dreams and ambitions and bucket lists. I did not have them anymore. It was a pleasant feeling to let go of them. I don't need these now because every breathe that I take is a gift. Every moment is a gift. I am not entitled to this life, to everything that I have now, my family, my husband, my lovely children, my parents, my home, my car, my job, my friends... and so on... I know of people who died young, who discovered they have a tumour and then, the next thing they know, they are planning for their surgeries, or worse, their palliative care, wills and funerals. I asked myself what if it was me? Why couldn't it be me? What if I step out and I was killed by a freak accident, even before I could say goodbye to everyone I love? So I told myself, that it won't matter, if I treasure each day, if I treat every moment as a gift, if in every moment of my heart, I am grateful and at peace.

Somewhere in another part of this world, another person, like me, who have family, children, parents and friends are suffering from war, famine and corruption. Their choices are much more limited and their lives are tougher and in much more danger. "What makes me privileged?" I sometimes ask myself. I can complain as much as I want, but not more than that person suffering in that part of the world.

Exciting field trip for Kieran

Today, Kieran's kindergarten arranged for the K2 children to go for an excursion to Little India. A few days prior to this, Kieran was very excited and told me that his teacher gave him some questions to ask the shopkeeper at the shops in Little India and there is going to be some activity. He asked me repeatedly when I said I'm going to the school to sign the consent form, whether I'll choose "yes" or "no". He's very concerned because he really wanted to go!

This morning, I gave him his breakfast, a cupcake to eat while he walked to school. He asked whether he can eat that after the trip because he was afraid that he might be late if he spent time eating breakfast. I assured him that we won't be late. He wore his water bottle strap, his small bag and Ninja turtle cap and looked very ready for the trip. When I said goodbye to him, he was smiling and he bounced happily up the stairs to his classroom.

When I walked away from the school and headed to work, I felt a sense of pride in my heart. Kieran has grown up. He was excited about a school trip, away from home and family, and together with his teacher and friends. He had not been so excited before. During the previous school excursions, he seemed to be more worried and anxious than excited.

I called home at 12.30pm today and Kieran told me very proudly and happily that he had a secret to tell me. His secret was that he finally was brave enough to use the school toilet. Last night, he told me he was concerned that he might pee in his pants during the trip because he's so excited. Today he made a wise choice to go to the toilet before he got on the bus! He told me he drank a packet of strawberry milk too. He had not wanted to touch school food before that. Recently, he has accepted some school provided snacks like butter sugar buns and cereal.

In the past, he refused to use school toilet and refused to eat school food... I could not put a foot down on why too. I guessed some children have their own weird habits and beliefs and my boy, being a HSC, may require longer time than usual to warm up to some activities.

Kieran in K2

This year, Kieran begin Kindergarten 2. We will be balloting for a space in Primary school this year. Kindergarten 2 is a preparatory stage for Primary One. I hope to prepare Kieran in the social aspects of Primary school. He has to know what is expected of him in Primary One – following rules, following timetable, buying drinks and food from the canteen, making friends, using the toilet by himself and raising his concerns to teachers. He has to learn to be brave and independent.

Academic is important but I think it isn’t the main issue in Primary One. I do not believe that giving children a “head start” by making them go through preparatory lessons to learn everything that they are supposed to learn in Primary One makes much of a difference in academic performance later on in their school life. In fact, that might make them bored in the beginning of Primary school and would erroneously give them an impression that they are gifted, only to feel disappointed when the rest of the students catch up with them by the later part of Primary school. I hope that Kieran can at least learn to read basic sentences and common words by the end of Kindergarten 2. I hope that he can learn and internalise all the good moral virtues we teach him as he develops social relationships with the people he meets in school.

