No confinement

Firstly, for this second birth, I will not do confinement.
Secondly, I will have my mom stay over to take care of baby and when I found a full time job, she'll either stay on to take care or bring baby or bring baby to her home n hubby n I will visit baby every evening n bring her home on weekends.

I'm at my wit's end.
I do not believe I can look after my toddler and a newborn myself effectively, even if u give me a maid.

If my mom can't manage, we'll probably have to find a nanny. And I hope we can find a trustworthy one. Or infant care. But there r no nearby infant cares n I prefer a good nanny to an infant care. Coz as I heard from a friend who worked there, they r encouraged not to hold baby often even when baby cry. It's mostly change diapers n bathing n feeding, and they r only to give attention at scheduled times. Most of them r pressured to feed baby more than they need as parents will question why baby did not finish their precious EBM. But then babies don't work this way. They feed when they like n they will refuse when they r done. She told me she witnessed some babies being forced so much that they have phobia of milk. And when baby r fussy, the more bad tempered care givers will beat them. Not to be discriminating but I was told these r usually China people. It's easy to understand. They are cheap foreign workers, they have to work long hours n they probably chose this line because they have no other choices. Not all of them r like that. There may be some gd ones but there r enough cases of black horses to warrant caution against them. Sigh. This whole infant care concept sounds pretty much like a farm to me :S but sigh... If I've no choice then I'll have to send her to an infant care.

How to cope with life like that? I'm already dreading the impeding doom. But yet I'm looking forward to seeing my daughter and hoping with ALL my might that this time, she will finally have my husband's eyes! Please have papa's eyes and papa's nose. It's ok if you have papa's curly hair too as little girls look cute with them, like angels. But if prefer mummy's straight black hair, that's fine too. Make sure you have more hair than your gor gor, otherwise I can't tie it n plait it nicely. And be more guai too, don't bully ah mah as ah mah will be taking care of you. And you be nice to mummy and come in natural birth ok? And don't take too long to arrive n made us worried ok? Try to come on 9 Aug. it'll be pretty cool to have a SG National Day baby. And who knows? We might appear on the Mount Alvernia hospital magazine! Isn't this cool? U r our pretty angel, babe :)

Seen baby for the first time

Dear baby, today, daddy and mummy see you for the first time. You are lying so snug and comfortable in mummy's womb. You look like you are sleeping, cuddling, quietly listening and growing. Daddy says he feels you are a girl. The moment I have you in me, I feel a gentle spirit, and I believe you must be a girl, or otherwise, a very mild tempered boy. The moment I see you, I do not feel so apprehensive about the pregnancy anymore. Thank you for giving me signs to tell me of your existence before I contracted stomach flu and had to be hospitalized  Otherwise, the doctors might have unknowingly injected medications that are harmful to you. You look so precious and so innocent, lying there quietly in my tummy that its hard to believe, in eight month's time, you'll be out screaming and crying and turning our lives upside down, just like what your mischievous brother did! Nevertheless, daddy and mummy will still love you and take care of you. And this time, granny said she'll take care of you when mummy goes to work, so you are very blessed. Your brother will be the poor thing who will be going to childcare when he's 18 months old, but he doesn't know it yet. Keep it a secret between you and me ok?

The Mount Alvernia hospital is a really caring place. Although I do not exactly like the A&E doctor who attended to me coz he never wait for me to complete my sentence and he didn't solve my problems. I had to go back to the hospital when the medicine did not make me feel better. I felt so terrible that I wished I could just die. And hubby too! I was obviously suffering and he didn't admit me during the first time I was there. If he had, my sufferings would be shortened by a good few hours and we need not pay that few hundred extra midnight charges. And he still ask me to take care of baby! I already felt like dying. If I could take care of baby, I'm not human. The Sister who did pastoral care came to talk to me during my stay and she's really warm and nice. The nurses are nice too and the whole place gave me a very warm feeling. It helps that the temporary chapel is nearby. I'm thankful that hubby stayed with me during my stay and my parents and in laws helped to take care of baby Kieran. But it sucks that we had to go through the New Year 2013 in a hospital. Once on drip, I finally felt relieved and I can sleep. The pain in my lower back was tremendously unbearable. Once that pain went away, I can sleep. I still vomit after drinking a tiny sip of water. I got better the next day but I heard that the virus had spread to almost everyone in my family who had contact with me. This was really strong strain of virus and we suspected it to be the Norovirus which claimed lives in Europe and the US and had caused hospitals and schools to be closed down. Lucky baby survived it all. I thought its  going to affect her adversely but Dr Ho said she's alright. She's 8 weeks 2 days old today and most probably EDD will be on 21 Aug although for second births, it will definitely be earlier. Hoping for the best now.

dealing with pregnancy and toddler

Well, you can't say Kieran is really a toddler yet... he can't toddle. He can only crawl and occasionally stand by himself.

