Blog Revamped!

With the introduction of new blogger layout, I revamped my blog and gave it a fresh new look. The template design stuff is pretty user friendly and idiot proof. Hahaha.

I need to explore it further to see what further customization I can do to it.

I've added in a "Page" call "Breastfeeding" at the side bar for links to information regarding breast-feeding within and outside of my blog.

Tomorrow, hubby, baby and I are going on a staycation! First staycation with baby! Diapers? Check. Pyjamas? Check. Baby food? Check. Favourite toys? Check. Camera? Check... Lots of stuff to pack when we bring a little baby along with us! But the best is I don't need to worry about milk and warmer and bottles. He still hates the sippy cup, unfortunately... haiz... the only way he wants to drink milk from is from my boobs.

6 month old

Kieran is 6 month old and Kieran's mummy is now looking for opportunities to work part time.

There's this part of me that tells me if I go back to full time work, I will be able to see a stable increase in my bank account again and I will be able to buy lots of nice stuff for baby, and I won't think twice about bringing baby to enrichment lessons... but I always pull myself back, telling myself that if I do that, I will be like most working mummies, having to work many hours, OT, many stresses, having to leave early in the morning, leave baby to someone else's care and come back late in evening, sometimes too tired, hungry and stress to play with baby and take care of baby. I do not want that at all.

Oh well, I shall see how this works out. I'm trying out several ways of earning income and sustaining my life as a stay home mom. If all else fails, I will have to go back to full time work. I cannot stay home all the time because even though hubby is ok with it, I think he'll be stressed with the burden of a growing baby.

So I'm considering teaching art which is my love, teaching tuition to lower primary school students in English, Maths or Chinese which I have experience doing as an undergraduate, or I can teach part time in Childcare as unexperienced teacher (I wonder if they will accept?), or I can make handmake stuff to sell online, or I can import maternity and babies' clothes and other stuff to sell online. I'm also interested in importing organic baby foods to sell.

I've also written to the BMSG to become their volunteer. They'll contact me to attend the training. It'll be fun and I'm so proud of breastfeeding journey with baby. It's totally rewarding and exciting although its really tough to begin with.

Oh well... so many things to try out. Haha. Life is fun :)

5 months going to 6!

Wow... baby is, today, 5 months 1 week and 3 days old.

He has come a long way from the sleepy head to the boisterous squealing babe who resists naps and screams for attention.

I love my dearest little babe no matter how naughty he is or how tired he made me. I realized until now, I have not scolded him once before. To me, it doesn't make sense to scold baby now. If he did something to inconvenience me like peeing on me and on himself, pooing all over, screams and cry at the most unlikely time, he didn't intentionally mean to do them, so scolding him doesn't stop from doing them too.

He's a darling too, always smiling, always squealing in delight, and always look so cute. He's a big magnet for girls at such a young age! The NTUC Fairprice cashier, a young and pretty lady just said he's very cute. He reciprocated with a lovely gaze with his large round eyes. If he's in a good mood, he'll smile but he was tired just now.

Now he is an expert at flipping over onto his tummy. He can swivel around on his tummy to the direction he wants to face. He pushes his head and shoulder up with his arms like a mini push up. He can't flip back onto his back yet though. Sometimes, he woke up in the middle of the night to practice flipping over but he couldn't flip himself back and couldn't sleep on his tummy, so he cried. That's super cute! He can sit, supported with his arms, and with no support from me for 1 min max while watching a youtube kiddy video on iPad but his arms will feel uncomfortable after awhile and he'll cry to complain. He can vocalise consonants and vowels now, saying meh, nah, neh... but he has yet to call bababa or mamama. I'm looking forward to that day!

He has stranger anxiety but he has yet to understand separation anxiety. But I am experiencing separation anxiety ahead of him! haha. I will not have him out of sight for long. So far, the longest separation since we move to our Punggol home is when Hubby and I went for a 2hr 15min movie at Bishan while leaving him with my parents in law at Ang Mo Kio and we rushed home after the movie. He slept with us every night because we just can't imagine having to sleep without baby. If he sees stranger, he'll cry or make a "I'm about to cry" face depending on his mood. If he is full and has slept well, he might happily accept the stranger. I made sure I'm always in his sight when he is in a place he has never been before, or when there are strangers around.

Babies are such lovely creatures! Little baby Kieran is God's gift to me! Oh now, i'm also teaching him to recognize both his Chinese and English name Yun Xuan and Kieran. My parents in laws call him Yun Xuan but my parents and sisters like to call him Kieran.

I'm exhausted on many days and I haven't been to a facial since I was pregnant. A stay home mom slough 24hr but for my darling baby, every sacrifice and effort put in is worth it.

Attention demanding baby

As my baby gets older, he gets more and more attention demanding.