The first question I ask Kieran when I call him is “Are you happy today at school?” and he asked me the same thing, “Is today a happy day, mummy?” Happiness, mental wellness and peace are more important than performances and achievements. I seldom ask him what he learnt in school. These are easily tested in word games that we play and when we read books together. If he knows the words and numbers, he must have learnt them in school. I asked him what he ate in school, whether he was brave enough to play with his friends, use the toilet, help the teacher, etc and which teacher taught him, which friends play with him, and whether he went outdoor to play. Basically, I want to know how his day went and what made him happy or sad or angry.

Self esteem and piano practice

Recently, a neighbour saw my children and commented that Kieran is very fair and good looking, and that Caitlin is darker.

Caitlin told my mother that, “No, I am fair. I look like mummy. I am pretty.”

I hope this meant that she has a healthy self-esteem and she was maintaining her view no matter what other people say. It also meant, as we all already know, that our darling girl is a very strong-willed child. She will have what she wants and she will not accept other inferior offers.

Girls are more sensitive to other people’s comments on appearances. I hug her everyday and tell her that she is pretty and cute, and she’s our darling princess. Some parents may frown at what we do, thinking these are indulgences that will spoil the child. I do not think so. Our children need to derive their self-esteem from somewhere and when they are at this age when what we do and say means the world to them, our words and actions affect their self-esteem greatly. I will tell her she is kind, she is generous, she is nice, she is pretty, she is like a princess, she is like a ballerina, she is like a baby, she is our darling and she will be who I say she is. If I were to tell her she is naughty, she is mischievous, she is hopeless, she is greedy, she is ugly, she is fat, she is cruel, she is unworthy, she will also be who I say she is. So I avoid those negative descriptions, especially “naughty” which sometimes come out of my mouth before I can stop myself.

Recently, when I practise piano with my son, he always displays an unwilling attitude which pisses me off very much. I was very stern with him and he cried badly yesterday. His lackadaisical attitude infuriated me and my stern attitude distressed him. He cried and protested which angered me more. He said he want “happy day”. He did not want the day to turn out to become “sad day” or “bad day”.  I realised he must not be behaving in that way in purpose. Perhaps he had not gotten into the mood of practice and he had not understood the expectations of practising.

I spent a long time explaining to Kieran what is expected of him during piano practice and he cannot be just putting on a show, negotiate for playing just once for treats, and quickly run away back to his toys after a short practice which he did not even put in any effort for. As I spoke to him, I thought of the primary five boy who committed suicide and his distraught mother beside his dead body shouting, “I only ask for 70 marks, I don't expect you to get 80 marks.” In the News article here, the State Coroner urged parents and educators to remind children that "their efforts in study may not always yield a commensurate result, and also that such failures are transient or temporary events". This taught me a very important lesson. We have to understand the expectations and stresses imposed by our expectations from the perspectives of our children. We may feel that the expectation was manageable but in the eyes of our children, our well-meaning expectations may be a struggle or a distress. For piano, a main part of the stress to meet expectations come from the teacher and the group lesson. When the teacher stressed the importance of practice and when the other students can play much better than ours, we start to feel that perhaps there are something else I or my child could have done. Is this unlike the Primary school stresses? Studies are important and practice is important, and children, like all children since time immemorial, will choose play over studies and practice.

I will start to introduce warm up time and cool down time before piano practice - gentle encouragement to get him to mentally warm up to the practice mood, and hugs to end the practice session. I think that will make the session lighter and happier. It is sad that time is a factor we are lacking in. As busy working parents, we find it so hard to fit in homework and practice to the small window of time we have after dinner and before bed time. I wish so much that I can better balance work and parenting responsibilities.