Its good that the morning sickness this time round sets in in the evening so that I have energy to take care of Kieran when hubby goes to work and I am alone at home with him. He is demanding of attention. He wants milk milk, wants to play, wants to "um" everything I am eating and yet refuses his main food when I give it to him. He can talk and talks all the time. He can say lots of things and even repeat number one to ten in mandarin after me! His verbal ability develops really fast but not the walking ability.

This baby is considered more guai than Kieran when he was inside me last time. She doesn't make me feel terribly horrible, like I'm having some kind of terminal illness and going to die. If she had been the first child, I'd still be able to continue my work that time.

But then I still couldn't accept the fact that I'm going to have another one so soon. For the past few days, I sunk into depression and kept worrying and crying. My hubby told my parents about it and they came to see me. Our own parents who gave birth to us is the ones who love us unconditionally, and will make the most sacrifices for us. I told them I really thought of us giving up this pregnancy. My mom offered to stay with me from mondays to fridays until this one is old enough to go to childcare. I intend to go to work as soon as baby is about 3-4 months old.

Sigh I really hope I can survive this and that my parents and hubby and Kieran can survive this. God, this is a really major test you give us. A baby at THIS TIME? Gosh...

A surprise

The date is 29/12/2012. I had gastric problems, nausea and general weakness for 6 days, and had taken gastric medication for 3 days after testing negative for pregnancy. I did not recover at all. I still feel lousy although the gastric discomfort subsided a little. I started googling for symptoms of gastric cancer, intestinal cancer etc, and I sobbed as I repented to God and I thought I was most probably dying. Probably I won't survive until 2013. I won't see my son grow up. I started to think of how things will be managed after I have left this world. Well, my son will well taken care of by the grandparents, my husband can be free to choose another partner, he can travel the world without worrying, my loved ones will get on with life without me in time. Nobody is truly indispensable. I felt better. If one faces death, it's not the dying who suffers the most but the ones who are left behind. I have faith in God and I start to think of where I will go to after I pass on...

Then I think again, maybe it's not terminal illness... I have a feeling the symptoms are related to early pregnancy symptoms I had before, maybe the test I did sometime back isn't accurate? I did a test again on 29 dec and then, it came out obviously positive! I started shivering in disbelief and anxiety. How could it be? My gynae had told me, 2 months ago, that given the state of my uterus now, it is unlikely for me to get pregnant! I am still breastfeeding my older son who is 14 months now. I went to the clinic to test again and it's positive. The GP prescribed folio acid.

So I quickly SMS my hubby about the News. I was happy at first. I thought about receiving a little babe in my arms again... And then I became sad and worried immediately once I thought about all the complicated issues. Who will help to look after my son and my newborn? Will I have to send my son to full day childcare soon? Will I have to engage a maid? Will I break down taking care of two kids? How about the finances? Can hubby continue to support the family with single income? I had planned to work when I settle my older child in childcare next year but now all the plans will have to change.

I didn't feel happy about the pregnancy so I decided to tell no one until I discuss with hubby. I even wish it hadn't happened, or that it will go away... You know...

But hubby came back that night and told me he's super surprised and happy to hear the news. He laughed while I gave him a sad smile. The reassurance helped though. At least I knew he don't think that our baby will be a burden. I asked my mom whether she could quit her part time job and help me from Mondays to Fridays, staying over at my home as I do have to work next year after baby is born because we really need one more income coming in to support two kids.

The good news is, I sense that this baby is a girl. I am very sensitive in this aspect. For my first pregnancy, the moment I tested positive, I sensed that it's a boy, and it turns out true. For this one, it must be true too. My hubby would really love to have a girl, so do my mother in law who had been wishing for a girl but got two sons instead. If she's a girl, she'll be even more doted upon than my boy. I've even thought of a girl's name. Let's wish that me and my family can pull through and that this year will be alright for all of us. Oh baby baby, what a surprise and what a time to come!

dying!

I'm dying! Really!

