Sorry, I neglected you

I felt guilty today.

These few days, hubby and I were very caught up in Kieran's issues. Whenever we do activity, like the "Bucket activity" and colouring and writing, I will focus on teaching and explaining to Kieran, while I just let Caitlin do some activity on her own without guidance. When she started to disturb Kieran, I asked hubby to take her away, regardless of her protest and her cries. She must have felt so unfair. She must want so much for me to show attention on her.

Kieran's high sensitivity means that we need to spend a lot of time to patiently guide him and clarify his queries. When Caitlin is around and also needing our attention, we don't seem to notice her. Kieran is like the centre of the attention while Caitlin is at the peripheral of our vision, we noticed her but we don't take much notice of her. I love her very much and I wished I could give her more of me.

More of me is what Caitlin wanted very much. She will do naughty things and make a fuss so that I would hold her and hug her. She wants to be loved by me. But even as I hold her, I wasn't focusing on her, I would be talking to Kieran and making sure he felt ok, and not overwhelmed, etc. It seemed that I was holding her to pacify her, so that she wouldn't fuss, but even as I was physically with her, I wasn't totally with her.

Caitlin has two types of cries- one is the angry cry and the other is sad cry. Today before bed time, she cried really sadly. It was heartbreaking. It was after I saw her crying that I realised that she cried because she was hurt, and she was hurt because she was being neglected. She hugged me tightly at bed time and pushed Kieran away. She said "I don't want Kieran!" Kieran asked me, "Why did mei mei say that she don't want me?" I know why. It is because our parental attention to both children were too unfair. I hugged Caitlin and kissed her and promised her that I will show more attention and love to her. She fell asleep soon. But I felt so guilty that she had to fall asleep feeling so lousy.

Suddenly emo

It's been an emotional roller coaster ride recently. Perhaps it's the hormones due to pregnancy, perhaps it's the physical discomfort (baby kicking hard, frequent hunger pangs and sudden hot flushes), perhaps the recent stressors, perhaps because hubby has been busy and neglecting time with me. Or perhaps it is a combi of different factors at different times. These 2 weeks, I'm feeling very down. I raised my voice at dad, mom n hubby several times and I suddenly feel very irritated and angry, and I cried several times too.

I've been requesting for hubby to spend more time with me so that at least that can help me feel a bit better but it has not yet been realized. Sometimes I wish I will be sick with morning sickness again so that he will spend more time with me. Now that I am well, almost every night, he has something to do, somewhere to go and if he's at home, he has some task to complete.

I'm now pregnant so I really do not and cannot bother so much about renovation stuff. I hope hubby can take the lead and do most of the liaising and running around to do things. I can discuss design and ideas and prices but I do not want to bother about calling ppl and negotiating etc. I do not have high requirements when it comes to renovation. I'm more into buying furnitures n deco to beauty up the house. I really want to look at baby stuff and really buy some if those important things before baby's arrival. But all these things are so difficult to relate to hubby. After RT, he's tired, he couldn't think about me and he didn't even cook things for me when I suddenly became hungry at night. I was so disappointed today that I have packed my stuff and wanted to move back to my parents' place. At least if I'm hungry at night, they will care for me. When I'm so hungry, I really do not have energy to cook things myself but most people do not understand. It's also very sad that I have to do it myself because hubby does not want to. So I went to sleep despite the hunger, couldn't sleep well n had to wake up at 4.30am to toast bread to eat. I felt thoroughly miserable.

Apologies that this post is full of complains. When I told hubby about how I feel, he called to show his concern but I'm uncertain that things will change. It is a recurring problem that he frequently neglects me and baby in future when he's caught up in his busy schedule. Sigh. I wish we can develop a better and happier family life and not give up family time so easily  when busy with individual commitments.