Recently, while working I like to listen to a singer Yao Bei Na’s theme songs on Zhen Huan Zhuan. I liked the drama which has its story based on ancient Chinese Emperor’s harem. Another thing I like about listening to this song is that they teach me not to take things too hard. The singer Yao Bei Na is dead at 33 years old after losing battle to metastasis breast cancer that has invaded other organs. She was once so beautiful, famous and wealthy. She could have everything she wanted that many others could only dream of. If life is destined to end, nothing can buy us more time. Many people argue that money can buy you the best doctor and best treatment, and likely prolong life and quality of life. These people have probably not looked death and terminal illness in the face before. I work in a Hospital and I know that if the cancer is aggressive, the only care is palliative and the suffering and pain makes no difference whether you are a millionaire or a pauper. The drama which she sang the theme songs for is also on a story about people who have once lived and long gone from this place. The Earth is a place where people come and go. These emperors, empress, concubines and servants who once wield much power are now only history. In this long passage of history, one would wonder the purpose of being, and the purpose of life. A spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle once said, “You are the universe, expressing itself as a human for a little while.” Indeed, the only wealth we are entitled to in this lifetime is time which is limited and precious, and is to be used wisely before we once again, return to the embrace of the Universe - or God.

Ballet for my Bebe

6 January 2017 is the day I see my little girl bounce happily into her ballet class, listen attentively to her teacher and follow her teacher’s movements. She did not wonder off and she did not cry. She bravely went through the class. The class was a mix of 8 three-to-four-year-old little girls and she was the only black swam among the pink tutus. She bounced longingly to me after the class and she was smiling shyly. How I wish I could accompany her for all ballet classes but too bad it fell on a working day so I have to rely on trusty grandparents to bring her for classes.

Caitlin has been nagging at us to send her for ballet lesson since last year. This year, we finally made the decision to start her on bebe ballet at Crestar.

This is her first school experience and I’m sure she’ll love it. She has been craving for school and same age friends ever since she saw her brother go to Kindergarten last year.

The extremes of emotions - Kieran

Kieran discovered that he can build a structure with lego that was as tall as he was. He was so proud, excited and overjoyed. He jumped around laughing! I could see twinkles in his eyes. He posted happily with his creation in this photo.

We brought the children to Changi Airport to see the Pokemon display. Earlier today, he told me in the morning that he dreamt of Pokemon show, and Ash and Pikachu were talking in Chinese instead of English which was the usual language he watched on tv. I showed him a Chinese version of Pokemon show on youtube and he was overjoyed. He drew these Pikachus while we were at the Airport. He has a wonderful memory. He was not looking at any Pikachu while he was drawing this. He simply drew by memory. I always thought he's more of a math and science kind of child. Now I feel slightly comforted that my artistic genes have been inherited by him as well.

Words cannot describe how much I love Kieran. Words cannot describe how much Kieran love us, and everything he love, and everything he knows and the entire World. For a HSC, they feel emotions  on the extreme. When they are happy, they are not simply happy but overjoyed, filled to the brim with pure joy. When they are sad, they feel despondent, depressed, utterly destroyed. That is why as parents, we must be careful how we might allow HSC to anticipate expectations from us.

I thought how amazing it is to see Kieran experiencing and expressing these extremes of emotions and feelings.

We had a very bad staycation experience where my hubby got sick and had to return home. That night at the hotel, Kieran sobbed silently. He told me he missed daddy badly. He's a sensible child and he don't fuss and fret but cry quietly.

When I felt angry with Kieran, I just had to think back to that night when he felt so sad and yet so much love for us. My anger will dissipate. He is a constant reminder to me that we must be kind to everyone. If there is someone as gentle and innocent and pure and lovable like Kieran in this world where we live in, human beings must not be too bad. If there is one Kieran, there must be many more.

Merry Christmas to the world. I feel the agony of those who live in despair and who suffers in war torn areas. Acutely aware of the sufferings, I cannot indulge in my joys. I pray and hope that those families will enjoy peace and love as I have, even for a short moment. I cannot imagine the agony a mother must feel if she was separated by her beloved child by death or otherwise. If Kieran was lost to me, the anguish I feel will be so intense that it will take my life away. But let God soothe your souls, mothers whose children were lost. There is no peace in asking Why. But do not let the pain numb your natural instincts to feel love and joy. The ache will never cease although it may grow to become a tiny ache at the depth of your heart, instead of a tormenting one that eats you away day and night. But that does not mean your love is forgotten. Your love will grow to encompass even more. I hope God's light brighten the path of every mothers for our journey is tough but our journey is worthwhile.