I've been feeling this weird going to puke sensation in my tummy and throat for 3 days! At first I thought its pregnancy (Oh no!) then I did a test at the doctor's and he said I'm not pregnant, but I had a gastric problem. I knew it coz I had lots of wind in my tummy and I kept burping. The feeling of going to puke has been ongoing even though I'm taking medications. I felt super tired everyday. 

On top of that, a mother has no leave, no medical leave and no even few hours of rest :(

Hubby has been helping a lot. Thank God he is on leave now, clearing his annual leave so that he can help take care of baby. He wants to cook lots of delicious food for me as hubby is a family man who loves cooking but unfortunately, at my current situation, the only thing I want is plain porridge. Hubby took care of baby and took baby out so that I can rest, but I can't rest. I just can't rest when I know baby is outside in the cold, and I can't rest not knowing what baby is doing. I also can't get a good night's sleep. I was dreaming about beautiful houses and Zoe Tay when baby woke me up for milk at 4am. I couldn't sleep after that. I thought about the beautiful houses and how I would never have the money to move into such a pretty house. I thought about the grieviances I suffered during my confinement and how I will never ever do confinement again. I thought about lots of unhappy things and about how nice if I wasn't so intent on having a child, then perhaps we can travel the world and live wherever we want to. We could see the beauty of the world and experience the inspiring scenery, the fresh air, and the beautiful nature. But then I turned around and I saw my little angel sleeping beside me.

When one is sick, one wishes to huddle in a hole and be well taken care of. I so miss being with my parents. They will take care of everything for me. They will cook meals for me so that I am not hungry coz when I am hungry now, I feel the puking sensation more strongly. They will help to look after baby so that I don't need to worry. They will give me my medicine at the correct time. How I miss my parents!

Sigh... all the ranting. Oh please, please, let me be well and healthy soon, God!

Baby in San Francisco

I can't believe we survived the long hour of flight and the freezy cold wind of San Francisco!

Baby's nap and sleep time is all topsy turvy now. But he's extremely obedient and we are so lucky to have such a dearie little boy! He sleeps through all the take offs and landings and we have 2 of each as we need to do a transit in Korean international airport. I pity the mummies of those babies who were crying their hearts out due to the ear discomfort.

He's really active and managing him on the plane isn't easy but really boys are like that. Everyone who sees him says he's cute and handsome :) Between breastfeeding, carrying him around, entertaining him, letting him sleep on my lap, breasts, arms, I still managed to watch 2.5 movies and eat my lunches, breakfast and dinner properly. Lucky we also brought his favourite toys and some new ones on board with us. And not to forgot, moisturising cream and baby nose spray is a must. We adults need to use these too. Long hours of dryness on the plane is no joke.

In San franz, we went to hotel to rest and then went supermarket shopping for breakfast for tomorrow and water for the rest of the days. Of course we also got lunch at the Loving Hut, a vegan food stall at Westfield shopping mall. The spicy noodle is great! So good that baby refuses his baby food and insisted on eating ours. Interesting, on the first day, we felt kind of giddy and as if the world is shaking. We thought its because of the aftermath of long hours of flight but when we saw the water in the bottles shaking on the supermarket racks, we knew the world really IS shaking. Kind of worrying... but we got over it on the second day and its as if the world stops shaking, or rather we have gotten used to the shaking.

We saw people of different races on the road. A cab driver told us almost 50% of people here are Chinese, and that's because historically, the Chinese came to San Francisco first before the Whites during the Gold Rush. The people in the city can be pretty hostile. I witnessed a middle age lady wind down her car window and shouted "You son of a bitch!" to a young man who crossed the road recklessly and nearly caused her an accident. Just to make a stronger point, she shouted it twice. Then I saw a woman scolding the toilet cleaner because the cubicle she went to was faulty and she insisted the cleaner do something, but that was totally unnecessary because the other cubicles were quickly emptied and she could have gotten into one of them fast. But we met really nice people too. The service people here are friendly and helpful and the Muni bus drivers, and tram drivers are polite and keen to answer questions, unlike the poor attitude of some bus drivers we have over here. Maybe because most of our bus drivers are poorly paid foreign workers who are forced to work long hours and made to live in undesirable conditions (think SMRT drivers), whereas the drivers here are locals who have a pride in their jobs. It is really a pity that our country choose to be carrot heads and want to squeeze us citizens dry by raising fares for a bus service that is way less than satisfactory and accommodate some multi million profit transport company. Can somebody tell this Lui guy that "privatising" a "public transport" is an oxymoron? I wonder how many screw ups this government can do before the next elections. Oh well, they have 4 years to screw things up further.