He is seriously draining me of my energy every single day! Oh well, there are joys and pains to every job and this is one of the pains of my job as a full time mummy. Haha. Oh but just looking at his alert eyes and his cute smile makes my heart flutter with happiness and pride.

Sippy Cup/ Training Cup experiment

I bought a soft spout Tommy Tippee sippy cup for baby. I also bought a hard spout First Years sippy cup. Both for him to experiment, play with and enjoy drinking from.

Today I put some warm water into the Tommy Tippee cup and let him sip. He got some water into his mouth and his expression was priceless! He had never tasted water before as he had always been on breast milk. He looked as if he had tasted something very weird! Haha. But he still took it anyway. I'm thinking of putting some breast milk in the sippy cup and let him drink it from there once he's good at sucking the sippy. I'm skipping bottles totally since bottle training a baby who's latched on all the time is such a big hassle, and babies have to learn to use a sippy cup or training cup by the time they take solids anyway. So I got cups for 6 months old and let my baby play with it first. I'm looking forward to feeding him solids. In a month's time, I'll be able to make delicious pureed banana, apple, sweet potato and other nice food for him. I'll capture his expressions when he first taste food!

Rid Wind

Baby has wind in tummy these few days and he often spit out milk after nursing because of the wind. I use rid wind once a day, starting from yesterday morning, and he's so much better. But the spitting is a laundry problem... imagine me and baby having to change clothes twice before we leave the house because he spits right after we are dressed up! Milk spits smell so badly when they dry up.

Demanding... demanding...

Because he is so demanding of my attention, I shall bring him to the baby fair and see if I can get some new toys to interest him. I was hoping he'll like the jumperoo. If I could let him jump until he is tired and fall asleep, wouldn't it be good! Nowadays, he'll open his eyes and look around curiously, refusing to sleep even if he's tired, and when he's overtired, he'll be very cranky and difficult to soothe to sleep. I saw my friend's baby girl who is about the same age as Yun Xuan fall asleep within 15 min of yawning, and she doesn't need much coaxing! Oh gosh... I pity myself... I had to either rock and sing song, hold and pat his buttocks, rock in sarong cradle and sing song, nurse him with side lying position, or nurse him with cradle hold and rock him... and I try all of these methods above every time he wants to be soothed to sleep. Most of the time, he's screaming or crying at the top of his lungs. The best is he sometimes dozed off for 30min and he's wide awake and cooing for attention again! I don't know whether this is a boy and girl difference or just a difference of character, or (hopefully) is just a passing phase. He's teething now and keeps drooling, putting his lips together to make a Mmm look (super cute when he does that) and keeps wanting to bite everything. So I hope the recent crankiness is related to his teething. Its cute because my husband's and my fingers are now his favorite teethers. His fingers are S size teethers, mine are M size and my husband's are L size ones. Haha.

Burnt out

The blocked duct problem is temporarily solved. I hope it won't come back.

Felt a bit burnt out today and I asked my mother in law to help look after baby while I rest. I couldn't sleep even though I was on the bed and could only sleep for 1 hour plus this afternoon. Felt happy to finally be able to sleep. Had a weird dream during my sleep though. My baby is now 4 months old and his needs are getting more and more intense. He is sleeping lesser, needs more play and stimulations, and starts to talk and cry and scream more. He is one big screamy babe!

Mother in law is very nice to baby. She is able to look after him well and play with him well when she's not so busy tidying up. I'm lucky to have a nice mother in law.

Today is valentine's day. No celebration but there's no need to anyway. Hubby bought bubble tea for me when he came home. Baby was asleep when he returned because he has army training and has to be back late. I see it as good opportunity for him to exercise and stay healthy.

I read that besides over supply, tiredness and stress can also cause blocked ducts. Now, the affected area is still painful but I have no mood to do self care... I want to have a good shower but I just sit here, think about things and type here in my blog. In the day, I'm always busy so I don't have a quiet moment to think about things. I think I'm a bit depressed.

Last weekend was my birthday weekend which I hope to get some rest but I couldn't as we brought baby out and having no vehicle, we travelled on public transport and that demanded a lot of effort and time. I really need rest. I took care of baby the whole day and being full time mother to a young baby is very challenging. I want to take care of baby's needs as well as his emotional needs, giving him cuddles and singing and talking to him when he is bored. And without much rest, its weekdays again and I'm left to care for baby myself. Lucky that mother in law comes to help. I have to be on 100% energy to care for baby but now my energy level is so low. There are so many things on my mind and so many things that I am unhappy about. A friend posted on her Facebook page that her hubby and her just got a new weekend car. I felt so jealous. It's great to have a car when you dun have a child yet but when you have a young baby, its a big relief to have a car! Hubby said no. We are already trying to make ends meet. If I had gone back to work, I reckon he'll say the same. I am affected because many of my friends are able to get a car which post so much conveniences for their babies and them. I really don't understand why we couldn't just manage to get a second hand one.