The two loves of my life

Kieran is the love of my life. 

We, as parents may experience unconditional love for our children the moment they are born. But children also give us unconditional love in more ways than we expect.

Today I felt sad for some reason. I guessed it was apparent that I looked sad. Kieran was playing his lego and I told him to come play the piano. He was reluctant. He paused as he considered and told me there are two "forces" in him, one said go and practice piano, one said continue to play. He said the force that said continue to play is stronger. I proceeded to explain to him the consequences of choosing to listen to either "force". I wanted to say if he choose the force that said practice piano, firstly, mummy will be happy, secondly, he will be gaining the knowledge and experience in his brain to play better. If he choose the force that said continue to play, firstly mummy will be sad and secondly, his brain will not learn anything substantial and will only learn playing with lego. But he did not need all these explanation. The moment he heard "mummy will be happy", he immediately ran over to the piano and get ready to practice. I was so touched. I told him all the reasons anyway n I taught him the starting notes for "Starwars main theme" after we practice the Yamaha JMC homework. I said thank you and hugged him afterwards. And allowed him to go back to his creative lego world.

Later, before we slept, Kieran saw that I was still unhappy (although I tried not to appear so, you really can't hide from a HSC), and he told me, mummy if you are feeling unhappy, take a deep breath- breathe in, breathe out. Try try! Now, do you feel better? I said yes and laughed and we asked who taught him that? He said his teacher did. So thankful that he learnt this in school.

Caitlin is the cutest little love of my life. She would talk in the cutest way. When she saw small adorable animals in the Zoo, she squealed and cock her head to a side, and said "I feel like pinching their chubby cheeks and say so cute!"

When she saw that I was sad, she won't say much. She will just give me a kiss on the cheek to drive the sadness away. I love her thoughtfulness and her sensitivity to my feelings.

What I like about her most is her orderliness and her independence. She would keep the toys in order and eat her meals eagerly.

She likes to pretend that she's still a baby and she will snuggle up to me and pretend to cry like a baby. I enjoy it. I want to snuggle and cuddle and coddle my lovely children for as long as possible. I tell them they were loved the moment they were conceived in my tummy.

Caitlin looked at my reproachfully and said I scolded her many times and she was sad when I scolded her. I hugged her and told her not to just remember those times that we scolded her but remember those sweet moments we enjoyed together, that mummy kissed and hugged and took care of her. She hugged me and smiled.

What sensible and beautiful children I have.

Bedtime Stories

Kieran loves stories about battles, monsters, spooky stuff and the bad guys winning (interestingly, because he empathise with the bad guys). Sometimes he conjures up exciting tales with them.

Caitlin would snuggle up to me and scream at her brother to stop because she’s scared of the monsters, spooky creatures and fighting in his stories. She particularly hates stories about people hurting or dying. 

There was once daddy told them a story about “The boy who cried wolf” and she sobbed sadly because she thought the baby lambs were eaten by the wolf. Kieran was unperturbed by the story and enjoyed the moral behind it.

I’ll tell Kieran to please not mention fighting or scary monsters and spooky things when Mei mei is around, listening. I’ll proceed to tell them a story about two adventurous children, a boy and a girl, who go around helping friends in need (who are usually cute and defenseless little forest animals) and save them from bullies (who are usually huge and fierce carnivores). Sometimes those huge animals are nice although they look big and fierce, like elephants, huge eagles or vegetarian tigers. Kieran find these stories very tasteless because the good guys always win and there’s not enough scary factor in them. Mei mei would squeal at the description of the cute forest animals and smile when they were saved, especially when they were reunited with their anxious mothers. She loves stories about babies going back to and snuggling with their mummies.