On the first day out of town, we went to Lombard street, the crookedest street in the world. I wonder who would think of building a street like that... the cars are really challenging the crooked and steep street, driving from top to bottom. I'm glad we didn't bring the pram that day coz the slope is really steep and I pity the Chinese mother carrying the baby pram down the slope. Lucky her family member is holding her baby. Then we took a cruise to get close to the Golden Gate bridge. This is really romantic. Baby was asleep in my arms when we were on the cruise. It was better that way because the wind is really strong and chilly. We managed to see some sea lions resting on the planks by the bay but they were rather far away. The cruise ride was great and the magnificent bridge against the sunset is pretty!

Baby's feet were really cold when we went home although we put on socks, shoes and layers of clothes on him, so that the next day, we got him a good pair of winter shoes. Its pretty cheap, only USD 19.90.

Yesterday, we went to the Golden Gate Park and the California Academy of Sciences was totally awesome! One would wonder what the hell our Science Centre and Discovery centre is doing! Kieran totally enjoyed. He got to see large fishes swimming right infront of him, and he got to touch a Galapagos giant tortoise sculpture, see real penguins, large stingrays and baby sharks swimming gracefully, dancing jellyfishes that changes its colour every second like a computer screensaver, crawl around an interactive virtual place to catch virtual bugs, and amazes us and the reindeer caretaker by saying "deer!" when we showed him the reindeers and taught him how to say it for the first time! Its my first time seeing such a well planned and beautifully designed Science & discovery centre. Wonderful.

After that we went to the Japanese Tea garden. Couldn't managed to get to the Conservatory of flowers coz its too late. It was a pleasant and peaceful walk in the garden but it was rather small, and the tix are pricey for a small place. That evening was pretty scary because we couldn't manage to get a cab at the Golden Gate Park after 5pm. We are lucky a Chinese cab driver happened to drive in and picked us up. 2 elderly ladies saw and thought we boarded the cab they called and shouted to us but the driver insisted he didn't take any calls. The driver is a nice guy. The Chinese here are mostly Cantonese, and they tend to help each other or other foreign Chinese. Most of the streets along the Chinatown area has Chinese names and instructions and their names are pretty interesting like "Yun Yun seamstress" and "Wang Tea House".

Today was shopping day. We went to shop along Hayes street, and bought quite a bit of nice stuff. A magnetic toy, a toy robot that moves when you wind it and has sensors to prevent falling off tabletops, Levis jeans and clothes for baby, old Navy clothes for Kieran's friends, and a good bargain for a winter wear for a dad. Then we got to Macy's Men after dinner and got shirts, pants, shoes at a good bargain for hubby. A really relaxing and happy day.

We had tried the Muni buses that runs on cables but not on rails, the cable cars or trams that run on cables ad rails, and the metro that goes underground, all on our city passes. It is an amazing experience and I'm glad hubby planned it all well. I must say the City passes that we bought and the T mobile sim card that allows 3G on hubby's smart phone really helps a lot in getting us around San Francisco easily.

We can't really visit the nature parks although that would be my favourite thing to do because we are having baby along with us, and we'll have to wait until he's older to do that.

I can't wait to bring dear baby, when he's of school going age, to Australia where we can feed the Kangeroos and wallabies in the Zoos, and visit nature reserves, see penguins in the wild, and have fun, basically. Who says babies can't enjoy a holiday when he goes overseas under 6 years of age? He giggles at the grey squirrel at the Japanese tea garden, he's amused by dogs (some dogs resemble bears more as their really huge and furry), he loves the fishes in the Aquarium, he makes holiday fun when he interacts with people, and he learns new words like "deer" and "milk" along this journey!

I'm looking forward to going to Fisherman's Wharf tomorrow where we can visit the Aquarium of the Bay, possibly see some sea lions up close and walk along the streets of the Bay. And we'll also do some shopping in the afternoon and evening. SHops here close late. 11pm just now, there are still lots of people on the streets. A city never sleeps.

Did I mention baby points of the man in the US dollar note and says "Yee ahhh!" He looked proud of himself but I was so embarrassed and quickly kept the note. Coz "Yee ahhh" in my Kieran's language means "monkey"...

San Francisco family trip!

I can't believe we are really flying to San Francisco tomorrow morning!

Its the first time baby is going on a plane and his first time on the plane is a 16 hour flight with a transit in between. Not easy, definitely!

Hope everything will go well :)