Unfortunately, hubby did a calculation and said we can't and if we have dual income, we might be able to afford one. If I had wanted a car, there will be no more taking care of baby. If I want to take care of baby at home, there will be no car. Very smart hubby. Very cruel reality.

As I sat here to think of things, I sometimes feel very upset that in life there are so many things that we have to give up. It must always be one thing or another. Never can we have the best of both worlds. I'm not complaining. I'm just stating a fact.

There are many things that I feel frustrated with. Perhaps it's time to calm down and think positive and not ruminating on the negatives too much.

When one is feeling down and out, it's so good to have someone to help out around the house. That is why tomorrow, I'm gonna make a trip to my parents' house and not cope up at home with baby and get even more depressed. Our happiness lies in our hands!

After talking to hubby tonight, I got even more depressed, feeling like there's no way things are gonna turn for the better.

I have my greed and I am a person who longs for adventure in life. I want to do everything when I'm still young and when I still have the health to. But hubby is a boring old man who wants to wait until everything is settled, wait oh wait oh wait... Wait until probably we are 70 years old and laments why we don't do the things we could when we could, oh wait, we probably won't even live to 70s. Maybe we'll die soon and die with regret that we never accomplish the things we set off to do when we were young. I wonder why he don't get to become a little bit more braver to walk the path less travelled? Perhaps a part of me too is also like that. I like to say I want adventures but a part of me, too, is stuck in the rut and afraid to move out.

I am a frog who likes my little well and thinks this little well is the best home for me for the world out there is threatening, so staying in my warm and nice little well for the rest of my life is the best. Oh poor little frog, I am. Poor little frog. Read about the wonderful things about the world beyond the well but oh poor little frog has tied herself to the cozy little well and decides that this is the best place to stay, warm and damp and dark but who knows, the world out there might be worse! Oh poor little frog. You useless little amphibian. You have failed yourself. You have failed yourself.

Blocked ducts

My goodness... I've a blocked duct. There's white blister at my nipple, and super painful hard lump on the right side of my left breast. Hurts like hell when I hold baby and he pressed against me. Hurts like crazy when I feed him on this breast but I know I must bear with it and keep feeding him on this breast in order to clear the blocked duct. Some people recommend using a needle to poke the blister but I won't want to do that! Sounds pretty scary... I may get my hubby to do that for me. Gosh...

Back to work?

I've been thinking about this lately.

My mother in law is very nice to baby and she cares for baby very well.

But there are fundamental differences in our opinions. She is very gentle with baby and will worry when there are small problems like redness at the neck skin folds etc. I will just laugh the problem off and take things easy. I don't like to worry excessively. And I observe that because she is so gentle with baby, its not much fun and he won't laugh out loud as much as when I am playing with him. So I am concerned that if baby is with her all day, there won't be much stimulation. And she really likes tidying up and cleaning up my home... which is wonderful of course! Except that she cuts the tags off clothes that I intend to give as gifts to my friend's baby son and kept it in my baby's cupboard. I hated people packing up my things and making assumptions without asking. So I kind of got heated up and told her not to pack up anything in my home anymore. I also worry that she may let baby play by himself and do housework. I wonder why nannies call themselves nannies if they don't take care of babies, and instead leave the babies to themselves and do their housework. To me, nannies should spend a large percent of their time with babies, stimulating them and letting them play and learn stuff. What if my baby don't receive enough stimulant?

There are so many things to think of.

At first I was wondering whether it will be good to have a parent staying in with us. Especially since taking care of my baby alone is so very tiring. But I got frightened by the many negative things I read in online forum about problems with staying with in laws. I mean staying with my own family already posts problems... what more with people with different backgrounds and different mindsets? I think I'll endure taking care of baby alone. That gives me more freedom too. I treasure freedom more than anything else. Better be more physically tired than having a hand in the house but yet become more mentally strained.

If I have to go back to work, I guess I'll start with part time and ask mother in law to care of baby whenever I have to be away. But I hope I won't have to start going back to work soon. I don't really like to be away from baby for too long hours. It is tiring taking care of him, but at the same time it is very pleasurable and very rewarding. I have a peace of mind being sure that my baby is being stimulated, played with, happy and clean, and not left alone. I hate leaving babies alone to soothe themselves. Babies need to be stimulated and learn to feel that they are needed and their presences are treasured. I love my baby and I really wish to be with him for as long as I could, and giving him the best in terms of love and care although I cannot afford a lot of material goodness... but young babies do not need high end strollers and branded clothes... they need mummies' pure love and care, mummies' time and effort, and those are the best gifts for them.