The thought of my little Kieran growing up and being gradually independent filled me with pride and loss at the same time. I love so much to hold that small hand in mine as we walk, and look at his cheeky grin and gleeful face when we were talking about something he loves.

I thought of my baby Caitlin, dressing like a ballerina and trying to pirouette. She has the loveliest smile ever. She is so small and cuddly, and her face is round and chubby. I want to hold her in my arms and snuggle her to sleep every night.

I love to take photos of them in our daily lives. I will flip through those photos while at work. I love reminiscing those lovely moments together.

Kieran’s 5th Birthday

Today is Kieran’s fifth birthday. As I am writing this, he must have given away the birthday goodie bags to his classmates and has met my mom who is bringing him home from school. We celebrated his birthday last weekend and he had a really great time enjoying the company, the ice cream cake, goodies and presents!

Kieran’s birthday is the most significant for me because it means that I am a mother for the fifth year. On this very day, five years ago, my perspective on life changed considerably.

How I wish I can fit work into my schedule instead of family life around my fixed working hours. Perhaps one day, the world will recognise the need for an all-rounded life for all workers. Perhaps one day, the world will glorify and empathise with the role of mothers.

It is unbelievable how long we have come on this journey. I wish the best of health and the most peaceful of mind to my loveliest children, and I wish blessings on the children of this world, who are the future of this world we love.

Reflections after sickness

I had a very bad Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) few days ago. I'm still on antibiotic today. At it's worst, the pain was so bad, I could hardly walk and when I collected urine sample at the General Practitioner's (GP) clinic, my urine is red - not pink but RED. It was so scary. The pain was awful. I never had UTI that hurts so much when I pee. I never had UTI that hurts so much that my lower abdomen aches when I walk. I was also running a fever.

I started to worry that it may be more than UTI. Maybe it's really something less benign than UTI - like bladder cancer. 

There are many things in life that we have no control over, like death - like when we die and how we die. My colleague who is a doctor asked me to do some test. I think I should. 

I started to think about God when I think about death. I hope that when I leave this body one day, I will be able to go back to where God is. I hope to think of death as a reborn into another world, where I become, once again, a little baby, snuggling in God's warm embrace. In the back of my mind, I seem to have memories of such warm, loving, unconditional love and care. Such memories often fill my eyes with tears. God's embrace is like telling me, "It's ok, I know what you are, who you are and I see your imperfections, but here, in my bosom, you are safe from the hurt and the troubles of the World. It is safe to be dependent. It is alright to be needy." Perhaps such warm memories stem from my infancy, when my mother held me and I felt her love unconditionally, like God's love. 

As a baby, we are dependent on our parents but as we grow older, we are exposed more and more to the harshness of the world and we depend more on ourselves. As we grow even older, we have to care for and be responsible for others. These burdens rest on our shoulders like weights. We have to adopt some grown up thoughts and behaviours, just so we can carry these burdens and move on. Sometimes we put down our weights and we become children again, praying and being with God.

In my youth, I used to believe that being right is the most important. Now, I believe being kind is more important. There are many ways that people can prove that they are right. There are many rights in this world. But if I make the choice to be kind, my choice will be indisputably mine. Being kind does not mean I will be a pushover and I will not stand up for myself. On the contrary, being kind means that I will put others before myself, and if I have to say something or do something, it must be for their benefit, and not just to save guard my own benefit and pleasure. If I must stand up for myself for the other person's benefit, to show him that bullying is wrong, then it is an act of kindness. It matters how I do it and why I do it. I generally hate conflicts because I hate knowing people being hurt. Others cannot be hurt, I cannot be hurt too. A lesson has to be learnt and it is beautiful if the bully can learn it in a positive way. 

I wish before I die, I can do meaningful things. I hope the footprints that I leave behind will be one of significance and of positive influence.

Book Review: Blink Once by Cylin Busby

I like this young adult novel. Good read for a teenager. It is engaging enough, not long winded, and the characters are seventeen year olds, pretty close to heart for teenage readers. I finished this book within two days.

Warning: Spoiler ahead

I like how the author keeps readers in suspense on who Olivia is. At some points, I thought she might be a ghost inhabiting the Hospital, and at other times I thought she might turn out to be a psychopath whose love will turn into hatred and she might smother West to death before he has his operation. I also like how the author weaves in short snippets of events that give us a sense of each character’s personality – the mother who believed in West until the end, the father who stayed away but who willingly return for his child, the crazy best friend who cared for West more than he showed, the teenage girlfriend who reacted to West’s coma like most any teenager would, the dedicated Nurse and the psychologist who is eager to prove the theory that she knows. The people in this story are people- not evil (except the psychopath who assaulted Oliver), not angels but normal people like you and I. I like how that story made them out to be so. West’s subtle and life-changing thoughts that gradually forms over time are clearly and vividly portrayed. I think West will grow up to be a fine young man, and he will grow old as a wise grandfatherly person. He might even volunteer or give inspirational speeches.

Someone make this book into a movie, please.

I really enjoy going to the library. As a working mother of two who takes full responsibility of the children once they are off the hands of the day-carers – their grandparents, I have a hectic schedule and limited time for self-care. Pursuing personal interests seemed like a thing of the past for me. 2011 is a life changing year for me. Ever since my first little one appeared, nothing is the same anymore. So when I walk into the library and pick up these books to read, it’s a lovely experience. I love the Zen kind of peace and calm when I walk into the library. There are information and knowledge and creativity everywhere, and the choice is mine. These books are there, calling out for me to pick them up to read. The library is a transient getaway from the home filled with chaos and noise of children – yes, I am amazed how two children can fill the house with so much chaos and noise. Unlike a bookstore, the books are free, the information and the creativity are free, which spares up so much worries for a financially tight mother. In short, I love the library.

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket – It does matter, also, what baskets you have

I read in a parenting book for parents/caregivers of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) written by psychologist Prof Elaine Aron, that children's brain are wired in childhood, mostly before 3 years old. They will be wired to categorise their experiences into “events” or into “good and bad”. People who are depressed often categorise things into “good” basket or “bad” basket. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised. They put “basketball” into the “bad basket” and they think “I am lousy because I fail at basketball.” People who are not depressed categorise experiences into “Sports”, “Academic”, “Family”, “Friends”,etc. In each category, there is good and there is bad. Eg: They try out a new skill - basketball. They didn’t do well several times and were criticised, they put “Basketball” under sports and they think “I don’t do well at basketball, maybe it’s not for me, but I have ‘academic’ and ‘family’ and ‘friends’ which I am good at in several ways.”

Most of these “wiring” happens in childhood but that does not mean it cannot happen in adulthood. It’s just that in adulthood, it is harder to change. That is why children learn new things and adapt to new environment faster than adults. If adults want to “rewire”, they have to put in more effort and in some cases, if they too emotionally affected by the childhood experiences (due to trauma or depression) they have to receive therapy to help themselves “rewire”.

The psychologist said she often see adult patients and she worked with them to re-wire their brain which requires long, dedicated therapy and of course comes with a hefty bill. She said if we, as parents, built up our children’s self-esteem and “wire their brain right” in the beginning, it can save them a lot of heartache and troubles going for therapy to get their life back in shape.

If they are regularly criticised or given a global label, eg: "You are a naughty girl!" or "You are stupid." or "Why are you always so clumsy?", these labels will encourage them to categorise all that they meet and do into the “bad” and “good” category. They will think “I am all bad because I cannot do this.” That’s why we have to change the way we say from “You are a naughty girl” to “This is a very naughty behaviour.” In this way we target the behaviour, not the person, and we can further set a target to change the behaviour.

I use this for my children and I can see the change in my daughter. My daughter is more stubborn and cannot control her temper. She often hit her brother when she’s moody or angry, even when her brother did not provoke her. I often made the mistake of saying “Mei, you are so naughty!” Now I have changed it to “Mei, hitting is a naughty behaviour. If people do naughty things, they go to naughty corner.” After making sure she understands, I’ll always hug her and explain to her. Yesterday she scratched Kieran and made him cry. She cried because I made her stand in the naughty corner. Kieran was sad but he, as kind as usual, told me to hug mei mei bcoz she was crying. I asked Kieran whether his cheek was still painful. He said, “No.” I asked whether his heart hurts. He said, “Yes.” I explained to Caitlin that if u hit people, people’s heart will hurt, even long after the physical wound stops hurting. I told her if you hit Gor gor, Gor gor will cry, I will also cry because I love Gor gor. She is better at control now. She will lose control when she’s over tired which was what happened yesterday. Caitlin may not undertand now although I hope one day, she will. But I’m sure Kieran understood that I understand him and I hope he felt understood enough to forgive and continue to love his sister.

Magical Bonding

Children have the power to weave magic into our souls. They may be mischievous and require some disciplining at times but none of their acts are done with malicious intent. In fact even the naughtiest act are done with the purest of heart. I treasure every bonding opportunity I have with them.

On sunny Saturday, we went to give mooncakes to our relatives, visit my mother in law, and let the children enjoy playing sand and playground at park near her flat. We enjoyed our day thoroughly. My brother in law drove us home. Hubby showed brother in law his new curved computer monitor. I made a DIY lantern with Kieran. At night, I hugged both my little ones to sleep.

On Sunday, we went to watch Paw Patrol live at City Square Mall, ate ice cream waffle, drink Chamomile tea, bought Iron man shirt and pants for Kieran whose pee got onto his clothes when daddy brought him to pee (I’m going to be the one to bring him to the toilet, next time we go out), bought Frisbee and swimsuit and googles for the children at Decathlon, went home for recharge and dinner, then for lantern festival organized by RC (Residential Committee). Lanterns of all shapes and colours and music light up the way. Little Caitlin was frightened when we walked along the Waterway carrying lanterns. She said the water was black and the sky was black. I carried her and spoke to her as we walk. She needed me and my closeness reassured her. She threw a big tantrum when we stop by a café to rest. She was angry that the Milo was hot, angry that I drank her Milo and angry with basically everything. She was overtired. Daddy took her aside and spoke to her firmly. Kieran cried. He tried to cover daddy’s mouth when he was speaking firmly to Caitlin. I took him away and he cried, saying that he need to go and save his sister. So both stood and cried together. It was hilarious. Hubby and I laughed despite feeling hot and frustrated.

On the way home, Caitlin had fallen asleep and we tried to keep her asleep but she woke up as we wiped her down. She giggled and played with Kieran for a while before they finally become sleepy. Kieran said he was so tired, he felt giddy. He lay beside me in bed and talked to me tiredly. Caitlin has fallen asleep. I told him to go to sleep and he would feel better tomorrow morning. He turned around to hug his bolster. I kissed his cheek and said goodnight. He hugged me and fell asleep. That was an ordinarily magical night.

On cool and breezy Monday, which is a public holiday, we woke up late, and we went to visit the children’s grand aunt at her condominium. We went swimming with the new swim suit and googles that we bought. The children both love and fear the water. Caitlin accidentally fell into the water and I scooped her up almost immediately. I read up on silent drowning and dry drowning and I’m certainly not going to take chances. I am going to keep my eyes on both as much as I could. Their gleeful faces and surprise at the almost novel experience in the water were recorded as the most pleasant memory in my mind. The memory isn’t all pleasant for Caitlin who whispered to me at night that she does not want to go swimming. Right after we pulled them out of the water to go for lunch, she had happily announced that she want to come back swimming again. I told her, “That’s because you are sad now, so you remembered the sad things about swimming. You are sad because mummy scolded you for scratching gor gor, and this made you think about sad things like falling into the water and having water in your nose during the swim. Not all that happened are sad. I caught you quickly when you fell and I hugged you tight. Remember?” I saw her lips moved up slightly in a smile, and I imagined her remembering the fun and the hug. I kissed her goodnight.

She had scratched Kieran because he was talking beside her on the bed, and she was in a bad mood. I put her in the naughty corner and hugged poor Kieran. Kieran told me to go and hug Mei mei because she was crying. I asked him does it still hurt. He said no. I asked him whether his heart hurts. He said yes. I told Mei mei, “You should not hit people or scratch people even if you are very angry. You can can voice out that you are angry but you cannot hit. When the pain goes away, the heart will still hurt. The hurt in the heart don’t go away quickly.” Kieran understood that I understand and he felt much better. I don’t know whether Mei Mei understood but I hope one day she will, and she will learn to control her temper.

We do not deal violence with violence. We don’t act on impulses. Because we are adults, we are the role models. We manage violence with love and compassion. Children’s brains are constantly learning and wiring and re-wiring to learn the ropes of the world. They have to learn through us that kind words and actions are what heals, not enforcement, punishment and violence.

I hugged both children to sleep. Mei mei was woken up by frightening nightmares a few times. I held her in my arms and she fell asleep, reassured. The nights with my beloved children are the most treasured and important. Daddy and I stressed to complete our pre-bedtime routine – the oatmilk, the brushing of teeth, changing of PJs, the 5 min allowance to play, the pee and poo, etc. Then bedtime is the magical moment. We read stories, we conjured our own stories, we chatted, we sang, we whispered secrets to each other.

I see from their eyes that they need me, they want me, they are with me, and those are enough reasons to go on.

About my preschoolers

Caitlin, my little princess is finally three. Kieran is coming to five. I've been a mother for five years. Motherhood has been a long roller coaster ride. Life is a journey of self discovery but motherhood kind of expedited the process.

A while ago, I went to Clark Quay and I had the fortune to sit by the river and watch the boats of tourists ride pass, and the colourful painted shophouses along the river banks. Life is good when there are small pockets of personal space and time here and there. Too much of it, and life will be a bore; too little of it, and life will be a chore. Hey, it rhymes! I can be a poet too. Haha!

This picture of my lovely girl smelling a rose, makes me smile. I love it when my family gets in touch with Nature. Nature brightens our hearts and lightens our loads.

Suddenly, my little boy seem such a grown up. We wouldn't be able to plan two hectic trips in a day when he was small. But now, it is much easier. He had been cooperative, even nice, and obliging throughout.

At night, when we sleep, Kieran would ensure that my head is on a pillow and that I am well settled before I sleep. He would look lovingly at his sister (although tonight, she reciprocated will a snarl and threatened to bite because she was in a cranky sleepy mood), and said "Goodnight" to his daddy. Elaine Aron said parenting a HSC has its ups and downs, and it all comes in a package, so we have got to accept it as a whole. I totally get it. I am going to embrace his uniqueness and his virtues, and work at encouraging him to overcome his fears. Hubby said if we coddle him, he won't be able to survive in the army (SG has compulsory enlistment for all SG boys, unless he wins Olympic Gold medal like J Schooling). I disagree. He's a preschooler. He has 14 years ahead of him to prepare himself for National Service (army enlistment). He will be loved and be treated as a preschooler for now. When he is ready to face the challenge, we will face it with him. We do not need to worry about him not being able to survive the harsh realities in army camps because we will be there to prepare him for it. We will be there to walk the journey with him. Let children be children, let men be men. When it is time to cuddle, we will not let the chance go by. When it is time to let go, we will do so with joy.